Again

[Narkiss]

So, I sent an email to pwBPD with some information I know he'd find useful. Do not know what the status of the relationship is. For the last 3-ish weeks, he'll respond to me if I reach out but won't initiate contact. I know he cares about me. At least I think he cares about me although realized recently that he can't spell my last name correctly after nearly a year.  So, I get a response to my email, that he misses me and it's making him miserable. He wrote he'd call tonight after work (is working late). Did he call? No! Is this push/pull yet again? Maybe he's still working? I think I just need support! (Background: I realized that he wasn't as separated from his wife as he led me to believe. I told him it was very painful to me --which he heard. I don't know what I want).

[ForeverDad]

I may be opting for the traditional response, but if either of you are 'separated' then the healthier position to take would be that you shouldn't be pursuing a relationship until the marriage(s) are ended.  As I understand it, he's been separated for years but not really that separated?  Then how serious or able to make a commitment could he be?

I recall the circumstances of my former SIL.  She got a BF, he was married and had children from the marriage but he was "divorcing" his wife.  Well, they moved in together, he was still married.  They had a child, he was still married.  They had another child, he was still married.  Finally, after a decade or thereabouts he did finally get divorced.  Personally I think the trigger was so they could buy a house together in a new state.  So my unvoiced question was, what was more important to him, the house's legal issues or his GF?  I have always thought that she ought to have been a bigger priority than the legalities of buying a house.  That's my perspective and why I wrote the above about freedom and commitment.

[Narkiss]

Yes. I never felt like I was a priority -- a fantasy, yes -- but never a priority. He has never been able to make a real commitment (that is a good point) -- lots of wonderful feelings and words, though, that I assumed meant a commitment. I know that if anyone told me this story, I would say she was insane for staying with this guy. How did your SIL feel about the guy still being married -- and also what was his wife's reaction?

[unicorn2014]

I appreciate this conversation too.

I've been waiting on my pwBPD to get a divorce for 3.5 years now. In September I found out his divorce hadn't been filed . I don't know what's more disturbing, his marital status, the long distance relationship or his BPD.

[Narkiss]

Unicorn2014: What are you going to do? Mine is also long distance. I have read postings from several women who are involved with separated pwBPD. Maybe I should take a poll. I keep wondering if any of them are mine. When we met, he told me immediately that he has been separated for 5 years (they live in different states) and that after they take care of some financial issue they will get a divorce. He still tells me that's the case, but it's been almost a year, they spend holidays together and there is plenty of drama between them (she is now taking care of his elderly father). I am beginning to doubt this will ever happen. Still it is like I am mesmerized and can't pull away.

[unicorn2014]

Ok my fiancé does not spend holidays with his wife and he's trying to divorce her but she's being difficult. His attorney is filing a motion to compel and there should be a case number next week. He should have divorced his wife before he met me but he was crippled at the time. When he met me he miraculously recovered and now has to do the hard work of divorcing his wife if he wants to be with me. I also did not know he was married when I met him, he kept it from me and when I asked him about it he denied it. I've moved on from that now and I'm more focused on reducing conflict in the relationship. When he gets overreactive things get really difficult between us. I also haven't allowed him to see me since I found out the divorce hadn't been filed and I am also standing up for another set of values I have now which I haven't talked about yet. All of my posts thus far have been setting boundaries around not being in an intimate relationship with a married man. Its been very difficult as he is a really boundary pusher and we enjoy a close friendship but I've managed to desexualize the relationship so that's really helped.

[Narkiss]

Unicorn: how did you get into a place of strength where you decided you wouldn't see him until he is divorced?

[unicorn2014]

Since the relationship was built on the assumption he was, he told me that before our first date, it was very easy . Basically the whole relationship was built on a lie.