Why does he bother with therapy?

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, I've tried letting him suffer the natural consequences of his actions. His girls have told him(which they actually have zero reason for their anger towards him other than he came back to me, and they want total control of him), and I have told him that "your actions have consequences".

The problem with letting him face those natural consequences is that he becomes just awful. He blames, he rages, he threatens, and he seems to not be able to see that this is simply cause and effect of his actions and choices. He won't just accept that he is responsible.

Case in point: I didn't want him to buy an expensive sports car with a loan(he purposely blew through his insurance payoff where he could have paid cash), yet he insisted in buying a sports car outside our means. We live in Michigan, and we've been getting tons of snow. He couldn't drive his sports car home one day last week, so he calls me and asks me to come get him, but he also takes his rage out on me! He's frustrated, but I warned him that this car would not be a good idea. THIS is exactly a result of his poor choices. And again today, we got slammed with snow, and he insisted on taking MY SUV because it's much better in the snow(and paid off, I might add as I insisted we pay cash), so I was stuck, living with HIS poor choices.

Tomorrow, I just may insist he take his fancy sports car because I did have a boundary around my car. I don't mind him driving it as a rule(we drive each others cars and I prefer to think of them as OUR, while he uses mine and yours), but when I'm being left stranded because his can't handle the snow, it's frustrating. Plus, before he'd even buy a car, he'd take mine, and I'd be stranded home. I set a boundary, and he carpooled for a while.

If he wasn't so rageful and scary, it would be much easier to just let him learn from "consequences", but sadly he doesn't even seem to make that connection. I'm done cushioning him from natural consequences of his choices, but I'm also not wanting to make things worse.

[Cloudy Days]

Have you ever read the thread about living in the FOG? You fear this man, this is why you basically do whatever he wants. Most people will suggest that you call the cops on him if he becomes rageful and scary. Trust me I have been there, I have some severe PTSD from it and I have never actually called the cops on him. But one night he snapped and I went to his mothers house for refuge, she ended up calling the cops on him and this is what led him to get therapy. You need to figure out how to step away from him when he is like that. You are taking on emotional abuse because you are trying to set a boundary. The reason he was different with his ex is because she would raise the stakes higher (it's actually common for two people with a personality disorder to hook up). Is there a reason you can't step out when he becomes rageful and scary? In particular what is he threatening? Harm to you, harm to your pets, or just threats to leave? It would be wise to come up with a plan so that you can set a boundary and not have to stick around while he rages at you. Because he's going to rage, and that is what you fear, I don't blame you for that. One thing that really opened my eyes about the abuse was a book called "why does he do that, inside the mind of controlling and abusive men" It would probably open your eyes a lot about what is going on in your relationship.

[Ceruleanblue]

I do actually leave now when he's like this. I left last night in fact after he got mad at me. He blew up because I asked him an innocent question. I thought it would blow over after he stormed off to take a shower. I came into the bedroom half hour later, and he still looks rageful and he gives me a loathing, scornful look, like I'm something he scraped off the bottom of his shoe, and shakes his head at me. I decided going to the store to get away from him is best. Now, mind you, we were in a snow storm, and I almost got stuck, but at least I wasn't being subjected to his hatred.

I've learned to walk away, go away, give him space, but sadly, that doesn't seem to work. Just seeing my face seems to bring it all back for him. Whatever reason it is that he's mad at me. He told me not long ago, that he thinks he sometimes has "bad days" and comes home and takes it out on me.

This morning, he again told me to "move out", "he's really done this time", "pack my sh*t and get out of his place". He also said it was ALL my fault. That I antagonize him on purpose, and that I trigger him, and that's all my fault. He says I should know what things will set him off. Trouble is, I don't, even with me avoiding so many things. Tiptoeing. Maybe it is all my fault? I know logically that it isn't, but he sure is convincing.

I don't in any way have low self esteem, as per my therapist, my mother, all who know me, but I stay for some reason. I'm trying to figure that out. I HATE, HATE, HATE defeat. Which is weird because I'm not overly competitive, or mind losing in a game or something. I just feel I should be able to use the tools to make this work, somehow!

He may come home and demand I move out. I don't deserve all this stress and uncertainty. I deserve a relationship without threats, and where someone doesn't just tear me down. I build him up, and tell him how glad I am we are still together.

I think you are right, his ex IS PD of some sort, and she was scary enough that he didn't cross her too far. According to all his family, he kissed her butt. He'd leave, she'd leave, but he'd always come back "for the kids". I think he'd come back because he enjoyed the chaos he helped created. I know more about their marriage than I ever wanted or needed to know. Yuck. Just yuck. Apparently she said "he'll make you crazy too". Well, no he won't. Stressed, sad, sometimes a little depressed, but not crazy.

I think he hates when I leave when he's "triggered" because it either sets off his fear of abandonment(which I'm not even sure he has), or because it wasn't HIS idea that I leave. He treats me like property.

[Cloudy Days]

I'm really trying to understand your reasons for staying too. If it were me, I would have walked away. I'm sure that is easy for an outsider to say but my husband is no peach but he's seems like an angel compared to your husband and honestly that is saying something because we are teetering on staying together at this point.

I honestly feel in my heart that we choose people that we think we deserve. If you think you deserve better than this then why do you put up with it? I know why I put up with my husband, I did have low self esteem, not all of me but parts of me felt I deserved him for one reason or another, we were both damaged so we fit together nicely. I was a proud person on the outside, I am very talented at Art and crafts type things, I am proud of the way I conduct myself around others. I was very smart and I was really good at any job I was asked to do. Anyone looking at me would say I had high self esteem. I was the overly nice person because that is the person I wanted to be. But that was 21 year old me and 10 years later I figured out after many heartbreaks that overly nice people get walked on. I was being overly nice so people would like me. My husband is not the only person who taught me this. I saw it in my father, he would do anything for his friends but his friends wouldn't do anything for him. You notice it when it is not yourself.

You can use all the tools in the world but if you don't change how you react to your husband, nothing is going to change. The way it was explained to me was that nothing will change as long as you are afraid to lose this relationship. Once you accept that the relationship is not as important as your self or your self worth then something sort of clicks. You have to be able to say to yourself that this relationship is not the most important thing. If he threatens to leave, if he asks you to leave or get out then go ahead and pack your stuff and leave. I've done it many times and he would always call and ask me to come back. He did it the other day and he backed down quickly when I actually started to leave. He knows what your weaknesses are, this used to be my weakness too until I got fed up with feeling like I wasn't wanted in my own home.

It is very clear you are walking on eggshells and it breaks my heart because I know what that feels like. Realizing that the relationship is not worth more than your own well being doesn't mean that you are giving up on the relationship. It is sort of the strength to actually do what needs to be done. You may very well loose your relationship, but is it worth being in, in the first place.

If you died right now, would you say you lived a happy and fulfilled life? My answer was no and that scared the heck out of me. It puts into perspective that you deserve happiness with or without this man. And I want you to think about what crazy actually is. Someone else said it, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It seems as if you are still doing the same thing over and over again, so in a sense you have gone crazy. I was a hot mess, I remember spending 1/2 of my therapy sessions crying because I was so unhappy but so unwilling to leave. I am not afraid of loosing my husband anymore and that is truly freedom, it cuts so many strings.

[Grey Kitty]

I do actually leave now when he's like this. I left last night in fact after he got mad at me. He blew up because I asked him an innocent question. I thought it would blow over after he stormed off to take a shower. I came into the bedroom half hour later, and he still looks rageful and he gives me a loathing, scornful look, like I'm something he scraped off the bottom of his shoe, and shakes his head at me. I decided going to the store to get away from him is best. Now, mind you, we were in a snow storm, and I almost got stuck, but at least I wasn't being subjected to his hatred.

I've learned to walk away, go away, give him space, but sadly, that doesn't seem to work. Just seeing my face seems to bring it all back for him. Whatever reason it is that he's mad at me. He told me not long ago, that he thinks he sometimes has "bad days" and comes home and takes it out on me.

[... .]

I think he hates when I leave when he's "triggered" because it either sets off his fear of abandonment(which I'm not even sure he has), or because it wasn't HIS idea that I leave. He treats me like property.

Here is what it comes down to. He gets upset. He takes it out on you as a coping mechanism.

As long as you make that available to him, he has no reason to find a better coping mechanism.

If you leave to get free of it... .but come back and take the emotional abuse later, he learns that as long as he is willing to wait it out, and crank the emotional abuse up to a high enough level, it still works for him.

If you are going to break this cycle, you have to let him be angry and raging as long as he needs to be, and be consistent about removing yourself from his company while he does it, and until he stops. (and ready to remove yourself immediately when he starts to launch into round 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6.) Otherwise it will continue.

 I know how hard it can be to do this, and I know that it is possible. I've done it, and I've seen others do it.

Are you ready to do something different?

[flourdust]

You can use all the tools in the world but if you don't change how you react to your husband, nothing is going to change. The way it was explained to me was that nothing will change as long as you are afraid to lose this relationship. Once you accept that the relationship is not as important as your self or your self worth then something sort of clicks. You have to be able to say to yourself that this relationship is not the most important thing. If he threatens to leave, if he asks you to leave or get out then go ahead and pack your stuff and leave. I've done it many times and he would always call and ask me to come back. He did it the other day and he backed down quickly when I actually started to leave. He knows what your weaknesses are, this used to be my weakness too until I got fed up with feeling like I wasn't wanted in my own home.

It is very clear you are walking on eggshells and it breaks my heart because I know what that feels like. Realizing that the relationship is not worth more than your own well being doesn't mean that you are giving up on the relationship. It is sort of the strength to actually do what needs to be done. You may very well loose your relationship, but is it worth being in, in the first place.

This is exactly right. (Core message is bolded above.)

As long as I was afraid of my wife leaving me, I always gave in. I might fight, argue, put up boundaries -- but they always crumbled because when push came to shove, I feared losing her more than I hated the abuse.

That changed when I decided that I hated the abuse more and I was willing to accept the consequences of stopping it. That didn't mean I wanted her to leave, but I wasn't going to surrender unilaterally whenever that threat appeared.

It took all the power away from her. She still raged, still made my life hell, but I enforced boundaries and didn't exert my energy convincing myself that I needed to make amends for her bad behavior.

Where did that take us ... .well, we just separated, and divorce is likely on the horizon. It's still painful. But I'm also so much more at peace with myself. I've made decisions that are true to my values. I didn't force this on her, but I didn't rescue her from the consequences of her behavior by making myself into her victim.

Also, it's so much quieter with her out of the house.

[Grey Kitty]

YES, one thousand times yes. When I realized I wasn't afraid of losing my marriage was when I was able to truly stand up and enforce boundaries in it.

My marriage survived, got MUCH better for a few years... .and is over now except for the final division/paperwork... .but that realization that *I* was more important than my marriage, while still wanting it to work was key.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I think you both raised excellent points. I need to stop letting fear run things. I'm still just afraid thought that I'll end up divorced, if I stop letting fear run things. I DO think I'm more important than the marriage itself, and I do think the abuse needs to stop. I'm dedicated to walking away when he starts the rages or verbal assaults, but I fear by doing so, he may also pull the plug, because he seems to "need" this outlet?

I guess if the marriage survives though, only because he needs someone to target, that isn't much of a marriage anyway. He can either get on board with my no longer taking the verbal abuse, or he can decide he no longer wants to be married(this happened last year). It's like when I stand up strongly for myself, he wants out of the marriage.

I think he wants a healthy marriage, but he's not willing to stop doing some things that are learned behaviors(or they are just due to the PD). I think he still thinks he can just mold or make me into the perfect doormat, and things will be great. If only I'd shut up, stop complaining about the abuse, things could be just great(I feel that's his thinking).

I do want to be treated better, but I guess I'm coming to realize if I stand strong, it may mean the end of my marriage, and that scares me. I guess that's something to address in my therapy today.

[Cloudy Days]

I do want to be treated better, but I guess I'm coming to realize if I stand strong, it may mean the end of my marriage, and that scares me. I guess that's something to address in my therapy today.

As long as you fear losing this abusive relationship, you will continue to be abused. Fear is a very powerful thing, it can make people kill, it can make people live in misery for their entire life, it can make people angry and it can trap people in an invisible cage. You are trapped in that invisible cage. I've been trapped in the invisible cage myself.

You need to stop thinking about what he "needs". What does CB need to be happy? If he needs to abuse you, then you don't need him because you are very obviously unhappy with how things are and what you want, does matter. But it's not going to matter to him as long as you are afraid of losing him.

[flourdust]

I do want to be treated better, but I guess I'm coming to realize if I stand strong, it may mean the end of my marriage, and that scares me. I guess that's something to address in my therapy today.

This is the big question. It's the question I wrestled with, too.

Assume you can only have one:

a) Your marriage to BPDh

b) A life where you are not abused and mistreated

Which would you choose?

I chose b. I didn't want divorce. Ideally, I would like b AND a together. But if I can only have one, I want b more.

[Verbena]

I understand that you do not want to be divorced again.  But really, is staying married to a person like your husband a goal you should be striving for?  He is a deeply disturbed, sadistic, nasty individual.  God could change him in a heartbeat, but you never will. 

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, I think you both raised excellent points. I need to stop letting fear run things. I'm still just afraid thought that I'll end up divorced, if I stop letting fear run things. I DO think I'm more important than the marriage itself, and I do think the abuse needs to stop. I'm dedicated to walking away when he starts the rages or verbal assaults, but I fear by doing so, he may also pull the plug, because he seems to "need" this outlet?

You are 90% of the way there, but at some level you aren't sure you for you being single and free from abuse is worth more than being married and abused.

I know that I liked myself a lot more when I got 100% of the way there.

Re: him "needing" this outlet. I don't think it is quite that way. Here's what I think.

He DOES use that as a coping mechanism for his own issues. It is his favorite/best one, and he will continue to use it... .until you take it away from him, by not being there to be abused by him.

Only after you take it away, will he look for better coping mechanisms.

Correction... .only after he has a meltdown/extinction burst because his coping mechanism no longer works will he even start looking for better ways.

It is possible he will decide that he needs to leave you instead of finding a better coping mechanism, but I'd bet otherwise. ... .and I'd bet that this time of him "looking" will be a challenge for both you and him. I lived through some really harsh ones my wife went through in the same way. I won't lie--it WAS tough on me and tough to watch what she put herself through as well.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I'm probably an odd duck, but I've always really genuinely liked myself. I'm not perfect, sure, but I accept my flaws, and those I can work on I do, and the rest I just accept.

I don't think I'll like myself better if I leave him, because I don't get my sense of "self" from him. I'm pretty centered in regards to who, and what I am.

I left an abusive relationship before, and I didn't "like" myself any better for having done so. It was simply something I had to do, because I knew my worth, and I knew it wasn't getting better. I was married for 19 years to a verbally abusive man, and I never let him damage my self esteem. He could hurt me, but inside, it was like that was untouchable. I answer to God, and I feel I have this unshakable core.

Now, if my parents said something hurtful, that would be different. That could damage my self esteem, because I know they are good people. I trust them, and I know they tell me the truth. I guess I just have learned to not let others speak into my personhood.

Maybe that's part of what's made it possible for me to stay. I don't feel if my marriage fails that I'll have damaged self esteem. If anything, I think I've learned a lot. Some of which I wish I hadn't had to learn, but it's still molded me, and I now know more than I did going in. In lots of ways, I'm stronger.

It's funny, because it feels like his goal is to knock me down sometimes, but it fails because his opinion of me doesn't matter to me like it would if he were an emotionally healthy, kind man. He has good qualities, but his judgement of ME is clearly biased. I can still see his good qualities, even when he's raging or acting out. In fact, I try to remind myself of them, because it's pretty hard to remember when he's on one of these dowslides he's been on.

I don't know if our marriage will survive, but "I" will.

[Grey Kitty]

Well, I'm probably an odd duck, but I've always really genuinely liked myself. I'm not perfect, sure, but I accept my flaws, and those I can work on I do, and the rest I just accept.

I don't think I'll like myself better if I leave him, because I don't get my sense of "self" from him. I'm pretty centered in regards to who, and what I am.

What you say is more in line with what I was trying to say.

I too always liked and accepted myself.

When I said I liked myself more, I meant that when I stood up to the abuse and enforced boundaries consistently... .instead of when I was fearful and let myself be abused. Which I was trying to say you are almost all the way there, with just a bit more work.

I wasn't saying I liked myself more after my marriage ended. I was very unhappy for a while, but it didn't really change how I felt about myself through that.

[Cloudy Days]

I see leaving as similar to giving up a drug, you may like yourself more after you are completely done with the process and that takes awhile, but when you first step away from it you are going to go through a lot of turmoil in many ways. You get something out of the drama or you wouldn't have stayed, it's as simple as that. You get something out of the use of drugs too but look at what it can do to your life. When you walk away from an addiction of any sort (and your relationship is sort of like an addiction) you are going to be unhappy for a while unless you take the steps to heal from what the relationship did to you. You may say that what he says and does doesn't affect you on the inside but it clearly does because you come to these boards to vent about it.

Can I ask, how quickly did you get into your current relationship after you left your last husband?

Also I agree that when my husband says something mean to me I don't take it as personally as I would if it were someone who I knew was sane and loved me, like my family. That would be pretty devastating. So it's a good thing you can look at it that way, but the words still sting and I have learned while I may be able to say I have thick skin it does create emotional scars even if I don't notice them until much later. I even notice myself having PTSD reaction while driving in a car with him. He hasn't had a road rage outburst in probably 3 years but I still grip the handle and my heart races, even though he is driving normal.

[Ceruleanblue]

It was roughly five years after my first husband and I separated that I met and later married BPDh. I had relationships in the interim, and sort of worked through some of my stuff in therapy. I had a couple really bad relationships that I got out of during this time, and definitely had an idea of what I wanted and didn't want. I also had one really good relationship, and I definitely wanted to end up in a relationship of that nature. I thought I was. I thought BPDh was all the things he represented, and I definitely thought I knew the red flags to look for. I even questioned his kids, who at that time were only being loyal to him(and hating their Mom, which I discouraged in them).

For the life of me, I can't see it as a "drug" because I don't feel I get any good "high" from it. I'm definitely not addicted to the drama, but I do feel that BPDh may be. I think at the least, it feels "normal" to him, and when things get too calm, he stirs up things, or things don't feel right to him. When he and I met and first started dating, I often said I just want peace, and to be surrounded by people who aren't angry and threatening. Ironic, huh?

Maybe I shouldn't have told him that? Maybe it gave him a formula to follow? He knew how to "act" and what I wanted, and he became that for a while? I look back on that time, and think of him as a chameleon, or snake(one seems kinder). Once he had me, he shed his "skin" like a snake, and the real him came out. To say I was shocked, is putting it too mildly.

I do come here to vent, and get ideas, but I honestly do not let it hurt me inside, or change my view of myself. It makes me sad that HE truly seems to believe a lot of the crap he's spewing at me, that his perspective is so skewed, but I don't take it into my person-hood. I learned very early on in my first marriage that I couldn't do that. I'd have never survived 19 years with my ex if I had. Also, therapy after that marriage ended really showed me that I was codependent, and that I was only half the marriage, and that I probably should have left him. I was actually only staying until my kids were grown, because that time around, I definitely always knew I wanted OUT. He refused any sort of help, and he had severe anger too(no PD though, I don't think), and he had huge sexual issues(likely gay).

Also I agree that when my husband says something mean to me I don't take it as personally as I would if it were someone who I knew was sane and loved me, like my family. That would be pretty devastating. So it's a good thing you can look at it that way, but the words still sting and I have learned while I may be able to say I have thick skin it does create emotional scars even if I don't notice them until much later. I even notice myself having PTSD reaction while driving in a car with him. He hasn't had a road rage outburst in probably 3 years but I still grip the handle and my heart races, even though he is driving normal.

Posted on: March 15, 2016, 11:53:10 PM

Thick skin, is a good term for it. Also, like you, I don't take it so personally, because frankly, I don't respect his judgement. He is too soft on those who treat him like crap, but too harsh on those who treat him well. To me, that really speaks of how he must view himself inside? Why would I take what he says about ME, to heart? He's my harshest judge and definitely has skewed perspective, and I try not to JADE anymore(still slip sometimes). And as for the road rage, I'm fine until he starts driving really aggressively when he's angry. It's his divorce threats that were always hardest to live with, along with the anger.

I'm getting better with dealing with my fear though, and I think he's sensed that. My marriage ending is no longer the scariest thing to me, and although I'm still wanting it to work out, I can also see how nice it would be to not have to tiptoe, or always be wondering when his next outburst will be. Being alone definitely doesn't scare me like it used to either. He's been acting insecure, and "some" better since he's sensed this shift in my fear... .

Which leads me to wonder if he'll just change tactics.

[Cloudy Days]

\For the life of me, I can't see it as a "drug" because I don't feel I get any good "high" from it. I'm definitely not addicted to the drama, but I do feel that BPDh may be. I think at the least, it feels "normal" to him, and when things get too calm, he stirs up things, or things don't feel right to him. When he and I met and first started dating, I often said I just want peace, and to be surrounded by people who aren't angry and threatening. Ironic, huh?

Maybe I shouldn't have told him that? Maybe it gave him a formula to follow? He knew how to "act" and what I wanted, and he became that for a while? I look back on that time, and think of him as a chameleon, or snake(one seems kinder). Once he had me, he shed his "skin" like a snake, and the real him came out. To say I was shocked, is putting it too mildly.

A couple things... .If you really get nothing out of your relationship, then why are you trying to stay? I wasn't saying the bad stuff was like a drug, the relationship as a whole is like a drug, the ups and downs of it. If you have no ups, really why are you trying to fix it? Think of when you broke up last time, did it feel like you were withdrawing from something? The fact that you took him back and agreed to terms you didn't really want to agree to seems like you wanted your fix (drug) back. You may not understand the analogy, or maybe you have never seen drug behavior so you can't relate to it but it really is like a drug. It was important for me to make that connection for myself because my family is full of addicts and It was a big deal for me to realize that behavior in myself so that I could break the behavior.

The other thing I really wanted to say is that you are getting stuck on what he once was when you first met him. The chameleon that you describe is called mirroring. When a BPD first meets someone they mirror their behavior (it really is chameleon like) so you end up thinking this person is the best thing since sliced bread because they are matching your behaviors. My husband liked the same music I liked, the same foods, he liked doing everything that I liked to do, he was caring, sensitive and was frankly too good to be true. He mirrored everything about me. 10 years later and he's a very picky eater, he doesn't like the same music I like and he pretty much doesn't like doing anything I like doing, he's not the same person. I was a constant concert goer when I met him and that was one of the first things we did together and now he hates concerts. Just an example of once they get comfortable they stop trying to please you and drop the façade.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I can't really say that BPDh "mirrored" me, but I know what you mean by that. It's more like I told him what I wanted and didn't want, just in the normal, getting to know each other phase, and I think he became that. And really, how would I know he was doing that? We had some things in common, but he also had his own interests.

I don't think I wanted the "drug" or high or the toxic relationship back. I totally hate the highs and lows, and my FOO is not at all like that, and this all feels so foreign to me. I think why I took him back was because while he had all these crazy "conditions", he also seemed to have realized that "single life" wasn't the orgy he thought it would be, and he agreed to get some help for his anger and "moods". He followed through on that. I think I took him back on his potential, which I see now is crazy.

I mean, he could get a lot better, and he has gotten "some" better, but he's still very resistant to change, and he still threatens(he'd stopped for six months), and he blames. He could get better, and have a happier life, for himself, but he's stuck where he's at, because he doesn't really apply himself to the work. Plus, when he's mad his DBT skills fly out the window. DBT or any therapy only work if you use it.

I've done the things I promised, and kept my end of the bargain we struck. A lot of the things he demanded, frankly he saw that they didn't work: me apologizing to his daughters, didn't help one bit, and now he regrets that I was hurt by that(and that I was right all along that I shouldn't have to apologize when I hadn't done anything, and more importantly, that it wouldn't HELP). He also got bored with the whole bondage/dominant sex when I wouldn't let him outright hurt me anymore. Still, I gave it a good try, and it could have been "fun", but he took it too far.

I've continued to work on myself, but he refuses to notice, or give credit. I deserve a partner who notices nice things about me, dang it! I text him or tell him nice things about HIM, a lot. I try to build him up, but it's like spitting in the wind. Useless. It just comes back and bites me. I'd die to have him say nice things to me, or treat me as I do him, but he's either unwilling or doesn't know how.

I packed my clothes, and I'm not unpacking them unless things get a lot better around here. I've been looking casually at apartments. I wouldn't have even done that a few months ago. I want peace, and I want a good relationship. I'm doing all I can do to not be reactive, walk away, be respectful, and love him even when he's frankly unlovable.

It's either going to get better, or it's not. I can't take up any more slack, and I feel now, the choice is on him. If this is a drug(and I'm sorry that I'm not seeing that connection, because I just don't feel I actually feel the need to feel this way), then it's a drug I want to come off of. I want healthy. I want peace.

[Grey Kitty]

  CB, you sound like you've got one foot already out the door... .and only a couple toes on the other one left inside.

[Cloudy Days]

CB, I think you aren't getting the drug connection because you are sick of the dysfunction so you are ready to let it go. Someone with an addiction can only let it go when they are ready to do it, that's why people relapse so often. Maybe the first time you two split you weren't quite ready to split and this time you know you want better. You are in a better place, more emotionally stable than before so you get it that this relationship isn't as important as you and your own well being.

The whole point to the analogy was that you keep going back to what is making you unhappy for one reason or another and now you are ready to let it go. It's a big step and its a very good thing.