I broke up with my pwBPD, yet, I feel ___py now.

[maddlove]

Our relationship was not healthy at all. We didn't love each other. I'm codependent and she's pwBPD, I felt verbally abused on a daily basis.

It lasted a year and 3 months. After finding out about my own disorder (codependency) and hers (borderline) I was scared out of my mind. I questioned everything. I put up with so much crap from her that any other guy would run for the hills screaming and never look back.

So, I took my important stuff out of the house, left a letter, called her dad to come be with her in case she does anything stupid and hauled ass. Everything went ok, (except for the part she took stuff I bought with her, but it doesn't matter).

I'm glad she's gone, I realize it's a toxic relationship that was not good for me at all. Yet, I feel this emptiness now. I feel sorrow, like I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I feel utterly defeated.

No matter how hard I tried to change her, she wouldn't change and that led it to the break up, and that makes me feel very defeated. I was sure I could fix her.

Then I found out that I can't go around fixing people, I can only change how I deal with different types of individuals. I've now learned to recognize the traits of borderline and next time I'll be sure to run for the hills.

I hope this feeling goes away soon. After all, I didn't love her, when I looked at her all I wanted to do was protect her from harm and take her under my wing.

[Turkish]

I hope this feeling goes away soon. After all, I didn't love her, when I looked at her all I wanted to do was protect her from harm and take her under my wing.

Why do you say that? Did you feel that you did at one time, I mean, really feel it?

[maddlove]

I hope this feeling goes away soon. After all, I didn't love her, when I looked at her all I wanted to do was protect her from harm and take her under my wing.

Why do you say that? Did you feel that you did at one time, I mean, really feel it?

I don't know if I've ever felt it at all. Only went out with a handful of people, she was the 6th person stretched across 12 years (I'm 29 now). So I kept asking myself, "is this normal?" "is this ok?" "is what she's doing normal?"

I can't recognize what love is yet.

[Turkish]

I sruggled with "is this normal?" from the very beginning. I ran things by both men and women in my life (for a balanced perspective), but I remember thinking, "this shouldn't be so hard!" and that was before we moved in together, had a kid a year later, etc.

I've only seen a select few members here express feelings similar to yours, which feel familiar. For me, I'm not sure if I was ever "in love" with her. I felt frustrated and angry from the first date, where she first demonstrated the push-pull... She admitted in the end that what she perceived as her love for me was need (Daddy). I thought, "aha!" But then turned that back towards myself.

I was determined to prove that I would me the man she could trust (she doesn't trust men, despite needing desperately to be valued by them). That, on my part, wasn't love either, but my own need.

So here I am, two years later, still single. Sometimes I feel like I don't trust women, but I think that it's more that I don't trust myself.

[maddlove]

I sruggled with "is this normal?" from the very beginning. I ran things by both men and women in my life (for a balanced perspective), but I remember thinking, "this shouldn't be so hard!" and that was before we moved in together, had a kid a year later, etc.

I've only seen a select few members here express feelings similar to yours, which feel familiar. For me, I'm not sure if I was ever "in love" with her. I felt frustrated and angry from the first date, where she first demonstrated the push-pull... She admitted in the end that what she perceived as her love for me was need (Daddy). I thought, "aha!" But then turned that back towards myself.

I was determined to prove that I would me the man she could trust (she doesn't trust men, despite needing desperately to be valued by them). That, on my part, wasn't love either, but my own need.

So here I am, two years later, still single. Sometimes I feel like I don't trust women, but I think that it's more that I don't trust myself.

I hear you. I had a major fight with my ex in the beginning because she said I didn't give her enough attention (we texted almost 24 hours a day). I was 100% sure I wanted to break up back then, then she messages me saying her period is late. I got scared and went to the pharmacy to pick up a pregnancy test. She made the meeting happen at a motel room. She did the text (negative) and then seduced me sexually. She later admitted she lied about her period being late so she could see me and seduce me. I didn't know how to feel when she told me the truth months later. I let it slide when I probably shouldn't have.

[Isa_lala]

Maddlove, I just broke up with my bf too.

On my side, I am sure that I have loved him for real. However, because of this love I accepted from him behaviours that wee not acceptable.

Is loving supposed to make us do that? No

So there was love for him, not for me and maybe codependency

Why do you say you have never loved her?

[maddlove]

Maddlove, I just broke up with my bf too.

On my side, I am sure that I have loved him for real. However, because of this love I accepted from him behaviours that wee not acceptable.

Is loving supposed to make us do that? No

So there was love for him, not for me and maybe codependency

Why do you say you have never loved her?

It may have been love (at least from my part), I accepted her as she was, however, there's a limit of abuse and false accusations a human being can take. I'm now questioning whether there was any love at all. I don't have enough experience to say, 'yeah, what I felt was love'. What I felt was a strong sense to wanna protect her and take care of her, is that love? I don't know. I now understand that I have codependency, however, before I knew what I had I actually carried the strong feeling to do stuff for other people and disregard my feelings, doesn't matter if I like what we were doing or not, I did it out of FOG (fear obligation guilt).

How long were you guys together, was it a live in relationship?

[tryingsome]

Madlove, I know what you mean by you never loved her.

I was in a relationship with real love before. Mutual respect, kindness, understanding, joy and the thought of making each other better people.

With the person with BPD this type of love was absent.

But over the years, I did love this person. It wasn't a relationship/marriage love.

It was more akin to a parent/child kind of love. Still very bonding, still very powerful.

But as adults we don't look to marry a child.

Not sure if you felt the same way.

Sometimes I think codependency develops, because we are looking for an adult type of love that does not exist.

We deny that it does not exists and so we start down the codependency route to prove if we bend more that it will exist.

We believe that this love will mature. We give more of ourselves to prove it.

We deny what is actually happening. I think (normally non-codependent people) become codependent in these types of relationships because of this.

Just my two cents.

[Isa_lala]

Maddlove, I just broke up with my bf too.

On my side, I am sure that I have loved him for real. However, because of this love I accepted from him behaviours that wee not acceptable.

Is loving supposed to make us do that? No

So there was love for him, not for me and maybe codependency

Why do you say you have never loved her?

It may have been love (at least from my part), I accepted her as she was, however, there's a limit of abuse and false accusations a human being can take. I'm now questioning whether there was any love at all. I don't have enough experience to say, 'yeah, what I felt was love'. What I felt was a strong sense to wanna protect her and take care of her, is that love? I don't know. I now understand that I have codependency, however, before I knew what I had I actually carried the strong feeling to do stuff for other people and disregard my feelings, doesn't matter if I like what we were doing or not, I did it out of FOG (fear obligation guilt).

How long were you guys together, was it a live in relationship?

we had been together for more than 3 years, we moved in my place together 3 months ago and the co living was the worst I could expect. So I slowly realized that his issues will never be fixed, that I will never change him. As you said ("Then I found out that I can't go around fixing people, I can only change how I deal with different types of individuals" I know now that I cannot change others. I only can support them should they want to change.

you may have loved her, but the kind of love she was able to give you is not the healthy one. Tryingsome resumed it very well: "Mutual respect, kindness, understanding, joy and the thought of making each other better people".

when your partner doesn't want to know even a bite of your past life just because they are scared of what they might hear, that's not healthy. Love is accepting the person as she/he is and loving the person for what she/he is.

[Turkish]

My ex told me, "I realize how much I did wrong... ." Yet when I saw her treating her husband disrespectfully in public, I realized that her introspection is worthless without change. I also observed him to shut down like I used to. Sad.

[Isa_lala]

My ex told me, "I realize how much I did wrong... ." Yet when I saw her treating her husband disrespectfully in public, I realized that her introspection is worthless without change. I also observed him to shut down like I used to. Sad.

My BF told me the same thing, that if he could do he would do differently... .very not sure of that... .and realizing that we need to change things doesn't mean that we will... .

[Turkish]

My ex told me, "I realize how much I did wrong... ." Yet when I saw her treating her husband disrespectfully in public, I realized that her introspection is worthless without change. I also observed him to shut down like I used to. Sad.

My BF told me the same thing, that if he could do he would do differently... .very not sure of that... .and realizing that we need to change things doesn't mean that we will... .

  Saying is so much easier than doing, as it doesn't require commitment. Of course it goes for anybody, not just pwBPD. That's why I don't make New Year's resolutions 

[maddlove]

But over the years, I did love this person. It wasn't a relationship/marriage love.

It was more akin to a parent/child kind of love. Still very bonding, still very powerful.

But as adults we don't look to marry a child.

Not sure if you felt the same way.

Holy crap, that's precisely what I felt, like I was having a father/daughter relationship. She felt PRECISELY like my daughter and NOT like my partner. I agree with you, very bonding and very powerful. But it can also be highly taxing maintaining a relationship like that with an adult.

I felt I like I was the father of a 30 year old (She's older than me).