Abusive step sister

[sindoren]

Hi, I'm new here.

I have two step-siblings, 18 year old sister and 17 year old brother, and I'm 32.  My parents are divorced, and my siblings live with my mother.  I live about three hours away, and come to town for visits.

I've been suspecting my sister has some sort of personality disorder, who has seen psychologists and have gone for a week in rehab (I guess you could call it that?) but have not been formally diagnosed.  I suppose I'll back up a little bit to go over her history, and how abusive she has been toward our family.

Growing up, her outbursts were typical, but always had step-dad around to keep us all in check.  After our parents separated and decided to share 50/50 custody, my sister decided to live with my mother full time.  She started drinking and smoking weed when she hit her teens, with her outbursts becoming more violent.  We attributed this to teenager hormones and tried to deal with her behavior for a while, but it has been escalating each passing year.

Last year, she has broken doors off door frames due to slamming doors, put holes in the walls and tried to harm herself.  This happens when my mother asserts herself, or says no to something my sister wants or when they get into a disagreement.  There has been so many incidents, that it's hard for me to type it all down - but I think you get the gist.

It came to a head last year when she attacked my mother when my boyfriend and I was visiting.  We had to call the police and she got taken away.  My mother did not decide to press charges as she was still a minor at the time, but decided to put her into rehab to address her doing drugs and her behavior.  Well, my sister ended up getting a court appointed lawyer and submitted demands that she didn't need to be in there.

I don't know exactly what happened, but she was supposed to be in there for a week, and got out earlier.  Since then, she has dropped out of high school (grade 11) and insists that she hates living at home and blames everything on us.  She will ask for money from my mother or throw tantrums if she doesn't get money.  She'd get money that day then want more the next day, even if she has an agreement with my mother to spend the money wisely over the next few days.  It's become like a vicious cycle, she gets money and doesn't spend it on things she got money for, and has a breakdown the next day when she has no money.

We also know she spends all the money on weed, which is why my mother has been trying to give money in other forms like gift cards to the grocery store instead.  But she loses her mind when she runs out of weed, and will destroy property or become violent if my mother refuses to give her money for weed.  So she usually gives in and just gives it to her to get peace of mind.  I am so worried about my mother because she is getting older, and should be enjoying her retirement now.

Last week, we had to go to a funeral.  The morning of the funeral, my sister had a rage and we almost didn't go because my mother was afraid she would destroy her house while we were gone (this has happened in the past, when we need to leave the house to get away, she destroys things).  She was saying how she wanted to kill herself etc, but somehow my mother managed to get her to clean up and we went to the funeral.  She recently got her learners license, and started bugging my mother to let her drive on the highway.  I said no, because of her behavior that morning - if she was suicidal, I did not want to let her drive my car with my whole family in the car.

She lost it and jumped out of the car.  I tried to explain that it didn't make sense to put our lives in her hands when she couldn't value her own life. She came back to the car, sat behind me and tried to hit me.  Luckily my brother held her back and we waited until she calmed down enough until we could go home.  As soon as we got home, I grabbed my cats and went to my room because I was afraid of her.

Two nights ago, I was in town to help my mom finish her house.  She had been trying to renovate the house to sell it and naturally, my sister has been making that very difficult with her destructive behavior.  That morning, before I left to go home, I walked by my sister sucking on her huge glass bong that she loves to take everywhere with her (ugh).

I left for home that day, and got some text messages from my mother later that night saying that my sister is having problems.  I didn't press for details, because I had heard it all, and could only lend my sympathies.  Well, the next day, a friend of my mother texted me what happened.

My sister, for some reason, decided to sell her bong after receiving at least $200 from my mother and started hassling my mother to drive her so she could buy a new bong.  I guess the same night she also dumped her stoner boyfriend, and decided she needed a new bong.  It was 7:30pm at night, so my mother said no, of course.  Well, my sister apparently went into a rage and started banging her head on the walls, pulling hair out of her own head, and slammed doors so hard that the walls got holes from the knobs.  Broke the cabinets in her bathroom.  She stormed out with even more money from my mother and took the bus to get her bong after she said she was going to kill herself.

I am just at my wit's end.  My poor mother.  I don't know what to do, and how I can help my mother.  I've said time to time that my mother needs to kick my sister out.  My sister insists she hates living at home, and now that she is 18, no one is stopping her from leaving.  On the contrary, it'd be ideal if she could move out, but she gets stuck since she is a high school drop out without a job, and has to come back to my mother for money.  It's one of the many cycles I see happening.

I also have difficulty talking to my mother about these issues.  Whenever I bring up my sister's behaviors and say that my mother should not tolerate that, she says that I was "like that when I was a teenager".  But I never did drugs and was never violent towards anyone in my family.  I didn't break things or claim I wanted to kill myself whenever I didn't get what I wanted.  There is a huge difference between my sister and I, but somehow in my mother's mind, my sister's behaviors justifies her forgiveness and tolerance.  So I don't say much now, and just give support to my mother when my sister has her episodes.

It's gotten to the point where I can't stand being around my sister, because she is so abusive towards all of us.  I won't live with her either, because she steals my things and flips out when I get upset.  I can't trust her at all, and it hurts me it's gotten to this point.  Why can't she understand that she has it good right now?

All she had to do was go to school, help with chores around the house and follow a curfew.  But now that she's an adult... .  I'm not sure what to do.  After what happened with the funeral and her most recent episode, I feel compelled to go to the police.  My mother keeps having to fix her house that she's been trying to sell, and my sister has been destroying her house.  My mother just keeps giving in and letting her come back... .  she even brings a bunch of friends over after "moving out" and has zero respect for my mother.

I don't know if this means my sister has a personality disorder, but her thinking is SO illogical.  She wavers between complete love and hate.  We never know what she'll be like each day, and I worry so much about my mother.  She's been having back problems, and is likely going to need surgery -  my sister has said that she thinks my mother is faking her health problems.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I don't really know what I can do as the step sister, and the daughter of my mother.  I am afraid it's going to escalate to the point where she could one day decide to seriously harm my mother.  I haven't even mentioned my brother at all, while he is a good kid, he does have issues because of my sister.  He's really not bad compared to my sister but my sister is the one we cannot handle anymore.

[claudiaduffy]

But now that she's an adult... .  I'm not sure what to do.  After what happened with the funeral and her most recent episode, I feel compelled to go to the police. 

... .

I am afraid it's going to escalate to the point where she could one day decide to seriously harm my mother.  I haven't even mentioned my brother at all, while he is a good kid, he does have issues because of my sister. 

The behaviors you've described sound violent enough that I think your instincts here are right. Your mother choosing to live with your stepsister's abuse is one thing - your stepbrother having to live with it, as a minor, is another. Getting the authorities involved is not inherently a betrayal of family, and it is not necessarily an unloving action, either.

[sindoren]

The behaviors you've described sound violent enough that I think your instincts here are right. Your mother choosing to live with your stepsister's abuse is one thing - your stepbrother having to live with it, as a minor, is another. Getting the authorities involved is not inherently a betrayal of family, and it is not necessarily an unloving action, either.

So I should go to the police? What can they really do since I'm just the sister? The last few times the police got involved, my sister accused my parents of being abusive.   I'm especially afraid of my mother getting into trouble for giving her money for drugs.  At least my sister is now 18, but I think my mother can still get into trouble for intent to distribute.

Two years ago, she claimed that her step dad assaulted her when it was her who assaulted him prior to calling the police.  My step dad nearly got charged for it.  She is very manipulative and I have no doubt that will happen if I get authorities involved.

Should I start keeping records?

[claudiaduffy]

So I should go to the police? What can they really do since I'm just the sister? The last few times the police got involved, my sister accused my parents of being abusive.   I'm especially afraid of my mother getting into trouble for giving her money for drugs.  At least my sister is now 18, but I think my mother can still get into trouble for intent to distribute.

Two years ago, she claimed that her step dad assaulted her when it was her who assaulted him prior to calling the police.  My step dad nearly got charged for it.  She is very manipulative and I have no doubt that will happen if I get authorities involved.

Should I start keeping records?

I'm really careful with "shoulds." Like you point out, any action you take here may have very deep and lasting repercussions; and besides the fact that there is no guarantee that trying to get outside help won't backfire, you also might need to take a close look at your expectations and how you define your own obligations here. Because you're not going to be able to outright save the situation, no matter how well things go or what you decide to do or who gets involved.

In your situation, I might try to focus on deciding whether to interfere on behalf of your brother, since he is the only non-legal-adult in the situation. The rest of them all have the legal standing to act, and react, as they see fit, but he doesn't yet.

[sindoren]

I'm really careful with "shoulds." Like you point out, any action you take here may have very deep and lasting repercussions; and besides the fact that there is no guarantee that trying to get outside help won't backfire, you also might need to take a close look at your expectations and how you define your own obligations here. Because you're not going to be able to outright save the situation, no matter how well things go or what you decide to do or who gets involved.

In your situation, I might try to focus on deciding whether to interfere on behalf of your brother, since he is the only non-legal-adult in the situation. The rest of them all have the legal standing to act, and react, as they see fit, but he doesn't yet.

I understand that.  That's why I'm here, to figure out what my role should be in all of this.  I've been trying to let my mother be the parent.  It's hard for me to stand back, and do nothing.

My brother seems to waver between my sister and my mother.  When my mother decided to put my sister in the hospital, he didn't believe my sister should be in there. He's your typical teenager who will of course have growing pains - I remember those when I was a teenager!  The situation seems to be manageable with him for my mother though, and she is looking after him undoubtedly.  He isn't violent and doesn't do the things my sister does.

Perhaps it's for the best I stay out of it because my brother seems to be alright despite everything, and it's his decision to live with my mother instead of my step-dad.  But I don't know what to say to my mother anymore when she cries how awful my sister is being and how she wishes she knew what was wrong with her.  I probably won't get the authorities involved, but I sure won't continue saying this is ok.