Coldly discarded and it hurts like hell

[sweet tooth]

I was discarded after close to a year. I'm confused, hurt, angry, and scared. To make a long story short, I was involved with an undiagnosed waif. She constantly told me she only wanted to be friends but treated me like we were a couple. For example, she suggested that we go to a Valentine's Day show on Valentine's Weekend, something you don't typically do with someone who is "just a friend." She initiated hand holding and kissing on the cheek. However, she refused to do anything sexual beyond that (probably to dangle the carrot in front of me and keep me hooked).

Two days after the Valentine Show the S*** Show began. I was accused of making her feel uncomfortable because I looked at her Linkdin profile (which she doesn't even use) but didn't connect with her. Then at 10 o'clock at night on Valentine's Day came the heart break: She requested that I take down the pics of us on Facebook that make us look like a couple. She said we aren't a couple and there is "no spark." When I explained my dissatisfaction and that I was hurt and confused, my feelings were callously invalidated and split black. I was told that she wasn't interested and that "it's not to be discussed. It's to be accepted." I pressed the issue. She said she couldn't handle it and that she needed space. I said goodnight. We were supposed to go away with some friends on my birthday the following weekend. My birthday came and went without contact. After two weeks I decided to break the ice. I told her I knew she needed space Andre her to contact me when she was ready. I also told her that I researched a medical issue she had been having to better understand what she goes through on a daily basis. She messaged me the next day. Her cold response:

":)o not contact me again."

She would ignore texts for weeks at a time and come back as if nothing ever happened and/or play the victim. Her excuses would be, "I was depressed/withdraw" or "I'm an introvert" (even though she had no problem talking my ear off at times). I'm asking myself a lot of questions:

-Maybe her ex-husband isn't as much of an abusive narcissist as she claimed and the problems mostly come from her end.

-maybe her divorce has taken over TWO YEARS to finalize because SHE was dragging HER feet to be vindictive and not vice versa.

-maybe when she called to say goodnight to her daughter when the daughter was with her dad and he hung up it was because he didn't want to open himself up to being hurt.

-maybe he changed his number without telling her not to prevent her to speaking to her daughter, but because she harassed him.

-maybe she went to court so often over her child to hurt HIM rather than the other way around.

-maybe he video recorder the child exchanges at the police station not so much because he was being dramatic, but in order to cover himself in case she wrongfully accused him.

-maybe he "kidnapped" their child because he thought that she was a threat to the child.

-maybe she didn't gray Rock HIM because he was a sociopath. Maybe HE gray rocked HER.

-maybe she doesn't have any close friends and a history of heart break/abusive/failed relationships because she has a tendency to blow small situations way out of proportion and treat people like sh*t.

-And many others

I'm feeling a plethora of emotions. I'm wondering if she will attempt to relationship recycle. I'm afraid she might become dangerous and/or I will be week. My heart misses the good times (which were some of the best of my life), but my brain is scared sh*tless. Deep down, I want her to try to Charm me. I'm weak, fragile, and need help. I'm sick, exhausted, emotionally drained by a vampire, and have little to no self respect.

Please help me.

[sweet tooth]

That should say "Charm" me. H O O V E R. Fog some reason it keeps changing CHARM to charm.

[sweet tooth]

I apologize for all of the typos. There must be something wrong with the autocorrect on my phone and/or the site.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey sweet,

Sorry to hear that you're going through this.  Being discarded is tough.  There's no two ways around it.  Going through the phases of how a r/s evolves with someone with a mental illness such as BPD is extremely tough and it's easy to get overwhelmed with the emotions you feel.  And there are A LOT of emotions as you begin to process what has happened.

I suggest reading the articles on this site and also some about trauma bonding, intermittent reinforcement, and codependency.  Taking the time out to read about those things can help orientate you onto the path to healing. 

You mentioned that deep down you wished for her to attempt to charm you again.  Why do you want that?  You also mentioned the good times, well what about the bad times?  It helped me to write out a list of things my ex did to me that weren't nice or good for me that she did to me.  When I looked at that list and compared it to the good/nice things she did to me, I was surprised to see how short the "good" list was to the "bad" list.  I was lied to, manipulated, cheated on, and blamed for a lot of stuff in her life that I didnt have any control over (btw, my ex is diagnosed as BPD, is on meds, and is allegedly in DBT).

It's ok to be confused, hurt, angry, and scared.  The wounds are fresh and thats completely normal.  I don't think you'll find anyone in this section that wouldn't say the same thing about how they felt after they were discarded.  You should be angry you were thrown out like trash.  You should be hurt that someone you care so much about threw you to the curb, once again like trash.  You should be confused by their actions.  And its ok to be scared, you've been scrambled like an egg.  It's easy to lose orientation of what 'normal' is once you've been exposed to abnormal for such a length of time.

Please keep posting.  There are a lot of great perspectives on this board that will help you to move forward in the aftermath of a ruptured r/s.

[sweet tooth]

I want that because the good times were some of the best of my life. When she was at baseline she was a different person, a person I loved and who treated me very well. If she were a psycho ALL of the time this would be very easy to get over. I've been involved with other psychos. It didn't hurt nearly as badly as this because they were psychos the majority of the time.

[Lonely_Astro]

I want that because the good times were some of the best of my life. When she was at baseline she was a different person, a person I loved and who treated me very well. If she were a psycho ALL of the time this would be very easy to get over. I've been involved with other psychos. It didn't hurt nearly as badly as this because they were psychos the majority of the time.

I can relate to wanting to good times back. It's ultimately what keeps us hooked.  You should read the article here about how a r/s with a BPD progresses (Vulnerable Seducer, Clinger, Hater).  Also read this (www.outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/intermittent-reinforcement) about intermittent reinforcement.  We all find ourselves longing for that idealization (aka honeymoon) phase.  But, frankly, it never truly comes back. Sure, there's an attempt at it by our pwBPD but the time it lasts gets shorter and shorter with each 'recycle' (that's why it's called a recycle).

Going into the grieving process hurts.  You have lost someone that's special to you.  You're in pain, trust me, I know. You're going to have to go through all those feelings and that process in order to truly heal.  It's not going to be an easy road, but you'll come out better for it in the end.  You can't see this right now, I couldn't when it happened to me, but you're better off without her.  You'll see that as the FOG lifts.

[sweet tooth]

Astro, another thing that is upsetting is I don't even know for a fact that she has BPD. I could be way off base here. I'm not a medical professional. She has thyroid disease which can cause Bipolar like symptoms (which can be similar); so I don't know for a fact what is going on medically.  This adds to the confusion.  Also, I'm very afraid that I will fall back into bad habits if she tries to recycle me. 

It's funny that you mention the honeymoon phase doesn't last as long.  In my particular situation, both the honeymoon phase and the recycle have become more intense.  First, the honeymoon lasted a few weeks. Then two weeks of coldness.  Then a month or so of honeymoon. Then a statement of "let's just be friends." The very next day she contacted me and asked, "so you don't want to talk to me anymore?' Then the intensity and coldness increased at the end of each cycle.  I probably went through this five times.  The last cycle ended with a month of silence with a dramatic, "I'm depressed and you don't deserve me" return.  Now we went through three months of a honeymoon and a declaration of "do not contact me again."

What will it be this time? In three months she'll say, "that was a huge mistake?" This is difficult, distressing, and hurtful.  I think I need to find a therapist who specializes in this kind of circumstance to help me through it. 

[Lonely_Astro]

Astro, another thing that is upsetting is I don't even know for a fact that she has BPD. I could be way off base here. I'm not a medical professional. She has thyroid disease which can cause Bipolar like symptoms (which can be similar); so I don't know for a fact what is going on medically.  This adds to the confusion.  Also, I'm very afraid that I will fall back into bad habits if she tries to recycle me. 

It's funny that you mention the honeymoon phase doesn't last as long.  In my particular situation, both the honeymoon phase and the recycle have become more intense.  First, the honeymoon lasted a few weeks. Then two weeks of coldness.  Then a month or so of honeymoon. Then a statement of "let's just be friends." The very next day she contacted me and asked, "so you don't want to talk to me anymore?' Then the intensity and coldness increased at the end of each cycle.  I probably went through this five times.  The last cycle ended with a month of silence with a dramatic, "I'm depressed and you don't deserve me" return.  Now we went through three months of a honeymoon and a declaration of "do not contact me again."

What will it be this time? In three months she'll say, "that was a huge mistake?" This is difficult, distressing, and hurtful.  I think I need to find a therapist who specializes in this kind of circumstance to help me through it. 

Yes, speaking to a therapist about all this would help you find your balance and help you find your path.

BPD or not, it sounds like the r/s is unhealthy.  So even if you leave the label off, it's still a r/s that has issues and isn't healthy for either of you.  Push/pull behavior is common with someone who has a cluster b disorder.  Since everyone is an individual and these disorders are spectrum in nature, some of us see the honeymoon phase last a few weeks, months, or years.  But the end result is the same: we get discarded like yesterday's trash.

This hurts us, of course.  Even if you were like me and knew full well what you were getting into, it still hurts.  My ex was dating 2 guys while being in limbo with me, only to tiptoe around going at it one more time, all the while she was "head over heels in love" with my replacement.  That was devastating.  It still is.

One of the best things you can do in this moment is read about what I've mentioned. You may want to check out the 'deciding' board as well, as it seems to me that you aren't fully ready to detach from her. Detaching is a process and doesn't instantly happen, but only you can decide whether you want to attempt to repair the r/s or not.  It's your life, after all.  But, don't be surprised when the rattlesnake bites you again and again.  I've been 2 rounds with mine.  Never, ever again.

[sweet tooth]

If I get H O O V E R E D I will be in a no win situation:

-If decide to shut her out I'll feel heart broken again and feel like I'll miss out on good times.

-If I decide to spend time with her I'll lose the respect of my family and friends and set myself up for failure.

[Lonely_Astro]

If I get H O O V E R E D I will be in a no win situation:

-If decide to shut her out I'll feel heart broken again and feel like I'll miss out on good times.

-If I decide to spend time with her I'll lose the respect of my family and friends and set myself up for failure.

What I'm reading is someone who's worried about others and not themselves.  What you need to focus on right now is YOU and what YOU want.  Not what others want/expect of you.

It takes two to tango. You can't get sucked back in, unless you allow it.  If YOU decide to go back, that's YOUR choice... .not hers.  If you decide not to, that's YOUR decision.  One thing that I can promise you is that if you go back, nothing will change.  Is a few weeks of "good times" worth the pain you keep experiencing over and over again?