NC/RWG thread part 7

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,  

Thanks for your words of support and advice. I love the idea of urge-surfing and will try to practice it. My ex and I met and we had a good, short walk together-- in her words "a successful friend experience." So that is good result from my collapse yesterday I guess. We scheduled a dinner for two weeks from now and I'll try to stay NC until then.

I'm a little plagued with the thought of if things could be different if we got together last week when she invited me over at night. Would we be back together? She had broken up with her couple, but now they are back together. I'm trying to think it is for the best.



This topic was split from: NC/RWG thread part 6

[MapleBob]

Day 31. Remind me again why I don't drop her a line?

[steelwork]

Day 31. Remind me again why I don't drop her a line?

Because pain.

[Driver]

Day 31. Remind me again why I don't drop her a line?

Because salt on open wound?

[Anez]

I had a dream about my ex last night. She discarded me. Here's how it went:

We were out at dinner and I guess it went well because I said we should do this again sometime. She started crying and said we couldn't. I then said something like well let me ask you some questions about what happened to us and she got mad at me.

Great dream!

[kc sunshine]

MapleBob: because you are close to 40 days! Let me tell you from experience, you don't want to be back at 1!

[MapleBob]

MapleBob: because you are close to 40 days! Let me tell you from experience, you don't want to be back at 1!

Is 40 significant? 

[kc sunshine]

Totally! 40 days is so many religions is an important number (lent, etc)... .and don't forget the movie 40 days and 40 nights!

MapleBob: because you are close to 40 days! Let me tell you from experience, you don't want to be back at 1!

Is 40 significant? 

[Ab123]

So... .backsliding. Didn't restart NC as planned.

Communication continued today, enough that I think I need to post on the staying board going forward. I'm just noting this as the fork in the road, since, intellectually, I understand that odds are that I will be back here.

It's so hard to walk away when we love each other. And he is self aware enough to tell me that he doesn't feel like he can be around me, because he is so unhappy.  He doesn't quite say it, but it is implied he is worried about controlling his temper and hurting me again.  He really feels horrible about treating me badly. So, I'm going to give him time/space, but with the mindset that we are together.

(I know he isn't dating. He triangulated with an adult child. There's no other woman.)

[kc sunshine]

Good luck Ab123-- we're rooting for you!   

So... .backsliding. Didn't restart NC as planned.

Communication continued today, enough that I think I need to post on the staying board going forward. I'm just noting this as the fork in the road, since, intellectually, I understand that odds are that I will be back here.

It's so hard to walk away when we love each other. And he is self aware enough to tell me that he doesn't feel like he can be around me, because he is so unhappy.  He doesn't quite say it, but it is implied he is worried about controlling his temper and hurting me again.  He really feels horrible about treating me badly. So, I'm going to give him time/space, but with the mindset that we are together.

(I know he isn't dating. He triangulated with an adult child. There's no other woman.)

[Anez]

So as some of you know I work w my ex, which makes things harder. Well I was away on business last Sunday-Friday night. It felt great to be away and not have to see or hear her for a week.

I had today off but had to go in for an hour to do some things. I was really interested in seeing how it would be to see her after a true week of no contact.

As life would have it she was sitting outside at a table near the parking garage. She was talking to another co-worker who asked me for a hug and asked how my trip was. I laughed and said it was great blah blah blah. Said hello to my ex who seemed happy to see me - tho I'd love to be in her head to see what, if anything, she thinks when she sees me.

I went into the office, did some stuff, then we caught eyes and head nods in the hallway. She was down the other end of the hall but I must admit I went that way hoping to see her. Not sure why but I just wanted to see her.

She later came over near where I was working and we shared some laughs with a few co-workers. I made her laugh a few times and then she went back to her desk. But her wandering over - she rarely does - made me think she wanted to see me a bit, too.

So anyways, I left work feeling good to get through that and being cordial. But that ass called hope entered my brain, too. Hope that she would want to contact me - she hasn't initiated contact out of work in months but always responded nicely to my texts - and that we could go back to what we were.

I know that's crazy but it's how I thought. But I'm able to recognize that I was thinking of the fantasy of her - not who she really is. I've grown that way over all this time and I'm proud of that.

Tomorrow will be the first full day and we'll see how it goes. Sorry for rambling but I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Thanks for listening! You guys and girls are the best!

[kc sunshine]

That sounds really good Anez, and your trip sounds AWESOME. I like what you say about how recognizing the difference between your fantasy of her and the actual her is growth. I totally agree.

MapleBob-- were you able to resist texting her? If so, 32!

I'm the worst NC/LCer ever and have paid for it with angst and anxiety, but I guess can still say that I'm day 25 or so of release with grace (outward if not inward). 

[Anez]

I've had some feelings creep back in. It's crazy they are still there after all this time. but I'm doing my best to recognize them, sit with them for a bit, and push them away.

[kc sunshine]

Gang, I'm still struggling this first week back in the same town as my ex.

Hope has crept back in (with her inviting me over that first night) as well as despair and depression. She contacted me yesterday asking to borrow a book on open relationships (one that we had got to study together) for her and her new couple.

I don't know if this is her staging a full frontal vindictive attack on me (meanly asking for something that was meant for us for her new relationship) or if this is her keeping me in the loop.

[MapleBob]

Hope has crept back in (with her inviting me over that first night) as well as despair and depression. She contacted me yesterday asking to borrow a book on open relationships (one that we had got to study together) for her and her new couple.

I don't know if this is her staging a full frontal vindictive attack on me (meanly asking for something that was meant for us for her new relationship) or if this is her keeping me in the loop.

You read a lot of "crap BPD behavior" posts on this board, but this one really got to me for some reason. That is messed up. Borrowing a book on relationships from someone who wants to have a relationship with you so that you can go and have another relationship instead? Seriously? I'd be furious and I'd tell her to get her own copy.

[Learning Fast]

I'm with MapleBob.  It's the same old push/pull pattern revisited.  She wanted to see if you were receptive to a visit (pull) and when you were she followed up by making a request that you would find hurtful (push).

Member "2010" (who has posted some terrific material in the past) would call this "malignant hope".  Stay strong, kc---you can do it.  Keep reading and submitting posts as well as we're all here for you.

LF

[MapleBob]

MapleBob-- were you able to resist texting her? If so, 32!

Didn't catch this! Yup, still in NC. Day 33 actually, I think. I'm assuming I'll never hear from her again - and I won't choose to reach out to her for a while. Like, maybe her birthday in the summer I'll send a card. We'll see if she resists contacting me around my birthday in March. I know she'll remember the date.

[Anez]

I've had the urge the past few days to write to her about my emotions and how I still care for her and want her back in my life. She discarded me.

Why am I still feeling this way? We haven't been together since the beginning of sept yet the past few days I see her at work and all I want is her back in my life.

Pep talk, please!

[MapleBob]

I've had the urge the past few days to write to her about my emotions and how I still care for her and want her back in my life. She discarded me.

Why am I still feeling this way? We haven't been together since the beginning of sept yet the past few days I see her at work and all I want is her back in my life.

Pep talk, please!

I think you should go ahead and write the letter, not censor yourself, pour it all out, but DO NOT SEND IT TO HER. Handwrite it and then burn it. Take a picture of it on fire and look at that whenever you get the urge to contact her. There's nothing more to say after that!

[kc sunshine]

Write it to us Anez! Not to her! This is happening to me too, once we get back from being away it's like we have to adjust all over again. Stick with all the good progress that you've made over the months... .trust me, don't go down the rabbit hole like I did!

[kc sunshine]

Thank you for your good replies and two cents MapleBob and LearningFast -- the push pull has had me reeling this week and it is hard to know up from down. I'll keep writing and reading here as I try to get some critical distance from it all.

[Learning Fast]

kc,

Remember:

Time + Distance = Objectivity + Clarity

I've been NC for 6 weeks and can vouch that this is true.  I wouldn't have thought so at 2 or 3 weeks but have gradually noticed progress.   It's not linear but there are higher high moods and higher lower moods.  Remove yourself from her harmful behavior patterns, avoid social media and resist querying friends and acquaintances about her well-being.  This is the "hardest easy" thing to do but allows you to move forward with your life---not hers.

LF

[kc sunshine]

That sounds really good LF-- I'm going to try it.  Your experience is very encouraging to me.

[Anez]

I did something today.

My ex and I spent a great weekend together in Palm Springs last August. A few weeks later we were done.

While we were in Palm Springs a taxi driver took out a dollar bill and folded it up to look like a t shirt. It took him a while to do that and my ex and I both laughed as he did it. Well the other day I found it in my room while cleaning.

So today I wrote her a note saying:

"Just found this from our weekend in Palm Springs while cleaning up my place. While I miss having you in my life I do have some great memories of our time together, including this one. Have a great long weekend."

I dropped the dollar bill and letter in an envelope and left it on her car windshield after work (we work together). I then met w my T who surprisingly backed my move.

Then tonight I get this text from her:

"thank you for the note and the t shirt dollar bill from our weekend. Always makes me smile when I think about that weekend. I appreciate you giving that to me. Thank you for thinking about me."

It's funny how she loves that weekend yet discarded me a few weeks later. This is such a typical BPD response.

I feel better just finally being present and showing her the relationship meant something to me but I also know where her head's at and its not with me.

And that's for the best.

[kc sunshine]

Wow that sounds really good Anez-- that sounds like it was something you wanted to do and that your well-being wasn't dependent on her reaction to your gesture. You've done really good work.

Something my T told me yesterday: a break up with a borderline is one of the most challenging thing a person can endure.

[Anez]

Thanks, KC. I'm feeling good today. It was nice to release some feelings in a good way and while her response was exactly what I expected it would be - nothing deep - I'm ok with it.

[kc sunshine]

Hey gang!

This thread has slowed down a bit... .hopefully everyone is doing well.

I'm still slowly climbing up out of the rock bottom place I was a few days ago. I haven't been in contact for the past two days and am trying not to ruminate about her and her other loves.

How's everyone else doing?

[MapleBob]

How's everyone else doing?

Feeling pretty angry and done (and also sad) at Day 36 (I think?). Next Friday is six weeks NC, and one year since our breakup. Eh, mixed feelings I guess.

[Welgrow]

Hey Guys,

I'm starting over NC since Wednesday, and I've been pretty down. This time I blocked her number and email. Why would I possibly still miss her? Why would I still love her?

[kc sunshine]

Yeah, me too, on the sad front. I wish there was more science or studies about the experience of being an ex of a BPD. I know there are some studies about being a partner (studies that show an increased levels in depression, anxiety etc-- not surprising), but I don't know of any studies about ex-partners. I wonder what the phenomenon is-- abandonment reaction? The aftermath of trying to attach to someone with disordered attachment?

One weird thing-- I do kind of like I have "caught" some BPD symptoms that I never had before  -- is this possible? Is it short-lived? Did anyone else experience something like this?