Well, I got the call - broken NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

She called me an hour ago. I ignored. She then texted me some stuff, trying to make me feel sorry for her. Talking about how she's unhappy and what not. Couldn't help but notice she didn't say "I'm sorry." She encouraged me to ignore her, so I did.

After 3 months and 1 week of NC she breaks. Valentine's Day of all days, go figure. Honestly, I was beginning to think I'd never hear from her. I guess what it really does is confirm all of this predictable wacky behavior. Predictable as the mating cycle of a sea turtle.

Remind me again why taking her back would be bad.

[burritoman]

She called me an hour ago. I ignored. She then texted me some stuff, trying to make me feel sorry for her. Talking about how she's unhappy and what not. Couldn't help but notice she didn't say "I'm sorry." She encouraged me to ignore her, so I did.

After 3 months and 1 week of NC she breaks. Valentine's Day of all days, go figure. Honestly, I was beginning to think I'd never hear from her. I guess what it really does is confirm all of this predictable wacky behavior. Predictable as the mating cycle of a sea turtle.

Remind me again why taking her back would be bad.

[Infern0]

She called me an hour ago. I ignored. She then texted me some stuff, trying to make me feel sorry for her. Talking about how she's unhappy and what not. Couldn't help but notice she didn't say "I'm sorry." She encouraged me to ignore her, so I did.

After 3 months and 1 week of NC she breaks. Valentine's Day of all days, go figure. Honestly, I was beginning to think I'd never hear from her. I guess what it really does is confirm all of this predictable wacky behavior. Predictable as the mating cycle of a sea turtle.

Remind me again why taking her back would be bad.

Be aware that ignoring her is likely to result in increasingly desperate attempts to get you to engage.

[Driver]

She called me an hour ago. I ignored. She then texted me some stuff, trying to make me feel sorry for her. Talking about how she's unhappy and what not. Couldn't help but notice she didn't say "I'm sorry." She encouraged me to ignore her, so I did.

After 3 months and 1 week of NC she breaks. Valentine's Day of all days, go figure. Honestly, I was beginning to think I'd never hear from her. I guess what it really does is confirm all of this predictable wacky behavior. Predictable as the mating cycle of a sea turtle.

Remind me again why taking her back would be bad.

Be aware that ignoring her is likely to result in increasingly desperate attempts to get you to engage.

@Infern0, yes, but imagine that burritoman has moved on and has a new gf, do you think his new gf would be happy that he secretly (or not) responds to his exBPDgf?

I think if we want to move on with out lives unfortunately no matter how much we're hurt and desperately wanting to respond, it would bring us more trouble than freedom and opportunity to move on.

[Scopikaz]

You're stronger than me. I'd break.  Stay strong though. It's for the best.  I'm

Trying no contact again. For the fiftieth time. Stay strong. Please. 

[circularref]

Remind me again why taking her back would be bad.

You answered yourself already: "predictable as the mating cycle of a sea turtle" (great expression btw). If you take her back, you know exactly what will happen.

[Lexisdad]

Well i got the text this morning! " I'm pretty taken back you haven't contacted me i thought we were gonna be freinds"!  I have been strict no contact for 8 days. She has no idea that i know i have been replaced. She made it perfectly clear that i could have no contact with her 13 year old son who i spent 6 years with. I do not need to be friends with a cheating liar who i know now had found my replacement before the r/s ended. No doubt she spent valentines weekend with her new man but come this morning wanna contact me. I refuse to even acknowledge the text nor do i wanna remain friends after what she put me thru.

[SummerStorm]

They usually come back when things are going south/have ended.  That's what my BPD friend does.

August - Contacted me after big breakup

November - Contacted me after breakup

January - Contacted me when in between guys

I can always tell when she has a new guy.  Days before she was going on and on about this new guy on Facebook, she was texting me for hours.  Since meeting him, I've barely heard anything from her. 

The sad part is that we are supposed to actually be friends.  There's no NC.  We haven't had an argument since early December.  I try not to take it personally.  If she isn't replying to my texts, she probably isn't replying to anyone's texts.  I'll know when she breaks up with this new guy because I'll start hearing from her again. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Remind me again why taking her back would be bad.

How about looking over your earlier posts and seeing what your and her issues were then?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286882.msg12703001#msg12703001

What are your thoughts?

You posted under detaching.  Was your request rhetorical?  Are you considering a relationship?  Or are you wanting reminders to remain detached?

It is Valentine's day, I'd take her contact with a grain of salt.  Easier to reach out when she may be feeling lonely and/or think you may be feeling vulnerable/lonely.  It could seem more 'understandable' or less risky to her.

[cosmonaut]

@Infern0, yes, but imagine that burritoman has moved on and has a new gf, do you think his new gf would be happy that he secretly (or not) responds to his exBPDgf?

I'm personally of the belief that jealousy of non-secret contact with a partner's ex is immature.  I don't think that I could ever be in a relationship with someone who has this degree of jealousy towards an ex of mine.  This is something that I've had to arrive at the hard way in life, because I was once very much that jealous lover filled with tremendous resentment towards any degree of contact with a partner's ex - or even any positive feelings at all.  I've come to believe it was very childish of me.  Secret contact is a problem, but contact with someone our partner cares about is something that we must accept.  We are adults and we should be able to understand that when a partner loved someone deeply it isn't natural to simply stop caring about them.  I think it's a red flag to be with a partner who thinks otherwise.

[burritoman]

First of all, she was drunk. I noticed on Facebook a couple of hours prior that she said she was going to drink an entire bottle of wine that shared the same name of a band we both like. Last Valentine's Day she bought me two records of that band. I thought it was a funny but suspicious coincidence.

She may or may not intensify her attempts. The problem here is that I can't keep up NC forever because all of her stuff is still up here. I feel that she will use this as an in regardless of if I want to take her back or not.

Drunk or not, she ain't done. A part of me is curious to know when she'll try again. My weakness here are the good memories. If I take her back there will indeed be another honeymoon phase, but it's only a matter of time before the evil comes back. Given all that I now know about BPD I feel like things could be different this time around, but deep down I know it isn't true.

A part of me misses her, a part of me wants to head for the hills.

[Sunfl0wer]

What you are describing seems impulsive to me of both of you.

I wonder how your thoughts and hers would evolve naturally if you give it two wks of nothing then see where you are at and see if you want to engage then... .when emotional wounds are not sitting on the surface awaiting a salve.

I would be suspicious of the lasting potential of any relationship that begins with a sense of heightened 'emotionality.'  ... .verses deciding from a place of balanced mind and emotions.

[kc sunshine]

I like Sunflower's advice-- I will try to take it up too!

I got a call from my ex yesterday too-- saying she wanted to talk (first time since our breakup). I stalled it and texted back a couple hours later by which time she didn't want to talk anymore. A part of me regrets not having the chance to talk with her but the big picture me thinks the outcome was probably good-- we both reached out without necessarily engaging, especially in this time of heightened emotionality.

I wonder how your thoughts and hers would evolve naturally if you give it two wks of nothing then see where you are at and see if you want to engage then... .when emotional wounds are not sitting on the surface awaiting a salve.

I would be suspicious of the lasting potential of any relationship that begins with a sense of heightened 'emotionality.'  ... .verses deciding from a place of balanced mind and emotions.

[La Carotte]

@Infern0, yes, but imagine that burritoman has moved on and has a new gf, do you think his new gf would be happy that he secretly (or not) responds to his exBPDgf?

I'm personally of the belief that jealousy of non-secret contact with a partner's ex is immature.  I don't think that I could ever be in a relationship with someone who has this degree of jealousy towards an ex of mine.  This is something that I've had to arrive at the hard way in life, because I was once very much that jealous lover filled with tremendous resentment towards any degree of contact with a partner's ex - or even any positive feelings at all.  I've come to believe it was very childish of me.  Secret contact is a problem, but contact with someone our partner cares about is something that we must accept.  We are adults and we should be able to understand that when a partner loved someone deeply it isn't natural to simply stop caring about them.  I think it's a red flag to be with a partner who thinks otherwise.

I know this isn't relevant to the OP but I just wanted to say thank you for expressing this, cosmonaut, it's very validating for me. I entirely agree with what you say, always have, but it's been one of the biggest, most destructive ongoing sources of conflict for me and ex- she hasnt been able to cope with the fact that I have refused to say horrible things about my previous ex, because she didn't do anything wrong, other than not be the one for me. One of my biggest regrets of the past three years is that I treated the previous ex badly and have lost her friendship, because I was trying so hard to placate ex, which of course I now know was never going to happen.

Anyway, I'm happy to see that maybe I'm not a terrible awful disloyal person for thinking the way I do after all.

[kc sunshine]

This was my and my BPD ex's number one source of conflict as well.

@Infern0, yes, but imagine that burritoman has moved on and has a new gf, do you think his new gf would be happy that he secretly (or not) responds to his exBPDgf?

I'm personally of the belief that jealousy of non-secret contact with a partner's ex is immature.  I don't think that I could ever be in a relationship with someone who has this degree of jealousy towards an ex of mine.  This is something that I've had to arrive at the hard way in life, because I was once very much that jealous lover filled with tremendous resentment towards any degree of contact with a partner's ex - or even any positive feelings at all.  I've come to believe it was very childish of me.  Secret contact is a problem, but contact with someone our partner cares about is something that we must accept.  We are adults and we should be able to understand that when a partner loved someone deeply it isn't natural to simply stop caring about them.  I think it's a red flag to be with a partner who thinks otherwise.

I know this isn't relevant to the OP but I just wanted to say thank you for expressing this, cosmonaut, it's very validating for me. I entirely agree with what you say, always have, but it's been one of the biggest, most destructive ongoing sources of conflict for me and ex- she hasnt been able to cope with the fact that I have refused to say horrible things about my previous ex, because she didn't do anything wrong, other than not be the one for me. One of my biggest regrets of the past three years is that I treated the previous ex badly and have lost her friendship, because I was trying so hard to placate ex, which of course I now know was never going to happen.

Anyway, I'm happy to see that maybe I'm not a terrible awful disloyal person for thinking the way I do after all.

[steelwork]

One of my biggest regrets of the past three years is that I treated the previous ex badly and have lost her friendship, because I was trying so hard to placate ex, which of course I now know was never going to happen.

Just to follow up on this sidebar: FIT, maybe you could reach out to this ex with an apology. It might be healing for both of you.

[La Carotte]

Hi steelwork

I did. We met and we talked and I explained and she understood, and it was all as lovely and conciliatory and open as you could want it to be- an absolute measure of her decency as a person. But it took me a year to do it, and a lot of damage was done, and although she would have been willing to still be in my life as a friend, it was hard for her to see me in the abusive relationship I was choosing. And so we agreed to not be in each other's lives. Basically I chose ex again. And of course ex has never forgiven me for meeting previous ex (it wasn't a secret, it just took me a year to screw up my courage and do the right thing, knowing it would incur ex's wrath) and even today brought it up as proof of my disloyalty... .That I finaly, after one year, had the decency to meet my previous ex, who I'd been with for ten years, and give her answers to the questions she had, so she could get closure after I'd dumped her out of the blue. It makes me ashamed. But also, writing it here, I need to listen to what im saying.

[Driver]

@Infern0, yes, but imagine that burritoman has moved on and has a new gf, do you think his new gf would be happy that he secretly (or not) responds to his exBPDgf?

I'm personally of the belief that jealousy of non-secret contact with a partner's ex is immature.  I don't think that I could ever be in a relationship with someone who has this degree of jealousy towards an ex of mine.  This is something that I've had to arrive at the hard way in life, because I was once very much that jealous lover filled with tremendous resentment towards any degree of contact with a partner's ex - or even any positive feelings at all.  I've come to believe it was very childish of me.  Secret contact is a problem, but contact with someone our partner cares about is something that we must accept.  We are adults and we should be able to understand that when a partner loved someone deeply it isn't natural to simply stop caring about them.  I think it's a red flag to be with a partner who thinks otherwise.

I think there has been a misunderstanding here.

You and I or many among nons may be able to stay in contact with an ex, but what I meant is that if your ex is a pwBPD, she/he might sabotage your new relationship. I am not saying all the pwBPD do it, but there is a risk. So, I advised burritoman for his own good to move on and eliminate possible drama and trauma if ever his exBPDgf all of sudden tried to sabotage his r/s.

I think there is a slight difference between an exNONBPDgf and an exBPDgf, I am saying this from my own experience.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

You're stronger than me. I'd break.  Stay strong though. It's for the best.  I'm

Trying no contact again. For the fiftieth time. Stay strong. Please. 

This seems to be the cycle for what I noticed here and with myself. Every 3 to 4 months they decide to contact us. I am not sure if it is because their honeymoon is over by then with our replacement or there is their internal clock's alarm goes off. I am pretty sure my call/text is not far from now. I have noticed someone has been viewing my LinkedIn anonymously again on vday and yesterday.