Made a mistake?

[maddlove]

I broke up with my ex pwBPD the day before yesterday (live in relationship). I'm codependent by way.

I broke up in a pretty crappy way (over a letter) fearing she would enrage if I did it in person.

Today I got an uncontrollable urge to talk to her. I called her. We spoke, I vented. I told her all the things she did to me that was bad for me. She seemed lucid, I could never get a moment like that when we were together.

We spent 1 hour talking in the morning. Then I called her in the afternoon and vented some more, spent 2 hours talking this time. She even enticed me with sexual talks.

It's like the saying, "Can't live with her, can't live without her". She told me her family thinks I'm bipolar, because it's the second time I break up with her and push her out of my house. Her family doesn't know what a living hell she made my life.

During our arguments she constantly put words on my mouth and assumed to know what I was thinking, and it was always negative things. That freaking sucks.

If I keep talking to her I might find myself entangled again, and once I'm entangle I'm going to feel trapped, and once trapped it's gonna be difficult getting out again. I don't want history repeating itself. I can't change her but I keep trying to change her.

I tried going NC, but broke it. I couldn't stop thinking about her, if she's alright (even though she rarely thought of me).

[Daniell85]

She isn't going to tell you she is thinking of you. You broke up with her. Pride. BPD denial, whatever it is, she isn't being honest with you.

She is taking your calls and listening to you vent. So she is actually agreeing to that interaction.

The question is, what are you wanting *really* at this point? You want to keep on venting or is there some more productive action you want to take.

What is that action?

Are you definitely done with the relationship, or... are you simply at a point where you can't cope right now, and don't know what to do that might help things get better?

What is your ideal outcome, if you could have anything you wanted here?

[maddlove]

She isn't going to tell you she is thinking of you. You broke up with her. Pride. BPD denial, whatever it is, she isn't being honest with you.

She is taking your calls and listening to you vent. So she is actually agreeing to that interaction.

The question is, what are you wanting *really* at this point? You want to keep on venting or is there some more productive action you want to take.

What is that action?

Are you definitely done with the relationship, or... are you simply at a point where you can't cope right now, and don't know what to do that might help things get better?

What is your ideal outcome, if you could have anything you wanted here?

I still have strong feelings for her, I don't know what those feelings are to be precise, but I have them. I would really like for her to change and not have those BPD enrage moments. But I'm going through magical thinking here aren't I?

I wish I could've have a happy life with her, because in spite of it all I still wanna protect her.

Most of all right now, I have to work on my codependency.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey maddlove, What makes you think you could live a "happy life with her"?  Presumably you broke up with her for a reason.  Of course you still have feelings for her, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you should act on them.  Recognizing your codependent tendencies is the first step, in my view, because your awareness allows you to change.

LuckyJim