won't come to my house

[Scopikaz]

Well I'm trying to detach. Though I know it doesn't seem like it.  But we were together almost two years.  She moved out almost 3 months ago. We've done a few things this month and one scheduled concert next month. 

For most part she has painted me black though.  She says she doesn't want to talk about us or future or relationship.  She says also that she won't even come to my house to watch a movie because there's too much pain at the thought of coming over here. 

We went to one concert.  We went on nice four day trip together. We are going to a musical on Friday.  And concert in March.  Yet it pains her to want to come to my house to watch a movie?

What does everyone make of that? 

[AsGoodAsItGets]

She's got a replacement already.  Being at your house with no concert to distraction will remind her she using  you.  The  pain she's referencing is the guilt shell feel for using you.  Now if she's planning these concerts and paying for her own ticket then, discard what I said.

[patientandclear]

If you take seriously the fear of loss that most pwBPD experience, the intense pain due to real closeness with you makes sense.

[patientandclear]

If you take seriously the fear of loss that most pwBPD experience, the intense pain due to real closeness with you makes sense. I don't think any of tohis is weird within the framework of BPD. Empathizing with her lightly instead of pushing my help her feel more comfortable.

[Scopikaz]

I know I definitely need to be more empathizing. More patient. But right now it seems like there is no hope for a future with us. Like she wants nothing. She's said she doesn't want to hurt me. She's said she doesn't see anything for us now. She's said she doesn't want a relationship with anyone.  Self preservation as she calls it. She said she can't trust anyone. She's lost too much in this world.  Two divorces and another bad relationship.  And custody of her children.  Though in all of this she was partly if not mostly to blame. Yet takes no responsibility.  That said I don't know if she's serious or not.  If she deep down does have feelings for me still. Etc.  I just want a long term relationship or marriage with her and don't know if there's anything I can really say or do to help that.

[C.Stein]

I just want a long term relationship or marriage with her

Why?

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Hmmm, your feelings do not match reality.  When treated bad, we should feel hurt not more love towards others,  you probably read enough on BPD, start reading about your own possible illness, codependency.  Good luck it takes most 1 to 3 years to get healthy.