I am so broken up

[dexman]

I need help getting over the one person that I felt that I truly loved and I don't know where to to turn.  I am at the point I feel like I am going to self destruct.  I have lost 20 pounds and I don't eat, I don't sleep and when I do sleep I dream about her just wake up and can't go back to sleep again.  I have an appointment to see someone next week.  I have talked to people that I know but it never takes the pain away that I feel inside.  I can now see how someone would hurt themselves in order to equalize the pain they feel inside.  I don't know what to do because I can rationally tell myself she was no good for me but the emotional side is what keeps beating me down.  I can't seem to make the bad times out weigh the good.

[Tobiasfunke]

Right there with you dexman. Claycrusher is a member on here and he framed it the best. If you are in a r/s with pwBPD they will hurt you. They will devalue and discard you. They will not appreciate any sacrifice or act of kindness you provide them. Look at this situation as a bullet dodged and move on under your terms and find happiness with someone who will truely appreciate and cherish you. I don't know your situation with your ex like kids or financial obligations but the sooner you can distance your self and minimize or cut off contact the better. It's about the only thing that's helped me move on and heal.

[steelwork]

I need help getting over the one person that I felt that I truly loved and I don't know where to to turn.  I am at the point I feel like I am going to self destruct.  I have lost 20 pounds and I don't eat, I don't sleep and when I do sleep I dream about her just wake up and can't go back to sleep again.  I have an appointment to see someone next week.  I have talked to people that I know but it never takes the pain away that I feel inside.  I can now see how someone would hurt themselves in order to equalize the pain they feel inside.  I don't know what to do because I can rationally tell myself she was no good for me but the emotional side is what keeps beating me down.  I can't seem to make the bad times out weigh the good.

I'm so sorry. You're in the trough now, it sounds like. Many of us have been there. Know that you aren't alone. We understand.

I'll make a gentle suggestion, and I'm talking to myself as well as to you: Trying to make the bad outweigh the good may not be a winning strategy. This is grieving, not math.

My T suggested yesterday that maybe my grief and longing respond to being ignored by yelling louder.

Does that make sense?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey dexman, Sorry to hear that you are in pain.  What makes you think that your Ex has BPD?  Assuming she does, it's my view that most BPD relationships are not built to last.  The price is too high.  So you are in good company.  Many of us have been in your shoes.  It hurts, no doubt, but it's part of the journey towards greater happiness.  Best thing you can do, in my view, is to start by taking good care of yourself.  Suggest you treat yourself with love and compassion.  That's a good place to start.

LuckyJim

[Scopikaz]

How long ago did it end. How long were you together?

Hang in there. I've been there too and sort of still am.

[Driver]

Dexman, hang in there.

Just a quick question. Did you have a happy childhood?

[Rmbrworst]

Did this happen recently?  If so you are going to go through a very rough grieving period.  Leit happen and release your emotions.

I used to cry buckets of tears daily. I couldn't eat.  I would throw up from the heartbreak.  I couldn't function.  

That was 7 weeks ago or so.  Now I'm still upset and I have a dull ache that follows me, but I can get through each day with zero tears and I'm starting therapy next week.

Let the emotions come out and don't hate yourself for the pain you're going through.  I will always love my exBPD, but in time you will realize the relationship was a one way street.  Accepting that is hard and it's not something you need to accept right away.

You're not alone

[troisette]

Sympathies dexman, breaking up with a BPD is hell. No other word for it. I lost the whole of last summer, completely floored. Your description matches what I felt. I'd never experienced anything like it - so you are not alone and people here will understand the level of your pain.

The upside is that it does get better - even if you can't imagine that right now. Please try to believe that and keep the faith.

I recommend no contact. My relationship broke down in May last year, push/pull for some months. A summer of agony. I went no contact in September and it definitely helps regain perspective and gives healing time. I feel much better after five months, little by little.

Although you probably can't believe it in the here and now, in the long term many people who have an exBPD consider that they gave them a gift: of self-understanding - why they were attracted and the ability to recognise and avoid BPDs in the future.

Good luck with your T, it may sound ridiculous right now, but you are at the start of a difficult but ultimately rewarding journey. 

[dexman]

Sorry I really don't know how to use the message board very well and I wish I could respond to all of your post individually.  She is not diagnosed and refuses to see someone even a therapist but has many of the traits that match it.  The only one that I haven't seen is the suicide side of it.  I did have a happy childhood however she did not.  This all started back before Thanksgiving when she started pushing me away again, but this time it was different.  It has lasted since then where it progressed to making no contact and breaking up with me up until just yesterday where she is back to her "you are such a kind and wonderful man" and "I am such a horrible toxic person" crap when she is wanting to come back.  Where as just a few months ago I didn't do anything wrong and she brings up something that happened a year ago and says she can't forgive me and that I am such a horrible person.  Like that is her way of apologizing for all the heartache she has put me through.  The worst part was that I was starting to feel better and I was taking care of myself.  I don't know what to do with her because I feel like she is the one person that I really ever felt a connection with.  But at the same time I don't think I can do this over again.  I really appreciate all of your comments and encouragements.  It does help that there are other people that have gone through all the same things.  I have been worried sick for months and it nearly destroyed me.  The one thing that saved me is that last week my sister noticed I wasn't ok and spent the weekend with me and has been a huge support.  Everyone I know that knows her says she has huge issues and to get away from her, but at the same time I have seen the side of her that they don't.  I just don't know if that is me being naive and I don't know if I am feeling better because I have had contact with her and it is just a false sense of moving forward. 

[Driver]

Sorry I really don't know how to use the message board very well and I wish I could respond to all of your post individually.  She is not diagnosed and refuses to see someone even a therapist but has many of the traits that match it.  The only one that I haven't seen is the suicide side of it.  I did have a happy childhood however she did not.  This all started back before Thanksgiving when she started pushing me away again, but this time it was different.  It has lasted since then where it progressed to making no contact and breaking up with me up until just yesterday where she is back to her "you are such a kind and wonderful man" and "I am such a horrible toxic person" crap when she is wanting to come back.  Where as just a few months ago I didn't do anything wrong and she brings up something that happened a year ago and says she can't forgive me and that I am such a horrible person.  Like that is her way of apologizing for all the heartache she has put me through.  The worst part was that I was starting to feel better and I was taking care of myself.  I don't know what to do with her because I feel like she is the one person that I really ever felt a connection with.  But at the same time I don't think I can do this over again.  I really appreciate all of your comments and encouragements.  It does help that there are other people that have gone through all the same things.  I have been worried sick for months and it nearly destroyed me.  The one thing that saved me is that last week my sister noticed I wasn't ok and spent the weekend with me and has been a huge support.  Everyone I know that knows her says she has huge issues and to get away from her, but at the same time I have seen the side of her that they don't.  I just don't know if that is me being naive and I don't know if I am feeling better because I have had contact with her and it is just a false sense of moving forward. 

Hi Dexman, welcome back.

It is good that your sister was there for you. Use all the support you can, because in such difficult moments it is important that you be surrounded by people with whom you get on well.

The special connection you're refering to, we had all felt it when we were with our exBPDgf/bf. That's why it is extremely hard to detach oneself from them. Hence this board actually. The reason why it's hard to detach oneself from them is because unfortunately our loved ones with BPD mirror us. They incarnate the one we've always longed to be with. But in reality, it is their sickness doing it. In reality, it is not their real themselves. The sad thing is we'll never know who they really are. They too are confused and are wondering who they really are. It's heartbreaking, but most of the time they feel empty or invisible and often copy personalities of other people (chameleon effect). They don't do it on purpose of course, it's their sickness.

Now, the reason why I asked you if you had a happy childhood is because it can sometimes help you to overcome some difficult situations in your life. I know it works for me, so it might work for you too.

Simply try to think of the happy moments when you were a child. Try to see the world through the eyes of the inner child in you. Think of the simple things that used to make you happy. Think of the things that you wanted to achieve. Think of the things you dreamed of. Go back to basics. Think if the adult in you wants to make the child in you suffer or if you'll do the right decisions to go on with your life and make the best of it to make that child in you happy. What would the child in you say to the adult in you who's dating such a woman, especially when you see that nothing seems can help her? Thinking about all this is already a step towards the detachment. It will take some time, but try to stay focused thinking about it with the happy inner child in you.

In a nutshell, only from within your healthy self you can overcome such a difficult situation, forget drugs, pills, alcohol and other exterior things. They can only be used as instant painkillers but never in the long term. So, work from within yourself. There is a whole world inthere upon which you have built yourself. Don't make it collapse, strengthen it even more.

[dexman]

It is funny that you say "They too are confused and are wondering who they really are."  One of the last things she has said to me was "I really do miss you and Us.  I don't know who I am most days." and that she "tried a meditation of being authentic".  She has told me in the past that she didn't think she could be the person that I needed and I never understood what that meant because to me she was everything that I needed and wanted.  All I ever wanted was for her to be herself or what I thought was herself.  That is an interesting concept when you think about how they are just mimicking what someone else wants.  It is almost like she is on the brink of breaking through that thought pattern because she realizes that she has something wrong and that she is not the person she thinks she is.  As much as I want to hate her I can't.  It is like hating someone with cancer it isn't her fault she is like this.  The hard part is that I don't know if this time that she where she has pushed away was for her to try and regain balance she needed or if it was to be with another person.  I don't know if I can trust her.  If it was to take time and space to get away from the stress she felt I could understand that and could be with her.  But if it was to be with another person I don't think I could continue to be with a person that could do that to me over and over in the future.