Gone Girl

[flourdust]

My wife packed a suitcase and left town Monday. She's staying with her mother. I'm taking care of D10.

Her mother and best friend are trying to work with her to see reality and come up with a plan for what to do next -- whether it's being committed to an inpatient facility, planning a separation, divorce, whatever.

I've reached out to an attorney I had interviewed and started the process to retain him and make a divorce settlement offer myself. I expect to have all the paperwork organized and ready early next week. I'm not sure if I'll get any kind of proposal or offer from my wife before then, despite the best intentions of her mother and friend.

It looks like things are coming to a conclusion.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry flourdust, but it seems like it's drawing to the inevitable conclusion.   

You've done everything you can and though it's sad for your daughter, in the long run it will be much less stressful. It sounds like you've got all your ducks in a row. Best of luck.   

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm so sorry. Do you want things to still work out, or are you just done trying? Is there any offer she could make that would make a difference to you? I made a TON of concessions when BPDh and I got back together, and I'm the non! Of course, he eventually agreed to DBT, but that was after a whole lot more chaos and after he threw my son out, and generally got written off by his kids. After I'd made all those concessions, and he then went on to act so awful, I was really questioning myself.

I think pwBPD sometimes feel extreme need to exert control, and even when they get it, they aren't happy. I also think they make promises that unless they are in therapy, or really high functioning, they are just incapable of keeping. They may mean it when they promise it, but then they go back to doing what they've always done.

How are you doing? I hope you are taking care of yourself during this hard time. I know when BPDh walked out, I felt hurt, angry, sad, and like I'd been through the wringer, so I was baffled as to why he walked out(I think he saw I was getting better, and trying to have boundaries, and he didn't like it). I often think that the healthier we get, the more likely pwBPD is to want out.

[flourdust]

Thanks, Cat Familiar & Ceruleanblue.

I'm doing OK, on the surface. Wife did so very little around the house that other than having to arrange to take care of D10 after school, there's very little impact on day-to-day routine. It even makes things a little easier in that there are fewer dishes to wash, less clutter to pick up, and DEFINITELY much more peace around the house. I don't have to tiptoe around the house hoping not to set her off.

A little more long term -- my brain knows that the smart thing to do is to just charge forward and get this divorce done. My brain and heart also know that when this happens, it's going to be really hard on D10, even though she kind of knows it's coming ... .and I really ache for her and want to put off that pain as long as I can. And part of me dreads having to make the hard choices that divorce will bring -- the loss of finances, the possible loss of my dream house, closing the door on whatever echoes of a partnership still remained in our marriage -- so I may be dragging my feet a bit in an effort to keep from actualizing these losses.

But I know I need to move forward and get this done.

I really doubt she could make any offer that would tempt me much. I haven't seen ANYthing in months and months that would suggest she takes any ownership of the problems and feels any empathy at all for what she's put me through. Without that, there's no possibility of reconciliation at all.

[Cat Familiar]

That's tough, flourdust. That they can so lack empathy is maddening! But that does seem to be the nature of the disorder.

You seem like such a self aware, intelligent, nice and compassionate guy. I have single friends who'd kill for a guy like that. So your future may be bright once you get through this. I'm very sorry for both you and your daughter. It's really a drag that your wife and her mother cannot be the person you hoped she would be.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I can see where there wouldn't be any reason for you to want to stay if she isn't going to take any ownership for her actions. I basically reconciled with BPDh, and he wasn't taking much ownership, and I had to make all the concessions. I had a few boundaries, but I still had to agree to his bogus terms, and for a while he got much worse. I actually think he decided to seek help because his kids cut him off. I don't think it had anything to do with his actions that have helped blow up two marriages.

I'm all for people staying if things can be worked out, but if your wife isn't even willing to work on things, the life you've lived with her, will be the one you continue to live.

For a while after we reconciled, things got better, but lately he's gone haywire again. If there isn't chaos, he creates it.

You now have a chance for a lot more peace in your life, and for your daughter as well.

[believer55]

Good luck FD. Making the decision can be the hardest part. It sounds like you have had enough. Your d will manage. In my position I worry bout my D14 who already has anxiety and now hears her stepdad rage at me when he dysregulates. You will be protecting your daughter from that and showing that there are healthy choices to make in a relationship. I am trying to make decisions for me that are healthy. Best of luck to you.

[Cat Familiar]

When I was about six, my BPD mother asked me who I would live with when they divorced. Then no divorce.

It's hard to say, but it might have been a healthier environment for me to grow up in if they actually had divorced. Seeing her coldness to my dad when he tried to hug her and she pushed him away was not good role modeling for me. And hearing her complaints about him and being triangulated in their relationship and trying to be the peacemaker was not a role a young child should have.

My dad, to his credit, tried his best to protect me and keep me out of harm's way. But when myBPD mother dysregulated, there wasn't much he could do. Over time, he just checked out and stuck his nose in the newspaper or a book. It was really sad for him, looking back on it now.

[formflier]

 

Hang in there man! 

Remember, it's not over until it is final.  Who knows what may or may not trigger a change.

I think the key for you is to keep going towards something healthy for you and your daughter.

FF

[flourdust]

So, she got in touch with me with a separation offer. It's basically a non-legal contract that says she's going to move out and live somewhere else, she'll take care of D10 after school and alternate weekends, and we'll continue to both spend my money share finances and attend counseling.

Hmm. I'm tempted to agree for a month. I could use a little more time to get my ducks in a row, and I like that this eases into a living routine where she is out of the house and D10 has me as primary parent.

[Turkish]

Do you think that she is a flight risk with your daughter?

I can kind of validate where you are coming from. By being centered, but working on myself behind the scenes (ducks in a row, as you say, including keeping a daily journal to note dates, times, events), I was able to lead my Ex where I wanted her to go. It wasn months after she moved out, and we shared de facto joint custody, that I finally served her the custody papers.

[flourdust]

Do you think that she is a flight risk with your daughter?

I can kind of validate where you are coming from. By being centered, but working on myself behind the scenes (ducks in a row, as you say, including keeping a daily journal to note dates, times, events), I was able to lead my Ex where I wanted her to go. It wasn months after she moved out, and we shared de facto joint custody, that I finally served her the custody papers.

I don't think she's a flight risk. She really doesn't have anywhere to go, except her mother's, which would be a safe environment. If she was going to flee with D10, she could have done so last week, when she DID leave the state suddenly.

My thinking is similar to yours. I've been worried about how to start the divorce process without it blowing up in my face. I figured I'd have to make arrangements to get her out of the house without her finding out, so that I could have the divorce discussion and have a place for her to go so she wouldn't return home in an incredibly dysregulated/abandoned state. If she's going to get her own place already, and she's going to start getting D10 used to a routine of us living apart ... .I think that can work to everyone's benefit.

[flourdust]

Valentine's Day, 2016:

I wish humor was enough.

I got up, had a shower, fed D10 and myself breakfast. I heard BPDwife come out of her bedroom. I found her in the kitchen staring blankly into the refrigerator. I said good morning. She didn't respond. I said something about having breakfast, and she started challenging me for confusing her, for not addressing other issues, for not answering questions about our relationship. I tried to suggest she eat, offered to make her something, tried to extricate myself -- eventually, I had to go upstairs with her screaming after me. She pursued me -- followed me into my office and began ranting at me. I asked her to leave me alone, and she wouldn't. I started making preparations to leave the house. She went into D10's room and began crying to her about how awful I am. I tried to get her to leave D10 alone. She screamed profanities at me. She came back into my office and I lost my temper - called her names. She wanted to know why we were together, and I said I didn't know. She said I should leave. I said if she wanted to, she could leave. She said, "Write me a check, and I will." I said "fine."

She finally retreated from the area after quite a bit more of this. I persuaded D10 to get dressed and leave the house with me. We went to the mall and I kept her amused there. Meanwhile, BPDwife decided to leave. With the help of her mother, she got a plane ticket, and she's leaving the state tomorrow. I stayed absolutely neutral on all of this. She kept sending me texts demanding to know in writing when I said she had to be out of the house. I said that I  am not insisting she move out, but if she decides to, I support that decision.

Later, D10 and I came home. I ordered a pizza for dinner. I texted BPDwife to tell her pizza was coming. She demanded to know what that meant, if she was allowed to have pizza, what rules I was putting in place around pizza... .sigh. This is her typical mode of interaction. When the pizza came, I took some slices down to the basement to eat by myself. I let D10 and BPDwife spend the evening together.

D10 is distraught. But I think this is for the best. If she actually gets out of the house, I'm going to be forced to make some child care arrangements and reorganize things so that D10 and I can get along without her. I'll start official divorce proceedings, too. I was about 80% ready to do it, and she's forced my hand.

Happy Valentine's Day!

It's a year later.

BPDw never returned to the home. She found an apartment nearby. We began a separation that February, which turned into a divorce when I filed in June. Mediation failed, we went to court in September, and the court-ordered custody evaluation is happening now.

My life ... .is so much better. I am calm, relaxed, and generally happy. I'm enjoying work, my time with D11, and some socializing with friends and a new club I joined. No dating or romance -- it's something I've imposed a moratorium on to give myself time to heal and to learn who I want to be in this new phase.

D11 is doing better. She's with me about 75% of the time. She's sad about the divorce, but the feelings have some distance to them, compared to the constant anxiety and fear when the house was a war zone. She mostly acts like a normal tween, and we get along really well.

BPDw is not doing so great. She's still in her DBT program, as far as I can tell, though I don't know why. She's been in it for two years. I think she enjoys the socialization aspect of group therapy, getting to play the queen of the group. Her apartment is a pigsty. She refuses to look for work. She's often in emotional meltdown, and sometimes this spills over into her time with D11. They "fight" a lot, and BPDw often starts it or escalates it. I'm still documenting this for the custody evaluator.

Co-parenting with BPDw is a challenge. Even restricting communications to OFW, she's prickly and argumentative, and her attorney enables her. She can't agree on anything, even stuff that would help her, like having a set holiday schedule.

I'd like to have the divorce settled, so that terms are finalized and not up for debate. Otherwise, I don't have much to complain about.

I'm spending Valentine's Day alone. Best V-Day in years! 

[formflier]

Flourdust,


   

Good stuff!  FF says go buy yourself a big box of chocolates... .just for you!

Also... .it's good to get to know each other.  The point in your story where I laughed outloud as when your ex was demanding to know the rules for eating pizza.

We all know that had you given her the rules... .she would have been a drama queen... .accepted the rules... .and then by second slice would have been tossing it in your face by breaking those rules... .with a "dare me... .I dare you to call me on it attitude... "

Likely you would have spoken to her in the wrong tone... .and she would... .of course... .had to correct you.

Happy for you man!  

FF

[flourdust]

Thank you!

Seriously, in her mind I'm the evil controlling one who will only provide pizza if she follows my directions.

In my mind, it's time to eat, here's pizza for dinner.

Good times... .

[Cat Familiar]

 if she was allowed to have pizza

I had to laugh about your pizza story. Occasionally I get the same wording from my husband. He's wondering if he's "allowed" to have or do something.

I'm thinking "How did I get elected to be the autocratic leader here? Allowed? What the heck?"

Thanks for posting that. I'm now rethinking being called "controlling." I kinda took on that mantle because I am organized and disciplined, but I don't think I put that on anyone else. None of my friends have ever said such a thing about me. In fact, most of them would probably describe me as "laid back." Interesting how one can take on a pwBPD's perception without really questioning it... .hmmm... .wonder what else I've assumed... .

[empath]

Hmm. I get the 'am I allowed' question, too.

I'm wondering how I can get my husband to leave and stay gone.

[formflier]

 but I don't think I put that on anyone else.  

You didn't... .in direct and indirect ways you were asked to control something.  You did... .your hubby then didn't want to be controlled and blamed you for not knowing better.

Shrug and hand the problem back to him... .let him know you care... .are willing to help but want to make sure you understand your request.

My wife is getting tired of my "confirming".  There is a potential for a promotion at her work... she brought it up to me in a typical odd way... .where you are not sure what to say.

I congratulated her and said something like "So... .are you wanting my opinion on whether or not you should take the promotion?"

She stammered a bit and said yes... . I didn't give my answer until she said yes.

FF