First MC is two Monday's from now, decisions about how I will approach this

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

First 15 years of marriage.  I would say it was pretty even.  We would work stuff out...  

Then there were several years of her getting basically everything she wanted, I was being advised to be compassionate to her.  In reality, I fed the monster.

Now, if it involves me, something I control.  I "win" 90% of the time (or more). 

Basically, if she asks I will consider it.  I don't do what I am told.

FF

Yup. You've changed things, and she doesn't like it, and is fighting it. And that dynamic is very real and very important, regardless of what theology justifies what side of it.

If I get it right, you are talking about 90% of the time you make your own choices for YOURSELF.

When the two of you have a conflict about say, what is done with the kids, or other things that really are joint decisions, that seems to still skew strongly in her direction... .but not as much as it used to either.

And I'm guessing you don't even THINK of telling her what to do with her time, even now!

Remember... .her feelings drive facts and theology, and everything else... .and she is feeling this change.

[Grey Kitty]

First 15 years of marriage.  I would say it was pretty even.  We would work stuff out...  

Then there were several years of her getting basically everything she wanted, I was being advised to be compassionate to her.  In reality, I fed the monster.

Now, if it involves me, something I control.  I "win" 90% of the time (or more). 

Basically, if she asks I will consider it.  I don't do what I am told.

FF

Yup. You've changed things, and she doesn't like it, and is fighting it. And that dynamic is very real and very important, regardless of what theology justifies what side of it.

If I get it right, you are talking about 90% of the time you make your own choices for YOURSELF.

When the two of you have a conflict about say, what is done with the kids, or other things that really are joint decisions, that seems to still skew strongly in her direction... .but not as much as it used to either.

And I'm guessing you don't even THINK of telling her what to do with her time, even now!

Remember... .her feelings drive facts and theology, and everything else... .and she is feeling this change.

[formflier]

If I get it right, you are talking about 90% of the time you make your own choices for YOURSELF.

Correct! 

For instance.  She "mentioned" that it would be cool to do ballroom dancing class.  I said yes, but I was clear that I wanted input on a schedule time that worked for us both, but that I loved the idea.  Again, crystal clarity that idea is great but no commitment to anything specific.

While I was gone on my trip apparently she signed us up for a class and had S13 stand in for me on the first class. 

She informed me tonight that out next class was this coming Tuesday.  If you see my other thread about tonight, there is big tension, so I didn't engage on this issue tonight.

But, again, big picture.  I don't do what my wife tells me to do, period.  OK, once or twice I have gone fishing after being told, but, well, that is special case.

She will flip and flop and holler, I will let he know I look forward to finding something that works for us both.

Sigh,

FF

[empath]

Regardless of the reasons,  becoming less codependent "feels" like abandonment to pwBPD. They believe that it the road to divorce - if a person begins to assert their personhood, even if the PWBPD is the one doing the pushing and indicating they want or are afraid of divorce.  Also, their definition of love is to make them feel secure.  You are changing the dance, so you must be doing something wrong (committing some sin).

Going defcon on Mrs ff during the first session is probably going to result in her doubling down on her position.  Are there things you would like to see addressed that would help to bring you off the ledge, then work on the cooperation issues from a "safer feeling" place?

[Suzn]

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