Im getting blocked, not sure what to do

[placebicstar]

My partner has had a fall out with one of my friends, i dont know what to do but theyre convinced i need to go along with the friend. They have blocked me everywhere and im scared and shaking

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi placebicstar,  I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you. It so hard when they block us and give us the silent treatment.

Has this happened before?

Why are you scared? 

Remember that people with BPD have volatile and changing emotions and that what they believe today could be completly turned around tomorrow.

[placebicstar]

Yeah I've kept in mind about the volatile emotions... .all of my friends are worried about me and them due to their BPD. This has never ever happened before so I ended up getting extremely scared, it ended up happening towards a ton of people and it wasn't just me. I just got scared at the thought of losing them, i guess.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I m so sorry,  that s a hard situation to be in. I hope it chages to the better soon.

[placebicstar]

Things started to get better but we have hit a wall.

Recently my best friend and my pwBPD have hurt each other and can no longer remain friends however they both want me to choose between them. Is there any way i can shut this down... .?

[Suzn]

Yes however it's going to take some courage on your part. These types of situations tend to work themselves out given a little bit of time. Especially if we stay neutral, stay out of the fight and set boundaries of our own.

if I were in your shoes I would let them know that I love them both and I'm not going to choose and let me know when they worked everything out so we can resume our friendship as usual. Walk away.

There are no guarantees, you might lose a friend but you will gain respect for your boundaries.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi again, what happened when it was getting better, and what happened to make you hit a wall?

Is your partner talking to you now?

Is your friend talking to you?

I agree with Suzn often work themselves out with time, and if we pay too much attention to them, we can reinforce their strong feelings around this, whereas if we do nothing the feeling will switch and be forgotten.

If you still want to address it, I would use lots of validation where you show understanding of how they're feeling, and then finish with stating your truth that you are going to continue to see both because they are both important to you (if that is indeed the case!).

The key is to really be open to why this is a problem for your partner. Not judging whether this is right or wrong or completely fabricated in their head, but to validate the feeling they have around this. A feeling is never wrong. Interpretations of reality can be off, but feelings are ours and not right or wrong.

We can be way off in what we think the feeling behind their upset is, so maybe a gentle question wrapped in lots of understanding could give you a clue.

[placebicstar]

I made it a point to tell them both that i am absolutely not choosing and neither of them have the ability to make me, and that I love them both deeply. They're both BPD but my friend has a better control on theirs then my partner. Ive made it a point to go out of my way to validate all my partner's feelings. My partner feels if i stick with my friend, my partner will be hurting because of the lost friendship between them. And my friend feels that my partner doesnt have that well of a control on their emotions.

Also what made it better but then hit the wall was that they both wanted closure so one sent a message to the other, and i thought it would help but they both ended up hurting and furious. They're both talking to me, but my partner seems more reluctant than my friend.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Then maybe it's best to let this one play out between them and step back. Be loving and kind to both, and also firm that you are continuing to have both of them in your life. Not to say that you must state this over and over, just simply do it. If they put pressure on you to make a decision, make a new thread about it and we'll help you!

Whatever plays out between them is between them. Not your circus, not your monkeys 

Focus on soothing yourself, this storm will pass, too.

[placebicstar]

They're very much wanting me to make a decision :/

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Ok, how about starting a new thread about it, with a new title? You can put in a link to this thread if you whish 

[placebicstar]

here we go: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=290139.new#new

[Scarlet Phoenix]

There you go 

I'll hang back a little and look in on it later to see how the thread is going

[1minuteatatime]

They're very much wanting me to make a decision :/

Not your monkeys, not your circus.  Agree wholeheartedly.  I told my exgf-uBPD that I would always be friends with someone she didn't like. 

always.  One day at a time.  One minute at a time.