New-BPD mom's suicide-pls help

[notadaughter]

My BPD/npd mom died by suicide about 15 months ago after many attempts in the years just before she succeeded (that I know of). I watched her until her last breath. It was a painful death. I can't get over it. I feel like she buried part of me with her. I'm an adult & lived away many years but visited regularlly. I was very resilient, successful, & made my own identity & life. I thought I was my mom's best friend until her last few years (even though my childhood wasn't that great). I have a serious medical problem and spent time with her before her death getting medical care and learned our relationship was just an image. She was a chronic liar, reckless in many ways, impulsive, addicted to narcotics, stole (she was well off), attention seeking, and the only thing stable about her was her instability! It was horrible grieving for her alive and then again dead. My health wasn't what pushed her over the edge. She was glad I was stuck with her when she was "declaring war." I really cant feel better about this even with the help of a grief therapist. There isn't literature that I can find specific to suicide of a BPD mom. I could write a book, but that's enough for now. Pls help me. Thank you.

[Suzn]

Hello notadaughter   

Welcome to the Healing board. I'm so sorry we are meeting this way, truly sorry for your loss of your mother.    Even if things weren't the best this is still a deep loss and it's going to take time to feel better. We're here to help you through it though, you're not alone. 

I'm very glad you've found us. There are so many members here who know what you've been through and some who know what this grief feels like too. It's good to hear you reached out to a grief counselor. Are you still seeing this counselor?

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Notadaughter  

I'm so glad that you have found us here at bpdfamily! You are among others so familiar with BPD who really do understand. We are joined together by the healing and coping strategies that we seek, helping one another to understand, heal and grow from the dysfunction of the BPD in our family.

I am so very sorry to hear about your mom's death, especially in the manner by which she died. I too lost my uBPDm 3 years ago. Just like you, I felt like I buried part of myself with her, and my siblings felt the same way. Sometimes I would look back and feel as if my heart had been ripped out and taken along with her to the grave. Do you find it hard to function without her? It is common to still feel sad about the death of someone close to us for quite some time. There are so many emotions rolling around inside.  

How did you learn about BPD? Were you or your mom ever in therapy?

There are several books which talk about BPD and those include information about the suicide threats which are common to a BPD. My mom also regularly threatened suicide. Have you taken a look at the list on the right about "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?" You'll find it over here -------->-------->

I look forward to hearing more of your story. Here's a hug for you!  


Wools

[notadaughter]

Yes, I am. I don't have a psych diagnosis myself except I admit I have trauma/grief & loss issues (but don't meet criteria for a dx). I'm in the psych field, ironically. I don't want to say more a. for my privacy & b.that's not why I'm here. I'm here for help and hopefully to support others eventually so my suffering has meaning & some purpose. I really feel bad. Part of that is related to my physical health & the limitations it causes, but I really want to help myself cope with my mom's BPD when she was alive, watching her die, and the loss after. I as ingrained to love her unconditionally & put her first, & I did. I have to face that as an adult I made my own decisions.

[notadaughter]

Wools- so sorry to hear. Yes, I feel as u describe. I have several books including the BPD mom book. As I said, while u were replying. I'm in the psych field, ironically. The books talk a lot abt what u said... .Bpd suicide threats. Then there are grief/loss books that may mention suicide & books on suicide of a loved one but it's very specific abt what a mom takes from a daughter when she has BPD and succeeds in her suicide. My entire family of origin is destroyed. It's like i lost my entire family to her death but I realize now her BPD disrupted my family's dynamics in a big way & I escaped by leaving home young & recreating my life & relationship with her. I didn't realize she was BPD but was a textbook case. So I can't find anything abt how to cope. She isn't threatening. She's dead. I'm not a child. I was resilient... I'm not now. I don't think the grief books and remembering only good stuff is appropriate. It seems like it just perpetuates the lies. It was what it was and wasn't what it wasn't. It's time to be honest.

[notadaughter]

Ps thank you both. Pls help me find a way to feel better & accept it.

[Suzn]

Ps thank you both. Pls help me find a way to feel better & accept it.

I think one of the best ways to feel better is to talk about anything you feel like sharing, it helps to talk. I think you are absolutely right that telling someone to only remember the good stuff is not validating or helpful at all. We're here to listen to your truth anytime your ready to talk.

How are you coping now?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Notadaughter,

Thank you for sharing a little bit more about yourself. I am so sorry to hear how much pain you feel. Pain is pain, no matter what. I agree with you and also with Suzn's post:

I don't think the grief books and remembering only good stuff is appropriate. It seems like it just perpetuates the lies. It was what it was and wasn't what it wasn't. It's time to be honest.

This is a great step of realization to reach, and worth so much to help validate you and the truth you already have been suspecting. While it is a tough truth, good job for seeing this! 

You mentioned having read several books. Have you read "Surviving the Borderline Parent?" This was actually the very first book that I picked up and read about BPD. The first time I opened it, I was shocked, but so comforted to finally know what it was that my mom had, and why I felt the way I did. As I read a little more and then another few pages, my realization gradually increased. I couldn't relate to most of the book at first, but as I continued to go to T, I slowly began to see more and more. It takes time. That is hard when we wish to know so much at once, but the gradual enlightening is actually good, because it allows our minds time to absorb it all.

You've mentioned your grief and sadness and pain, especially concerning your mom's suicide. Can you explain a little bit more to me of what you feel you are seeking regarding her death to help me understand?


Wools 

[busybee1116]

I'm in the psych field, ironically.

I don't think it's so ironic... .it's so hard as a healthcare provider to seek help ourselves, or recognize the very issues we treat in others in ourselves. Plus, I always feel like I should be fixing/helping others, I can't be sick or in need of help. Which is ridiculous. I also could not have problems or need help in my family and I took that into adulthood. Not to blame her (or my father), just I learned some bad habits at the knee of the master.

I'm here for help and hopefully to support others eventually so my suffering has meaning & some purpose. I really feel bad. Part of that is related to my physical health & the limitations it causes, but I really want to help myself cope with my mom's BPD when she was alive, watching her die, and the loss after. I as ingrained to love her unconditionally & put her first, & I did. I have to face that as an adult I made my own decisions. 

I think you're being really hard on yourself. Speaking personally, and I may have no business doing so since my uBPDm is still alive, it really just takes time and I totally agree with Suzn that talking about it--particularly with people who understand or are at least are impartial like a therapist--helps. It also helped me to realize that it is just going to hurt for awhile. It should. If it didn't, then I would be without empathy and heart, the very thing that my mother lacks and why I'm in this predicament in the first place. Hugs to you. Keep posting.

[busybee1116]

Just checking in with you, notadaughter. I hope you're doing okay!

[momtara]

You are not alone.

Just from your screen name, i can tell you are too hard on yourself. As for your relationship to her being just a mirage - there is a part of her who benefited from and appreciated the fact that you were still there at all. Most would have shut the door a long time ago.

My mother is bipolar, not sure she's BPD, and sometimes I try to help her, but I have had to set MAJOR boundaries in order to preserve what sanity I have left.

I understand your grief and confusion. She left you with that. I just hope you can be gentle with yourself. Mental illness was not her fault, but it also was not yours.