I don't understand, please help.

[Subaruboy]

Hey guys so after nine months of no contact with my cluster b ex girlfriend she decided to contact me. She contacted me out of the blue two weeks ago. I've made the mistake of re-engaging and spending time with her, and here I am now. Over the nine months of being broken up I've heal slightly, but I haven't healed tremendously. I still suffer from depression a lot. Two weeks ago we hung out and she told me she wants to get back together and she has changed. She told me she'd do whatever it takes to win me back. Two days later after she said that I told her how I really felt and I opened up and told her all the pain she caused. After I did that she said it is not right to get back together. She also said that she wants time to be alone and work on herself and she doesn't want to work on her issues together. After she told me that I was devastated, yet again. Now on Monday of last week we talked again and she said she was set on her decision of her going forward without me. On Tuesday of last week she starts to contact me and talk to me as if we were in a relationship. Long story short, this past weekend she slept over and we did a lot of intimate things. We were exchanging I love yous and what not. Here I am today back in the same place. She told me she needs time to work on herself once again. I'm just confused to why she is changing her mind. Any input would be appreciated thank you!

[tryingsome]

Simple she is changing her mind constantly because you told her all the pain she caused.

Here is how she likely envisioned it:

Contact Subaruboy to get back together

He shows that he loves me unconditionally. (Radical Acceptance on your part).

Relationship just works.

Here is how she sees that it went down:

Contact Subaruboy to get back together

He blames me.

I feel shameful

I need to know he loves me

But he doesn't love me unconditionally

I am not sure I want conditional love


You need to convince her you love her unconditionally.

Radical acceptance is only way the relationship will work going forward.

Don't be a doormat, but accept the relationship the way it is.

[Subaruboy]

Simple she is changing her mind constantly because you told her all the pain she caused.

Here is how she likely envisioned it:

Contact Subaruboy to get back together

He shows that he loves me unconditionally. (Radical Acceptance on your part).

Relationship just works.

Here is how she sees that it went down:

Contact Subaruboy to get back together

He blames me.

I feel shameful

I need to know he loves me

But he doesn't love me unconditionally

I am not sure I want conditional love


You need to convince her you love her unconditionally.

Radical acceptance is only way the relationship will work going forward.

Don't be a doormat, but accept the relationship the way it is.

Thanks for your post. Do you think her mind is made up? I just wanted her to understand the pain she put me through but maybe I didn't do it the right way.

[tryingsome]

They can always change their mind.

You can take the stance that, I know things were hard but I think that will make us stronger going forward.

No one else I want to be with.

Something along those lines.

She is looking for validation and acceptance.

But your mileage will verify.

[Daniell85]

I am more concerned about you. Are you able to be in a relationship without confronting her on her damaging behavior?

BPD does NOT like being "blamed", ie being held responsible and expected to do something about it. Too much shame.

I just broke up with my boyfriend. He was always raging about being "blamed". He did some really terrible things. I am not over them. He refused to stop doing things that kept that upset and injury from healing. I guess he figured since it wasn't his fault ( refusal to be responsible) then he wasn't going to put up with my "blaming" him. It got pretty ugly.

I think probably you really need to take inventory, like in the link on the right of this page, #5 Take Inventory.

You will probably need to take your upset at her elsewhere. Therapist is probably best. Do it appear your gf is likely to STOP doing the past damaging behaviors?

If you can offer a clean slate to her truly, it is likely your best chance at her coping and staying with you, and you ( with help of therapist and support here ) coping in the relationship with the BPD aspects.

[Subaruboy]

I'm sure I'm able to move on from what ever happened without blaming her or making her feel blamed. It was emotions built up after not seeing her for nine months. Last night I talked to her and she says her decision is final and she doesn't want to move forward with me. But I'm just confused because this weekend was amazing and she was so in love with me. Do you think she's really serious about her decision being final? It's just amazing how she flipped and changed her opinion so quickly.

[Daniell85]

The standard of BPD behavior is to make "firm" decisions and then change their minds.

My own experience is that given time, they calm down and change their minds. My ex flip flipped like a trout. It just took a few weeks for him to center himself. In fact I broke up with him about a week ago, and he was all puffed up with outrage and whatever it is BPD puffs up with... and now he is calming and trying to get my attention. Love the good parts of the guy, can't deal right now with the bad.

This has happened dozens of times.

Probably your ex is so deep in shame and not wanting to ever be the kind of person who hurt you... and she knows she probably will... that she is shutting things down. She will calm over time and move back to the center from the extreme.

My advice is to give her time ( months), learn all you can here, and just be pleasant, supportive, and kind when you have interaction. Not easy, of course, when you would like a good outcome NOW, but it's about your only choice unless you want to move on by yourself.

[Subaruboy]

Thank you for your advice. I've done tons of research but I've learned even more today. I guess I have to learn to cope and deal with certain things. I also need to work on speaking to her in a way that doesn't make her feel shameful. I'm really grateful for your information. Next time around I'll be sure to adjust the way I talk and treat her.

[C.Stein]

Next time around I'll be sure to adjust the way I talk and treat her.

This is good providing you don't become a doormat or lapdog.  Learn what your boundaries are and don't let her cross them under any circumstances.

[Subaruboy]

Alright thank you. Now I now people can't predict if they may or may not change their minds, but is it a big possibility that she may switch her mind again? Right now she says she has made her final decision and such. I just wanna prepare myself on what to say if she does come back. Is there something I can say to her that will let her know I want her to make up her mind? A good idea would be something that I can say where she's can't keep going back and forth and she needs to make her decision. I know they flip and flop, I just want to word things right that way I don't make her feel any worse.

[Heartbroken_guy]

Thank you for your advice. I've done tons of research but I've learned even more today. I guess I have to learn to cope and deal with certain things. I also need to work on speaking to her in a way that doesn't make her feel shameful. I'm really grateful for your information. Next time around I'll be sure to adjust the way I talk and treat her.

I am sorry to say that man but you are in for more then you can handle. after 9 months you are willing to give it another try! i have broken up with my BPD ex for little over two months and she made contact only to hurt me some more. the best advice i can give is, focus on your self, things wont get better if you get back with her, she hasn't change and will not change. sorry to be so blunt but i wish i would have done this much earlier. i am in such a pain and i really loved this girl, i loved her more then i loved anyone else but this sh*t has happened over and over and now i am just a shadow of a man. i wish someone would talked to me the same way and talk some sense into me. I wish i could go for 9 months like you did and i am working on that. i feel your pain man but this wont be good for you. you are already here searching for answers! what does that tell you? mind games they play, you can adjust as much as you want but nothing with change. she will leave you again and set the clock back. consider this tough love. good luck

[JQ]

hello Subaruboy,

You're new to the group so welcome    We all know from our own experiences just what you're going through and how tough it is.  You did an awesome job with 9 months of NC!  But like most codependents in a split moment you doubted yourself and you answered her ... .you stumbled ... .we all have. As you see here, there is more than one hand reaching out to help you up ... .dust you off and straighten you up. NOW the next choice is yours ... .stay on the path your currently walking, choose the path to the right and see where that goes OR sit back down where you're at and do nothing. The choice is YOURS!  We won't judge you ... .but we can't walk this journey for you and we can't & won't tell you what to do. You've received some good guidance here based on their own experiences. 

Tryingsome points out that BPDs suffer from an immense sense of guilt, shame, and never have ... .and most likely NEVER will learn how to deal with those emotions. Those with BPD are emotionally stunted as a 3 yr old toddler. If you look back at you BPD r/s you will see examples of your exBPD behaving very much like a spoiled toddler throwing temper tantrums when they don't get their way.

I agree with what Daniell has written too. "I am more concerned about you. Are you able to be in a relationship without confronting her on her damaging behavior?" My exBPDgf has been in & out of therapy with clinical physiologist, therapist, & Ph.d's over 25 years with very little behavioral management to show for the money & effort. I saw moments of clarity ... .but it was very VERY short lived. Daniel also said, " BPD does NOT like being "blamed", ie being held responsible and expected to do something about it. Too much shame."  This is also common in BPD, my exBPDgf told me during more than one conversation "Thank you! You have told me everything I did wrong in the relationship! Why do you still love me? Why do you still want to be with me? Now I feel like sh!t! Thanks for pointing out all my flaws!. 

Daniel also points out that you need to set boundaries and stick to them ... .I MEAN REALLY STICK TO THEM!   Remember that a BPD will test you like a 3 yr old toddler to see how far they can push you and get away with things.  If you tell a 3 yr old NOT to touch something in the store, they will look right at you, smile, and reach out for the thing you just told them NOT to touch. Until they get a hand smacked for the consequences for their actions. A BPD is the same way and you need to set those boundaries. There are tools here on the site to help with that and I would also encourage you to seek out professional help with it.  In the beginning I set a boundary that when my exBPDgf would rage at me, I would in a simple calm voice tell her on the phone, "You're yelling at me and I don't appreciate it, you hurt me. I'm going to hang up for now and I will call you when I'm feeling better".  She then would change her tone and say ok ... .said she understood. I don't know if she ever really did because she would do something again a very short time later. That's when I learned the following about BPD ... .

Mayo Clinic defines BPD as ... .

Cluster B personality disorders

Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. It's not necessary to exhibit all the signs and symptoms listed for a disorder to be diagnosed.Borderline personality disorder

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating

Unstable or fragile self-image

Unstable and intense relationships

Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress

Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury

Intense fear of being alone or abandoned

Ongoing feelings of emptiness

Frequent, intense displays of anger

Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes.

BPD as defined by John Hopkins Medical ... .

For people without a personality disorder, personality traits are patterns of thinking, reacting, and behaving that remain relatively consistent and stable over time. People with a personality disorder display more rigid thinking and reacting behaviors that make it hard for them to adapt to a situation. These behaviors often disrupt their personal, professional, and social lives.Examples of dramatic/erratic (Cluster B) personality disorders

Borderline personality disorder. People with this disorder are not stable in their perceptions of themselves, and have difficulty keeping stable relationships. Moods may also be inconsistent, but never neutral. Their sense of reality is always seen in "black and white." People with borderline personality disorder often feel as though they lacked a certain level of nurturing while growing up. As a result, they constantly seek a higher level of caretaking from others as adults. This may be achieved through manipulation of others, leaving them often feeling empty, angry, and abandoned, which may lead to desperate and impulsive behavior.

Narcissistic personality disorder. People with this disorder present severely overly-inflated feelings of self-worth, grandness, and superiority over others. People with narcissistic personality disorder often exploit others who fail to admire them. They are overly sensitive to criticism, judgment, and defeat.

BPD as defined my a Harvard Medical study ... .

BPD is believed to emerge from an interaction between genes and environment. The major twin study showed that genes accounted for 69% of the variance in diagnostic concordance. This concordance rate is similar to that found in bipolar disorder and stronger than rates for depression or anxiety. Functional MRI studies of BPD patients show abnormalities in the amygdala (an almond-sized and shaped brain structure linked with a person's mental and emotional state) and the prefrontal cortex (a part of the brain associated with planning, reasoning, solving problems and regulating thoughts, feelings and behaviors).Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a severe mental illness seen in approximately 20% of inpatient and outpatient clinical samples and between 1.2% and 5.9% of the general population. It can co-occur with other disorders, but studies of its heritability, diagnostic validity/reliability, and of specific treatments indicate that it is best considered an independent disorder that negatively affects the patient's treatment response to comorbid disorders, particularly mood disorders.

Borderline Personality Disorder is severe and can be lethal, with an estimated 65-70% of individuals making at least one suicide attempt and 10% dying by suicide. Persons with BPD are high utilizers of treatment, especially emergency departments and inpatient hospitalizations - the most expensive forms of psychiatric treatment.



I learned that no amount of caring, loving, showing, telling her things were ever going to help her when 25 years of professional help hadn't so far. Love does NOT conquer all as much as we would like to believe. BPD is a VERY VERY serious Cluster B mental illness. It's not like cancer that surgery, chemo, radiation might help them survive.  You've been in the dark place before ... .but you worked your way out of it.

Seek out professional help to help you sort though your thoughts, behavior, emotions ... .this isn't a sign of weakness but a great sign of strength as I've come to learn. I would read all the references here on this site to the right and at the top about the BPD. And as someone else said, YOU need to take care of YOU!  You need to get some sleep because REM sleep help with the mental and physical repair your body needs. You need to eat right because junk food is just that junk. You need to get out for a walk, see the sun, burn off some of the stress & anxiety your under right now. Reach out to an old friend you haven't talked to in some time ... .this will help heal your spirit too.

Nothing has and nothing will make sense in any relationship with a BPD ... .do not apply logic to your BPD relationship ... .logic will never apply to a BPD relationship.

Come back here as often as you need too and want too. Let us know how your doing ... .

J

 

[Subaruboy]

Thank you both so much for the advice. @JQ I've been to the dark place and I still suffer from being sad. I guess you can call that depression, but 9 months so far I've come along. To be honest I'm not fully recovered and I believe it'll take a while. It's hard to ignore someone like my ex gf. Like you said we all stumble and I guess I stumbled and put myself in a weird situation. Sometimes it's hard to move on and I want to give it a shot. I guess I have to really think about my choices if she decides to come around for a second time. I was with this girl for 18 months. I learned to love her and her family and losing it both was very hard. When she came back I was somewhat happy and excited l, thinking I would all get it back. But, here I am again wondering what's gonna happen and if she'll change her mind. Once again thanks for the advice, it really helps.