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Going backwards, seemingly out of nowhere.
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Topic: Going backwards, seemingly out of nowhere. (Read 676 times)
samanthagrace
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 24
Going backwards, seemingly out of nowhere.
«
on:
March 10, 2016, 07:48:03 AM »
I've posted on this forum a few times before and have given my story. This may turn into a mess of a post as I'm typing on my phone, so I apologize ahead of time. Not even sure what I'm looking for, I guess just advice or reassurance that this is normal. My relationship lasted about 2 years, most of it was horrible, on and off and I was anxious and uncomfortable. I knew I needed to leave him but I kept coming back on my own, not even with reassurance from him that things would change or an acknowledgment of how his behavior was hurtful. If just come back and he would tell me things would be okay "if I would just let them be." We ended in October when he told me he couldn't handle my abuse and he blocked my number. We have talked a few times since then, he texted me New Year's Day with everything I had been wanting to hear from him but when he realized he still had control over me and I wasn't detached, everything was my fault again and he said I was toxic and we cut off all contact a month ago. Anyways, I thought I've been doing better. I got a second job to stay busy and quiet the thoughts. Sometimes I notice I've goon a few hours without thinking of him and it feels great. I've been on a vacation for about a week with family, going from working 65-70 hour weeks the last four months to having nothing but leisurely time to think, I've been thinking about him non stop and the second I wake up. This morning I cried over it for the first time in a month. I've cried over this enough times and I'm upset that I'm upset right now. I seem to be having the same awful thoughts, thinking maybe I can reach out to him and apologize for the hurtful things I said to him before we blocked each other after he called me toxic and I attacked him. I know no good will come of it in the long run. I find myself questioning things again, even searching the Internet for "reasonable needs in a relationship" as I wonder if I really was asking too much from him. It's been four months since we cut contact everyday and it's been 6 months since we have seen each other, I'm just so upset that it's having this effect on me still and spoiling my vacation. I just want it to be a distant memory already, I'm so over dwelling!
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samanthagrace
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 24
Re: Going backwards, seemingly out of nowhere.
«
Reply #1 on:
March 10, 2016, 07:52:03 AM »
Forgot to mention that it also feels terrible as I am here visiting my grandmother at her condo by the beach, we moved down here two years ago and I came up to visit and spent the whole time I was here moping and crying in the guest room several times a day. That was during the first turn in our relationship where he completely cut me off out of nowhere. So it feels pretty crappy to be in the same place, 2 years later, crying about the same boy.
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Lonely_Astro
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 703
Re: Going backwards, seemingly out of nowhere.
«
Reply #2 on:
March 10, 2016, 09:48:27 AM »
First off, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's tough when you start to grieve for someone. Back and forth emotions are all part of it on the path to 'acceptance'. Everyone goes through it when we lose someone special to us... .and our exes were special to us, no matter what.
The hardest part to let go of is the fantasy of them. We all made promises and plans for a future with our ex. We all understand that sometimes relationships don't work out, right? What makes these so confusing is they often end out of the blue. Just *poof* over. Then we're left trying to figure out what's wrong with us that made them leave like that. The answer is: nothing. We aren't the issue, the issue lies inside of them.
I know you can't see it right now, but him leaving your life is the greatest gift he could've ever given you. I was devastated when my ex left (though she didn't leave, it was limbo). I cried many nights over her, wishing she'd come back, that I'd get "my" J back. I fought to get her back, at the cost of myself. Now, having been removed from her orbit for a little over a month, I still have my moments of missing her (the her I knew, anyway). I still miss those words that were said, those plans made. But I also know she did me a favor by leaving me. I thought, while in the FOG, I was happy with her. The blunt truth is I wasn't. I was paranoid, depressed, hypervigilant, codependent, and just simply a mess by the 'end' of our r/s.
The whole time I was going through this (and still am), she was seeing my replacement all the while tiptoeing around reconciliation with me. Why I say that is because I don't want you to think he is seeing the breakup the same way you are, most likely he's not.
Take some time for yourself on this vacation to do what YOU like to do. I can promise you'll think of him at some point (I did). When that happens, think and/or say out loud "cancel". Immediately think of another thought. This will serve to rewire your brain. Thats how I began to distance my thoughts from J. It takes time and doesn't happen overnight.
Keep healing.
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Lucky Jim
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Posts: 6211
Re: Going backwards, seemingly out of nowhere.
«
Reply #3 on:
March 10, 2016, 09:53:28 AM »
Excerpt
Take some time for yourself on this vacation to do what YOU like to do. I can promise you'll think of him at some point (I did). When that happens, think and/or say out loud "cancel". Immediately think of another thought. This will serve to rewire your brain. Thats how I began to distance my thoughts from J. It takes time and doesn't happen overnight.
Good advice, Lonely Astro. I use this technique myself!
LuckyJim
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
HarleypsychRN
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 97
Re: Going backwards, seemingly out of nowhere.
«
Reply #4 on:
March 10, 2016, 10:46:18 AM »
Quote from: Lonely_Astro on March 10, 2016, 09:48:27 AM
The hardest part to let go of is the fantasy of them. We all made promises and plans for a future with our ex. We all understand that sometimes relationships don't work out, right? What makes these so confusing is they often end out of the blue. Just *poof* over. Then we're left trying to figure out what's wrong with us that made them leave like that. The answer is: nothing. We aren't the issue, the issue lies inside of them.
You tell yourself that it is YOUR FAULT because the thought that it is THEM, means that your dreams of have a "normal" relationship with them will never happen... .it's like having your dreams crushed. As long as you take responsibility for them blindsiding you, you shelter yourself from the hard reality that it is their pathology and nothing you can do or say will ever make them able to have a normal loving relationship with you. At least that what helps me make sense of my ex-BPD girlfriend.
They see you as objects (so says my therapist) not as people who need to be loved. That's why they can discard you for seemingly no reason. Mine was completely empty and cold when she left me (without any notice). People, that is crazy... .normal feeling people do not do that (and I know my experience is NOT out of the ordinary)... .so WHY would you want someone like that in your life?
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Lonely_Astro
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 703
Re: Going backwards, seemingly out of nowhere.
«
Reply #5 on:
March 10, 2016, 11:20:20 AM »
Quote from: HarleypsychRN on March 10, 2016, 10:46:18 AM
Quote from: Lonely_Astro on March 10, 2016, 09:48:27 AM
The hardest part to let go of is the fantasy of them. We all made promises and plans for a future with our ex. We all understand that sometimes relationships don't work out, right? What makes these so confusing is they often end out of the blue. Just *poof* over. Then we're left trying to figure out what's wrong with us that made them leave like that. The answer is: nothing. We aren't the issue, the issue lies inside of them.
You tell yourself that it is YOUR FAULT because the thought that it is THEM, means that your dreams of have a "normal" relationship with them will never happen... .it's like having your dreams crushed. As long as you take responsibility for them blindsiding you, you shelter yourself from the hard reality that it is their pathology and nothing you can do or say will ever make them able to have a normal loving relationship with you. At least that what helps me make sense of my ex-BPD girlfriend.
They see you as objects (so says my therapist) not as people who need to be loved. That's why they can discard you for seemingly no reason. Mine was completely empty and cold when she left me (without any notice). People, that is crazy... .normal feeling people do not do that (and I know my experience is NOT out of the ordinary)... .so WHY would you want someone like that in your life?
I'm not sure if you're agreeing with my statement or not. What I was saying was that when your first discarded, you're in a tailspin. You try to figure out what you did 'wrong' to make someone vacate your life, especially after being so close to someone. With time and distance, you begin to realize that it's not you that was the issue, it was them.
You aren't sheltering yourself from anything. It's human nature to look within at first. Some of us encountered a pwBPD without knowing they had the disorder. Others, like me, re-entered a r/s with the knowledge that their partner was and made an educated decision to give it a try. Frankly, I was misled by my ex immediately from the start. We were NC for 3 years. When we started talking again, she had told me she was managed. She openly talked about her BPD with me and all the work she had done to manage it (meds for coexisting issues, DBT, etc). It turns out, that was all a lie (at least the vast majority of it was).
I expected the r/s to be up and down. I expected it to take more work than a 'normal' r/s, which was something we openly discussed at the start (and throughout) it. If ever there were a chance for success, I had it... .or so I thought. It didn't turn out that way, of course. I was with her long enough to be the villain (in her eyes). Even then, she didn't want to let me go, 'just in case'.
So some would say "what was wrong with you to want this person in your life?" I had hope she was managed and that she was who she was claiming to be. BPDs are people too, even if they're troubled. But just because they are troubled doesn't excuse some of the atrocious behavior they subject their 'loved ones' to. No, there must be some accountability. Being 'sick' doesn't equal an excuse.
So, I tried and it didn't work out. Our failure wasn't easy for me to accept. It wasn't easy to see that hope fade. I believe that J did love me the best that she could, at some point during this. It just wasn't sustainable. I heard her complaining about my replacement the other day (we all work together). So guess what? The pattern is repeating.
Anyway, what I was trying to convey was that we aren't always the fault for the r/s ending. There's literally nothing we could've done to stop the rupture and the abandonment of our exes.
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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211
Re: Going backwards, seemingly out of nowhere.
«
Reply #6 on:
March 10, 2016, 12:26:13 PM »
Wow, Lonely Astro, that was extremely powerful and insightful. Agree, most BPD relationships are not built for the long haul. The price is too high. I'm a strong person, but BPD is stronger, I discovered. I nearly destroyed myself physically, emotionally and financially in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD. Towards the end, I was a shell of my former self and had nothing left in the tank. Fortunately, two kind friends and a family member intervened, because at that point I lacked the strength to leave. They saved my life, though it was still a long, tough road out of the Woods. Five years later, I'm back on my path.
LuckyJim
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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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