POLL: Have you had a "breakthrough crisis"? (Survivors' Guide step #1)

[windyeyes]

Have you had a breakthrough crisis?

Yes.  I've had many, and have made many good, positive changes, but this last one was the final straw.  I've been venting to a trusted family member that I couldn't take any more, and it was prophetic. 

What triggered it?

My uBPD mom threatened me out of a clear blue sky to take away POA because I put the brakes on her coming for a visit after an argument.  I told her I didn't want to speak with her, nor did I want her here.  A couple of days passed, and she called insisting I had a blouse of hers which I denied (this has been going on for months).  Just a reason to call.  Then the requisite list of demands.  I put her off.  She called a couple of hours later w/that news.  That's her way of painting me black.  I was so stung (yet again) and hurt, and I thought, "that's it."  I'm really done.

How did you get through it?

I got back on this board.  Ironically, it was almost a year to the day when I signed up here.  I posted, which is still very difficult for me.  Lots of shame and guilt.  I've been using EMDR that I found here.  Also, that episode w/her triggered some very old memories, and it was very scary.  I just stayed with the feeling, tried to stay as present as possible without repressing or pushing anything away.  My heart felt as if it were sliding around inside of my chest.  Alot of old grief came up and out through tears.  Yes, I had a really good cry, but this was somehow different.  Just pure grief.  The next day, I had a ton more energy. 

I've decided to work through the lessons here, and post.  I'm going through the book The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes again.  I started reading it about a year ago, and it's as if I never read it all.  I'm learning the basic EMDR excercise, and applying it.  Just using whatever helps, and sticking with it.  Also, meditation, excercise and just staying present.

How are you doing now?

Much better.  I'm feeling supported thanks to this board, and feeling more control over my own life knowing that:  1) I'm not alone - I have excellent support should I chose it  2) there are things I can do change my situation and 3) my life is not over, nor is it hopeless.

[mjh8808]

Have you had a breakthrough crisis?

I think I am going through one now...


What triggered it?

Well I moved out this summer before moving to college because i just could not take my uBPDm's rages and threats of suicide anymore. My family on stepdad's side moved me out of town because they could tell I was at the edge... .as one said I was on my last thread and it was on fire. The cousin i stayed with made me promise her to get counseling when I got to college. Started 4 weeks ago and my T instantly agreed with a psych teacher I had talked to that my mom has BPD. She has had me reading SWOE, which she has made me  stop now til we meet tomorrow because I have been having nightmares/memories and more anxiety attacks. It has brought up memories from my childhood that I didn't remember and it is forcing me to accept that maybe I was abused by my mom. It is so hard because her "abuse" isnt/wasnt as PHYSICAL as my real dad's was (bruises, one broken elbow, sexual abuse). Hers is more emotional and somewhat physical.

How did you get through it?

haven't yet, and right now Im reading all of these stories to see how others got through because I dont feel like I am going to get through it. I havent had a good night's sleep in 3 weeks (aside when i take something to knock me out and feel groggy the next day) and have been having anxiety attacks almost everyday.  My T says this is normal for a child of a borderline mom and we would talk about these dreams/memories tomorrow in counseling, IF she cant work me in today...

How are you doing now?

not good.

[Zitronenbaum]

Some, at least two major ones if you do not count puberty . First with 26 after actually realizing how it "felt" to love (no happy end but still, what a revelation) instead of staying under an abusive fear relationship, and I failed an exam in the aftermath twice, last one I ever failed up to now. (I failed 3 part exams in my times, unfortunately one only strike my mother attacked me the morning and weeks before, suddenly thinking she should take control of my education having passed lowest educational levels by a mercy fraud of the headmaster, than this second one, twice. Omg should I not have met these people called my parents.)

Second crisis was with 33/34 when I got mobbed out of my job, actually my career, after having been "shipped out by the necessities of the educational system" deep into a dying woodland area without any emotional, functional or monetarian family support (what do you expect from someone who has 5 people change her dipers while propagating that with twelve one has to deal with child abusers on herself and not bother mother with it) and no friends around.

At the moment I am hopefully in more of a break away crisis. I am astounded by the amount of hate I have, and I'll have to put into the right place and construct to do this to get that aliens retractable mouth-extension out of my back's side were it bit me to gnaw a whole into me and eat my heart, and to board up that hole for good.

[Nelson]

I had no idea there was a name for it. I called it shattering.

Have you had a breakthrough crisis?

Yes, I did.

What triggered it?

I wanted children. This want was the lifeline by which I pulled myself out of the relationship with my borderline ex, who was 20 years older than me, and no longer able to have children. But we still kept in contact. One day, about 18 months later, she admitted to me that she selflessly kept secret the fact that she had fathered a child conceived the last time we had sex. I felt unconditional love in that moment. A child, that was mine, mine to protect, and to raise. I felt so much love. unconditional love. It was... .incredible. And then she told me it had died. Now I imagine it was her trying to employ an empathy hook, looking for sympathy, or guilt. She missed that target by a mile. That moment when I found out I had a child, that powerful, realization was only matched in its intensity by the horror that followed. By the loss. I had managed to avoid breaking for so long, I had managed to survive for so long, but that broke me, finally. I was no longer capable of giving. It short circuited the guilt trip and left me no choice but to turn my back on her completely. It became a life or death matter.

How did you get through it?

Like a newborn baby I was completely exposed to the world. The pain of other people was an unbearable addition to my own. Everything got to me. I didn't quite get to that point, but I completely understand now what makes a soldier wounded on the battlefield cry out for their mother. Every defense I had was burned away in a blaze of pain that didn't seem to end. I cried so much. I cried myself awake and I cried myself asleep. I lay in bed. I stopped eating. I wanted to die. My physical decay was soothing to me because it showed me my mortality. I got through it simply because time passed, and I didn't die. The fuel of my pain was spent. I learned to cope because I was forced to. My defenses rebuilt themselves.

How are you doing now?

I could be doing better. As far as my experience with BPD go, the aftermath, confused, sometimes. At odds with myself sometimes. What I need and what I want are not the same thing, and I know that. I know what is bad for me. I don't think I can stop wanting what is bad for me, I can merely avoid seeking or engaging it. That seems good enough. I'm not longer vulnerable to emotional manipulation. I no longer feel responsible for the emotional states of other people. I don't know if it's because of that. I was not unhappy when I emerged from my shattering. I remember feeling much like a teenager again. The world full of possibilities. I remember seeing a path for myself. The vision of a future. Other things have happened since, completely unrelated, that took that away again, but for a while, life was good.

[nowitmakessense]

I'm not sure.  I have been thinking a lot about things that have happened, and I have a new sense of wanting to remove myself from my family. I've always had memories and carried my child abuse around with me my whole life... .it was severe, so I never really was able to not think about it, which is why I'm not sure if I've had a crisis... .but I do have a strong desire to break away and to heal, never really had that before, I finally set some limits with my mother and it took so much courage to do it, and that seems to have triggered something

[happykiwi]

Have you had a breakthrough crisis?

Yep I sure did!

What triggered it?

My Mother came to visit after nearly a year apart and I found myself feeling terrible.  On the way home from the airport I was driving yet knew I was in flight or fight mode.  I kept listening to this person who was my Mother and realising that she was a very ugly, toxic human being.  Then being so confused, as who on earth feels that way about their Mum?  For the two weeks she was here she expected to be taken everywhere and spoilt and got quite put out when we didn't 'entertain' her.  She didn't lift one finger to assist me with any meals, clearing the table etc, she just sat their like King Tut.  She also attempted to triangulate between Me and my children.  I remember being so confused and asking my husband what was wrong with me?  Why don't I like my Mum?  He just said that I was finally seeing her truth.  He has always seen her ugliness and never understood why I put up with it.  I realised I had been completely blind to her ways.  Wow.  Then the floodgates opened and I finally realised my childhood had not been one supported by a nurturing Mother.  Then the grieving process started.

How did you get through it?

The day she left I couldn't even drive her to the airport.  I knew I would go mad if I had to be in the presence of her ugly, draining, toxic energy.  My husband kindly did the deed for me.  I went into the office and typed into Google 'why do i hate my Mother?'.  And I was guided to this website and all the same confronting stories of similarities.  It helped me understand the grieving process.  I grieved for a child that didn't have unconditional love.  I grieved for a child that was repeatedly told she was selfish, spiteful and whose thighs made so too much noise rubbing together as she walked.  Then I got angry.  I relished that anger.  I realised I have never allowed anger into my life.  I have always tampered it down.  That anger allowed me to block her on my phone (ahhh the relief) and go NC with her.  I have now been NC with her for nearly a year.  And in that year I have become a very peaceful person that understands what happened to me as a child sucked but I am a great human and am blessed with so much love in my life.  And I know my children have a Mum that they will never dread or be confused about when it comes to buying a Mother's Day card.

How are you doing now?

As stated previously I am doing well.  I have moved on from last year and count my blessings that I finally, at the age of 44, realised what my Mother is/was.  Since removing her from my life wonderful things have happened and great people have come into my life.  I give gratitude every day for my family and the love I feel for my children.  I realise we all make each other happy and no one demands that love or happiness from one another.  Very grateful to my patient Hubby who listened to me throughout the year on this subject and gave his shoulder for me to lean on or just his ear and kindness.

Being NC for me is like breaking free from a prison I didn't know I was in.  I truly am flying emotionally free now.  Sometimes I will remember something horrible she had said or done to me and now I'll actually smile to myself in wonderment at her cruelty and amazement that I turned out so NOT like her.

She is broken, I forgive her.  But she will never change and neither will my NC status.