What is going on? Some input would be greatly appreciated.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am new here but have been lurking for a month or so just so I can get some much needed answers so my brain can rest. Unfortunately although I've found some similar issues with other people everyone's situation is still a unique one. So is mine.

I met this guy a couple of years ago. He already had some mental health issues and they were very intense (depression, ocd, anxiety) but he didn't seem to have a personality disorder. He was a very intens person with lovely thoughts and that attracted me to him. I could talk to him about almost everything. (later I found out, he was doing the talking and it wasn't with me but AT me). We had a thing for some time but were more like friends with benifets. We did have this amazing bond that we both didn't want to lose, ever! When the benefits stopped (I couldn't do it anymore) I kind of had trouble with it. That brought its problems.

Well time passed on and he didn't want me to date anyone. He regretted saying that later but still. He said we had a way too intens and emotional relationship (with sometimes still a little touching) that he couldn't deal with me dating. Especially because he had so many issues he felt that a 'healthy new guy' would swoop me of my feeth. Stupid me. And especially me, unconditional me, I agreed because I did not want to lose him. I could wait.

During these years he always used to put me down. ':)o you think you are as goodlooking as me? I had model type girls. You have weird shoes. You have a weird mouth. You have no expression on your face. ' These small things started getting to me real fast. Especially because we weren't together so he could talk about other girls while putting me down a day later. That made a dent in my self esteem (later on, he said I was insecure all the time and that he didn't have any part of it) and I started arguing with him about girls and other stupid things.

I really wanted a break from it all. Mind you, I was talking to him during most of the night. After years I was sleep deprived and exhausted. Especially since our talks were heavy (about his problems). Since he was still mentally ill and he didn't have anyone it became a struggle to leave. I didn't want to leave as I loved him. It broke my heart thinking about him being alone.  

I was just co-dependent at that point or I always was. Started fighting more and more because I was really getting sick myself. He took it as making him more sick when I should be strong for him since he is the sick one. Well this went on for a while with huge fights. He decided I was borderline and started blackmailing me that I should go to a psychiatrist and get treated for it. I felt that was absolutely out of line. He was obsessed with the fact (while yelling, cursing me out for weeks and months on end) that I should be 'punished' for what I put him through. I was worse then Hitler. If emotional crimes were punishable I would be in jail. I deserve the death penalty. He even said (so he claims) that his psychologist agrees with him and that I am extremely unstable and have borderline. This fueled his fire even more. Our last talk was a few months ago.

I know he has probably badmouthed me to his family and everyone who wants to hear it. I will not excuse my behaviour for the last year or so. I was sick and tired of it and wanted something of normalcy back in my life and started to hate him for not having that. But still, he is a extremely demanding person. He has some borderline traits and the first psychologist he went to said he did have it but after that it had been disregarded and ever since he thinks he is 'clean'. Especially since I am the borderline one according  to him, he thinks he is the sane one. He manipulated me that I was crazy from the beginning and that all the good I did for him was so I could lure him in. He started reading this traits of borderline out loud to me that could really apply to most of us during a breakdown and he would leave out the traits that I absolutely do not have. My whole life (i have been to university, worked, had friends before him that is) I have had a normal stable life. Never fought with anyone. My phone was off during the nights. My life was ridiculously stable. And people seemed to appreciate my company. I don't even know if he is borderline or maybe narcisstic (he goes from thinking he is better then almost anyone on earth to the most insecure person you will ever meet).

All these months of no contact I am going back and forth. Still can't move on because I am still in awe of what happened. I think about this. I have never wished him harm. Even after all this. And I know he is probably wishing I would be humiliated in public and that even the people who love me distance themselves from me. He is so vengefull. I can't even comprehend the hate he feels for me. Hitler? Not even in 'funny' way. He really was serious about me being way worse then Hitler. In a very ridiculous moment I was sick at his house (vomiting and headaches and stuff) and he was so pissed off that I was sick since he wanted to confront me with all I did to him. I lied there on the couch while he was yelling it me for hours on end in the middle of the night. He was sitting in his chair opposite of the couch. It was one of those moments that were so ridiculous it is funny. Especially since I would just blackout in the middle of his yelling and be woken up by his voice still going at it that I was faking being sick so he would leave me alone and that I was totally disrespectful for falling asleep at 4 in the morning while being sick. Just typing this makes me feel glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.

He was very defensive from the beginning since I knew him (about the silliest things, he would defend it like his life dependend on it) but I just thought that he felt so alone for so long that he wanted to be heard for once so I just saw it as a something that would ease.

Sorry if this is a mess of a story to read (english isn't my first language) but thanks for reading anyway. What I want to know is. ? anything. Am I crazy, is he? How do I get closure?

[WishIKnew82]

I am new here but have been lurking for a month or so just so I can get some much needed answers so my brain can rest. Unfortunately although I've found some similar issues with other people everyone's situation is still a unique one. So is mine.

I met this guy a couple of years ago. He already had some mental health issues and they were very intense (depression, ocd, anxiety) but he didn't seem to have a personality disorder. He was a very intens person with lovely thoughts and that attracted me to him. I could talk to him about almost everything. (later I found out, he was doing the talking and it wasn't with me but AT me). We had a thing for some time but were more like friends with benifets. We did have this amazing bond that we both didn't want to lose, ever! When the benefits stopped (I couldn't do it anymore) I kind of had trouble with it. That brought its problems.

Well time passed on and he didn't want me to date anyone. He regretted saying that later but still. He said we had a way too intens and emotional relationship (with sometimes still a little touching) that he couldn't deal with me dating. Especially because he had so many issues he felt that a 'healthy new guy' would swoop me of my feeth. Stupid me. And especially me, unconditional me, I agreed because I did not want to lose him. I could wait.

During these years he always used to put me down. ':)o you think you are as goodlooking as me? I had model type girls. You have weird shoes. You have a weird mouth. You have no expression on your face. ' These small things started getting to me real fast. Especially because we weren't together so he could talk about other girls while putting me down a day later. That made a dent in my self esteem (later on, he said I was insecure all the time and that he didn't have any part of it) and I started arguing with him about girls and other stupid things.

I really wanted a break from it all. Mind you, I was talking to him during most of the night. After years I was sleep deprived and exhausted. Especially since our talks were heavy (about his problems). Since he was still mentally ill and he didn't have anyone it became a struggle to leave. I didn't want to leave as I loved him. It broke my heart thinking about him being alone.  

I was just co-dependent at that point or I always was. Started fighting more and more because I was really getting sick myself. He took it as making him more sick when I should be strong for him since he is the sick one. Well this went on for a while with huge fights. He decided I was borderline and started blackmailing me that I should go to a psychiatrist and get treated for it. I felt that was absolutely out of line. He was obsessed with the fact (while yelling, cursing me out for weeks and months on end) that I should be 'punished' for what I put him through. I was worse then Hitler. If emotional crimes were punishable I would be in jail. I deserve the death penalty. He even said (so he claims) that his psychologist agrees with him and that I am extremely unstable and have borderline. This fueled his fire even more. Our last talk was a few months ago.

I know he has probably badmouthed me to his family and everyone who wants to hear it. I will not excuse my behaviour for the last year or so. I was sick and tired of it and wanted something of normalcy back in my life and started to hate him for not having that. But still, he is a extremely demanding person. He has some borderline traits and the first psychologist he went to said he did have it but after that it had been disregarded and ever since he thinks he is 'clean'. Especially since I am the borderline one according  to him, he thinks he is the sane one. He manipulated me that I was crazy from the beginning and that all the good I did for him was so I could lure him in. He started reading this traits of borderline out loud to me that could really apply to most of us during a breakdown and he would leave out the traits that I absolutely do not have. My whole life (i have been to university, worked, had friends before him that is) I have had a normal stable life. Never fought with anyone. My phone was off during the nights. My life was ridiculously stable. And people seemed to appreciate my company. I don't even know if he is borderline or maybe narcisstic (he goes from thinking he is better then almost anyone on earth to the most insecure person you will ever meet).

All these months of no contact I am going back and forth. Still can't move on because I am still in awe of what happened. I think about this. I have never wished him harm. Even after all this. And I know he is probably wishing I would be humiliated in public and that even the people who love me distance themselves from me. He is so vengefull. I can't even comprehend the hate he feels for me. Hitler? Not even in 'funny' way. He really was serious about me being way worse then Hitler. In a very ridiculous moment I was sick at his house (vomiting and headaches and stuff) and he was so pissed off that I was sick since he wanted to confront me with all I did to him. I lied there on the couch while he was yelling it me for hours on end in the middle of the night. He was sitting in his chair opposite of the couch. It was one of those moments that were so ridiculous it is funny. Especially since I would just blackout in the middle of his yelling and be woken up by his voice still going at it that I was faking being sick so he would leave me alone and that I was totally disrespectful for falling asleep at 4 in the morning while being sick. Just typing this makes me feel glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.

He was very defensive from the beginning since I knew him (about the silliest things, he would defend it like his life dependend on it) but I just thought that he felt so alone for so long that he wanted to be heard for once so I just saw it as a something that would ease.

Sorry if this is a mess of a story to read (english isn't my first language) but thanks for reading anyway. What I want to know is. ? anything. Am I crazy, is he? How do I get closure?

[Mutt]

Hi WishIKnew82,

He has some borderline traits and the first psychologist he went to said he did have it but after that it had been disregarded and ever since he thinks he is 'clean'. Especially since I am the borderline one according  to him, he thinks he is the sane one. He manipulated me that I was crazy from the beginning and that all the good I did for him was so I could lure him in.

I can see how it would feel like manipulation. Are you familiar with projection?

[WishIKnew82]

Hi WishIKnew82,

He has some borderline traits and the first psychologist he went to said he did have it but after that it had been disregarded and ever since he thinks he is 'clean'. Especially since I am the borderline one according  to him, he thinks he is the sane one. He manipulated me that I was crazy from the beginning and that all the good I did for him was so I could lure him in.

I can see how it would feel like manipulation. Are you familiar with projection?

Thank you!

I've heard of it. I feel like he did that. Especially since he would take real events and traits of mine and used it as a weapon against me. I am really at a point where I don't even know anymore if I am legit crazy and he was right. I talk to other people that make me feel normal but since he already filled my mind in a brainwashing fashion all those months, it almost feels like I am lying or putting on a facade.

This relationship has truly screwed me up. The only thing that helps me is the fact that I know that in all my life I've never experienced any issue with anyone nor had any other problem. Fun fact : he would say that the reason I was normal all those years is because I was so good at faking and he was the only one that I showed my true self to.

No need to response if you don't want too. Just venting.

It is exhausting to have someone come into your life like this and just dissappear and make you feel like a devil. No goodbye. Just 'you are a horrible borderline devil and I never want to talk to you again'.

I still wish him well and I still love him. Silly me.

[Mutt]

I don't think that it's silly. I would feel confused too.

he would say that the reason I was normal all those years is because I was so good at faking and he was the only one that I showed my true self to.

I think that he was projecting his failing false self or mask coming off.