In my first marriage, many the things I really liked to do, such as dance, yoga and playing tennis, were seen by my husband as things that took time away from him and he was jealous. So, to try to keep him happy, I quit doing the things I loved and spent more time with him. Over time, I lost so much of myself trying to please and placate him.
After I divorced, I vowed to never do this again. It's hard, when you're in a marriage, especially when married to someone with a personality disorder, to totally assert your selfhood. There's always compromises and the desire to please your partner. But this time, I've largely managed to avoid that pitfall and I do what I please and have a great time doing it.
That said, it doesn't stop the guilt tripping entirely, but I've learned to live with it and not give it extra juice by feeling guilty when accused of selfishness. When those accusations come up, and they do so much less frequently, I agree. "Yep, I'm selfish. That must be hard for you to be around."
I wish I had realized long ago that responses I didn't want could far more easily be extinguished by not giving them attention. I must have slept through Psychology 101 during the Operant Conditioning lectures.
