Moving forward

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It seems so difficult to reflect on yourself at certain phases when in contact with a BPD person... they kind of take over everything. I think I learned to deal with this when I was a child, and then decided that I should continue coping with difficult people, although at that time I had a good ability to consider myself. This ability seems to have got lost during my last marriage, particularly when my husband became ill with the cancer from which he died. All my energy, every thought, was centred on trying to help him. And it was at this point that BPD friend entered my life. He was always there for me after my husband's death, and gave me the feeling I wasn't alone. I didn't really care if I lived or died, and he was a suitable (or actually, very unsuitable) object for me to concentrate on. And so the relationship grew. With all the ups and downs, though I always tried to take steps back and find other outlets for my feelings.

Well, seven years on, I seem to have made some progress.

I don't really want a partnership or that kind of relationship any more. I want some freedom. I no longer need to try and replace that central person in my life.

BUT... .I still feel I need to have someone for whom I am useful, who can be a kind of base. Or maybe it can be more than one person. But they should not depend on me alone. I'm trying to move away from this feeling too, but it is difficult. I just have to keep going.

[foggydew]

It seems so difficult to reflect on yourself at certain phases when in contact with a BPD person... they kind of take over everything. I think I learned to deal with this when I was a child, and then decided that I should continue coping with difficult people, although at that time I had a good ability to consider myself. This ability seems to have got lost during my last marriage, particularly when my husband became ill with the cancer from which he died. All my energy, every thought, was centred on trying to help him. And it was at this point that BPD friend entered my life. He was always there for me after my husband's death, and gave me the feeling I wasn't alone. I didn't really care if I lived or died, and he was a suitable (or actually, very unsuitable) object for me to concentrate on. And so the relationship grew. With all the ups and downs, though I always tried to take steps back and find other outlets for my feelings.

Well, seven years on, I seem to have made some progress.

I don't really want a partnership or that kind of relationship any more. I want some freedom. I no longer need to try and replace that central person in my life.

BUT... .I still feel I need to have someone for whom I am useful, who can be a kind of base. Or maybe it can be more than one person. But they should not depend on me alone. I'm trying to move away from this feeling too, but it is difficult. I just have to keep going.

[eeks]

BUT... .I still feel I need to have someone for whom I am useful, who can be a kind of base. Or maybe it can be more than one person. But they should not depend on me alone. I'm trying to move away from this feeling too, but it is difficult. I just have to keep going.

Hi foggydew,

How do you feel about the idea of an interdependent partnership, where there are feelings of connection, sharing and both partners being useful to one another so to speak?

You said in childhood you decided you should continue coping with difficult people... .do you know more about how you justify this to yourself?  (e.g. "selflessness is a virtue", "everyone needs love and care, I can't abandon him/her" 

Do you identify with being a "rescuer"?  If so, what is your investment in that (again, it could be that you feel virtuous, or that you hope to "earn" care in return... .I don't mean to put thoughts in your head, just prompts as possibilities)

eeks

[foggydew]

Thanks, eek.  No, I don't identify with being a rescuer. Horrid thought, and I don't feel unselfish. Somehow the justification comes from two things ... (1).if you are good at maths, you work with figures, for example (2) I feel we all have some responsibility for each other. You do what you can I've actually always learned a lot from the situations, even if not pleasant. They have made me what I am.

No, somehow I don't want to give away any more of myself or my life in an interdependent relationship. I'm tired. It's OK as it is. It has to be. And thanks for giving me the opportunity to think and feel a bit more.