I need help: the break-up discussion is coming very soon

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Should I send him an email or

Should I talk to him on the phone? What could be the most efficient way ?

[/quotes]

Think in terms of what will affect you thr least. If hearing him will cause you more anxiety then go with the email. He is probably not in a position to discuss anything so maybe email is a better choice?

[Penelope35]

Should I send him an email or

Should I talk to him on the phone? What could be the most efficient way ?

[/quotes]

Think in terms of what will affect you thr least. If hearing him will cause you more anxiety then go with the email. He is probably not in a position to discuss anything so maybe email is a better choice?

[fromheeltoheal]

Should I send him an email or

Should I talk to him on the phone? What could be the most efficient way ?

It depends on how confident you are that you can stay grounded when he's dysregulating.  If you can see him in person or talk to him on the phone and hold your ground regardless of what he throws at you, then do that, but if not, you can still get your point across in writing, better actually because you can say what you need to say without being interrupted or getting involved in an emotional conversation.  It's best to focus on what's best for you and your son and act accordingly, since guilt may creep in if you let it.

[Isa_lala]

I guess I am getting emotionally overwhelmed

I will definitely ask a sick leave to my doctor tomorrow.

I cannot even think. I am glad you are here to give me advice

[thisworld]

Isa_lala hi,

E-mail is more effective in two ways: Brief/Informative/friendly is easier in writing for many of us at this stage and e-mail is proof for future needs.  

Is it possible for you to share with us what you wrote to him in the first e-mail? Have you stated any boundaries there or mentioned anything about who contacts who, when and about what?  

What would you like to communicate in this mail and why? (To influence his emotions or reactions or to state what you will or will not do?)

Also, as a side note, I think it's important not to react immediately when they write most aggressively, frequently  etc because this may give the message: "When I insist, she writes." So, he may start insisting. My T advised me to write not when his emotions were very high but when I got a little window . That way, you are not reacting but being pro-active (in your little way). Otherwise, your e-mail may be associated with rescuing and he may want more of it. Maybe you can speak to your counselor about this and take note of their advice - maybe your T recommends a different method. Every relationship and person is different.

We also need to accept one thing: We too want to control the situation with our reactions (like him). When we are not on the same page emotionally with our partner, this produces anxiety. We need to take control of our boundaries, what we can do and what is not for us to solve and then learn to get comfortable in those boundaries (tolerate anxiety but be wise and safe).

Best,    

[Suzn]

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