Other family members pregnant

[maxsterling]

My BPD SIL is pregnant.  I found out through my brother when she was only about 5-6 weeks.  I chose to keep that information to myself because I would rather my brother or his wife make the announcement to my wife.  Basically, I had fear that the news would send my wife off the deep end, and that I was in a no-win situation. Tell her, and she is mad that she heard through me.  Don't tell her, and she is mad that I knew before her.

So, about a month later, my SIL told my wife through text message.  Wife was initially happy, but by the next morning was upset and jealous.  So she went back to SIL and told SIL that she was hurt.  BPD SIL then exploded, revealed that I had already known for weeks, then W exploded at me. 

It blew over after a few days, but W has decided to isolate herself.  I felt like I had done the wrong thing by not telling her earlier.  But later I recognized when I told her would have made no difference for her response.  Last weekend W was going to get her hair cut, until she found out her hairdresser was pregnant.  Then she got upset and cancelled.  Later she told me she doesn't go to AA meetings anymore because she is afraid of running into a pregnant woman.  So, it's not about when/how/why my W found out my SIL is pregnant - the same reaction would have happened.

Today, I find out on the way to work, via text message, that my other SIL is pregnant.   I immediately told my W, via text message, while she was at work.  I didn't want the same situation to happen again where I knew but she didn't.  And she is just as upset and blaming me... .

uggh.

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[Notwendy]

Max, your wife is naturally going to feel some distress over this news, no matter how she finds out about it. If her tendency is to blame and project, no matter how you tell her, this is likely to happen. It has nothing to do with you. You might also consider letting someone else tell her themselves. You don't have to be the go between. "Congratulations, please tell W the good news" 

[Notwendy]

One time we had to tell my mother something that we knew would make her angry. So, one of my sibs hesitated, and eventually it got to where we had to tell her. ( it was about her being left out of a social event). So, one sib told her, and she blew up about it.

Later on, talking to her, she said " I can't believe you didn't tell me. I had to find out from "Sib". My reply  since she had calmed down and it had been a while- was that, one of us had to tell her first. If it had been me, she would be saying to the sibs" I can't believe you didn't tell me... ." Surprisingly, she got the idea. But the reality is that, no matter how she was told, the news would make her angry and she would blame us.

Your wife is upset about this reminder of her difficulties conceiving. This is very understandable. It is the news that upsets her, blaming the delivery of the news is a projection. However, this is a very sensitive topic- and one that would naturally be difficult for anyone in her situation.

[maxsterling]

Wendy - you are exactly right.  It's not easy news.  But I did nothing wrong, no matter hat she says.  No matter when I told her, she would have told me I was insensitive and that my timing was bad.  The reaction would have been the same.  It's not my fault she cried at work.  If I was dealing with an emotionally healthy person, this would not be an issue.  And being the one who is supposed to tell her feels like being placed in the drama triangle. 

[Notwendy]

You can bow out of being the messenger in between. There is no reason the relative can not tell your wife. You could say " how wonderful- could you please tell W the good news?". If it is someone who knows you better, and you should tell her,  then you can relay the information. It is only being the go-between is you are taking some responsibility for her feelings and trying to decide how/the best way to break the news. Rather than focus on that, consider finding the time that is best for you. For instance, not when you are tired, have to get to work, or stuck in the car. Somewhere/time when you can take care of yourself during a reaction.