Will I ever feel that way again?

[cleverusername]

Hey guys,

So I've been doing some dating recently, but have been having some issues and it has me trying to figure some things out about myself. This was something I recently wrote down, just so I wouldn't forget it and I could come back and think about it more:

"How do you go from the incredible highs of a BPD relationship, to the lows, to the ending, and then come back for more (another relationship)? For me it was my first relationship too, so I feel like nothing will ever feel that way again. How do I get into a relationship again when I feel less and when I know the bad that can come from it? I date and really don't care as much about it anymore (unless I get dumped, in which case I suddenly feel like maybe they were one who I could have actually fell for). I've been dating three girls for months and don't want commitment, would rather be able to meet new people and maybe have a chance at really being into someone again, but I'm not even sure I'd let myself."

I'm actually down to dating two girls now, haha, because one of them told me that things weren't progressing fast enough which was giving them a "friend vibe," so she ended things. Totally understandable really.

I feel like I'm just unwilling to give my all in a relationship, and I have realized that I basically have negative feelings toward falling in love at this point. I feel like some of you will tell me to not date for a while and work on myself, but I don't think that's going to change these feelings. I'm a year and a half out from the breakup with my uBPDx and I'd say that I'm over her, but I'm not over the feeling of that first relationship of my life.

Anyway, I'm thinking I'm not the only person on these boards who have had these types of feelings, so I was wondering if anyone had any advice or common experiences to share.

[Fox Mulder]

Hey, cleverusername. My situation is similar to yours. Though my relationship with my BPD ex wasn't my first relationship, it WAS the first that wasn't a long-distance relationship and the first in which I actually seriously considered spending the rest of my life with this person. We spent four years together. It was intense the whole way through. There wasn't really much push-pull. She just clung to me until the end when she cheated on me and then replaced me. That was a year and a half ago. I'm still getting over her. I don't ever want her back, but I still remember a lot of our time together fondly. Mainly the video games and the sex.

I've talked to like maybe a dozen women over this past year and a half, but I haven't wanted to commit to any of them. They've all been nice and cute and smart and funny and sexy, but not as nice and cute and smart and funny and sexy as my ex seemed to be. I say 'seemed' because she was almost assuredly mirroring me, telling me what I wanted to hear. I wouldn't be surprised if she kept notes on the things I liked so she could get into them too, in order to endear herself to me. My entire perception of what love is and what is fair to expect from a girl you're dating is completely messed up by how absolutely perfect I thought my ex was. Even though I know all about BPD now, I still can't help comparing girls and the feelings they give me to what I felt when I was with my ex in that blissful honeymoon period that made up the first couple of years of our relationship.

Normal women are hard to get used to. Three days after meeting my ex for the first time, I felt absolutely no doubts - I knew she cared for me and was attracted to me and wanted to spend time with me. Whereas with normal women, you can go weeks - even months, if you're patient enough with them - without really knowing how they truly feel about you. I've forgotten how to deal with that. My ex always texted back right away, the girls I've met since my ex can go days without replying. My ex was always suggesting stuff for us to do together and almost never turned down one of my date ideas, whereas the girls since her don't ever come up with any ideas of their own and shoot down half of the ideas I bring up. My ex showered me with compliments, but the new girls in my life barely ever do. The dating game might be the healthier, safer alternative to getting wrapped up in a whirlwind of passion like you do with BPD people, but it's just so boring and cold and impersonal. My ex made me believe she was heads over heels for ME, and the new women I've met just make me feel like some random guy, interchangeable with all the others.

I'm worried that I'm never going to find another relationship because my ex has set these impossible standards for the women to follow. No one's as cute, as sexy, as fun, as clever. No one has seemed even remotely as attracted to me as she seemed to be in those first days and weeks. I don't want another relationship with a BPD person whose adoration of me is a mere facade or symptom of a mental disorder. But I don't want a relationship with someone who I can date for two months and still won't really open up to me, who won't make me feel like a handsome and desirable guy.

So I guess that probably means I'm not really ready for another relationship, even though I'm incredibly lonely, and even though my ex will soon celebrate the two year anniversary of her new super-fun, super-awesome, super-sexy relationship with my replacement. Lame.

[Ziggiddy]

Hey Clever

Congratulations to you for looking inside yourself and deciding that you want healthier r'ships in the future.

One devastating thing about recovery from a r'ship with someone wBPD is learning to tolerate what seems like a dullness afterwards.

you have been subject to a volatile cocktail of emotions and actions, no doubt and that produces a strange effect via hormones.

You may have heard of traumatic bonding. These types of r'ships produce a similar effect.

It can even feel addictive.

I wouldn't presume to tell you not to date for awhile - love is a wonderful thing after all and we all pursue it. However I would recommend you take as much time as you feel necessary to look into yourself and identify what it was that attracted you to that r'ship to start with.

I have learned that whenever I would feel a magnetic drawing to someone, a certain crushlike haze would descend on me and that person would become the focal point of my life in many ways.

Another warning sign would be a leap into fantasy imagining how wonderful everything would become and how much happier I would be.

Having learned now that those r'ships echoed the type of bonds I had with my uBPDmother and OCDPD father I take more time to evaluate the person and my response to them

By all means if you want to date then that is your call. It might be worth however taking your time to get to know the person and measure your responses. there's no deadlines after all!

After your experiences, you may be able to better assess what are healthy boundaries for yourself and pay closer attention to what breaches them.

Again it is worth being realistic - no one is going to get it perfect but your partner's responses to your boundaries will help you work out whether you are being respected or not.

A healthy r'ship will involve a partner who tries and you will no doubt recognise that as opposed to someone who wants you to be on a rollercoaster with them

The fact that you are even here means you have probably already gained tools to deal with this issue, you possibly just lack confidence.

Be prepared to give it a go!

Also be prepared to back away if alarm bells start ringing. it's only by living that we learn so go forth and live! (Haaha)

Best of luck in your venturing.

Ziggiddy

[thisagain]

Hey Cleverusername ( )

My first relationship, not the BPD one, was extremely intense. It lasted only a few months, but the aftermath stuck with me for over a year. I had another relationship a year and a half after the breakup that I basically consider a rebound despite all the time in between.

Did the second relationship feel like that magical first relationship? No, nowhere close. But it did show me that I could enjoy spending time with someone else and enjoy sex with someone else. More importantly, that second relationship (along with the therapy I'd started around the same time) brought into focus some of my own issues that contributed to the breakdown of both relationships. I learned a lot about myself.

You'll find that every relationship is different and the way you feel as the relationship develops is different. You can also have different kinds of relationships that can all be valuable and enjoyable. Chill dating with multiple people at once is fine if that's what's floating your boat right now.

The BPD relationship probably distorted your idea of what it means to "give my all in a relationship," and what "falling in love" entails. I'd recommend you do some reading, on here and elsewhere, about what a relationship looks like with healthy boundaries, effective and validating communication, etc. Read the Staying lessons on here, because they'll make you feel empowered to protect yourself the next time you encounter BPD-like behavior. Also think about what your ideal relationship looks like, what your most important needs are in a relationship, what kind of person you think you'd click with, and what are red flags that you want to avoid. 

Once you've identified what you're looking for and what you're avoiding, it might make it easier for you to date. And some of that will just come with experience. I don't think it's the worst idea for you to keep dating. Practice some of the tools you've learned on here, and show yourself that you now have control over how you are treated. You have communication tools to minimize conflict, and if things get abusive, you're just casually dating and you're free to leave.

[cleverusername]

@Fox Mulder,

Wow, a lot of what you said here really resonates with me.

Normal women are hard to get used to. Three days after meeting my ex for the first time, I felt absolutely no doubts - I knew she cared for me and was attracted to me and wanted to spend time with me. Whereas with normal women, you can go weeks - even months, if you're patient enough with them - without really knowing how they truly feel about you. I've forgotten how to deal with that. My ex always texted back right away, the girls I've met since my ex can go days without replying. My ex was always suggesting stuff for us to do together and almost never turned down one of my date ideas, whereas the girls since her don't ever come up with any ideas of their own and shoot down half of the ideas I bring up.

I think this is my biggest problem. It took me even less time to have no doubts after I met my ex for the first time. She made her intentions clear over text right after our first date. Being that I had never been in a relationship at the time of course I wasn't going to turn down an attractive girl who was clearly very interested (although even with my inexperience I found it a little weird of her to tell me that she "couldn't believe I existed," as if I was perfect )

Most of the girls I date now don't make it very clear that they're interested at all, even when they are. Like you said, they almost never initiate dates or come up with date ideas. After doing some thinking I realized that I probably falsely put the blame on myself for the girl I had been dating who ended things last week due to things not progressing fast enough for her. The truth is she initiated our first conversation on a dating site and then almost never did again. It was always me texting first, me asking her out, etc. The one time that I can remember where she made me feel that she was interested was on New Years Eve (which we didn't spend together) when she told me to save my New Years kiss for her. I was shocked.

I don't get it, the only thing I can think of is that this sort of behavior is some kind old fashioned gender role that still hasn't completely died out. Either way I'm not going to chase and chase when I'm not even getting any feedback as to whether it's working or not.

But I don't want a relationship with someone who I can date for two months and still won't really open up to me, who won't make me feel like a handsome and desirable guy.

This sounds exactly like this last girl I dated. I've never met a person who was so unwilling to open up to me, it was ridiculous. I usually have very open conversations with the women I date over text before even meeting for the first time in person. With this girl I never felt that I could just tell her anything without feeling like she'd judge me or something. And I'd ask her things like how her day was, and instead of actually having a conversation about it and going into detail about things that bugged her at work or whatever she'd just say "good, how was yours?" or something.

My ex showered me with compliments, but the new girls in my life barely ever do. The dating game might be the healthier, safer alternative to getting wrapped up in a whirlwind of passion like you do with BPD people, but it's just so boring and cold and impersonal. My ex made me believe she was heads over heels for ME, and the new women I've met just make me feel like some random guy, interchangeable with all the others.

This. I actually met one girl recently and it was the craziest one date and done experience of my life. We met online and hit it off over text before the first date. It was one of those times where I was really looking forward to meeting a girl (which is pretty rare for me at this point) because I knew we'd click. And we totally did. I remember going to the bathroom during the date and thinking to myself "wow, I actually really want to get back to talking to her." That doesn't happen for me. So after the date ended I offered to drive her back to her car since she was parked much further away. I parked next to her car and was content with maybe a quick kiss at most since I don't try to rush that kind of stuff. She basically jumped me and we made out until security asked us to leave haha.

Over the next three weeks I set up dates that she'd flake on the day before with seemingly legit excuses, but all the while was texting a good amount and always showering me with compliments and calling me handsome. The second date never happened. On her final flake she told me she met a guy 4 weeks before me and they had decided to stop seeing other people. I was baffled but handled it about as well as you could ask for and we remained friendly.

I ended up texting her a little after New Years and she asked me if I had a New Years kiss. I told her I didn't and she said she didn't either, for the first time in 9 years (she got out of a 9 year relationship 5 months before we met). I considered asking what happened with the guy she was dating but didn't until a few days later when curiosity got the best of me. She said she didn't spend NYE with him because he got really clingy and had started doing off-putting things like trying to peak at her phone while she was texting, etc. I considered asking her out again but kind of figured it's on her at this point. Now that I think about it I told her I was dating the girl who recently ended things (and even told her I wasn't sure it was going to work and that she's boring, haha) so maybe she thinks the ball is in my court. I'm considering asking her out again, even though her behavior has sort of thrown up some red-flags for me. Her behavior might be unhealthy but she's the only girl I've met recently who I felt I could really fall hard for. We can't go around expecting that everyone who makes us feel this way has a mental disorder... .right? 

[cleverusername]

Hey Clever

Congratulations to you for looking inside yourself and deciding that you want healthier r'ships in the future.

One devastating thing about recovery from a r'ship with someone wBPD is learning to tolerate what seems like a dullness afterwards.

you have been subject to a volatile cocktail of emotions and actions, no doubt and that produces a strange effect via hormones.

You may have heard of traumatic bonding. These types of r'ships produce a similar effect.

It can even feel addictive.

I wouldn't presume to tell you not to date for awhile - love is a wonderful thing after all and we all pursue it. However I would recommend you take as much time as you feel necessary to look into yourself and identify what it was that attracted you to that r'ship to start with.

I have learned that whenever I would feel a magnetic drawing to someone, a certain crushlike haze would descend on me and that person would become the focal point of my life in many ways.

Another warning sign would be a leap into fantasy imagining how wonderful everything would become and how much happier I would be.

Having learned now that those r'ships echoed the type of bonds I had with my uBPDmother and OCDPD father I take more time to evaluate the person and my response to them

By all means if you want to date then that is your call. It might be worth however taking your time to get to know the person and measure your responses. there's no deadlines after all!

After your experiences, you may be able to better assess what are healthy boundaries for yourself and pay closer attention to what breaches them.

Again it is worth being realistic - no one is going to get it perfect but your partner's responses to your boundaries will help you work out whether you are being respected or not.

A healthy r'ship will involve a partner who tries and you will no doubt recognise that as opposed to someone who wants you to be on a rollercoaster with them

The fact that you are even here means you have probably already gained tools to deal with this issue, you possibly just lack confidence.

Be prepared to give it a go!

Also be prepared to back away if alarm bells start ringing. it's only by living that we learn so go forth and live! (Haaha)

Best of luck in your venturing.

Ziggiddy

Thanks Ziggiddy, this all sounds like good advice! Like you said I definitely do want to take my time getting to know a person. As far as there being a deadline... .apparently some women have deadlines in their head as to where exactly a relationship should be after 2-3 months, even if they are putting in significantly less effort, haha. That was only one person though and I had a feeling she wasn't right for me anyway, I was just being more patient about getting to know her than she was willing to be.

And I agree that I have thankfully gained some tools to deal with these issues and things should get better looking forward. This place has been a great resource for me. I find myself thinking about questions that I have about certain things that aren't BPD related that I don't feel like talking about with friends/family, and wishing I could ask the members here since everyone is always so kind and helpful!

[cleverusername]

Chill dating with multiple people at once is fine if that's what's floating your boat right now.

You see, chill dating with multiple people would be fine (and is what I had been looking to do for at least a little while), but it just seems to end up making me feel guilty and even more indecisive than usual since there are more options, haha. I end up feeling like I'm jerking them around or something, and like I'm the only one they're seeing (without knowing that is the case) and feeling bad that they aren't getting my full attention or whatever. Plus I feel like there are things I shouldn't do with one if I want to keep seeing the others (intimate things, sex, etc). Maybe I'm naive since I'm pretty inexperienced, but multi-dating has probably been more stressful than anything else for me, haha.

The BPD relationship probably distorted your idea of what it means to "give my all in a relationship," and what "falling in love" entails. I'd recommend you do some reading, on here and elsewhere, about what a relationship looks like with healthy boundaries, effective and validating communication, etc. Read the Staying lessons on here, because they'll make you feel empowered to protect yourself the next time you encounter BPD-like behavior. Also think about what your ideal relationship looks like, what your most important needs are in a relationship, what kind of person you think you'd click with, and what are red flags that you want to avoid.  Red Flag

Once you've identified what you're looking for and what you're avoiding, it might make it easier for you to date. And some of that will just come with experience. I don't think it's the worst idea for you to keep dating. Practice some of the tools you've learned on here, and show yourself that you now have control over how you are treated. You have communication tools to minimize conflict, and if things get abusive, you're just casually dating and you're free to leave.

This sounds like great advice! I've never really experienced being in love, or at least I don't think I have. I've definitely experiences strong feelings, but my uBPDx would either say she was breaking up with me or talk about breaking up (saying things like she's not sure the relationship is giving her what she needs, etc) every 3 weeks or so like clockwork, so I never really felt comfortable putting my heart 100% in it. Even so when the rollercoaster stopped it destroyed me... .

So reading about what love is supposed to be like should be very helpful, as well as figuring out what exactly I should be looking for and what's healthy. Thanks, thisagain!

[thisagain]

You see, chill dating with multiple people would be fine (and is what I had been looking to do for at least a little while), but it just seems to end up making me feel guilty and even more indecisive than usual since there are more options, haha. I end up feeling like I'm jerking them around or something, and like I'm the only one they're seeing (without knowing that is the case) and feeling bad that they aren't getting my full attention or whatever. Plus I feel like there are things I shouldn't do with one if I want to keep seeing the others (intimate things, sex, etc). Maybe I'm naive since I'm pretty inexperienced, but multi-dating has probably been more stressful than anything else for me, haha.

Hey Clever,

You definitely shouldn't do anything that makes you feel guilty or stresses you out! What you describe could be due to inexperience, but it sounds totally reasonable and valid. I've been dating or talking to a few people at once, but wouldn't be comfortable having multiple sexual relationships. It's fine for you to draw the line there or somewhere else.

I think these days, people assume that you're going to be seeing others. That's especially true if you met online. If you've been on several dates or the other person seems to be catching more serious feelings, then it's courteous to tell them that you're seeing other people.

But you should listen to your gut and not force yourself into anything you're uncomfortable with. I've had a few relationships all of which developed quickly from dating into relationship. Until age 25 I'd been on only one date that didn't develop into a relationship. I was focused on finding "The One," plus I was shy and had low self-esteem so I thought I'd be lucky if even one person wanted to date me. After my BPD breakup last year, I now feel like it's important for me to meet different people, explore different types of relationship, and "practice" dating in a way that's consistent with my new values (particularly my commitment to keeping healthy boundaries and not enmeshing quickly).

You might have different priorities or be in a different place in life, and that's cool! The most important thing is to make sure you've done the work on yourself to recover from any FOO or codependency type issues (whether they preceded the BPD relationship or were caused by the BPD relationship). Once you're in a healthy place yourself, your instincts will lead you to the right kind of relationship(s) for you.