He doesn't want to talk about it

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So this morning I got a text from him that said he would try to call me when he could. What that really meant was I might not be available to pick up the phone. That right there irritated me. When I tried to explain to him his text message was misleading he started implying there was something wrong with me. I said he was right, I was irritated because my daughter is going to apply for an alternative program for her junior year which meant more paperwork for me. So then he asked what can he do to help, so I asked him where his divorce was at. Dead silence. Then he said he didn't want to talk about his divorce, so I said I don't want to talk about my daughter and he hung up on me.

Less then a minute later he called me back on my landline.

I was able to establish a rough boundary with him, he doesn't want to talk about his divorce, I don't want to talk about my daughter. He said then I guess we have nothing to talk about, and I listed the things I mentioned yesterday: cinema, literature, cooking, tv, gardening, etc.

He started insulting me so I said I have to go now and hung up.

Then he started texting me this isn't what he signed up for, I've ruined the relationship, he signed up for intimate romantic relationship. I resisted the urge to respond and point out to him that he's the one who's unavailable, not me.

The win in this situation as I see it is he clearly stated he didn't want to talk about his divorce and I clearly stated I didn't want to talk about my daughter.

Now enforcing that's going to be very hard, at least on my end.

I feel sad and a sense of loss, but I have taken to heart the advice some of you have given, which is don't talk about his divorce and don't talk about my daughter. I know I had a slip this morning but when he asked me what he could do to help I'd had enough. I need to actually be a parent or guardian for my daughter, not this long distance dog and pony show. He can't actually be a parent or guardian for my daughter until he divorces and relocates. I'm tired of this charade. A friend of mine told me a long time ago you can't do long distance parenting, you need someone local.

I know others of you have strongly urged me to take space and I haven't ignored that. I told him I'd talk to him at 4:15 which is when his calendar says he's done working. He said no I wouldn't but I didn't respond to that either.

I'm a bit suspicious of him saying he didn't want to talk about his divorce. That's not usual for him.

I find it very ironic that he accuses me of not participating in the romantic, intimate relationship he signed up for yet he's unwilling to talk about his divorce.

I know pointing this out to him will go nowhere.

---

Also in relation to the new post on the board this morning, this application for my daughter for this alternative program is going to be a lot of work on my part and I'm already feeling weakened by what I've gone through with my daughter recently. That does not put me in a position to be strong like is necessary for a relationship with a pwBPD.

---

While I've been writing this he called me on my cell phone and left a message. I know you said he is free to call and I am free to ignore. You also said that I call him and check in with him when I said I would and if he doesn't answer try tomorrow.

[unicorn2014]

So this morning I got a text from him that said he would try to call me when he could. What that really meant was I might not be available to pick up the phone. That right there irritated me. When I tried to explain to him his text message was misleading he started implying there was something wrong with me. I said he was right, I was irritated because my daughter is going to apply for an alternative program for her junior year which meant more paperwork for me. So then he asked what can he do to help, so I asked him where his divorce was at. Dead silence. Then he said he didn't want to talk about his divorce, so I said I don't want to talk about my daughter and he hung up on me.

Less then a minute later he called me back on my landline.

I was able to establish a rough boundary with him, he doesn't want to talk about his divorce, I don't want to talk about my daughter. He said then I guess we have nothing to talk about, and I listed the things I mentioned yesterday: cinema, literature, cooking, tv, gardening, etc.

He started insulting me so I said I have to go now and hung up.

Then he started texting me this isn't what he signed up for, I've ruined the relationship, he signed up for intimate romantic relationship. I resisted the urge to respond and point out to him that he's the one who's unavailable, not me.

The win in this situation as I see it is he clearly stated he didn't want to talk about his divorce and I clearly stated I didn't want to talk about my daughter.

Now enforcing that's going to be very hard, at least on my end.

I feel sad and a sense of loss, but I have taken to heart the advice some of you have given, which is don't talk about his divorce and don't talk about my daughter. I know I had a slip this morning but when he asked me what he could do to help I'd had enough. I need to actually be a parent or guardian for my daughter, not this long distance dog and pony show. He can't actually be a parent or guardian for my daughter until he divorces and relocates. I'm tired of this charade. A friend of mine told me a long time ago you can't do long distance parenting, you need someone local.

I know others of you have strongly urged me to take space and I haven't ignored that. I told him I'd talk to him at 4:15 which is when his calendar says he's done working. He said no I wouldn't but I didn't respond to that either.

I'm a bit suspicious of him saying he didn't want to talk about his divorce. That's not usual for him.

I find it very ironic that he accuses me of not participating in the romantic, intimate relationship he signed up for yet he's unwilling to talk about his divorce.

I know pointing this out to him will go nowhere.

---

Also in relation to the new post on the board this morning, this application for my daughter for this alternative program is going to be a lot of work on my part and I'm already feeling weakened by what I've gone through with my daughter recently. That does not put me in a position to be strong like is necessary for a relationship with a pwBPD.

---

While I've been writing this he called me on my cell phone and left a message. I know you said he is free to call and I am free to ignore. You also said that I call him and check in with him when I said I would and if he doesn't answer try tomorrow.

[Grey Kitty]

":)oesn't want to talk about it."

You say that. He says that. Neither of you really is there.

If he meant it, he wouldn't be calling back and texting. If you meant it, you wouldn't care about the calls and texts.

You want him to talk with you, without triggering you. It doesn't go that way, does it?

I'm pretty sure he wants the same from you, and he seems to be getting triggered all the time too.

His track record on disengaging non-destructively with you about stressful and triggering subjects is a big fat zero.

When I say neither of you is there on disengaging, I don't mean it equally--he seems 100% clueless. You write about needing to and wanting to disengage, but your feelings don't match that understanding, and you really struggle when it comes time to take action.

[unicorn2014]

He doesn't want to talk about it: his divorce. That's fine. I've been advised not to ask him about it. I had a slip this morning. His passive aggressive texting was getting on my nerves. He pushed me over the edge when he asked how he can help me (with an application for my daughter). He can't help me in his current state. So I asked him where's his divorce at since I was going to ask him to be her guardian when he divorced and relocated. I was being fair and above board. Then he shut down the conversation. If I did that I'd never hear the end of it. I said I don't want to talk about my daughter .

There is no point.

I said there were other things to talk about.

He needs me to need him to help me with my daughter.

I don't.

We'll see if he'll respect my boundary. I highly doubt it. I've been working really hard not to ask him about his divorce. Today I slipped. Our motives for not wanting to talk about it are not the same.

----

Also the decision to not talk about my daughter is new, as of yesterday. I received some really good advice: don't talk about his divorce, don't talk about my daughter. I'd been hearing that all along but yesterday it was said in a way I could understand and yesterday I was ready to make that decision.

Today will be the first day I try to implement my decision.

I'm really having a hard time embracing single parenting at this level with the kind of challenges my daughter has been presenting me. It's very frustrating I have a man trying to be in a relationship with me who can't really help me with her.

[unicorn2014]

Oh brother : I got this from him-

You have a simple choice

1) you show remorse for hurting

2) you express how much you value me.

3) you express how important I am to you

4) you start being warm and loving to me and stop holding a grudge

5) you stop blaming me for things we both created

Until you are able to do these things & repair the damage that you have caused or hold against me we have nothing to talk about

Nowhere does it say I'm sorry for keeping you waiting for 4 years. It's all about what's wrong with me. He's right, we have nothing to talk about. I'm the one who should be saying those things to him but I know better.

[sweetheart]

Unicorn there will be probably many more mistakes made as you try and put all these new things into practice.

It will be hard and I'm sure there will be lots of times when you are still going to feel triggered into wanting to react.

Remember just slow everything right down, keep things safe and simple so there's less to trip over. Stay grounded, be kind and compassionate as you will have to be the one to lead by example.

Try and set small pieces of time aside to start tackling the paperwork you are going to do for your daughter. Think about creating a timetable for it, build it in to your day. Again keeping things at a steady pace that you are in control of might help you stop feeling so overwhelmed. And yes Unicorn parenting a teen singlehandedly can be really really tough, so what support organisations do you have in your life around this, if none, put it on your to do list to find some, ok?  

[sweetheart]

Oh brother : I got this from him-

You have a simple choice

1) you show remorse for hurting

2) you express how much you value me.

3) you express how important I am to you

4) you start being warm and loving to me and stop holding a grudge

5) you stop blaming me for things we both created

Until you are able to do these things & repair the damage that you have caused or hold against me we have nothing to talk about

Nowhere does it say I'm sorry for keeping you waiting for 4 years. It's all about what's wrong with me. He's right, we have nothing to talk about. I'm the one who should be saying those things to him but I know better.

Yes you do know better, but its still frustrating and ... .just let it go. This is where you get to practice all those new strategies and demonstrate by not reacting that you can be the emotionally healthy one here.

In not responding or making reference to this stuff be prepared for things to escalate.

[unicorn2014]

Sweetheart the paperwork is no problem, I'm just sick of finding ways he can help me. I don't need his help.

I open my Facebook messenger and find this spew:

I have tried to reach you are ignoring me

I have made a full and humiliating effort for reason with you and avoid me

I have really tried, you spurn me and simply do not care

you have really hurt me bad Unicorn. and you hurt me bad the other day

and you do not appologies and think you have done thing wrong.

I get it you do not care

I guess it is time for me to wise up to this fact

This has always been a one sioded relationship which was fine when you were my little girl and I was your daddy but it really does not work in an adult relationsjip.

you let me down

I am not going to try to reach out to you

you have hurt me really bad over the last 48 hours and you have done nothing to fix it. I get it... .

I expect you to repair this and if you do not then it will remain broken and you will have no one to blamne this time but yourself

I love you and allowing you to hurt me is my fault

I'll ask again: how come his ego allows him to talk to me this way? If I talked to him that way I would offend not only him, but me.

In terms of support I have a lot: 12 step programs, parental stress line, her therapist, my therapist, her school.

He's not needed and he knows it and if I don't need him to help me with my daughter then I don't need him at all.

[unicorn2014]

Oh brother : I got this from him-

You have a simple choice

1) you show remorse for hurting

2) you express how much you value me.

3) you express how important I am to you

4) you start being warm and loving to me and stop holding a grudge

5) you stop blaming me for things we both created

Until you are able to do these things & repair the damage that you have caused or hold against me we have nothing to talk about

Nowhere does it say I'm sorry for keeping you waiting for 4 years. It's all about what's wrong with me. He's right, we have nothing to talk about. I'm the one who should be saying those things to him but I know better.

Yes you do know better, but its still frustrating and ... .just let it go. This is where you get to practice all those new strategies and demonstrate by not reacting that you can be the emotionally healthy one here.

In not responding or making reference to this stuff be prepared for things to escalate.

That's what I don't have time for: things escalating... .He knows I'm tired from what I've been through recently with my d15. Today's the follow up with her doctor. He is so self centered! When I tell him my shoulder hurts from lifting something heavy he says he's done that too. It's always about him all the time. I want to him just say "I'm sorry your shoulder is hurt" without referencing himself but of course I can't say that.

----

So based on what I've read here I just ignore him until he calms down, yes?

[unicorn2014]

I found these messages from his other Facebook account

I have tried evey way I can think of to contact you

and you are ignoring me

you have really hurt me and you have no remorse what so ever

you think you have done nothing worng here

I love you and I can see you simply to do not care at all... .you really trreat me like crap

and have taken me for granted

I am going to try calling you one more time and if you do not asnwer then that is that

When I ask why can he talk to me this way I mean why does he psyche allow him to do this to me? He shames and blames and not one word about he's responsible for this whole mess.

He makes himself look very unattractive with these kinds of texts.

[sweetheart]

Oh brother : I got this from him-

You have a simple choice

1) you show remorse for hurting

2) you express how much you value me.

3) you express how important I am to you

4) you start being warm and loving to me and stop holding a grudge

5) you stop blaming me for things we both created

Until you are able to do these things & repair the damage that you have caused or hold against me we have nothing to talk about

Nowhere does it say I'm sorry for keeping you waiting for 4 years. It's all about what's wrong with me. He's right, we have nothing to talk about. I'm the one who should be saying those things to him but I know better.

Yes you do know better, but its still frustrating and ... .just let it go. This is where you get to practice all those new strategies and demonstrate by not reacting that you can be the emotionally healthy one here.

In not responding or making reference to this stuff be prepared for things to escalate.

That's what I don't have time for: things escalating... .He knows I'm tired from what I've been through recently with my d15. Today's the follow up with her doctor. He is so self centered! When I tell him my shoulder hurts from lifting something heavy he says he's done that too. It's always about him all the time. I want to him just say "I'm sorry your shoulder is hurt" without referencing himself but of course I can't say that.

----

So based on what I've read here I just ignore him until he calms down, yes?

YES 

[sweetheart]

I found these messages from his other Facebook account

I have tried evey way I can think of to contact you

and you are ignoring me

you have really hurt me and you have no remorse what so ever

you think you have done nothing worng here

I love you and I can see you simply to do not care at all... .you really trreat me like crap

and have taken me for granted

I am going to try calling you one more time and if you do not asnwer then that is that

When I ask why can he talk to me this way I mean why does he psyche allow him to do this to me? He shames and blames and not one word about he's responsible for this whole mess.

He makes himself look very unattractive with these kinds of texts.

What you are seeing and highlighting in these texts and messages is symptomatic of BPD, this is mental illness. 'Why' questions do not work with pwBPD, 'help me understand' is better if you really have to ask.

I suggest that you just delete them, make no reference to them and move on. How does that sound?

[Grey Kitty]

I open my Facebook messenger and find this spew:

I have tried to reach you are ignoring me

I have made a full and humiliating effort for reason with you and avoid me

I have really tried, you spurn me and simply do not care

you have really hurt me bad Unicorn. and you hurt me bad the other day

and you do not appologies and think you have done thing wrong.

I get it you do not care

I guess it is time for me to wise up to this fact

This has always been a one sioded relationship which was fine when you were my little girl and I was your daddy but it really does not work in an adult relationsjip.

you let me down

I am not going to try to reach out to you

you have hurt me really bad over the last 48 hours and you have done nothing to fix it. I get it... .

I expect you to repair this and if you do not then it will remain broken and you will have no one to blamne this time but yourself

I love you and allowing you to hurt me is my fault

I'll ask again: how come his ego allows him to talk to me this way? If I talked to him that way I would offend not only him, but me.

Very short answer: He's mentally ill, that's why.

Here's the other question, and I think it may help you more to focus there:

What does getting this kind of thing from him do to you?

How do you feel when you read it?

What do you want to do in response to it? (And is it different than what you think you should do?)

[unicorn2014]

I found these messages from his other Facebook account

I have tried evey way I can think of to contact you

and you are ignoring me

you have really hurt me and you have no remorse what so ever

you think you have done nothing worng here

I love you and I can see you simply to do not care at all... .you really trreat me like crap

and have taken me for granted

I am going to try calling you one more time and if you do not asnwer then that is that

When I ask why can he talk to me this way I mean why does he psyche allow him to do this to me? He shames and blames and not one word about he's responsible for this whole mess.

He makes himself look very unattractive with these kinds of texts.

What you are seeing and highlighting in these texts and messages is symptomatic of BPD, this is mental illness. 'Why' questions do not work with pwBPD, 'help me understand' is better if you really have to ask.

I suggest that you just delete them, make no reference to them and move on. How does that sound?

That's what I've done so far. He hasn't given me anything positive to reply to yet. He also denies he has a disorder.

[unicorn2014]

I open my Facebook messenger and find this spew:

I have tried to reach you are ignoring me

I have made a full and humiliating effort for reason with you and avoid me

I have really tried, you spurn me and simply do not care

you have really hurt me bad Unicorn. and you hurt me bad the other day

and you do not appologies and think you have done thing wrong.

I get it you do not care

I guess it is time for me to wise up to this fact

This has always been a one sioded relationship which was fine when you were my little girl and I was your daddy but it really does not work in an adult relationsjip.

you let me down

I am not going to try to reach out to you

you have hurt me really bad over the last 48 hours and you have done nothing to fix it. I get it... .

I expect you to repair this and if you do not then it will remain broken and you will have no one to blamne this time but yourself

I love you and allowing you to hurt me is my fault

I'll ask again: how come his ego allows him to talk to me this way? If I talked to him that way I would offend not only him, but me.

Very short answer: He's mentally ill, that's why.

Here's the other question, and I think it may help you more to focus there:

What does getting this kind of thing from him do to you?

How do you feel when you read it?

What do you want to do in response to it? (And is it different than what you think you should do?)

I feel bad, I would like to give him a piece of my mind but I don't , I ignore him. It's embarrassing to me to read those texts and Facebook messages. I deleted his voicemail. He denies he has a personality disorder, he thinks PTSD is his problem and being an INTJ explains and justifies his behavior. He thinks and treats me like I'm the problem.

I'm tired of dealing with someone with a mental illness who thinks he's fine. He thinks if he just moves out of his city he'll be fine.

I haven't responded to any of his texts or Facebook messages. He's become a liability to me. I accidentally left my home phone unplugged because he was calling me while I was resting and I can't block his number. I've tried, that service isn't available on my line.

I don't need him to help me with my d15.

I've been trying not to ask him about his divorce. Today I failed. Now in addition to that I'm going to try to not talk to him about my d15.