Smearing.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ok. My ex is telling all her friends I was selfish and I beat her. I swear to God I was the only one who worked and I never hit her. Why won't they believe me! I was good to her I loved her

[hurting300]

Ok. My ex is telling all her friends I was selfish and I beat her. I swear to God I was the only one who worked and I never hit her. Why won't they believe me! I was good to her I loved her

[once removed]

im sorry to hear about that hurting300, its hurtful and confusing to be on the receiving end of such serious false charges, even more so when others believe them.

whats your relationship to these friends? are they mutual friends? can you elaborate on whats been playing out?

[fromheeltoheal]

Ok. My ex is telling all her friends I was selfish and I beat her. I swear to God I was the only one who worked and I never hit her. Why won't they believe me! I was good to her I loved her

She has to do that to live with herself hurting.  I don't know the details of your story, but the alternative would be to accept some responsibility for the demise of the relationship and the loss of an attachment, and a borderline absolutely cannot go there, it would trigger massive shame, the core of the disorder, and she's been avoiding that her entire life.

The best thing you can do is be authentically you 100%.  This is actually an opportunity; borderlines are good at creating facades and being who they need to be in any situation, a consequence of having an unstable sense of self that is not fully formed, but there is usually something 'off', and it's up to you to decide if you want people in your life who buy into whatever she's saying regardless, especially if it's lies.

[hurting300]

Ok. My ex is telling all her friends I was selfish and I beat her. I swear to God I was the only one who worked and I never hit her. Why won't they believe me! I was good to her I loved her

She has to do that to live with herself hurting.  I don't know the details of your story, but the alternative would be to accept some responsibility for the demise of the relationship and the loss of an attachment, and a borderline absolutely cannot go there, it would trigger massive shame, the core of the disorder, and she's been avoiding that her entire life.

The best thing you can do is be authentically you 100%.  This is actually an opportunity; borderlines are good at creating facades and being who they need to be in any situation, a consequence of having an unstable sense of self that is not fully formed, but there is usually something 'off', and it's up to you to decide if you want people in your life who buy into whatever she's saying regardless, especially if it's lies.

You know, I was overbearing I guess. But she is completely making me look terrible. I wanted to curse that person out. I was on fire.

[hurting300]

im sorry to hear about that hurting300, its hurtful and confusing to be on the receiving end of such serious false charges, even more so when others believe them.

whats your relationship to these friends? are they mutual friends? can you elaborate on whats been playing out?

No they sent me a friend request and I honestly thought the woman was cute so I accepted the request. Well it's my exes friend. Wow.

[fromheeltoheal]

Ok. My ex is telling all her friends I was selfish and I beat her. I swear to God I was the only one who worked and I never hit her. Why won't they believe me! I was good to her I loved her

She has to do that to live with herself hurting.  I don't know the details of your story, but the alternative would be to accept some responsibility for the demise of the relationship and the loss of an attachment, and a borderline absolutely cannot go there, it would trigger massive shame, the core of the disorder, and she's been avoiding that her entire life.

The best thing you can do is be authentically you 100%.  This is actually an opportunity; borderlines are good at creating facades and being who they need to be in any situation, a consequence of having an unstable sense of self that is not fully formed, but there is usually something 'off', and it's up to you to decide if you want people in your life who buy into whatever she's saying regardless, especially if it's lies.

You know, I was overbearing I guess. But she is completely making me look terrible. I wanted to curse that person out. I was on fire.

OK, well, 'overbearing' could be selfish, depends on the details, but it's a long way from hitting her.  And the good news, as we get some time and distance from the relationship, is to look honestly at what was ours and what was our ex's, and most importantly, why we did what we did.  Relationships with borderlines can be very challenging, unstable, unpredictable, the ol' 'walking on eggshells' thing, and the good thing about that is it really makes our worst traits, our survival mechanisms, show up, and then we can do something about them, or not, or maybe the 'something' is just becoming aware of a side of ourselves that we didn't know existing so we can change our focus and behavior accordingly.  You may look back one day and be thankful for the awareness you gained as a result of the relationship and consider it a gift.  Take care of you!

[hurting300]

Ok. My ex is telling all her friends I was selfish and I beat her. I swear to God I was the only one who worked and I never hit her. Why won't they believe me! I was good to her I loved her

She has to do that to live with herself hurting.  I don't know the details of your story, but the alternative would be to accept some responsibility for the demise of the relationship and the loss of an attachment, and a borderline absolutely cannot go there, it would trigger massive shame, the core of the disorder, and she's been avoiding that her entire life.

The best thing you can do is be authentically you 100%.  This is actually an opportunity; borderlines are good at creating facades and being who they need to be in any situation, a consequence of having an unstable sense of self that is not fully formed, but there is usually something 'off', and it's up to you to decide if you want people in your life who buy into whatever she's saying regardless, especially if it's lies.

You know, I was overbearing I guess. But she is completely making me look terrible. I wanted to curse that person out. I was on fire.

OK, well, 'overbearing' could be selfish, depends on the details, but it's a long way from hitting her.  And the good news, as we get some time and distance from the relationship, is to look honestly at what was ours and what was our ex's, and most importantly, why we did what we did.  Relationships with borderlines can be very challenging, unstable, unpredictable, the ol' 'walking on eggshells' thing, and the good thing about that is it really makes our worst traits, our survival mechanisms, show up, and then we can do something about them, or not, or maybe the 'something' is just becoming aware of a side of ourselves that we didn't know existing so we can change our focus and behavior accordingly.  You may look back one day and be thankful for the awareness you gained as a result of the relationship and consider it a gift.  Take care of you!

Overbearing meaning for her to get a job. I was the only one working and she sleeps till noon and was obsessed with Facebook. All I wanted was help but I paid for everything.

[once removed]

hurting300,

do i have it right that your exes friend, friended you on facebook, and upon friending her she accused you of being selfish and beating your ex?

[letmeout]

Their smear campaign is used to accomplish three things.

It depicts you as the abuser or unstable person and deflects any of your accusations of abuse; it provokes you into responding, thus proving your instability to others when trying to argue his/her depiction of you and serves as a charming technique in which they seek to pull you back into the trauma of the relationship as you struggle to reconcile the rumors about you with who you actually are by speaking out against the accusations.

The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No Contact with both the BPD and the people who have bought into the BPD's smear campaign.

I know that is a hard rule to play by, but you just have to ignore the slander and keep moving forward.

[fromheeltoheal]

Ok. My ex is telling all her friends I was selfish and I beat her. I swear to God I was the only one who worked and I never hit her. Why won't they believe me! I was good to her I loved her

She has to do that to live with herself hurting.  I don't know the details of your story, but the alternative would be to accept some responsibility for the demise of the relationship and the loss of an attachment, and a borderline absolutely cannot go there, it would trigger massive shame, the core of the disorder, and she's been avoiding that her entire life.

The best thing you can do is be authentically you 100%.  This is actually an opportunity; borderlines are good at creating facades and being who they need to be in any situation, a consequence of having an unstable sense of self that is not fully formed, but there is usually something 'off', and it's up to you to decide if you want people in your life who buy into whatever she's saying regardless, especially if it's lies.

You know, I was overbearing I guess. But she is completely making me look terrible. I wanted to curse that person out. I was on fire.

OK, well, 'overbearing' could be selfish, depends on the details, but it's a long way from hitting her.  And the good news, as we get some time and distance from the relationship, is to look honestly at what was ours and what was our ex's, and most importantly, why we did what we did.  Relationships with borderlines can be very challenging, unstable, unpredictable, the ol' 'walking on eggshells' thing, and the good thing about that is it really makes our worst traits, our survival mechanisms, show up, and then we can do something about them, or not, or maybe the 'something' is just becoming aware of a side of ourselves that we didn't know existing so we can change our focus and behavior accordingly.  You may look back one day and be thankful for the awareness you gained as a result of the relationship and consider it a gift.  Take care of you!

Overbearing meaning for her to get a job. I was the only one working and she sleeps till noon and was obsessed with Facebook. All I wanted was help but I paid for everything.

So what did you learn from that hurting, and how can it add to your new, empowering life?

[hurting300]

Ok. My ex is telling all her friends I was selfish and I beat her. I swear to God I was the only one who worked and I never hit her. Why won't they believe me! I was good to her I loved her

She has to do that to live with herself hurting.  I don't know the details of your story, but the alternative would be to accept some responsibility for the demise of the relationship and the loss of an attachment, and a borderline absolutely cannot go there, it would trigger massive shame, the core of the disorder, and she's been avoiding that her entire life.

The best thing you can do is be authentically you 100%.  This is actually an opportunity; borderlines are good at creating facades and being who they need to be in any situation, a consequence of having an unstable sense of self that is not fully formed, but there is usually something 'off', and it's up to you to decide if you want people in your life who buy into whatever she's saying regardless, especially if it's lies.

You know, I was overbearing I guess. But she is completely making me look terrible. I wanted to curse that person out. I was on fire.

OK, well, 'overbearing' could be selfish, depends on the details, but it's a long way from hitting her.  And the good news, as we get some time and distance from the relationship, is to look honestly at what was ours and what was our ex's, and most importantly, why we did what we did.  Relationships with borderlines can be very challenging, unstable, unpredictable, the ol' 'walking on eggshells' thing, and the good thing about that is it really makes our worst traits, our survival mechanisms, show up, and then we can do something about them, or not, or maybe the 'something' is just becoming aware of a side of ourselves that we didn't know existing so we can change our focus and behavior accordingly.  You may look back one day and be thankful for the awareness you gained as a result of the relationship and consider it a gift.  Take care of you!

Overbearing meaning for her to get a job. I was the only one working and she sleeps till noon and was obsessed with Facebook. All I wanted was help but I paid for everything.

So what did you learn from that hurting, and how can it add to your new, empowering life?

I just want to let go. That's it.

[hurting300]

hurting300,

do i have it right that your exes friend, friended you on facebook, and upon friending her she accused you of being selfish and beating your ex?

yes you are completely right. I'm confused to say the least. Why would she friend me if I was a bad guy that beat her friend?

[fromheeltoheal]

So what did you learn from that hurting, and how can it add to your new, empowering life?

I just want to let go. That's it.

So what is preventing you?

[once removed]

I'm confused to say the least. Why would she friend me if I was a bad guy that beat her friend?

in a word, "drama". i assume you are aware of the karpman drama triangle. so how did you respond? are you still facebook friends? how might you step off the triangle?

[hurting300]

I'm confused to say the least. Why would she friend me if I was a bad guy that beat her friend?

in a word, "drama". i assume you are aware of the karpman drama triangle. so how did you respond? are you still facebook friends? how might you step off the triangle?

No I deleted her. I sent that girl a long message explaining how much I loved my ex. And I told her she was being used. And there I thought my wiped the record with me .

[Michelle27]

This came up for me this week too. I was served with divorce papers and my ex actually had the nerve to put in the paperwork that I was keeping his daughter from him which is not true at all. In fact he disappeared from her life with only two visits since July, changing his phone number and not speaking to her for months. I told her so often that our separation didn't mean I was taking her from her Dad, that she finally asked me to stop because she knew. I knew he was telling other people that but to see it in the legal paperwork blew me away because it's so easy to disprove.

I don't know what the solution is except for remembering "not my circus, not my monkeys".

[once removed]

I'm confused to say the least. Why would she friend me if I was a bad guy that beat her friend?

in a word, "drama". i assume you are aware of the karpman drama triangle. so how did you respond? are you still facebook friends? how might you step off the triangle?

No I deleted her. I sent that girl a long message explaining how much I loved my ex. And I told her she was being used. And there I thought my wiped the record with me .

i understand hindsight is 20/20 but sometimes a response may reinforce the roles on the triangle. keep in mind, you do not owe this person any explanation.

[hurting300]

This came up for me this week too. I was served with divorce papers and my ex actually had the nerve to put in the paperwork that I was keeping his daughter from him which is not true at all. In fact he disappeared from her life with only two visits since July, changing his phone number and not speaking to her for months. I told her so often that our separation didn't mean I was taking her from her Dad, that she finally asked me to stop because she knew. I knew he was telling other people that but to see it in the legal paperwork blew me away because it's so easy to disprove.

I don't know what the solution is except for remembering "not my circus, not my monkeys".

I thought my ex was completely finished with me. I mean come on the girl was spying for my ex. Common sense

[hurting300]

I'm confused to say the least. Why would she friend me if I was a bad guy that beat her friend?

I'm just upset this girl thinks I'm evil and she doesn't know me. I'm not the one who ran off with my kid. She did. Ugh.

in a word, "drama". i assume you are aware of the karpman drama triangle. so how did you respond? are you still facebook friends? how might you step off the triangle?

No I deleted her. I sent that girl a long message explaining how much I loved my ex. And I told her she was being used. And there I thought my wiped the record with me .

i understand hindsight is 20/20 but sometimes a response may reinforce the roles on the triangle. keep in mind, you do not owe this person any explanation.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think pwNPD traits tend to smear in order to preserve their PNS (pathological narcissistic space).  For my ex, claiming unlimited access to our shared group of friends seems to be his goal.  My presence at gatherings is a risk because I might re-open his narcissistic wound, so heaven forbid he see me.  But more importantly, if I am there and taken seriously in my group of friends, I might be able to prevent him from securing more supply, and convince other people to re-open his narcissistic wound.  He *wishes* he could get a PPO against me, and then lurk by his laptop all day in order to RSVP to every event first, and keep me out of the picture entirely.  I imagine he is crying in his soup that he can't.

He checks up on what our friends and I are doing about 2-3x per day.  So clearly he still sees some potential there.

It's only recently that he's started to try to convince mutual friends that I'm stalking him, and their response has been to suspect that he is crazy.  Not working out so well for him.

[Daniell85]

I have always found it a complete waste of time trying to convince anyone that the smear campaign is untrue. Usually I don't even know it's going on until he convinces someone to get so disgusted and angry at me on his behalf that they come looking for me to smack me around or make fun of me.

You can't explain it and you can't convince. These people end up learning better in their own time, as their experience with the smearer spills over onto them and they get jerked around, too.

[hurting300]

I have always found it a complete waste of time trying to convince anyone that the smear campaign is untrue. Usually I don't even know it's going on until he convinces someone to get so disgusted and angry at me on his behalf that they come looking for me to smack me around or make fun of me.

You can't explain it and you can't convince. These people end up learning better in their own time, as their experience with the smearer spills over onto them and they get jerked around, too.

I still can't believe after two years she can't keep my name out of her mouth. And her friend being on Facebook AFTER she told her I abused her is even more strange

[hurting300]

I think pwNPD traits tend to smear in order to preserve their PNS (pathological narcissistic space).  For my ex, claiming unlimited access to our shared group of friends seems to be his goal.  My presence at gatherings is a risk because I might re-open his narcissistic wound, so heaven forbid he see me.  But more importantly, if I am there and taken seriously in my group of friends, I might be able to prevent him from securing more supply, and convince other people to re-open his narcissistic wound.  He *wishes* he could get a PPO against me, and then lurk by his laptop all day in order to RSVP to every event first, and keep me out of the picture entirely.  I imagine he is crying in his soup that he can't.

He checks up on what our friends and I are doing about 2-3x per day.  So clearly he still sees some potential there.

It's only recently that he's started to try to convince mutual friends that I'm stalking him, and their response has been to suspect that he is crazy.  Not working out so well for him.

I will admit I stalked and hunted her down, only because she ran away with our baby. But she has no reason to wonder what I'm doing. She left ME