Day six and feels like game in some ways

[Depression = 72% of members]

For those who know my story, today is day six. I know it's not long at all but it's the longest I've went yet in my attempt at NC. Now I know we are still playing a trivia game app on phone.  And I am still planning on a concert In about two weeks with her.

But I want to send her a message.  And in some ways it feels like it's playing games by not contacting her if I want.  Since I'm doing better (ok that's debatable) if I want to send her a message why not. 

Although I know she knows I care. And no matter what I say it won't really matter.  But still I want to send her a message.

Talk me out of it.

[Scopikaz]

For those who know my story, today is day six. I know it's not long at all but it's the longest I've went yet in my attempt at NC. Now I know we are still playing a trivia game app on phone.  And I am still planning on a concert In about two weeks with her.

But I want to send her a message.  And in some ways it feels like it's playing games by not contacting her if I want.  Since I'm doing better (ok that's debatable) if I want to send her a message why not. 

Although I know she knows I care. And no matter what I say it won't really matter.  But still I want to send her a message.

Talk me out of it.

[steelwork]

Rather than trying to talk you out of it, let me ask:

-- what do you hope to achieve in writing to her? Be honest.

-- do you think that will happen?

[steelwork]

I guess I hesitated to say this other thing, because I think you've heard it so many times.

Choosing not to write while still playing (literal) games with her, and making plans to see her in the future, is drawing a line in the sand, but it's kind of an arbitrary line, and it probably doesn't make much sense to her. I know you're not intending to send a message to her, but the message for both of you is kind of muddled by choosing one avenue of communication to close and keeping the others open.

It probably feels like a game because your heart isn't in it. Even for me, when all contact ceased from his side and I had to choose every single day not to reach out, it felt like a game for a long time. It is a game, I guess, in a way, but over time I've come to see the benefits of not reaching out (and the dangers of reaching out).

[kc sunshine]

Day 6, scopikaz! Congratulations! Tell me the ways that you are feeling better? Will you list them for me? I know it feels like a game, but I think it is an important one. I think you can make it until day 7  .

I'm counting mine as Detach with grace day 4, even though I replied to her texts (BIFF). Not seeing her or talking to her for me is counting as LC. And certainly no more watching her video (and trying not to replay it in my mind!)

[Scopikaz]

Kc. How can we chat off line?

[anothercasualty]

And I am still planning on a concert In about two weeks with her.

Scopikaz,

What are you hoping for from going to the concert with her? I think all of us at one time thought that some level of contact was going to do some good if we wanted to stay attached. Do you want to stay attached?

[blackbirdsong]

Talk me out of it.

Well, I don't believe these boards work like that.

I think you need to decide what you really want. Spend some time alone, ask yourself important questions, answer them honestly and decide what you want to do.

No one here can make decision for you.

[MapleBob]

Okay scopikaz, I think that you should just do what I do: give yourself a few days, and tell yourself "hey, I can reach out in a few days if I still want to". Then give yourself a few more days, then a few more days. You have plans with her for two weeks from now, so just wait until then! Just wait.

[Scopikaz]

Well I'm pretty certain now she's found a replacement.  On the surface based on his fb page he is a ladies man. A player. Not a person of faith or morals or values.  Just based on photos.  Lots of vain looking selfies.  Bar pictures. Pictures with women. Etc.  looks very into self.  He's three years younger than her.  Looks like he makes decent money. But spends a lot at bars And on food etc. maybe it will work out for them.  Maybe that's what she wants now.  Someone to party with and drink with.  Not judge her or care if she grows as a person.

[Anez]

Skopikaz:

What's your ideal end game with this woman? I only ask because you seem to be running around in painful circles. I'm not judging at all, believe me. I've run in some painful circles myself the past five months. I totally get it.

I just ask about the end game because you really need to think about what's good for you. This woman is never going to change. Her roots are based in a mental illness that will never allow her to have what she really wants - a nice, loving relationship. She's gonna string you along, get your hopes up from time to time, then push you away and hurt you even more. You don't deserve to have that happen to you. None of us do. You seem like a nice person with a good heart. You deserve someone with the same qualities.

I'd suggest you go full NC with her. No more trivia, no more checking out her social media (I know from personal experience how painful it can be to look. I don't anymore because I don't want that pain), no concert in a few weeks. Nothing.

It will be hard. At the beginning. As a former smoker I remember every little thing in the first  few weeks after I quit reminding me of cigarettes. It's all I wanted. Over time the urges went away. Then months down the line I was at a gas station and saw all the cigarettes behind the counter but neither my brain nor body really thought of them. They were just there. I was over them.

We need to get our ex's to be like those cigarettes. It will make us better, healthier people.

[Scopikaz]

The end game?  In a perfect world for her to come back to me. Try again. She was nice up until the end. But I know that's not possible and so I want to detach. Want to move on. I don't know. I love her and want her back. Just know it won't happen.  Just know she's either got deep emotional issues, BPD maybe, or is an emotional manipulator.  Either scenario isn't good.  And now I don't know which is better. Her and this new guy not succeeding of them actually living happily ever after. But if he's really a player like he appears. What's the likelihood of that happening.

[tryingsome]

She was nice up until the end.

Was she really nice up until the end?

Are you positive? You sure this isn't being codependent?

I'm asking because that doesn't very BPD.

Be healthy. It's tough. Cheers.

[Scopikaz]

Why I suspect BPD:

Bad childhood.

Feelings of worthlessness and insecurity

Two failed marriages she ended both

Another really bad relationship that she ended

We started out as affair

She lost custody of her children to first husband after having the

Initially for almost two years

She accepts no blame for any of these things. Plays victim in all of it

Had one bad episode of rage in front of good friends of mine

Very emotional

Emotionally manipulative

Jumped into our relationship fast.

Did the push pull thing

Left me without warning. Seemed to love me up until end

She threatened to leave a couple of times earlier in relationship

Very jealous

Very needy and clingy

Issues in workplace where she worked in which she talked multiple times to HR about her managers behavior.

Issues with girl she's now living with

I mention last two because BPD spills over into work and other relationships too

She was great sexually.

Talked about suicide on occasions when depressed over not having children

Afraid of loss or betrayal (abandonment)

Frequenting bars now.  Seems like a chameleon.  She does seem to conform

To whoever she's with good or bad.

In my mind she seeks love and acceptance and validation in men. But then isn't happy