Silent treatment after trying to discuss relationship

[roger321]

Met a girl about 6 months ago, and hit it off immediately...   Not just sexually, but great chemistry... Laughter, just a great connection. I did go through the "lovebombing" phase in which everything about me is just awesome... .After researching I find she fits all of the criteria for BPD to a tee.

This has been our pattern...

When I am just being "luke warm", she texts, wants to see me etc... if I ever ask to see her, she backs off... .  Comes up with an excuse etc... She also hates compliments apparently, but says she likes them... Compliments lead to her backing off.

A month ago she just flat out said she couldn't see me anyone, bad timing/family issues and she disappeared completely... I was pretty hurt, but got over it...

Then she comes back... .Wanted to see me... Came over, and gave me a long hand written letter, with a card and gift... We ended up having sex... She was contacting me constantly for days after, but I really needed to actually talk about what we are doing as she was texting me wonderful things, but we weren't seeing each other in person.   

So again, I told her if we are seeing each other we need to see each other and talk about what we want...   I told her I can't do this sort of vague relationship that is extremely deep, but also nothing.

She then sent me some conflicting text saying "What do you want from me?  You want me to be the girl you just have sex with? or the girl you date? I would love to date you SOO much, but you remind me of a bad time, so it would be tough... I guess this is it... "

I then sent her a few lengthy texts explaining why I need clarification, and asking why she came back if I am connected to some sort of bad memories, because I just happened to meet her at a bad time in her life... What was the point to coming back again?

I got no replies... Silent treatment now for 4 days...

Is that customary BPD behavior?  I am in a position, oddly, where I feel like I hurt her...   But she won't answer anything... .I haven't overly contacted her, but did send a message per day.

She could never discuss what we were actually doing, or what she wants, but was always "lovebombing"

What is my best course of action?  Just move on?  Try to contact her again? Does she need to "trust me", or is this just a lost cause...

My conunudrum is that she is unique and we have great chemistry, but after 6 months if we can't even talk about what we want from each other it is seemingly a pointless and a waste of time...

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[Turkish]

Hi roger 321,

In short, what does your gut tell you about what you want and need? Whether you want to pursue this or detach, we can help and support you either way.

Given that you posted to the Improving Board, you can start by taking a look at the lessins to the right of the board. As it says, starting by understanding these behaviors is a good start. It leads to learning the validation tools which can help you reduce conflict on your side. Typically, the long exolanations don't register, but rather trigger the core feelings of fear of abandonment and perhaps even her shame ("I'm unlovable".

My Ex did this push-pull behavior in the beginning, and it was nothing short of confusing. Here's the thing, and it took me years to realize this: I wasn't responsible for her emotions. I did, however, contribute to escalating dysregulations due to my lack of understanding both her, and also my role in the r/s (Lesson 2).

That being said, she's here and there. With you, but not with you. Partners are triggers, often unwittingly. Identifying how we may inadvertently trigger our partners is a good first step. Maybe this can help, tell me what you think:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Turkish