I must leave - moving her from staying board.

[LilMe]

I have been on the staying board for several years, but am moving over here.  I left a 20 year abusive marriage 10 years ago at the prompting of my 6 children.  While staying at a battered women's shelter my current uBPD totally love bombed me.  I realize now I was in a very vulnerable position and got too easily attached to him who offered financial and emotional stability for my children and I.  The stability didn't last long.  Red flags started flying right away.  My children warned me that he was worse than their father and they were right.  Now 10 years later I lost custody of those children because of his drinking and abuse and have 3 more children with him.  I left for a time because of the drinking and abuse, but came back when I found out I was pregnant and he threatened to get 50/50 custody of the baby.  The baby is now 18 months old and adores her daddy.  My 14 year old daughter attempted suicide recently because she hates living with her verbally abusive father, but can't live with me because of uBPD.  He doesn't want me to have a relationship with my other children.  I see them every other Monday for a couple of hours only.

I have stupidly allowed myself to become totally financially dependent on him.  He didn't like the business I had for 20+ years so I let it go.  He didn't like my job so I quit.  He doesn't like any of my friends or family and doesn't want me talking to or spending time with them.  Trying to please him doesn't help at all.  Our home is in his name only.  Our car is in both names.  He is legally blind.  We moved far out into the country and he has no way to get around but me.  This causes me awful feelings of guilt.

I am definitely addicted to him.  He is very handsome and sexy and can be so nice.  But is also verbally abusive and mean to me and the children.  I am 49 years old and will have to leave with nothing and start over.  My mom will help me some and my older children are very supportive, in spite of everything that happened.  I have a supportive friend network as well.

I can get my job back and I think I found an affordable place to live.  I need to talk to a lawyer and see what to do about the children.  We are not legally married but I stupidly signed off on a 50/50 parenting plan when I left before.  Some days I can hardly move it all seems so overwhelming; especially on the days he is verbally attacking me and calling names.  If I could go NC, I know I could do this.  But we have 3 young children so that will not happen.

Any tips or suggestions to help me be strong and get away?  At this point, I am taking one small step at a time and doing a lot of custody research.  I have been keeping a diary since the first of the year of his treatment of the children and I.  I plan to talk to a few local lawyers over the next few weeks about custody.  He can be a great father, but dysregulates with the children and gets angry and frustrated with them easily and it is affecting them badly. TIA.

[thisworld]

LilMe hi

I'm truly sorry for your what you have been going through and I can understand how exhausting this is for you. You have been surviving for so long. And you sound like a woman of admirable strength who has coped with so much. And it seems that now is the time to start looking after yourself better and start healing your wounds. You are not alone in this. It is a process, it takes a bit of time and we go through a lot feelings that have been holding us back. But one step at a time as you put it, we do start feeling better.

And guilt is a very familiar feeling for us. There are many people on this board who have tried to support their partner to the best of their power but have had to leave eventually. Guilt dissolves in time when the FOG lifts, when we start looking at our relationship from different perspectives and see what was under our control and what wasn't. Please give yourself some time and try to treat yourself compassionately. 

I'm very happy to hear that you have a supportive family and a friend cycle. How is your daughter now?

And are you still living together with your partner? Are you able to do anything to reduce conflict nowadays?

Please keep posting so that we can support you better here.

Hang in there

[LilMe]

Thank you, thisworld.

My daughter is OK.  She is back in school and her father is on his best behavior for now.  She is hopeful I can get away and she can live with me.

I still live with uBPD.  I do not want to leave until I know my legal standing in regards to custody.  Since I came back after the baby was born, I have not been reacting to his rages and accusations and have been standing up for myself some.  To him, this means I hate him and it feels like he tries to break me down every day with his verbal abuse.  I do try to calm him when he dysregulates badly against the children.  Mostly I validate their feelings.  They ask if we can go live with Grandma forever or if I can move out with them and come back with them for visitation.  :'(

[Turkish]

Are you and your kids really safe now? You said on another board that you were in contact with the director of the local DV shelter. How is your safety plan progressing? You're doing well by documenting all of this. Awaiting legal advice, can you "fake it 'till you make it [out]" as it were?

[LilMe]

Yes, we are safe, Turkish. It will take a few weeks to get everything in place to leave. He doesn't let me out of his sight much so it is hard to call or meet with a lawyer. But I will manage somehow. I have the existing 50/50 custody order that needs changes. Until I have some idea where I stand legally with it I don't want to leave.

We live in the country and raise about 75% of our own food. It is hard to leave it behind. From a physical health view, life here couldn't be more perfect for the children. It will take me years, if ever, to get a place like we are now. It is sad and hard. I will even have to leave my dog behind. She is a lab and totally attached to our livestock guardian dog. I can't have her where I move anyway. It is all so hard!

[sweetheart]

Hi LilMe, just want to let you know I'm thinking of you and it's good to see you here making plans to leave for you and your children. I'm glad that you're all safe behind this decision.

I can hear how hard it is going to be to leave behind so many things you still love and are understandably attached to.

It sounds like there are still a lot of things to sort and you are being very realistic about putting everything in place first before any exit. Good.

Remember to take good care of yourself emotionally so you can be strong when you need to be.

[LilMe]

Thank you for the kind words, sweetheart. It feels like things are moving in slow motion! He stays nearby so it is hard to talk on the phone or go anywhere without him. But I manage to talk to 1 person every day. My mom, a friend, the shelter's court advocate today. My children give me strength. I alternate between hopeful and hopeless several times a day.  But I wake up hopeful every day.