Telling BPD Sister to no longer contact me

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum.  I have been lurking for awhile but now ready to post and get some advice.

I have a sister who is BPD - formally diagnosed.  Thankfully for me, we have no contact except when she txts me when she is drunk now and then.  

She is an alcoholic which obviously doesn't help her situation and she plays the Victim in everything.  She blames everyone else for her life, etc.

Anyway, she was obviously very drunk AGAIN on the weekend and sent a number of vile aggressive txts to me.  

Today I will be sitting down and typing her an email.  Telling her to leave me alone and if she txts me one more time, I will take formal action in terms of going to the police and apply for an AVO.  She doesn't live far from me and by what she writes in her txts I wouldn't put it passed her to be physically violent towards me.  I usually know that when she is firing off her txts, she is too drunk to leave her house - she usually ends up passing out.  

Firstly, I shouldn't have to put up with her abusive txts.  Secondly, I do fear for my safety given her rage towards me. Her anger towards me is unbelievable.

What makes me laugh is she tells me she wants nothing to do with me but she is the one that txts me and initiates contact... .

When a BPD person is in their moment of clarity and clear thinking, do you think she will agree to this or will this just send her off the deep end again?

To let you all know, this has been happening for a number yrs.

Thanks for reading.

Manning

[Manning]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum.  I have been lurking for awhile but now ready to post and get some advice.

I have a sister who is BPD - formally diagnosed.  Thankfully for me, we have no contact except when she txts me when she is drunk now and then.  

She is an alcoholic which obviously doesn't help her situation and she plays the Victim in everything.  She blames everyone else for her life, etc.

Anyway, she was obviously very drunk AGAIN on the weekend and sent a number of vile aggressive txts to me.  

Today I will be sitting down and typing her an email.  Telling her to leave me alone and if she txts me one more time, I will take formal action in terms of going to the police and apply for an AVO.  She doesn't live far from me and by what she writes in her txts I wouldn't put it passed her to be physically violent towards me.  I usually know that when she is firing off her txts, she is too drunk to leave her house - she usually ends up passing out.  

Firstly, I shouldn't have to put up with her abusive txts.  Secondly, I do fear for my safety given her rage towards me. Her anger towards me is unbelievable.

What makes me laugh is she tells me she wants nothing to do with me but she is the one that txts me and initiates contact... .

When a BPD person is in their moment of clarity and clear thinking, do you think she will agree to this or will this just send her off the deep end again?

To let you all know, this has been happening for a number yrs.

Thanks for reading.

Manning

[Turkish]

Hi Manning,

It sounds like she is only abusive when drunk, right? How is your r/s when she's sober, any rage then?

Turkish

[Kwamina]

Hi Manning and welcome to bpdfamily

Your sister's behavior sounds quite unpleasant indeed. She has been formally diagnosed with BPD, when did that happen and did she ever get treatment/therapy for her BPD?

She drinks, rages and sends hurtful messages. I think it's understandable that you don't want to deal with abusive behavior. You mention that you basically are no contact with her, except for the messages she sends you. How long have you been NC with her?

We have a resource here that you might find helpful. It's a communication technique called B.I.F.F. which can help when dealing with hostile text/email communications. The acronym B.I.F.F. stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil) and Firm:

Much of hostile mail does not need a response... .The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

Some letters and e-mails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process—or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. If so, use a BIFF response.

You can read more here: Dealing with hostile text/email communications

[squareone]

Hi there,

I'm glad i stumbled on this tonight.

I'm having a similar problem with my brother but doesn't he need to drink to send nasty messages. He sends them whenever he starts to feel bad for himself. It's often along the lines of me never loving him when we were younger. The last time we were speaking it was under his terms in that I had to prove that I cared enough by being the only one to call. This was fine but because I thought I'll just call him when i think of him. It was a little uncomfortable but i thought hey this is how he needs it to be I can do that. Then the holidays came and he freaked out with a super nasty email to me but also addressed to the whole family which I didn't respond to. Then he's kept on with these group emails. My parents respond but it's just fodder for him.

So I've decided just not to respond. I typed a few responses but they all seem pointless. I'm thinking of just never contacting him unless he takes responsibility for his anger. Is this naive? 

I like the idea of BIFF but not sure I should engage at all. Good idea?

Hopefully hear something back.

B2sq1

[Turkish]

I've found that BIFF can work verbally as well. We can choose not to engage a dysregulating person.

[squareone]

And we'll never know which is appropriate to use?

I just really don't want to enable anymore. I see my parents doing that and things stay the same if not get worse.

[Starting_Over]

Do you have a therapist? I find my therapist is great for helping me manage unwanted contact. It can be hard to not write triggering messages when toxic family crosses your boundaries. I either email my therapist for advice before responding, or hold off on responding until after my next session.

I have never received physical threats, but there was this one interesting time that my sister thought it would be funny to text me from my mom's phone saying that I was adopted... .my mother found it funny too. The whole experience made me wish that I was actually adopted. I handled the situation fairly well, but I later learned in therapy that I could have done a few things better.