All I can think about is the good memories

[freefox]

Right now, all I seem to be able to think about is the good memories... .falling in love, fun trips and events, times when we were really connecting, inside jokes, our beautiful and romantic wedding and honeymoon... and I feel such deep sadness and grief. The reality is still there of course, but my heart seems caught up. Maybe it's because my uBPDh keeps texting me and telling me how much he has changed and all the ways he is going to make our marriage better?

What are your experiences? How are you coping?

[Driver]

Right now, all I seem to be able to think about is the good memories... .falling in love, fun trips and events, times when we were really connecting, inside jokes, our beautiful and romantic wedding and honeymoon... and I feel such deep sadness and grief. The reality is still there of course, but my heart seems caught up. Maybe it's because my uBPDh keeps texting me and telling me how much he has changed and all the ways he is going to make our marriage better?

What are your experiences? How are you coping?

Going through the same hell. Thinking of positive things and have hard time to persuade myself that there were devastatingly negative things, as if all the negative things were unreal. Wishful thinking. Sigh.

[tryingsome]

Most people only remember the good memories.

This is healthy. Far better to be optimistic than pessimistic.

It allows you to go into the next relationship with the thought of it being good.

It allows you to believe life will get better, that there is always a silver lining.

I'll give you a secret.

The pwBPD thinks more about the bad memories.

Yes, they think about the good times, but they are predominately occupied with the bad.

Think of all the stories the pwBPD told you. Were they mostly good stories or bad stories?

This is one way I cope. Knowing that I am looking forward.

Knowing that I believe in forgiveness.

Knowing I can make my life better.

But yes, I do think about all the good times we had.

And only those matter to me.

When I look back on my life, I want to remember the good times.

The bad times are there to teach.

The good times are there to remember.

[luckyescape]

Feel your pain. I am doing the same at the minute. Trying to work out if i could have helped him better, did i try hard enough? Thinking of the good times - i liken it to having a child with autism (which i do) - the good times you hold onto those so dearly because there is so much drama inbetween. One day at a time x we will all live happy eventually x

[steelwork]

I don't know if this will help, but try writing down all the red flags you can think of, in as much detail as you can. When did you first notice, or what were good examples of, the impulsivity, abandonment fears, distorted thinking, projection, etc etc. What were things they said or did that seemed weird but harmless at the time? Not so harmless? What were the things you fought about, and how did those fights go? When were you confused about what was happening?

[Anez]

If good memories come up I instantly back them up with a bad memory - she ruined my marriage, hurt me really badly, and threw me away. It's hard but over time those thoughts are helping rewire my brain. You gotta look at their whole entire picture and see them for who they really are. My T keeps pounding that into my head "seeing her whole picture" as well as "she doesn't have what it takes to ever be in a lasting relationship with you."

I think of those things and I get better. but it hasn't been overnight.

[SmarterNow]

These two articles are helpful... .on this site "My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder." and "Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality".  Bottom line is that your memories were not really shared - at least not in the same way -  and that takes the shine off of those memories.  You created memories from a healthy place and they did not.  Their motives were different.   I have awesome memories that I can no longer enjoy... .like Anez ... .they are washed over with how they have been cheapened by all of the other things.  The articles are helpful in this regard.  I hate to be a buzzkill... .those memories are tainted... .as are mine.  It sucks really. 

[freefox]

Going through the same hell. Thinking of positive things and have hard time to persuade myself that there were devastatingly negative things, as if all the negative things were unreal. Wishful thinking. Sigh.

I know what you mean... .the feeling that it wasn't real... with you in this friend.

[freefox]

The bad times are there to teach.

The good times are there to remember.

 this. Thank you.

[freefox]

luckyescape   yes we will indeed. Thanks for the support.

[freefox]

steelwork: I will definitely try that. I saw a post last week where people were listing the things they wouldn't miss about their pwBPD, and I made a list myself in my journal. It had like 40 items... .very telling I will try this too.

Anez & SmarterNow: thank you for that truth... very helpful ideas and a reminder to keep a realistic perspective. Appreciate the replies!

[SmarterNow]

Freefox... .It is a bit of a kick in the teeth learning that the moments were more special to us than them.  I hate that... .  They were so good.  Damn... .I feel for you.  And I'm sad and had an evening of really missing her tonight... .I just didn't think of the special moments.  I ached badly... .But I move quickly past the "moments".  I guess it helps... .It must, right?

[Beacher]

Recently have been thinking of the good times, the trips, the long mornings in bed, it's so painful. Even the family gatherings that I will have to go to without him by my side. He even said he saw a Christmas card in the mail and started crying knowing he would never see my family again. I felt his pain.

But I recorded  some of our last conversations and they were awful. A lot of silence on my end as he raged on and on. So I make sure to play them back and remember what the last few years were like. How easy it is to forget! As time goes on I know the pain will ebb but I would be so incredibly miserable right now if he was still here. Glad to be alone and looking forward to some peace and healing. Stay strong. Those who forget are doomed to repeat.

[freefox]

Recently have been thinking of the good times, the trips, the long mornings in bed, it's so painful. Even the family gatherings that I will have to go to without him by my side. He even said he saw a Christmas card in the mail and started crying knowing he would never see my family again. I felt his pain.

But I recorded  some of our last conversations and they were awful. A lot of silence on my end as he raged on and on. So I make sure to play them back and remember what the last few years were like. How easy it is to forget! As time goes on I know the pain will ebb but I would be so incredibly miserable right now if he was still here. Glad to be alone and looking forward to some peace and healing. Stay strong. Those who forget are doomed to repeat.

I feel like I could have written this. It is way too easy to forget. You're right about being miserable if he was still here... .I always say that it's better to be alone than to be lonely with someone else. Staying strong