Co-parenting with an ex dBPDgf with drug problems~

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

She still has not given a clean drug test or had supervised vitiation with 2s after two months has gone and it is now under a month until the next hearing. And what does she do? She files for main custody of 2s! and wants full psych evaluation of me etc. I realize this is part of her black/white all or nothing thinking, but it is still kind of shocking and this truly has to show the court that she does not understand her situatuion and that she is not thinking at all about what is best for 2s.

[WalkingAway]

She still has not given a clean drug test or had supervised vitiation with 2s after two months has gone and it is now under a month until the next hearing. And what does she do? She files for main custody of 2s! and wants full psych evaluation of me etc. I realize this is part of her black/white all or nothing thinking, but it is still kind of shocking and this truly has to show the court that she does not understand her situatuion and that she is not thinking at all about what is best for 2s.

[ForeverDad]

She is allowed to have her day in court.  Even if everything points to it eventually being denied or dismissed.  Court will bend over backwards, especially with a mother, to not show partiality.  For that reason you can't afford to assume court will do your work for you, it's more than her proving her case, it's also you having to disprove her case.  So monitor how things go so that if you do need to step up and vigorously refute her attempt then you'll have already done all the prep work, etc.

My local area, not my county though, had a judge in juvenile court charged with a numbers of violations, backdating orders, letting kids languish without decisions, etc, in addition to felony charges.  It has been a years-long effort to keep this judge out of the court system.  Of all the charges she was convicted of just one and she's appealed, lost and vowed to appeal again.  She gives every indication of BPD, however no one has mentioned requiring an evaluation.

[livednlearned]

She still has not given a clean drug test or had supervised vitiation with 2s after two months has gone and it is now under a month until the next hearing. And what does she do? She files for main custody of 2s! and wants full psych evaluation of me etc. I realize this is part of her black/white all or nothing thinking, but it is still kind of shocking and this truly has to show the court that she does not understand her situatuion and that she is not thinking at all about what is best for 2s.

The more I've learned about BPD, the more this kind of thing makes sense. My ex did exactly the same thing, under very similar circumstances (ordered by court to do xyz, no visitation, threat of losing custody).

The shame builds to a degree that psychosis or some other kind of alternate reality must be constructed in order to manage the sheer pain they feel. Usually projection, black/white, splitting type of thought patterns are present, and these cognitive distortions become so severe (to cope) that we see a very vivid example of disordered thinking. I don't think my ex was even aware how distorted his thinking had become. For him, he had always bent the facts to fit his feelings, although when not under duress, I suspect he had some idea whether his thinking was "normal" or not.

For them to do the right thing (stop doing drugs, comply with court orders) means acknowledging fault, and that is, and has always been, so excessively painful that other facts must be constructed out of thin air as a way to cope.

It can't be them, so it must be you causing all these problems. Therefore, they have to get custody of the child to protect them. This is of course not rooted in reality, therefore no other part of this thought process is rooted in reality, including doing the things one might do to get full custody.

[WalkingAway]

So now the judge has made a written verdict that there will be a psychiatric evaluation of my ex and only of her.

The psychiatric will be able to talk to me to get relevant information and there I can talk about her allegations of me not having emotional skills. She is claiming that the way I left her/treated her is proof that I have emotional problems and that was why I also needed psychiatric evaluation… She is also claiming I am manipulating and does not have knowledge of self etc. Projection 101 I guess.

I am stilled baffled by the fact that she still has made no contact to CPS regarding visitation. She should manage to drink 3 liters of orange juice to fake the drug test again and at least pretend that she wants to see 2s, considering that she is trying to get main custody.

[WalkingAway]

One week until final hearing. She has not had any supervised visitations and have not seen 2s since march 15th. She has been caught with drugs by the police at least two times since the last hearing and she has been caught trying to give fake drug tests (Caught at the doctor’s office with a bag of urine taped to her back. When confronted she claimed that someone else must have taped it there…(!)) There is a 42 page long evaluation report from the psychologist which pretty much concludes that it is not safe for 2s to be alone with his mom and that permanent supervised visitation is recommended. She has not followed up on her therapy and shows no sign of cooperation. He also concluded that no visitation will probably not have an direct negative effect on 2s, but that he will have benefits down the line by knowing his biological mother.

I feel quite confident that the hearing will go okay. She of course is still demanding main custody and have more false claims of infidelity and my mistreatment of her etc (nothing in relation to 2s).
Still, I do not look forward to it and I am very apprehensive about seeing her in court. All of this is still absurd and It is painful that 2S’s mother has felled this far down.

Thanks for all the support so far!

[livednlearned]

It sounds like she is not doing well

Court hearings are never enjoyable, even when things go your way.

I can relate to the discomfort you mention. Seeing my ex in court always turned my stomach inside out. In my court, there are special conference rooms near the courtroom, and my L always requested one so I could wait in there prior to court. That cut down on the awkward meeting in the hall waiting to enter court.

She may not appear in court, there is always that possibility. My court had outstanding motions that had to be dismissed, and that meant another trip back to court. Ex didn't even show.

[ForeverDad]

She files for main custody of 2s! and wants full psych evaluation of me, etc.

I missed this before.  Likely you won't have to do anything since the other professionals are aware of the overall case.  However, if it looks like this request/demand will be acted upon then be sure that you are not the only one evaluated!  It MUST be both of you evaluated.

This is a golden opportunity, not just to clear yourself, but get you both under the microscope if it goes that far.  Our ex-spouses are often very slippery manipulators and masters at avoiding anything that would shine light upon them.  Likely if you made a counter request that you both be evaluated then she'd drop it like a hot potato.  (Or figure she could con the evaluator.)

[WalkingAway]

The hearing is postponed because she has "had an incident that has made her apathetic/lethargic an not able to show up in court"... .!

The judge an the lawyers will have a conference call on Tuesday. My lawyer says we can hope for a settlement but i highly doubt it.

FRACK!

[livednlearned]

It sounds like she might be disassociating, or maybe doing drugs to the point she can't cope.

The shame must be intense for her.

I'm so sorry you have to wait in limbo like this. How are you holding up?

LnL

[WalkingAway]

So now the final hearing is postponed until February…I am a little angry but mostly disappointed. I wanted to have a concrete and confirmed parenting plan going forward. lnl’s comparison to limbo is very accurate. It now continues to feel like I am waiting …

I’m concerned that if she now all of a sudden shows up for supervised visitation over the next four months and then gets a verdict in February that she is not expecting, she will again stop with the visitation, leaving 2s confused. However, I guess most likely it will continue like this, with no visitations…My biggest fear is her “faking” an improvement over the next four months. But I know that after this incident and the thorough report (that states that she needs 3-4 years of therapy, that she tries to cheat the drug tests etc) the judge will not be fooled that easily. And if she is struggling as much as it seems like, i guess she will not be able to “fake” anything either.

However, me and 2s are doing good =) I have bought an apartment 5 minutes from my work and his kindergarten. He is adapting very nicely in the kindergarten and has made friends there. I am dating a nice girl who also have a son and 2s and him have become friends. We are also spending alot of time with 2s's grandparents and uncles =) I have been struggling to focus at work because of the ongoing case. But I am now determined to try and stop thinking about the case, at least until next year, stop monitoring her Facebook activity etc. Because I feel have all the documentation I need and that my case will be just as strong in four months as it is right now.

Thanks again for the support.

[WalkingAway]

This is a golden opportunity, not just to clear yourself, but get you both under the microscope if it goes that far.  Our ex-spouses are often very slippery manipulators and masters at avoiding anything that would shine light upon them.  Likely if you made a counter request that you both be evaluated then she'd drop it like a hot potato.  (Or figure she could con the evaluator.)

It flipped back on her, and she was the one that was "evaluated". But the psychiatric talked to me and visited me and 2s in our apartment. It was mentioned in the report that i was a good father and cable of taking care of 2s in a good way.

One of the things i was happy that the psychiatric picked up on was that the ex is not able to move forward and when trying to discuss the situation of today with her (2s living with me in this city) she was not able to comprehend it and went straight to talking about "her rights". He also picked up on her projection behavior and the fact that she blames everyone else for all her actions. This was also confirmed by her own psychiatrist.

[livednlearned]

WalkingAway,

My situation was similar to yours. My ex's behavior was above and beyond what some here experience, mostly due to substance abuse.

Despite advice from wonderful members here (like FD  ) for us to both be evaluated, I never saw the need. It was expensive, for one. And two, when there is clear evidence of substance abuse by one party, it made no sense to me to subject myself to the same evaluation. I am not the drunk in this story.

It is standard in many early temporary orders to agree to the same conditions. Ex was told no drinking before and during visitation, and I was asked to abide the same rule. I felt that was nuts. If he was snorting cocaine, and had to agree to stop, why in the heck would I agree to not do something I never do? I have never been drunk my entire life and saw no reason to agree to the conditions just because what applied to him should apply to me.

You have a lot of condemning evidence of her psychiatric issues and substance abuse.

Sometimes, father's here do get a break and it sounds like the courts see clearly how things stack up in your situation. Which is both good, and sad at the same time as is the case for so many of us here. Winning seems to be about who loses less.

[Miss-understood]

In a way you're lucky that she's digging her own hole. I'm currently trying to keep my son safe from m my ex and his dysfunctional family but he's doing a good job at pretending to be a doting dad and denying drug use.

[WalkingAway]

In a way you're lucky that she's digging her own hole.

I hate the fact that my son doesn’t have a mother in his life, but reading some of the stories on this site I truly recognize that I have been “lucky” in many ways compered to how things could have been. I guess it is mostly because of her drug addiction which is much easier to prove to the judge/court than the worries/problems related to her borderline diagnoses.

So a big update: We had the final hearing about three weeks ago. My dBPD exgf showed up and we came to an settlement.
-   She will have 32 hours of “protected visitation” pr year (this for a period of two years). “Protected” is slightly different then “supervised”, since it gives room to loosen up the condition if she proves herself. However, the three first visitations will be fully monitored just as it would have been with supervised visitation. If we don’t come to an agreement after the next two years, she will have 32 hours of visitation pr year.  
-   I will pay for a drug test pr visitation which have to be taken 10 days before each visitation.
-   The service that does the protected visitations also have permission to contact her psychiatrist to get status of her therapy.

She and 3s also had a supervised visitation for 1.5 hours the day after the hearing (this after not seeing each other for 11 months)  It went okay withno big emotions for my son when he meet her/she left, and I don’t think he really understood what was going on. (He asked “Are you my mother” to several of the people working at the center where they had the visitation…)
I have not been contacted my her lawyer or by the visitation center since then, and I have a feeling I will not hear anything for the next two years…. But I just have to wait and see.

It feels extremely good to have my son protected for the next two years !   And I want to once again thank everyone who has given me support and tips  It has been very helpful. Good luck to everyone who is struggling with a person with BPD

[livednlearned]

He asked “Are you my mother” to several of the people working at the center where they had the visitation…)

It hurts, I know.

[WalkingAway]

It hurts, I know.

Yup, it sure does =/ I have been struggling some with deciding how much I should talk to my son about his mother.  I talk to him if he asks about her and he is usually satisfied when we just say she lives in "the city where she lives". He does not seem to remember much about her so there is probably no loss for him, but he is curious and i assume it is some what confusing for him...

[livednlearned]

With my son, I stopped trying to explain things and instead started to just say, "I don't know why."

Because I don't.

It's been more healing for him that I listen to his feelings and validate them than try to explain substance abuse, personality disorders, blah blah blah. And to my surprise, he has already researched this for myself. He learned about PDs while studying Shakespeare in his English class, and he put two and two together and starting talking about personality disorders.

When he was younger, I made the mistake of shooing him along, away from the intensity of his sadness and grief and anger. Because I did not yet have the skills to handle those feelings, not just in him but in me.

Once I started to bear witness to his pain, things got better for him. It didn't bring his dad back and he is still very hurt by what ultimately is a profound rejection. I have had to learn how to tolerate the intense pain of seeing and feeling my son suffer.

But he has some resilience now, and trusts me to confide how he is feeling. He is much less emotionally alone in his pain and suffering. He has a wonderful psychiatrist and together it feels that we (psychiatrist and me) are reparenting S15 emotionally. I'm still learning.

You are in the early stages and can do this now. It will never fill the hole in his heart but it will prevent it from feeling empty.  He may learn more about emotional resilience than if he had a two-parent family, if you are looking for silver linings