My thoughts on Discard / Silent Treatment / No Contact

[Rmbrworst]

In the mood to share my feelings so I'm just thinking out loud for a moment.

My exBPD was more of the introverted waif type.  His biggest form of emotional abuse (and trust me, it's emotional abuse . . . ) was to discard me suddenly and almost randomly. Then he would give me the silent treatment. 

Let me be clear.

Anybody who has the ability, to say they love you, and then later . . . at any point . . . discard you.  They do not truly love you.  Anybody who can drop you like you're nothing, and then completely ignore phone calls and text messages, when you are hurting and trying to come to grips with a break up. 

They do not truly love you.

They are not worth your time.

They are not worth your thoughts.

They are not worth you tears.

Someone who does this . . . is a narcissist.  I dont care if its BPD, Sociopath, or a full fledge Narc . . . whatever.  It's narcissistic abuse. 

A fully healthy, loving caring individual would not discard you like this.   If they wanted to break up with you, there would be a conversation.  You would talk about why it came to this and how it would be best for both parties to proceed.  If one of you needed each other, you would answer the texts, and you would pick up the phone.  Break ups between two loving adults are not teenager style "dumpings", it's a process and two loving healthy people realize it's a process.

This all sounds pretty logical and reasonable right?

But the funny thing is . . . . 2 months ago . . . when my exBPD last discarded me . . . there would be absolutely no way I would have come to these extremely obvious and elementary conclusions, unless I stuck to No Contact.  Yes, it's true, my exBPD discarded me and is still giving me the silent treatment, but that doesn't mean NC isn't important, and that it's any easier.  I am the type of person who NEEDS to talk to others to process my emotions.  I need to be able to talk to my friends about what's going on in my life and I need to know what's going on in their's.  The fact that my exBPD refuses to talk to me is absolute pure torture.  I would be much more interested in hashing things out, confirming, closure, etc . . . but those are things I will never have . . . That has made NC very hard for me even though he refuses to talk to me anyway.

However that's the point.  My exBPD knows this.  He knows that the only way to keep control over me after he has lost all control . . . is to completely cut me off.  I've sent him 2 texts in 2 weeks post break up, and then I sent him one more text a couple of weeks ago.  Confirmed read, with no response.  I know he hasn't blocked me and keeps the read receipts on, because in my opinion, I feel he is comforted by the fact that I have been squirming thinking of him.  It's like his last gasp of control after he's lost every other shred of control in my life.

I feel like I'm kind of rambling . . . but to sum things up this is my whole point.

You may be confused as to why you've been discarded and ignored.  This may hurt you very much.  The pain is intense and it encompasses your whole body.  Let me tell you something.  Your exBPD exNarc knows this, and they do NOT CARE.  Let that sink in.  They know this silent treatment is affecting you and hurting you, and the only thing they care about at this point in time are themselves.

The only way you will probably come to this realization is if you take the time to completely remove yourself from the situation, and heal. 

It may seem confusing because discarding and being quiet doesn't seem like abuse. 

But it is . . . and someone worthy of your time would NEVER DO THAT TO YOU, and you should NOT ACCEPT that behavior!

I have learned my lesson so well.  I will never allow someone to love bomb me, and then discard me all within 12 hours.  Further more, I will never allow it to happen MULTIPLE TIMES!

What was I thinking?  How did I get sucked in? 

Those are the things I'm figuring out right now, and this relationship will make me a stronger person, and will make me a better lover/partner for someone in the future.  I will not allow someone to tear me down or control my emotions, and the person who truly loves me, would NEVER do that to me in the first place.

Much Love .   

[gundam94]

Rm I know exactly how you feel. I'd much rather work things out and get proper closure with my BPD ex. But that wasn't the case with me. I had to get my own closure. In doing so I discovered that I had never really known my ex.

[offthepedestal]

Rm I know exactly how you feel. I'd much rather work things out and get proper closure with my BPD ex. But that wasn't the case with me. I had to get my own closure. In doing so I discovered that I had never really known my ex.

... .yes... .to so much in this thread.  I did not really learn who my ex was until after the relationship ended.  Then I learned very clearly who he was.  At least it helps with confirming I made the right decision!   

[Turkish]

He's also A male. It's very uncommon for men to have BPD.

That was the consensus for many years. Recent work, however, has shed new light:

The largest study in this area suggest that men and women are equally likely to have the disorder.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66448.msg784927#msg784927

Some conclusions are:

~ that prevalence in men is the same as women.

~ BPD was more prevalent among Native American men, younger and separated/divorced/windowed adults, and lower income and education.

~ BPD was less prevalent among Hispanic men and women, and Asian women.

~ the study details many other conclusions such as BPD prevalence was greatest among people with bipolar disorder (50%), panic disorder, or drug dependence.  Smokers were also more likely to have BPD.

~ 24% had comorbidity with another personality disorder.  The rates of NPD/BPD and ASPD/BPD were higher among women.

~ the greatest decline was seen after 44 years old.

There is a link to the original study which has very interesting tables.

[stimpy]

Rm, yes absolutely. My exuBPD/NPD gf behaved in exactly the same way, said she loved me, then discarded me by text 5 days later and on her birthday! Then straight to silent treatment, then followed by internet stalking. Now I realise just how sick she really is.

I'll post my full story one of these days (this is my first post) but your original post RM,  was my experience 100%.

btw, this site (and a few others) has been a life saver to me. Thanks!

How did we fall for it, well my view is that my ex has a lifetime experience of how to manipulate others and I didn't. So at the start, I thought she was like me, wanted what I did and had the same behaviour patterns and emotions and thinking processes as me. But ultimately that was not the case, and once into the devaluation stage, the differences became very very clear.

Incidentally, my gut feel at the start told me to leave her, how I wish I had listened to it better than I did.

[steelwork]

That behavior sounds very very narcissistic.

I don't think BPD's are capable of silent treatments because they are too emotional unstable.


I agree 100% with the post though.

I think silent treatment is actually pretty common, from what I've read.

Not really.

Curious: why do you think not? It's quite a common coping mechanism to protect oneself from criticism and head off abandonment, to avoid closure, etc--very often reported here and elsewhere.

[Penelope35]

I had these cycles with my ex. Discards and silent treatments. But whenever he realizes I stopped running after him he comes back. I told him multiple times that he needs to stop texting me because it's hurting me further. He knows how much i am struggling. But he doesn't respect that. every few days he will send a message saying he wants to talk to me or just tell me he loves me and will never forget about me etc. But at the same time he knows that we can't be together any more and that his messages are hurting me and keeping me stuck.

This isn't love either. Don't you think? When you love someone but your choice was to let them go then you actually let them go and stop messing with their lives... .

[cj488]

Rm I know exactly how you feel. I'd much rather work things out and get proper closure with my BPD ex. But that wasn't the case with me. I had to get my own closure. In doing so I discovered that I had never really known my ex.

Roger that, gundam94. I never really knew her, despite all the grand proclamations of love forever. The moment our "Elationship" became a relationship, all the Bpd problems exploded in our face. Shortly later, she was just gone. Once she got me to pay a last bill for her, I never heard from her ever again, except vicariously, as she did everything possible to destroy my life. I never knew her. Bpd is a terrible affliction.

[Michelle27]

That behavior sounds very very narcissistic.

I don't think BPD's are capable of silent treatments because they are too emotional unstable.


I agree 100% with the post though.

People with BPD traits often have co-morbidity with Narcissism so this is probably true.  I have only realized in the past year since separation that my ex didn't just have 8 of the 9 traits of BPD, he had a lot of NPD traits too.  It's a dangerous combination... .

[Fr4nz]

As far as I remember, silent treatment is absolutely NOT specific to NPDs.

On the countrary, BPDs and HPDs often recur to it as well!

[Rmbrworst]

Thanks for responding to the post everyone.

I think sometimes we all may get overly caught up on a diagnoses or whether something is Narcissistic, BPD, or Antisocial personalities, but to be honest, they're all Narcissistic disorders. 

It also doesn't matter if you're a full fledged narc, BPD, etc . . . if you have enough of the traits of a Cluster B personality disorder, the main idea is that person is acting selfishly.  That's the whole point of these disorders.  The SELF comes first, and everyone else is collateral damage.  People with Cluster B personality disorders put themselves first, and have little empathy for others. 

The specific traits and disorders only pin point WHY the person acts in a Narcissistic manner.  People with BPD are what I consider "Emotional Narcissists".  They are very emotional and this leads them to act out in selfish ways to reduce their intense emotions, but the ways they "deal" with their emotions still end up with  abuse to the non afflicted.

So whether its BPD, Narc, Antisocial, Histronic, and whether the person is "full fledge" or has "traits" . . . it's all part of the same plot.

It's selfishness, and there are a lot of beautiful loving, caring nice people here, who are worth much more than being in a relationship with someone who is selfish.  No matter the reason or motive behind it.

[Fr4nz]

I agree that cluster Bs are generally very selfish, and it's one of their distinctive traits... .but it's quite different than "narcissism".

Using the exact terms is very important... .at least for me

[Rmbrworst]

Rm, yes absolutely. My exuBPD/NPD gf behaved in exactly the same way, said she loved me, then discarded me by text 5 days later and on her birthday! Then straight to silent treatment, then followed by internet stalking. Now I realise just how sick she really is.

I'll post my full story one of these days (this is my first post) but your original post RM,  was my experience 100%.

btw, this site (and a few others) has been a life saver to me. Thanks!

How did we fall for it, well my view is that my ex has a lifetime experience of how to manipulate others and I didn't. So at the start, I thought she was like me, wanted what I did and had the same behaviour patterns and emotions and thinking processes as me. But ultimately that was not the case, and once into the devaluation stage, the differences became very very clear.

Incidentally, my gut feel at the start told me to leave her, how I wish I had listened to it better than I did.

Welcome to the site!    heart-smili

I'm glad someone can relate, it makes me feel less alone, but I'm also very sorry that you had to go through anything similar.  My gut instinct was to leave my exBPD early on, and in fact I DID leave him.  I said it wasn't working but we should be friends.  

He BEGGED for me back.  He said we were soul mates, that he never felt like had had with me, that he was amazed and confused by his love and attachment to me.  Very strong words.  He said he was in love with me and dedicated to me.

I took him back because ... .well dang he sounded serious and like he really wanted to try.

12 hours later, he dumped me and went back to his "ex".

But by then, I was in love and "hooked" and I entered into a cycle of make up and break up for 6 months after that day.

No matter if I have strong loving feelings or not, I should have NEVER continued after I had been so emotionally abused.  This whole drama could have ended months ago, if I had just walked away and let it go the first time he did it to me.

I'm also not used to being lied to or manipulated, as for the past decade of my life I have made certain not to surround myself with these people.   This relationship was a lesson for me.  I'm lucky I have amazing people in my life because I got too used to it.  I ignored red flags and warnings because I just couldn't believe someone who loved me would mistreat me.  My brain just couldn't put it together!

Now, I can see narcissistic traits in people from a million miles away.

[kc sunshine]

What always confuses me about my BPDex is: is she doing it selfishly or is she doing it cruelly? I'm truly not sure.

Also, Rmbrworst: your clarity is such an inspiration! I'm still struggling with the push pulls of it all.


"The pain is intense and it encompasses your whole body.  Let me tell you something.  Your exBPD exNarc knows this, and they do NOT CARE.  Let that sink in.  They know this silent treatment is affecting you and hurting you, and the only thing they care about at this point in time are themselves."

[Herodias]

I have felt the same way... .mine even has anti-social traits! I have anguished over whether he did allot of the things he did on purpose or not. Literally anguished because I can't believe someone would do these things, yet based on everything I have read it is more than possible... .now the problem is with forgiveness. I read when you have been treated so poorly, it is allot of pressure from society to "forgive" the person who wronged you and it can make us feel even worse! I think I have finally hit the really angry stage after a very long year of sadness and disbelief. Not sure how to handle it, but I can only do what I can do. I am upset with people that bring on their own experiences and pressure me, because they think we went through the same situation. Not here, but friends. I guarantee, as much as we have similar situations, we all went through entirely different situations and felt things our own way. I think we all have to come to our own conclusions and try to move on the best we can... .with out pressure. I am still working through this all, but glad to have a group who has had similar experiences to vent to. You are very right RM, they are very narcissistic and unfortuanley society seems to promote this behavior instead of discouraging it. It is very sad... .It is true though, there is a difference between narcissistic behavior and a person with narcissistic personality disorder... .that is part of the problem with diagnosis.

[Confused108]

RM you have summed this up perfectly! Sounds a lot like my ex. Loved me unconditionally one minute then the next is sending me an email to dump me. Silent treatment would not take my calls etc. . Then after I was persistent enough she emailed me back and said " since my silence is not getting through to you! I was like what ? Yup this was my 1st love as a 14 yo and she came back into my life Feb 2013. Didn't fall for her lying bull $hit until the end of June 2015 and then she discarded me Sept 4 2015. I also believe her to be a narc as well. Went out of her way to hurt me and really didn't give 2 $hits how I felt or what I was going through. Never again!

[GreenEyedMonster]

My situation is very, very similar.  I have since come to the conclusion that my ex was probably primarily NPD, with some BPD traits thrown in.

My ex's main goal was to satisfy his own egotistical desires.  I don't even think this was a conscious thing for him.  It was just how he saw the world.  In calmer moments, when he felt very secure, he rationally understood what a good relationship was.  But once his own emotions got involved, all bets were off.

I realized in hindsight that he wasn't in love with me as a person.  He was in love with my actions.  As long as my actions were what he wanted, he was head over heels, high on life, in love with me.  But if I did actions that were either boring or hurtful to him, he would react accordingly.  The idea that I am a whole person, and that my problems and boring moments and goodness and happiness are all wrapped into one, was lost on him.  He tried to love just the parts of me that appealed to him and ignore or push away the rest.  When he figured out he couldn't do that, he discarded me entirely. 

Now I am just a reminder of his awfulness and incompetence, so he tries things like threatening me with a PPO to keep me away.  What he really wants far away are his own flaws.  I am not a person.  I am whatever emotions I cause him on a given day.  If they aren't nice emotions, he turns on me.

[Rmbrworst]

Well isn't this funny.  I make a post about finding strength and healing, and who decides to text me after 2 months of silent treatment?

Yup. Him.

He has informed me that he sent me a letter through snail mail, and I should receive it shortly.

Gee thanks, 2 months of silence and a cryptic message.  I didn't respond, I guess we will see what the letter says.  I'll read it remembering actions speak louder than words.  I will never forget the pain he out me through these past two months.

That speaks volumes over any words he writes or says.

Thanks for coming to this thread and sharing.  I may need to lean on you all because he's now broken NC.

[Rmbrworst]

I am whatever emotions I cause him on a given day.  If they aren't nice emotions, he turns on me.

Exactly!   

If I ever made him feel bad, that's all I was to him.  Pure evil!  He had no constants in his life with me.  If I didn't always make him feel warm, bubbly and happy, that's when the discard would happen.

Glad I now see the cycle clearly ... .

[Learning Fast]

Rmbrworst,

Very curious about the letter and what he'll try to communicate.  Maintain NC as it looks like he is attempting to stir the "drama pot"!

LF

[blissful_camper]

I experienced this too. It's confusing and painful. Once I realized that he acted out similarly to romantic-others (including platonic friends) it became easier to not take his actions personally. (That process takes time) I think they do care, but the feelings are perhaps so intense (fear, shame, abandonment, etc) that the coping mechanisms simply take over. What we're seeing is an inability to cope with feelings on a constructive, adult level. My BPD-ex reminded me of a herd animal stuck in fear-flight mode. He was in constant survival mode. Pretty sad. I can't begin to imagine the amount of energy required to maintain that safe-space.

[kc sunshine]

Whoa, no way!

We're right here to lean on Rmbrworst. You've been here for so many of us   

Well isn't this funny.  I make a post about finding strength and healing, and who decides to text me after 2 months of silent treatment?

Yup. Him.

He has informed me that he sent me a letter through snail mail, and I should receive it shortly.

Gee thanks, 2 months of silence and a cryptic message.  I didn't respond, I guess we will see what the letter says.  I'll read it remembering actions speak louder than words.  I will never forget the pain he out me through these past two months.

That speaks volumes over any words he writes or says.

Thanks for coming to this thread and sharing.  I may need to lean on you all because he's now broken NC.

[kc sunshine]

Mine wants me to go see her in a drag show on Saturday (a big dance party)... .NOT a good idea, right gang?

[steelwork]

Mine wants me to go see her in a drag show on Saturday (a big dance party)... .NOT a good idea, right gang?

Not a good idea, kc. Sorry.

(I wish mine wanted me to see him in a drag show.)

[once removed]

hey Rmbrworst 

i imagine this recent contact and the impending letter would really throw me for a loop.

where would you say youre at with regard to the stages of grief? denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance?

[Rmbrworst]

hey Rmbrworst 

i imagine this recent contact and the impending letter would really throw me for a loop.

where would you say youre at with regard to the stages of grief? denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance?

I'm pushing through to accepting.  The message of the pending letter didn't impress me.  I didn't respond to the message.  I feel that it's child like and kind of a "game" to send a letter.  Why not just email me or text me?

It seems dramatic and I have not even read it yet. 

I am not going to pretend like I'm not emotionally affected by the message, I am, but I also intend to read the letter knowing actions speak louder than words, and his silence of 2 months will speak volumes more than any letter I read.

[Anez]

hey Rmbrworst 

i imagine this recent contact and the impending letter would really throw me for a loop.

where would you say youre at with regard to the stages of grief? denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance?

I'm pushing through to accepting.  The message of the pending letter didn't impress me.  I didn't respond to the message.  I feel that it's child like and kind of a "game" to send a letter.  Why not just email me or text me?

It seems dramatic and I have not even read it yet. 

I am not going to pretend like I'm not emotionally affected by the message, I am, but I also intend to read the letter knowing actions speak louder than words, and his silence of 2 months will speak volumes more than any letter I read.

That's a great attitude. You're seeing things really clearly. When dealing with people with BPD It's all about expectations and keeping them in check when corresponding with them or them reaching out to you. They are mentally stunted and can't think logically because of their illness.

Stay strong. Your words are smart and inspiring. A great message to others, including me.

[Scopikaz]

Good post. In my case she left quickly too. But she has responded to several texts over the last three months. Just usually very brief. To the point. Sometimes not at all if I was talking too deeply.  Other times if she was self loathing or wanted something. Then a lot more. But I'm not sure if the silent treatment is worse or the fact she's been manipulative had agreed to do things this past month. But only on her terms.  The things we did the past month (concert, musical, trip to biltmore And to see her kids). All those she couldn't post anything on social media About us. Because she painted me black with them.  It's me that's been asking and texting etc.  so I'm just not sure if her going totally silent would have been better or us doing the few things we have.

[Penelope35]

Hmm... .yes he probably had a craving for drama... .I hope that didn' t cause you much anxiety