Was it my fault? I feel bad.

[maddlove]

My pwBPD (fiance live in relationship) asked her god mother to come clean the house today. She lives 2 towns away. I picked her up in the morning on the condition that she (the pwBPD), take her god mother home later on.

Important side note: She (pwBPD) bought a new car, was going to get it this week.

Well, on the way to take the god mother guess what happened? Some idiot rear ended her. She called me nervous and said she asked me to go with her but I didn't (as though it was my fault), and she did ask, quite a few times.

Her dad is a car painter, he'll fix it for her. But the amount of desperation she went in was so overwhelming that it made me feel guilty.

When she got home I expected the worse, I used SET and validated her almost right a way, she didn't blame me anymore, just cried and felt rage against the guy that rear ended her.

If she blames me, wouldn't she be right? Because she asked me like 4 times to go with her, but I didn't want to go, wanted to stay home and play games.

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[an0ught]

Hi maddlove,

good post 

It may be worth understanding a bit why you feel this way. There seems to be a strong desire to feel responsible for what happened beyond what is rationale. Yes, there is a chain of events but not all what leads to bad outcomes is predictable, preventable. Not all that is predictable and preventable is reasonable to predict and prevent. Not all the can be predicted and prevented is worth predicting and preventing as there is an opportunity cost to spending that effort. Etc... .

There are three directions which may be worth investigating:

- anxiety: You seem to latch on to guilt. Fear can make one do that.

- childhood, patterns and roles in your family back then.

- boundaries. With a proper set of boundaries your sense for what you feel responsible and for what not will be greatly improved.

Last but not least: You handled the situation well  Validating her and calming her down. Used SET. You took the right tool, applied it in the right way at the right time. There was a drama and you were the rock on which she leaned. Celebrate it. These sort of smaller external dramas help a lot making the relationship stronger in a healthy way as they let you experience each other as true partners.

If she blames me, wouldn't she be right? Because she asked me like 4 times to go with her, but I didn't want to go, wanted to stay home and play games.

If she blames you it will be due to her emotions coming up again. Like in the immediate situation the question is not whether she is right but how to help her to calm down. You have done it before and you can do it again. 

[Stalwart]

Hey maddlove:

I guess the real important questions is whether you think she would be right if she blamed you.

I know when my wife first got her new car she expressed the same (anxiety/fear/intimidation) at driving it when she wasn't overly familiar with it. She asked me to go out with her often in the first couple of weeks of owning it.

I know only too well she gets nervous and challenged under new situations and I figured the in town roads or hi way wasn't really a good solo experience until was more familiar with the car. Not my job to actually do anything (except secretly pray and from time try not to grab the door handle and bail).

She's a real challenge to drive with.

As time went by she was good to go on her own and felt quite confident driving it and using all the gadgets. She was ready to solo but was the rest of the world? That's a question I'll leave up to them.

We all feel a little nervous as we pull of the lot and make a left hand turn into buys traffic with a new car but for her, her insecurity is so compounded it absorbs her ability to think and make good decisions. Remember what you feel (if you feel anxiety is a fraction of what absorbs her thinking when she's anxious.)

For myself, I think I would have passed on the game and gone with her (to enjoy :-) ) It may not have stopped the rear-ending, but she wouldn't have had to face the dealings of the accident alone.

[waverider]

If you had gone or not she would still have been rear ended, you could not change that. That was not your fault

As she was on her own she may feel part guilty for it, and so by instinctively blaming you she is diverting her perceived feeling of guilt, or her perception that you may in some way blame her. By reassuring and not blaming you dealt with it appropriately, and her worse fears did not eventuate.

You felt bad because she felt bad, that is empathy, you are reacting to her emotion. If her response was 'whatever, stuff happens' would you still have felt bad?