Old emails

[steelwork]

About four months ago I went through my email and deleted everything from or to him. I did this when I found out that he'd been living with his new gf since a few weeks after he cut contact with me. I had to do it quickly without allowing myself to think too much, because I was so so so attached to those emails--the painful ones as well as the ardent or goofy or sweet ones. I'm not someone who deletes things or people, but I had an epiphany that I had to become that kind of person, at least in this case. But I'm still not really that kind of person. I didn't really regret it, and it even made me feel I had a little control back over the situation, because it was something I'd done instead of having it done to me. I found I'd memorized so many of his emails anyhow, so they weren't gone gone. It was more a symbolic slate-cleaning. But it felt like what a strong person would do.

Accidentally, while searching for something else, I discovered a log of emails in a library file. I don't know if it's all of them, but it's enough. He's all over there. I'm shaken.

[steelwork]

Oh man. And now suddenly his chat symbol turned from yellow to green for the first time in months. I'd been speculating whether he'd figured out a way to make it always yellow. It's the one place he hasn't blocked me. There it is, that green, a little window. And those emails I found the other day. And his birthday in a few weeks.

It's getting really hard again. Feelings.

[steelwork]

I should say, this is not in my main email. It's in one of my alternates. He has my chats blocked in the main email still. I could never figure out why he didn't block me here in this one back alley as well.

[steelwork]

And now it's back to yellow. It was just a little glimpse--evidence that he's still alive, I guess.

[kc sunshine]

Sending love steelwork. Oh man this process is HARD!

[steelwork]

Sending love steelwork. Oh man this process is HARD!

Thanks, man.

[bdyw8]

Stay strong steelwork!  You're not alone.  I found a sweater of my exes yesterday.  I was tempted to mail it to her but decided to trash it instead.   Also a few weeks back I found all her early love notes to me.  That one was really tough.  I tried not to read them and just tossed them out but it was extremely hard. 

I deleted all the emails too, EXCEPT the ones where I was pleading with her about her change in behaviour and was taking all the blame myself.   They were good reminders of how she manipulated me into owning everything and was taking no responsibility whatsoever.  They are good reminders of what it was like and what it would be like if I went back.

Stay strong