Not sure what I've done wrong, if anything or everything

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm, kind of, taking responsibility for this one. My BPDW has a new fulltime job, in addition to a parttime job. This is a big relief for us financially. And, I understand how fortunate I am to be married to  a person with BPD who can keep it together enough to work. (My mom who had BPD was really good at her job, even though her disorder caused her to have relationship problems that sometimes had a negative impact on her employment.) In fact, her coworkers thinks she's just wonderful. They see the occasional flash of her disorder in some paranoia when she's certain a coworker has done something to really put her down or treat her like she's not very bright. I've seen the looks they give one another when she gets on one of those rants. They know better, because they were in the situation, too. But, they love her. And, I'm glad for that. She really would do anything for anyone of them. Home is different.

So, anyway, she spent three months not having a fulltime job, because she didn't "like" any of the ones that offered to her. During this time she was going to make up for having reduced income and me taking over expenses by doing a lot of work that needs to be done around the house. Nothing got done. (Nothing got done when she did the same thing a  couple of years ago. ... .I wonder if there's a pattern to this?) Consequently, I was spending weekends doing chores (except laundry. She has a weird thing about doing laundry.) and preparing meals for lunches during the work week. Last weekend she went off to bed "depressed and overwhelmed" which I get. I admit I was really angry that she had no idea she hadn't done anything around the house when she had time and now she just has a new excuse to do nothing. Here's the part where I did badly, I picked a fight with her to get her up to help me. It worked, only this weekend I'm paying the price.

I guess, I'm split black. She's spent the day doing chores and cooking better than I ever have. All of the time I've spent making sure we have nutritious meals got me smacked with how she's not only cooking, she's also doing the clean up. --- Completely un-self-aware that all these days I've done the cooking she said she would do the clean up, but didn't. On one level I think there's a part of her that feels badly that she hasn't pitched in, but I think it's that bad feeling that comes from how BPD's really hate themselves and not from her genuinely having an interest helping. So, I'm getting caught up in all kinds of emotions and confusion that I have no idea how to deal with. I think she doesn't understand what's going on. I have no idea how to help without doing something wrong that's going result in a bigger, worse fight. I want to look at her and say, "Really, we just need to mash some potatoes."

I, finally, just stopped to "take a nap." (When I did this she slammed around the kitchen some. Came into the bedroom and grabbed a bag which she does when she's going to run away. Took a shower and changed clothes, like she was going to go out. I ignored most of it.she didn't get a rise out of me. And, she didn't leave.) I don't deserve being put down for trying to do loving, nurturing things, like making our meals. I do it with joy. I like to do it. I'd just like to have the help I've been promised without it turning into her feelings of self-hatred being puked out all over me.

Really, we just need to mash some potatoes.

[Modron]

I'm, kind of, taking responsibility for this one. My BPDW has a new fulltime job, in addition to a parttime job. This is a big relief for us financially. And, I understand how fortunate I am to be married to  a person with BPD who can keep it together enough to work. (My mom who had BPD was really good at her job, even though her disorder caused her to have relationship problems that sometimes had a negative impact on her employment.) In fact, her coworkers thinks she's just wonderful. They see the occasional flash of her disorder in some paranoia when she's certain a coworker has done something to really put her down or treat her like she's not very bright. I've seen the looks they give one another when she gets on one of those rants. They know better, because they were in the situation, too. But, they love her. And, I'm glad for that. She really would do anything for anyone of them. Home is different.

So, anyway, she spent three months not having a fulltime job, because she didn't "like" any of the ones that offered to her. During this time she was going to make up for having reduced income and me taking over expenses by doing a lot of work that needs to be done around the house. Nothing got done. (Nothing got done when she did the same thing a  couple of years ago. ... .I wonder if there's a pattern to this?) Consequently, I was spending weekends doing chores (except laundry. She has a weird thing about doing laundry.) and preparing meals for lunches during the work week. Last weekend she went off to bed "depressed and overwhelmed" which I get. I admit I was really angry that she had no idea she hadn't done anything around the house when she had time and now she just has a new excuse to do nothing. Here's the part where I did badly, I picked a fight with her to get her up to help me. It worked, only this weekend I'm paying the price.

I guess, I'm split black. She's spent the day doing chores and cooking better than I ever have. All of the time I've spent making sure we have nutritious meals got me smacked with how she's not only cooking, she's also doing the clean up. --- Completely un-self-aware that all these days I've done the cooking she said she would do the clean up, but didn't. On one level I think there's a part of her that feels badly that she hasn't pitched in, but I think it's that bad feeling that comes from how BPD's really hate themselves and not from her genuinely having an interest helping. So, I'm getting caught up in all kinds of emotions and confusion that I have no idea how to deal with. I think she doesn't understand what's going on. I have no idea how to help without doing something wrong that's going result in a bigger, worse fight. I want to look at her and say, "Really, we just need to mash some potatoes."

I, finally, just stopped to "take a nap." (When I did this she slammed around the kitchen some. Came into the bedroom and grabbed a bag which she does when she's going to run away. Took a shower and changed clothes, like she was going to go out. I ignored most of it.she didn't get a rise out of me. And, she didn't leave.) I don't deserve being put down for trying to do loving, nurturing things, like making our meals. I do it with joy. I like to do it. I'd just like to have the help I've been promised without it turning into her feelings of self-hatred being puked out all over me.

Really, we just need to mash some potatoes.

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[JohnLove]

My 2c.

Enjoy her efforts while they last... .and don't tell us that the potatoes need mashing... .TELL HER.

She may just find it validating if she is focused on her efforts and is seeking recognition for them.

And I know all about the "BPD amnesia" when it comes to your History and daily effort.

It is difficult not to take it personally... .but a gentle reminder mixed with some more validation may prove helpful.

[Modron]

JohnLove, you make a good point. I get frustrated that we struggle with things that to me are so simple they don't take another thought. Even though I wish she and I could work together to split the work and share the load, it was nice not to have to, frantically, rush around trying to get everything done.

For some reason as I was reading your reply I had clear memories of my BPDMom behaving the same way BPDW was: fleas. It's weird, but informative, to remember what it was like as a child to experience this kind of behavior from an adult who was so fragile she had to show us how much better she was than we were. It was really damaging and has left a lot of scars. I guess sometimes the "then" and "now" blend together.

... .Some of our meals this week will be interesting. My wife's lack of self-confidence at times like this builds some kind of mistake into her recipes. Although, she did recover well after dumping extra fresh, raw mushrooms into a completed pot of spaghetti. ("I always make it this way!" She doesn't.) The meal became a baked spaghetti casserole in an effort to get the mushrooms cooked. In fairness, her baked spaghetti is really good, better than stove top spaghetti.

My "nap", or effort to flee the fight that was brewing, seems to have helped, too. Once she got past the cascade of emotions that had her grabbing a bag and acting like she had to get out - I remained really quiet, although I did ask her one time if everything was okay - we were able to sit down together to have a snack and watch some TV.

This morning she'll go to work for a little while which will be a break for both of us. When she gets her teeth into work and gets into the challenge it helps her. I'm not sure why or how, but it helps her be focused and improves her mood. Today, I'll work on validating within our relationship here at home.  We'll see if we can get the week off to a good start.

[mimixxs]

I think one of the really hard parts to get your brain around is " I don't deserve being put down for trying to do loving, nurturing things, like making our meals. I do it with joy. I like to do it. I'd just like to have the help I've been promised without it turning into her feelings of self-hatred being puked out all over me." I think one of the troubles is that people with BP jsut cant. they dont know how to do these little simple things that are helpful and caring, loving, tender. And we cant teach them. we can do them for ourselves but we can not expect to lead by example. and once we can really face that truth maybe we can stop the cycle of being dissapointed and feeling unloved. I am definatly not there yet! - we had a schedule where my husband was supposed to cook on sat / sun. -we have 2 kids and I do all the housework and work parttime. he has a fulltime job with flexible hours. anyways, he did not do it without being reminded and when reminded was always mad at me for making him do it etc. i gave up on it. the entire point was that i would NOT have to think about cooking 2 nights out of 7... .