Confusion and relief: realizing my mom may be a person with BPD traits

[BluePearl]

Firstly, thank you to every person who has created and maintained this site. This is an invaluable resource that has made me realize I'm not alone in this struggle. Thank you also to those who have posted/commented - your stories are a tremendous comfort as I navigate this new awareness I have about my Mom.

6 days ago, I realized that my mom may have BPD or BPD traits. I am 28 years old and I moved away from home (Wisconsin) to the West Coast 4 years ago. Since this move, I've felt my relationship with my mom changing, and couldn't figure out why. We were so close when I was growing up. But after I moved I became more independent. Mom and I started getting into arguments often and I had this growing feeling that something was "off" between us and I didn't know how to solve it. I felt really angry at her and was often asking her "can we please not talk about this right now"... .but she would never let me change the subject. She would push harder and insist we talk about the issue more, talk about until I agreed she was right (even if I felt differently). She was constantly invading my privacy, bringing up conversations from the past that I told her I felt uncomfortable discussing. It seemed like our disagreements were not being resolved. I felt guilty, confused, and that something must be wrong with me for disagreeing with my mom so much. I wanted our relationship to be conflict-free so I gave in to a lot of arguments just to make her stop yelling/crying at me.  :'(

I am now aware that our disagreements have had the same pattern. Mom has an opinion about something going on in my life and what I should do. I sometimes don't agree with what she suggests and gently tell her so. She gets very angry, and screams at me on the phone for 1-2 hours, tells me I'm a horrible daughter, that I've permanently ruined my relationship with her, that I'm selfish, cruel, disrespectful, etc. She eventually reduces herself to tears, which makes me cry and give in to whatever she wants... .even though I still don't agree with her and/or want something different than what she wants. The next day, she'll be back to her normal self, bragging to anyone who'll listen about what a great daughter I am. This is the exact same way she argues with my dad. He stays quite, she screams/cries, threatens, calls him "stupid" and other names, and then eventually wears herself out.

Growing up, I experienced my mom's rage, black/white opinions about me (which I know to be "splitting", name calling, alcohol abuse, and her need for gratitude that never felt I could really satisfy. I also grew up with the clear message that Mom is ALWAYS right no matter what - even when I was 23 years old, living on my own, and financially independent. I was not permitted to have opinions that didn't perfectly align with my mom's opinion. Now that I've moved away, I've been seeing a therapist. A lot of these mom-related issues have cropped up during my therapy sessions, and my therapist recommended I read "Walking on Eggshells". My therapist said that she can't make any diagnosis because she's never met my mom, but after I read some of my mom's emails to my therapist, she said it sounds like my mom might have some BPD traits. Hearing this, I felt scared and shocked, but I agreed to read the book. It was a huge wake up call. Not only had other people gone through what I was going through... .but there was a name for this. My feelings about having my privacy invaded by my mom, of not wanting to be screamed at anymore... .My mom had me convinced that her feelings/needs were ALWAYS going to be more important than mine. I realized for the first time that this was not healthy/right. And I realized I didn't have to allow her to treat me this way any more.

So here I am now. Not quite sure if my mom really is a person with BPD, or if she just has some traits, or if she has some other underlying issues. But I'll tell you what - this site has been so helpful in teaching me how to create healthy boundaries with my mom, and by doing so, take care of my own mental health and well being. I recently got engaged to a wonderful man, and our wedding planning has triggered a lot of disapproval from my mom. She wants to be involved with EVERY single element of the wedding planning and is constantly overruling the preferences/ideas that my DF and I have. I therefore communicated my very first boundary with my mom: that my DF and I will be making all final decisions about our upcoming wedding (we're paying for it on our own) and that DF and I will doing all venue interviewing on our own. I told her we'd do our best to make decisions that honored and included both of our families, but that there would be no way to please everyone. She is having a very angry reaction, writing me cruel emails (I always respond calmly and acknowledge her feelings without giving in), tells me I'm a horrible daughter, and threatens to not come wedding dress shopping with me if I don't let her come to the venue interviews. It's hard knowing that she is hurting right now, but I deeply feel that this is a change for the better. I no longer let her scream at me on the phone - when she starts to yell, I tell her calmly that I don't allow anyone to yell at me and I insist that we continue to the conversation at a different time. I then tell her I love her and end the call. My dad has informed me that she is still yelling and crying, but the point is that she isn't yelling AT me anymore.

The most amazing part of those whole realization process is that as I've started to turn down the volume on my Mom's aggressive and screaming demands, I've started to hear my own voice for the first time. That voice is quiet and still a little unsure, but I have faith in myself to make healthy decisions going forward. I'm starting to find some peace. Thank you all again. I'm sending you guys good wishes.

[busybee1116]

  Welcome! Wahoo! Isn't it a great feeling to realize "wait a minute... .I'm not a bad daughter. And, I'm not alone!"  Weddings are hard enough, good for you for setting boundaries. The precedent you set now with your mother in your marriage will hopefully help later. I made a lot of shaky steps at first, but they were steps. And here I am now, almost 5 years later. Things are so much better.

The most amazing part of those whole realization process is that as I've started to turn down the volume on my Mom's aggressive and screaming demands, I've started to hear my own voice for the first time. That voice is quiet and still a little unsure, but I have faith in myself to make healthy decisions going forward.

I do too.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome to the board, BluePearl! 

It's wonderful that you have found us and joined our community. And congrats on your recent engagement! 

6 days ago, I realized that my mom may have BPD or BPD traits.

This is quite a big realization for you to discover! It can be shocking and rock our world when we first make this discovery. My realization came when I read a section on personality disorders in 2010 in a college class, and my uBPDm suddenly made sense. Good for you that you are reading and discovering!  Do you feel that the book you read was helpful to you? Was there a particular section that you liked?

It definitely sounds like your mom is showing BPD traits. She is playing the FOG (feelings of guilt) card very well as you plan your wedding. I'm glad you are working with a T and practicing setting boundaries. Here is a link to the article about FOG which may be helpful:

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

It's hard knowing that she is hurting right now, but I deeply feel that this is a change for the better. I no longer let her scream at me on the phone - when she starts to yell, I tell her calmly that I don't allow anyone to yell at me and I insist that we continue to the conversation at a different time. I then tell her I love her and end the call.

The most amazing part of those whole realization process is that as I've started to turn down the volume on my Mom's aggressive and screaming demands, I've started to hear my own voice for the first time. That voice is quiet and still a little unsure, but I have faith in myself to make healthy decisions going forward. I'm starting to find some peace.

Do you have any others around you who are supporting you right now besides your T and your DF?


Wools

[BluePearl]

Busybee: Thank you so much for the words of welcome. It was so comforting to read your reply. You were the first person to reply to my first post on this site, so I'm sending you a million thanks for helping me feel not alone!   Thank you for sharing your success story. These first boundaries with my mom definitely felt shaky, but they are already paying off. I am so happy to hear that things are working out for you, and I hope they continue to do so

Wools: The realization about my mom was a real shock. It took a couple days for the dust to settle in my mind and then I thankfully found this website. Thank you for the encouraging words about this "discovery" process. I definitely felt a ton of guilt when I first started thinking that my mom might have uBPD - I felt like I was betraying her by even considering the idea! Which brings me to the FOG issue you mentioned: holy cow, I am so glad that I read your reply right away. For the past few days, I've been on a family vacation with my parents and my sister's family. At your recommendation, I read about FOG before this trip and I swear, SO much about my mom's behavior clicked into place. During the first half of the trip, she barely spoke to me at all (she's angry that I won't let her come with me/DH for the next wedding venue interview). Normally, this would have made me feel guilty enough to just give in to what she wants. But after educating myself about FOG, I became aware of how she was trying to guilt me into changing my mind about the venue interview. I was able to stand my ground without feeling guilty. By the end of the trip, something amazing started happening: her iciness melted and her behavior went back to normal... .in essence, she gave up! O.O Boundry success! So again... .thank you so much for sharing that link with me. And thank you for asking about my support system. Along with my T and DH, I have two close friends who are being very supportive.

I would recommend the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book to anyone who thinks/knows someone with BPD. Not only did it teach me great communication tools, but it also helped me understand the underlying fears of a person with BPD, which has helped me find some empathy for my mom. It also has a helpful section at the end that describes the stages a nonBPD goes through when they realize someone they know has BPD. I've been using that section as an emotional guide   I'd like to throw the same question back to you: are there any books you've read that you found particularly helpful?

[busybee1116]

 

[Rock Chick]

Firstly, thank you to every person who has created and maintained this site. This is an invaluable resource that has made me realize I'm not alone in this struggle. Thank you also to those who have posted/commented - your stories are a tremendous comfort as I navigate this new awareness I have about my Mom.

Welcome to the forum BluePearl! It is indeed nice to have a site that is so well maintained and has so many members that one can relate to and have conversations with. Knowing we are not alone is such a great thing. Reading your post I was like wow sounds just like my bf's mom. How are things since you created this topic on the forum? Anything better anything worse? 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again BluePearl, 

I'm very glad that what you read about FOG was so helpful to you!

I read about FOG before this trip and I swear, SO much about my mom's behavior clicked into place. During the first half of the trip, she barely spoke to me at all (she's angry that I won't let her come with me/DH for the next wedding venue interview). Normally, this would have made me feel guilty enough to just give in to what she wants. But after educating myself about FOG, I became aware of how she was trying to guilt me into changing my mind about the venue interview. I was able to stand my ground without feeling guilty.

Thank you for sharing about your experience. It can be helpful to all of us to see what you are learning and how you are able to apply it to the day to day struggles in your life. 

I definitely felt a ton of guilt when I first started thinking that my mom might have uBPD - I felt like I was betraying her by even considering the idea!

I know what you mean about the feelings of betrayal towards our uBPDm. I too experienced that a lot. I didn't want to say anything to anyone at first once I discovered BPD for fear I was wrong, but how much I wanted validation at the same time! Even when I started in T, those first sessions especially were a bit tough because I was afraid that she would find out I was talking about her. It took quite a bit of reassurance and developing of trust for my T before I slowly began to feel more comfortable talking about her.

I enjoyed your 'book report' very much!  Do you think if you went back and reread the book that you would glean even more insight? I've found that as my understanding increases, so too does my growth and healing.

I'd like to throw the same question back to you: are there any books you've read that you found particularly helpful?

Yes, the book that I've read which has had the most impact upon me is Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman. I pick it up quite often (several times a month), to read a snippet to help me through a particularly difficult day or to help me deal with an emotional trigger. It gives me guidance in how to walk through a difficult situation or in dealing with people who exhibit BPD traits, or who cause me to feel as if I'm back to that little child of a pwBPD. This book is very much a 'work in progress' book for me, and I'm thankful for the help it brings. Here is a link from our site that lists several very helpful books, including the one I mentioned above:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0;prev_next=next

How was this holiday for you? And how are the wedding plans coming along?


Wools