Mementos, the memory box, and holding on

[tryingsome]

So my ex wBPD has always had scrapbooks and a memory box, so when we separated I knew I would end up in one.

Now, I was surprised to see how much junk she put in there. It almost looked like a mad dash to keep old memories.

There are even pictures on my family (without us in them) which I found to be odd. It is like she is a pirate and plundered my life.

But the weird part of all this is she is so cold and distant to me.

I have to deal with her daily because of children, but I find the disconnect between real-life and fantasy (the memory box) to be disheartening.

It is like her life is tied up in fiction.

Your experiences?

[Lonely_Astro]

My ex (J) didnt keep a box, per se.  She uses her phone.  She has HUNDREDS of photos that she goes through on a regular basis (when I say regular, I mean at least twice a day).  This, of course, got worse when I discovered that she was very active on Instagram and SnapChat.  It's like she needed to see the photos of people to remember they existed.  Yes, I understand that pwBPD have object constancy issues.  So, I understood why she was always so infatuated with photos.  With that said, J displays heavy N traits as well, so she was always looking at photos of herself.

I did notice that she kept a small gift I gave her 4 years ago (small but meaningful) on her desk at work.  I asked her when we reconnected why she had kept it (and specifically there, where she would see it every day).  She told me it reminded her of me and that when she thought of me she realized the love she let get away.  That's funny to me now because she let that love get away for a second time and doesnt seem to have minded, just like the first time.  I gave her several mementos while we were together.  I have no idea if she still has them.

J has asked me on several occasions if I still have/use the gifts she gave me.  When I told her I had placed them in a box for a later time because using/seeing them was painful for me, she became upset.  She said to me "I don't know why you won't use them.  It's not like they have my face on them or anything to remind you they came from me."  That pretty much summed up lack of object permanency.  If she didn't see your face, you didn't exist based on that logic.

[Confused108]

My ex kept a box also. I never knew that 28 years ago she had taken a picture of me the last time I ever saw her. She kept it all these years and I had never knew it even existed. But then again I know she kept pictures of every ex she had so no surprise there. I had sent her flowers 2x and each time it came with a stuffed animal and of course a note by me. After she dumped me I had asked for them back bc I did t want her to keep me as part of her sick collection. Well she claims she threw my notes out and took the 2 stuffed animals down the street to the local Shelter because she didn't want them around. I doubt she kept anything I sent her. Just like I don't know why she still keeps my pic from 14 yo. It's crazy!

[MapleBob]

Here's a good story for you: right after my recent uBPDex ended things with me we had a period of no contact, maybe six weeks or so, before we started talking again. During that six weeks she had apparently convinced her parents to take some of the gifts I had given her to a thrift store for donation. A few days after that she called her parents to find out where they had taken these items and she went there and repurchased them.

The last time we talked (seven weeks ago) I asked her if she still had them and she very sweetly, shyly, almost in embarrassment, said that she did. And then she said goodbye to me, possibly forever.

Long story short: who knows why they do what they do?

[Learning Fast]

Check this one out----

My ex got rid of everything that I gave to her (and like many on this site, I gave her many thoughtful and personalized gifts) except... .

Two cocktail napkins where I drew examples depicting how she shields her "real self" by projecting a "false self" represented by what she thinks I want to see.  This was the closest that I ever got to a discussion about her feelings, vulnerabilities and inner self.

She keeps these in her purse and even sent me a photo of them a couple of months ago.  This is the kind of stuff that would leave a trained and experienced therapist scratching their head.

LF

[Lonely_Astro]

Here's a good story for you: right after my recent uBPDex ended things with me we had a period of no contact, maybe six weeks or so, before we started talking again. During that six weeks she had apparently convinced her parents to take some of the gifts I had given her to a thrift store for donation. A few days after that she called her parents to find out where they had taken these items and she went there and repurchased them.

The last time we talked (seven weeks ago) I asked her if she still had them and she very sweetly, shyly, almost in embarrassment, said that she did. And then she said goodbye to me, possibly forever.

Long story short: who knows why they do what they do?

The only thing consistent with a pwBPD is they're inconsistent.

[troisette]

His house was covered in photographs and cards, no memory boxes that I know of.

I began to wonder if they were markers for him, to be able to connect with who he is, the many stages of his past life.

The more I think about it, the more valid this seems. As though the photos and cards prove to him that he exists.

Just a thought... .

[Confused108]

My ex would say that she often would look at my pictures on Facebook from our younger years to  recapture her feelings for me? I told her I had felt that she was in love with the 14 / 15 yo version of me, and not the adult I became.

[tryingsome]

Mine also put a photograph of me when I was 10 in the box. I am not even sure where she got the picture.

But this was a good 25 years before we even met, it is quite strange she would want that image.

[C.Stein]

Mine told me she was going to delete everything.  Given how she easily deleted me from her life like I never existed I don't doubt that she did.

[Fr4nz]

So my ex wBPD has always had scrapbooks and a memory box, so when we separated I knew I would end up in one.

Now, I was surprised to see how much junk she put in there. It almost looked like a mad dash to keep old memories.

There are even pictures on my family (without us in them) which I found to be odd. It is like she is a pirate and plundered my life.

But the weird part of all this is she is so cold and distant to me.

I have to deal with her daily because of children, but I find the disconnect between real-life and fantasy (the memory box) to be disheartening.

It is like her life is tied up in fiction.

Your experiences?

This has to do with the "object permancence" issue, which is typical among BPDs.

My ex (J) didnt keep a box, per se.  She uses her phone.  She has HUNDREDS of photos that she goes through on a regular basis (when I say regular, I mean at least twice a day).  This, of course, got worse when I discovered that she was very active on Instagram and SnapChat.  It's like she needed to see the photos of people to remember they existed.  Yes, I understand that pwBPD have object constancy issues.  So, I understood why she was always so infatuated with photos.  With that said, J displays heavy N traits as well, so she was always looking at photos of herself.

Yeah, they do this to remind you; as you said, it's about the "object permanence" issue. My ex, for example, kept bottles of wine (she's a sommellier) she drank with some of her exes (let's say, the most important ones); other stuff she kept were: clothes, jewelry, and books. She often dressed a pair of earrings she received as a gift from one of her exes.

In any case, it is as if they need to "compartimentalize" the old stuff once they finish things abruptly, but then they need to keep, somehow, a "connection" with their old exes, and they do this by storing past "mementos" (I have to say I do this too, up to a certain extent). So, even if they cut you completely out from their lives, they have mementos to remind you in their head. Pretty melancholic... .

I did notice that she kept a small gift I gave her 4 years ago (small but meaningful) on her desk at work.  I asked her when we reconnected why she had kept it (and specifically there, where she would see it every day).  She told me it reminded her of me and that when she thought of me she realized the love she let get away.  

That's funny to me now because she let that love get away for a second time and doesnt seem to have minded, just like the first time.  I gave her several mementos while we were together.  I have no idea if she still has them.

It makes perfectly sense in the BPD logic They act out on impulses, and they often realize too late the extent of the damages they caused, as well as what they have lost.

However, pride and shame prevent them to go back and fix the situation; instead, they prefer to move on, with the fantasy that the next relationship will be the "ONE".

To this end, you may want to listen to an Eagle's song, Wasted Time... .it pretty nails the point :D

[C.Stein]

However, pride and shame prevent them to go back and fix the situation; instead, they prefer to move on, with the fantasy that the next relationship will be the "ONE".

That is pretty much how it went down with my ex, but I don't think there was pride involved ... .fear and shame probably, maybe a little ego/pride.  It's too bad because if she could just find a way to take responsibility for her hurtful actions and actually make an attempt to fix what she breaks she might have a chance at some small measure of happiness.  I doubt that will happen though, it didn't happen with us and instead of repairing what she broke she just latched onto the next viable "clean slate" who validated her ... .then threw the broken, damaged me away.  Of course none of that happened without blaming me for everything, of that I am fairly certain.  Yup, the love of my life threw me away like a piece of trash and has given me as much thought as your typical piece of trash.  Whatever stuff she kept that I gave her was not because they remind her of me but rather because she has a use for them.