I have realized the severity of my 40 year sons' social disorder

[Oldmom]

There is significant relationship stresses in my family.  I have 6 children ages 41 to 55 years old.  I have realized the actions, words and thoughts of my first son, 42years old, born after 4 daughters, are damaging to others and very painful for him. I am not sure what to do about it to help us understand, support and move toward healthier interactions with each other and with this son. We are pretty open and clear with each other and also the women are quite educated in health matters.  This son does not relate normally,  in that he seems to feel he knows what is best for everyone and sees them as having various problems (which all seem to me to be rather clear problems which he has).  He says cutting, put down things and seems oblivious to this, and (feels he is being supportive and others are not at all)- his brother, one year younger and has had learning disabilities but is quite functional, feels he has to withdraw and stop 'trying' to make the relationship work.  I have just woken up to how off base things are.  I want to do what I can and really have little idea of how to proceed.  He had been living with me for a few months but he is now in his own place and that has given me the freedom to think a little more clearly about the issues.  I think perhaps most of my daughters are pretty clear about it to varying degrees. We are all still engaged with each other and have relatively normal lives going on. By normal I mean relatively understanding of each other and spending some time visiting each other.  However this one son has very strong ideas and cannot hear what others say and projects his errors onto others in his mind. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Oldmom,

Welcome to the Parenting Board!

I'm sorry to learn that you believe your son may have BPD or traits of BPD. 

Has he ever been to a counselor or therapist?

What traits of the disorder do you believe he has?

Here is a short video and article about identifying the traits of BPD and if our loved ones may suffer from it or traits of it.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

lbj

[Oldmom]

I am not sure if the parenting board is the right place for me as I am 81 and my son is 41 - I do think this site seems a wonderful help - I just found it tonight and I really look forward to dialogue with others.  It is so painful to see my son;s pain and also the pain to his brother and sisters.  I am reading through the tools.  I want to know how to reach out in a good way and how to properly respond when there are hurting things done and said.   Thank you. 

[lbjnltx]

Yes, you are in the right place! 

The Parenting Board is for parents of children with BPD or traits of BPD regardless of their age or ours.  They will always be "our kids" and we will always be "their parent".

The Tools and Lessons are a great place to start learning how to "stop making things worse" so that they can get better.

I look forward to working alongside you as you have questions and share your experiences.

lbj

[Huat]

Hello Oldmom!

"Oldmom", you are still a Mom at 81!   I am not far behind you.  Is there ever a point in time when the umbilical cord is really severed?  As the saying goes, from-the-womb-to-the-tomb... .and all that goes in-between.

So, so sorry that you have this worry at this stage of the game.  Thankfully you have other children who understand and are there to support you through this.

Keep connecting and keep doing your homework.