Introduction Thread

[kate3878]

Hi Everyone,

It's wonderful that there is a support group for individuals who have BPD or are dealing with a significant other with BPD. In my case, I've been dealing with a Mother who was never treated for Borderline Personality Disorder, and now I'm an adult and I've had some very disturbing issues and problems having to deal with her behavior.

I read an article that stated that Mothers will often sabotage the relationship between their children and their children's Father because the Mother is afraid the Father will love the Children more than the Mother. I notice my Mother becoming visibly angry if my Father is nice to me. I have a dysfunctional relationship with my Father due to the fact that my Mother likes manipulating people and making people angry at each other. She will often tell me that my Father has done stuff to her too, and I don't know if all of it is true, because apparently she says this stuff about me. The only person she doesn't talk about is my younger Brother, who she adores because he waits on her.

I was diagnosed at 34 with BPD, and that was very hard to accept. I don't know if it's a real diagnosis because it was diagnosed so late in life and I think I might have been dealing with more anxiety, anger and frustration, and in turn, self destructing because of a dysfunctional childhood. The assessment was done when I was older, and had I know I had this disorder at a younger age, it would have been easier to understand and deal with, but I can see some traits, and I have partaken in DBT. I've had certain Psych's tell me that it's PTSD, and then I was assessed once and told I had BPD. Again, I'd like to get assessed by someone else.

Going back to my Mother, she was in a Coma because she let her health decline and decided that it wasn't worth it to take care of herself. We were fully prepared for her to pass away in December 2015, but she came out of the Coma. It has been two months since she has been home, and she still refuses to recover. She expects people to wait on her, and if you tell her that it would be good for her to try to regain her strength and live again, she will get furious.

My Mother is the type of woman who is very good at blaming other people, but cannot take criticism at all. After she was out of the coma, and was simply recovering at the hospital with my brother by her side, she called me while I was at work and requested that I drop what I was doing to be with her because that's what she wanted, and it didn't matter that I had a deadline. I told her I would come up to the hospital, regardless of the fact that I had lived at the hospital for months. I got to the hospital and I was visibly upset and she actually had security called and had me removed from the room because she said I was "hostile." I am really trying to forgive her for her behavior, but I cannot imagine what she was thinking or why she even asked me to leave work?

She has no idea what she put our family through, and now she's doing the same exact thing by refusing to take care of herself. Part of me thinks that being sick is her way of getting attention and it really bothers me, but there is nothing I can do about it. When I was younger, she was there for me emotionally, but now she seems dead inside. She also has an addiction to painkillers and refuses to take anything to ween herself off of the painkillers. She often talks about how unhappy she is with my Father, but when she gets into an argument with anyone else, my Father becomes her best friend again, and she is no longer angry at him. It's also interesting that the men in my family can say hideous things to her, and she wants their approval and it might make her sad but she doesn't get angry. If I say anything that slightly offends her, she will ostracize me or make me feel like I was the worst child in the world. I do remember being a little girl (probably about 4,) and having her tell me that she wanted to leave me and my Father. I remember her being an unstable parent. She was physically there, but emotionally I'm sure there were many problems. Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this one?

[livednlearned]

Hi kate3878,

Hello and welcome 

End of life health issues and untreated mental illness are so hard.  :'( I'm so sorry you are going through this with your mom.

My grandmother (uBPD) had a lot of somatic issues that kept the family constantly tending to her needs. Like you mention, I think there can often be a refusal to recover because being ill is productive in a way, even though it puts a burden on the family. Does your mom experience any paranoia?

How are you holding up through this? It's important to take care of yourself, though that can be easier said than done if you've never had a healthy role model about what that entails. It's tough, too, with siblings in the picture who get the golden child treatment. How do the two of you get along?

I'm glad you're here and looking for support. It can really help to know that you're not alone, and that others understand what you're going through.

LnL

[Kwamina]

Hi kate3878

I would like to join livednlearned in welcoming you here

Your mother was never treated for BPD but did she perhaps ever get diagnosed with any disorder? Did she perhaps ever get help for any of her issues?

You said when you were younger she was there for you emotionally but now she seems dead inside. Would you say there was a significant turning point in her behavior or was it more of a gradual process?

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with certain issues in their adult lives. Sometimes these children also develop BPD and other times it's more a case of learned or copied unhealthy behavior. Often children of BPD parents learn/copy a lot of BPD-like behaviors from them. Fortunately these behaviors can be better managed through hard work and commitment. We have a thread about this subject:

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

We also have a thread here about dealing with trauma that I think you might find interesting:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Take care