I need help: the break-up discussion is coming very soon

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have walked on eggshells for the last 3 years knowing that any little thing could make him jealous and angry. I have nothing to hide but I learnt how to avoid what could trigger him.

For the letter, I had the help of the therapist who read it and gave me his comments.

I just want to tell him that I am leaving him, not for another man, but for ME because this relation ship doesn't suit me anymore, that I realized that we never would be happy together. I want to add that even if I know that he will be very upset with me and will hate me, I don't feel any anger, only sadness.

And I will finish by saying that I am leaving somewhere else temporalily, the time we set all the material things together

[Isa_lala]

I have walked on eggshells for the last 3 years knowing that any little thing could make him jealous and angry. I have nothing to hide but I learnt how to avoid what could trigger him.

For the letter, I had the help of the therapist who read it and gave me his comments.

I just want to tell him that I am leaving him, not for another man, but for ME because this relation ship doesn't suit me anymore, that I realized that we never would be happy together. I want to add that even if I know that he will be very upset with me and will hate me, I don't feel any anger, only sadness.

And I will finish by saying that I am leaving somewhere else temporalily, the time we set all the material things together

[C.Stein]

Have you started on working your letter, yet? I don't know if you are receiving any support on that from your T but we are always here for feedback.

A little humor?

Dear dude,

You Suck!

Goodbye

[thisworld]

Isa_Lala, hi,

You are a very courageous woman who is dealing with all this so well. Kudos to you! 

My break-up communication (about hate/anger etc) was based on a different subtle message. But now that your T has already made comments, I suppose there are different strategies in these break-ups.

My T also made me understand that no matter what I said or did, ultimately this was about protecting boundaries and not acting with uncontrolled emotion afterwards until my own detachment was complete. (Then there are not uncontrolled emotions anyway.)

Please keep us updated.

We will be thinking about you    

[Isa_lala]

Have you started on working your letter, yet? I don't know if you are receiving any support on that from your T but we are always here for feedback.

A little humor?

Dear dude,

You Suck!

Goodbye

Ah ah ah

[Isa_lala]

I am almost there... .I will let you know how it goes tomorrow

[thisworld]

Good luck with everything today Isa_Lala,

My thoughts are with you

Stay strong!

[Isa_lala]

Thank you.

I left my home. I am still shaking

My bf did not leave the house the time he usually does! It made my stress go up at its maximum. When he finally left, I rushed to prepare my things but did not take everything I wanted. I am so stressed ! Can not breathe

I didn't leave a letter. Too rushed.  I just want to cry, and I am sure I will but I need first do a grocery for my kid and I

My son doesn't know anything and I will be so sad to tell him tonight what is happening

Last night was again a nightmare. My bf became angry, and had a rage outburst, punching me on my legs when sitting beside him. He wanted so much to hit me and to hurt me but didn't

I am so stressed

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you.

I left my home. I am still shaking

My bf did not leave the house the time he usually does! It made my stress go up at its maximum. When he finally left, I rushed to prepare my things but did not take everything I wanted. I am so stressed ! Can not breathe

I didn't leave a letter. Too rushed.  I just want to cry, and I am sure I will but I need first do a grocery for my kid and I

My son doesn't know anything and I will be so sad to tell him tonight what is happening

Last night was again a nightmare. My bf became angry, and had a rage outburst, punching me on my legs when sitting beside him. He wanted so much to hit me and to hurt me but didn't

I am so stressed

Good for you Isa!  You did your best in the situation and you're moving forward with your goals, protecting yourself and your son, congratulations and give yourself credit for that.

Can not breathe

Best to take long, deep breaths on purpose right now; we tend to hold our breath when we're stressed, but we do better with lots of oxygen.  And while you're taking that deep breath, tell yourself everything is going to be better, which it will.  Take care of you!

[Penelope35]

Hi Isa. I have never posted on your thread but I have been following your story.  I just wanted to tell you I am glad you did it. I understand you are stressed right now but please try to calm down and take one step at a time. you did the right thing for you and your child. I hope punching you on your legs yesterday is another proof for you that you don't deserve having your body and heart violated by ANYONE, no matter how Iimportant you thought he was for you. Keep posting here. We are all here for you. Congratulations for you courage to leave! 

[thisworld]

Isa_lala,

Breathe, the most difficult part is over.    

These happen in a lot of exits but things get sorted out. You are a very, very strong woman who managed to get out despite yesterday's stress and the change in his schedule today. Please congratulate yourself for that.  

You are out and that's the most important. Everything else can be sorted out. Do not pressure yourself with the letter in your mind now. If you still want to send it, maybe you can e-mail it after getting opinions from a helpline or your therapist. Right now, what's most important is that you relax, have some food with your son and regain your strength. It will be a change for your son but a good change in the end.  

For everything else, your friends and support system in general can help you with everything.

Will you have a friend with you tonight who can give you some morale?

[Isa_lala]

Hello and thank you all

I need to calm down, breathe deeply and speak to myself

The first step is done, then I have to take one thing at a time.

Difficult when you have a tendency to be anxious

I will send an email to my bf as soon as I pick my son up at school.

Then, if my bf is too upset, I will have the opportunity to turn off my cell and try to relax.

I planned to take a warm bath tonight and a cup of wine

Tomorrow is another day

Keep cheering me up, it makes me feel a little bit better

[thisworld]

Sure we will, we are here for you whenever you have the time

And a bath and wine sounds like a perfect idea.

A la santé!

[fromheeltoheal]

OK, I'm looking forward to updates Isa, very brave, bold move today and I'm proud of you.

At this point many of us felt a huge sense of relief, like a weight had been removed from our shoulders.  Once you get beyond the initial stress you will probably experience that, and enjoy it, you've earned it. 

Take care of you!

[Isa_lala]

OK, I'm looking forward to updates Isa, very brave, bold move today and I'm proud of you.

At this point many of us felt a huge sense of relief, like a weight had been removed from our shoulders.  Once you get beyond the initial stress you will probably experience that, and enjoy it, you've earned it. 

Take care of you!

Yes, for the moment, I don't feel any relief, just stress.

I know that when my be will be calmer (if it ever happens... .) we will discuss the logistic and material things and that will be easier,

I am looking forward to feeling the relief a lot of people spoke about on this board

Thank you all

[thisworld]

Isa_lala,

The stress will pass. You have had a very difficult two days and a lot of stress before that, too. But you've done it!

Sometimes, strong people get stressed like this because they think "What next now? I have to do this, do this, do this." This is also because of the crisis mode we may be very used to. It takes a bit of time to learn to slow down and relax. (Plus, you will probably wait to hear from him for a couple of days and that's another cause of stress.)

But it will pass.

I was very stressed after my break-up because my ex was harassing me through e-mail. Then we had another action film episode and he just decided to leave me alone. Very unexpectedly. Harassment stopped and I got even more stressed! What was he doing now? etc etc. Thousands of questions in my head. He said we were best friends now and I was even more stressed  (When I was so good to him, we were never best friends ) So, I was so anxious that I even called him twice to see if he was still my best friend  (I don't advise this.) Apparently, he is. I'll never know what is going on with him. But so far so good.

So, yes, sometimes when things go well, we get anxious as well. I felt in control of the situation when there was harassment because I knew what was going on - even if it was harassment. When it stopped, I didn't "know" anymore, I too lost my "control".

But my system got used to it. Don't worry about stress right now. It's very expected. You'll be better soon.

Keep posting,

We are here for you  

[Isa_lala]

He has written me many times since he received the email. He wants me to feel bad because of the kids (his and mine ) .

I blocked his phone number so I won't receive his calls.

This is what will be difficult, this feeling of being harassed... .I regret so much to not have broken up with him before.

I know it will be very painful, more painful than with a non npd, but I have to go through that and be strong

[Isa_lala]

How to do to not respond to emails and other text messages?

After all he deserves to get answers. He is not a monster

[Turkish]

How to do to not respond to emails and other text messages?

After all he deserves to get answers. He is not a monster

Check out this discussion:

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

Remember BIFF When Responding to Hostile E-mails

Hostile e-mail exchanges have become huge in divorce. Blamers love sending them and use them to attack you, your family and friends, and professionals. It’s extremely tempting to respond the same way. Hostile e-mail has also become huge in family court, as a document used to show someone’s bad behavior. While you are encouraged to save copies of hostile e-mail sent to you, it is very important that you not send hostile e-mails to anyone. They will be used against you.

Instead, assertively use a BIFF response, as described next, and encourage people in your support system to do the same. It will save you a lot of wasted time and energy to be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

Do You Need to Respond?

Much of hostile mail does not need a response. Letters from exes, angry neighbors, irritating coworkers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

Some letters and e-mails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process—or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. If so, use a BIFF response.

[Isa_lala]

Thank you Turkish

It is unbelievable how worth is this website.

I will check what the link says

However, for the moment, the text messages I receive are more miserable. He is desperate as he hasn't seen it coming

That s why I feel very bad not to not respond to him.

[C.Stein]

Isa, he deserves a response IMO.  While it may be hard to empathize right now but I think in the long run you will be glad you did it.  Stick to your guns and don't get emotional.  A BIFF response might also help mitigate any blow back.

[Isa_lala]

What is a IMO response?

[thisworld]

IMO is short for "In my opinion Isa_lala.

[Isa_lala]

Ok, sorry for that.

I will try to see him in a public place tomorrow morning after dropping my son at school or at least to speak on the phone.

And I will have to find another place to live, here, it is too noisy, it is unbelievable. A chance my son has a strong sleep.

I need a place where I will feel good while we sort the things out with my bf.

[Isa_lala]

He doesn't stop begging me to let us another chance

[fromheeltoheal]

He doesn't stop begging me to let us another chance

He's feeling abandoned, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, so he's panicking with emotions he can't soothe and in "pull" mode.  This is a test of your resolve Isa, and as you say, he's not a monster and there were some things you needed to say to him, either with a letter that you were going to leave, a text or email, on the phone, or in person, and it's best to say those things one way or the other because you say it's right, and then just don't communicate with him for a while, if at all.  A relationship with a borderline is unstable anyway, and at the end, as things are breaking down, it gets very unstable, so it's up to you to focus on you and your son's future and move away from the relationship, physically, which you've already done, and now emotionally.

How was your first night with your son in your new place?

[Isa_lala]

Thank you

The first night was awful for me. It was harder for my son to get asleep but it seems that he has slept well.

The place is very noisy and not comfortable

I will try to find another place.

I am very anxious with all of this. But I know that I must continue on this path so I try to be strong

I see my doctor tomorrow and will ask for medicine for

Anxiety and depression

I may ask a week or 2 off from work (sick leave ) even if I don't feel comfortable in this apartment.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's important to take care of yourself very well right now, something you may not have done in the relationship, and getting enough sleep, eating right, keeping outside stress to the minimum, will all help.  I'm sorry your new place is loud, and remember why you are there and how this is a move in the right direction, and your relationship with your son will change now that you've removed your ex from the dynamic.  That's a good thing, as you build a life together again; how can the two of you make the best of your new place and have some fun there together?  Might as well enjoy it, and it may help to invite folks you are close to over there to give it some life and turn it into a home for however long you're there, yes?

[Penelope35]

Isa it was expected that he would react like that wasnt it? It is also expected that you may start having second thoughts due to guilt or other emotions he may be illiciting. Remember FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. But try to focus on the reasons you have taken the decision to leave. You did your best and that was a cconscious decision of yours.

[Isa_lala]

I totally agree with both of you

Yes, he tries to make me feel guilty. He even sent me a picture of our 2 boys taken last Xmas

For the moment, the anger I expected has not came yet. It will come when he will understand that I am not coming back

I may write another email for him to understand that there won't be other chances, that we are not getting back together and I may cut the contact for a few days.

Then the anger will come

[Isa_lala]

Should I send him an email or

Should I talk to him on the phone? What could be the most efficient way ?