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Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
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Topic: Why do I keep humanizing her faults? (Read 868 times)
lunchbox123
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Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
«
on:
March 19, 2016, 07:44:02 PM »
It's been a bumpy road, we've hit rock bottom many times. This time seems different.
I was a different person before I met her. I was tough, if people did something that hurt me I could remove them from my life without hesitation. Yet now I find myself justifying, rationalising and humanising her actions even though she's an inconsiderate evil being that has no trouble hurting and disrespecting me no matter what I do or have done.
I've once again discovered things the old me never would have accepted, things only a sick monsterious human being would do. Yet here I am humanising her, rationalising and trying to justify her actions to myself. Rather than pushing myself away I'm forgiving her for things she doesn't even know I know about.
I'm in NC, but it's bloody hard not thinking about her and wishing we could just work things out even after all the deceit and injustice I've been finding out about.
What the hell is wrong with me? After all that's happend, all the pain she has caused me, all the evil she has done to me, I still wish I could just be with her and it would all be okay.
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WoundedBibi
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
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Reply #1 on:
March 19, 2016, 08:03:41 PM »
Because if you make excuses for her behaviour you can continue to love her and hope she will love you like you felt she did when your relationship started? Because you feel hidden within her is the ultimate dream woman, someone so extraordinary you feel you will never meet again, and you cannot bear the thought to live without this faint promise of her turning back into that dream woman? Because she made you feel like no other at first, like you could conquer the world with her at your side and so very much ALIVE?
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balletomane
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
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Reply #2 on:
March 19, 2016, 08:10:15 PM »
With my ex, the abuse started slowly. I was like a frog being boiled alive: at first the water was cool, then just a little bit warm, and by the time it reached boiling point I was too weak to jump out. This made it very difficult for me to believe what was going on, and very easy for me to justify it.
I clearly remember the first time he had a sudden mood swing, got paranoid over something I'd done, and verbally lashed out. I blamed the stress and uncertainty he was under at the time, because people do sometimes snap and say things they wouldn't normally say when they're very stressed and worried. I'm sure it's happened to all of us.
The second incident occurred about four weeks later. I attributed it to his worries again - he has OCD and we were in a place that was triggering for his hygiene fears, he wanted to get out, and I wasn't moving quickly enough. I not only justified his anger, I apologised for taking too long. Looking back, this was where I tipped into normalizing his behaviour. While it was quite understandable for him as an OCD sufferer to get upset in that situation, he should have been able to recognize after the event that his mental health problems had caused him to be unreasonable with me (I had actually been moving as quickly as I could) and to make paranoid and hurtful accusations. He remained convinced that his behaviour was rational and that the problem was with me.
The incidents started to happen more frequently and they got more and more severe. By the time the situation reached the metaphorical boiling point, I had become so accustomed to rationalizing his actions that I couldn't accept I was being abused. Even when horrified friends used that word after I finally spoke to them about what had been happening behind closed doors, I flinched away from it - surely it couldn't be that bad?
I think on one level my denial was a self-protection mechanism: I didn't want to believe that I could have got myself into such an awful situation. And I desperately wanted to preserve the image I had of my boyfriend - a good person with a few problems, nothing we couldn't sort out. I had become terrified of the idea of life without him. I was sure it would be miserable, even more miserable than life with him. I was trapped.
It has taken me a while to learn that being compassionate towards him and making excuses for him are two different things. I am compassionate now. I don't wish any harm on him, and I hope he gets better. But nor do I want him around me - he has done me too much damage for that. It
will
be OK, but what I need is no-contact and space to grow and gain in strength, not the 900th attempt to make things work out with him.Perhaps it is similar for you.
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Frustratedbloke
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
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Reply #3 on:
March 19, 2016, 08:59:04 PM »
I reached the point where I ended up chasing and apologising to her when she opened a dating site in front of me then ignored me for six days because I was 'rude to her sister.' Her sister was one of the rudest, most openly critical people I have ever met and I had taken her rubbish all night before snapping and telling her, literally, to shut up.
The weird thing is that wasn't even the end... .
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lovenature
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
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Reply #4 on:
March 20, 2016, 12:08:01 AM »
She has a very serious mental illness; her faults are part of her disorder - defense mechanisms to deflect emotional pain she can't bear. I think the saddest part of BPD is the closer you get, the more they push you away; the ones they hurt the most are the ones who love them the most. :'(
You "humanize" her faults because you care about her, don't fault yourself for being a kind, compassionate person. Keep reading and learning, feel your feelings, and when you are ready; shift the focus to you and why you accepted what you did and stayed as long as you did - very painful, but where the real healing occurs.
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Welgrow
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
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Reply #5 on:
March 20, 2016, 12:30:28 AM »
The short answer... .I found that I did it because of my codependency which is triggered by an emotional manipulator (especially a borderline). Other people don't trigger this in me. Read up on codependency, and the human magnet syndrome theory if you're interested. Take care.
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Narkiss
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
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Reply #6 on:
March 20, 2016, 09:13:33 AM »
I'm with Wounded Bibi. Because you love her and the wonderful person you see inside her, and you don't want it to end -- and it would have to. I've rationalized terrible behavior -- he is under terrible stress from his job, he feels guilty leaving his wife who is needy and dysfunctional (he told me at first they were separated for five years and were about to get divorced), he just doesn't "know" how to have a mutual, equal relationship. My friends are very concerned I am still involved with him, and it's gotten to the point I rarely talk about it anymore. I have seen such a wonderful side of him that I almost can't believe the other side even exists. I have rationalized things by thinking that when he gets a job he loves, when he gets divorced... .Everything will be great. But it won't (which is why I keep posting on these boards--to remind me of that)
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WoundedBibi
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
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Reply #7 on:
March 20, 2016, 10:22:04 AM »
Here's an interesting scientific read I've found on, among other disorders, BPD (I think posting a link is ok as long as I mention the source/author, right?). Pages 188-192 refer to why we ignore rational evidence ("he beat me" and take an emotional view point ("but he loves me" instead. Not just on a SO with BPD.
Now, it is scientific and not an easy read. I haven't read a lot of it (yet) but I found the stuff on where in the brain there might be the damage that causes BPD very interesting. Let alone the link to possible issues in the immune system. Skip the part where the author (Barbara Oakley) dissects the brain to point out where these exact parts are if you need to; I've done some medical stuff in the past but even I found that bit pretty gory.
There is quite a bit on politics in there too to explain things or make a point. Now, I'm not an American so I know little on American politics and pointing out this as an interesting read doesn't mean I necessarily agree with any of the points made.
Don't be put off by the title either; in my view it says the genes are bad, not necessarily the people with these genes.
I'm not posting a scientific viewpoint to excuse the BPD behaviour or to diminish what any of you have gone through. It's just a viewpoint that might help you in understanding why they behave as they do and why we react as we do, and that having BPD is neither their fault nor yours.
I think that's enough disclaimer from my side
The bit about the Russian fishermen and especially how people from different language groups use different parts of their brain to process and view the world, that was a bit of an eye opener. I did (and do) wonder how much of the confusion between my ex and me was due to different cultural backgrounds but apparently a difference in linguistic background (not just the fact of speaking to each other in a language that might not be your first) can be enough for confusion.
People are even more complex beings than I already thought
So, Barbara Oakley, "Evil genes: why Rome fell, Hitler rose, Enron failed and my sister stole my mother's boyfriend".
https://books.google.nl/books?id=QLnyr5A-YksC&pg=PA205&lpg=PA205&dq=borderline+personality+disorder+lenses+frames&source=bl&ots=YFp-MKzDLp&sig=P3e057JV6bhrPtnO2NQzt2y3F4U&hl=nl&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiZptW8wM_LAhUKPxoKHV-SCocQ6AEIHzAA#v=onepage&q=borderline%20personality%20disorder%20lenses%20frames&f=false
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Scopikaz
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
«
Reply #8 on:
March 20, 2016, 10:49:52 AM »
For some reason this made me think about people in general who aren't happy. We think if I get this job, then I'll be happy. Or if I get married, then I'll be happy. Or if I have a child, then I'll be happy. Or if I get my degree, or go on that trip to Europe, or buy that house, or you name it - then I'll be happy. The trouble is - you don't get that promotion, or the trip ends, or the marriage isn't perfect, or someone else has more degrees, or the house becomes a money pit etc.
We put or base our happiness in some person or event happening rather than trying to be happy where we are and adjusting, accommodating, or working with the hiccups or disappointments or circumstances along the way.
I think it's that way for people with BPD especially maybe. Or for us who love them.
They are never happy and don't know how to be. So they move on eventually.
For our parts we keep basing our happiness on them changing. Or doing or saying the right thing that indicates growth or that they love us still or like they used to. But like the things above they never quite come as we expect or we are constantly let down.
And so we make excuses for them. We rationalize. It's all we can do to keep our dreams or hopes alive
I know for me after four months I still love her.
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WoundedBibi
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
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Reply #9 on:
March 20, 2016, 11:36:20 AM »
A very good point, Scopikaz...
As a child I thought I would be happy when I would be a grownup. When I would be able to make my own choices and not feel pressured into doing things. Well... I've been a grownup for a while... I'm not very happy right now (nor very unhappy) and I still feel pressured.
I'm still afraid of other people and life. I still don't know what it is I exactly want. Or maybe I do but I'm too afraid to do it alone. Maybe that is part of the reason I "need" to have a man.
Prior to my ex I have been alone seven years. I found relationships too difficult. But not being in a relationship means my life is sort of at a standstill; I just go through the motions of life and I don't feel all that much. When a man enters my life the overwhelming emotional whirlwind of my childhood returns. I feel ALIVE and happy. And apparently I look different. Being on this high from being loved by my ex made me attract random guys, guys I wasn't the least bit interested in. At tram stops, guys making deliveries to the office, employees hitting on me at the pub, I got comments on how beautiful I looked. Of course this triggered the abandonment issues of my ex...
Anyway, getting side tracked here, I was starting to build this plan in my head when I was with my ex. We could buy a house in his country with my savings. They're not enough to buy a house in my country but in the country and region he is from houses are dirt cheap. I would be free of the stressful job, and so would he. We could do up the house together, I could run it as a b&b while he wrote his books. Maybe have a baby together. How happy we would be.
Of course now I know the house would never get finished and he would be at the pub every day getting hammered while I would get more and more frustrated. And a baby with our combined genes? Worst. Idea. Ever.
But... I have been trying to kick myself in the but to start making my choices. So I have this plan, how serious it is differs a bit per day, that I could buy that house there on my own. It's warmer there which means I could be outside more, which I like. I have to learn the language before of course, and get a driving license as it is a rural area. Maybe I could do something with pottery; I've always wanted to learn. Have a few chickens. Grow vegetables.
But I am wondering how much of this is just another flight into "if I move there and do blah blah blah THEN I will finally be happy".
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Mutt
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
«
Reply #10 on:
March 20, 2016, 12:17:38 PM »
Hi lunchbox123,
Quote from: lunchbox123 on March 19, 2016, 07:44:02 PM
I was a different person before I met her. I was tough, if people did something that hurt me I could remove them from my life without hesitation.
I can understand how difficult this is right now. You have a lot of responses from everyone. I just wanted to add. You're stronger than you think.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
JerryRG
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
«
Reply #11 on:
March 20, 2016, 12:30:57 PM »
I agree with this external happiness, when I grew up I wasn't raised in a spiritual home, heard a lot about God and Jesus but it was cussing and cursing. I later joined a church but never felt I belonged or accepted by God. Due to my own sickness and attitude I couldn't believe I was loved by a Loving God.
I started Alanon and that began my journey into truth about myself and others with addictions, father, mother, ex wife, ex BPD all unrecoverd addicts. I am alcoholic.
I was sober for years but not recoverd so I was instructed to attend AA, spiritual program and now after 2 years I realize the empty hole inside me that magic "happy if something outside myself" is being filled. I now KNOW God loves me and always has, I've cleaned up my life using the steps. It really does work, if I'm willing.
My exBPD was interested but I could not convince her to walk through this beside me so she is still searching for the magic that will never come.
No amount of pleading will convince anyone to seek help.
I am blessed to have been lead into recovery and surviving a relationship with a pwBPD is in my eyes just as difficult as fighting any addiction. We are fighting to survive and thank God He brought me into AA and Alanon. Without them I would we dead, figuratively and possibly literally.
Just my opinion and if it helps anyone.
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lunchbox123
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
«
Reply #12 on:
March 21, 2016, 04:48:59 AM »
Quote from: WoundedBibi on March 19, 2016, 08:03:41 PM
Because if you make excuses for her behaviour you can continue to love her and hope she will love you like you felt she did when your relationship started? Because you feel hidden within her is the ultimate dream woman, someone so extraordinary you feel you will never meet again, and you cannot bear the thought to live without this faint promise of her turning back into that dream woman? Because she made you feel like no other at first, like you could conquer the world with her at your side and so very much ALIVE?
I think you might have hit the nail on the head with this one.
I know what's inside her, I know how good it can be and humanising her faults lets me make excuses for her behaviour.
Sometimes I just see her as a normal person, someone I would love to build my life with. But then I remember how bad things can get and it makes me sad that even though I love her so very much I have to force myself to let go and walk away. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who I can have the same happily ever after with, but I do know that letting go of her now is the best thing I can do.
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GreenEyedMonster
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
«
Reply #13 on:
March 21, 2016, 05:12:52 AM »
Quote from: lunchbox123 on March 21, 2016, 04:48:59 AM
Quote from: WoundedBibi on March 19, 2016, 08:03:41 PM
Because if you make excuses for her behaviour you can continue to love her and hope she will love you like you felt she did when your relationship started? Because you feel hidden within her is the ultimate dream woman, someone so extraordinary you feel you will never meet again, and you cannot bear the thought to live without this faint promise of her turning back into that dream woman? Because she made you feel like no other at first, like you could conquer the world with her at your side and so very much ALIVE?
I think you might have hit the nail on the head with this one.
I know what's inside her, I know how good it can be and humanising her faults lets me make excuses for her behaviour.
Sometimes I just see her as a normal person, someone I would love to build my life with. But then I remember how bad things can get and it makes me sad that even though I love her so very much I have to force myself to let go and walk away. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who I can have the same happily ever after with, but I do know that letting go of her now is the best thing I can do.
I think doing this sort of thing can be normal and healthy with a non-disordered person. We all have our faults. If you intend to spend your life with someone, you need to humanize their faults to some degree. Your significant other might have issues like a penchant for being late, inability to cook well, leave dishes in the sink, have a difficult family. But we learn to forgive these things and see the "real person" inside. I did the same thing with my ex, too, as he did things like peeing on my toilet seat and leaving it for me to clean up. The more I was with him, though, the more I realized that he was aware of the things he was doing and just didn't care. I think the boiling frog is an apt analogy here. We start out doing a healthy degree of forgiving and looking past faults, and pretty soon we're looking past a majority of a person's traits to try to find the good.
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HarleypsychRN
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
«
Reply #14 on:
March 27, 2016, 11:42:49 AM »
Quote from: WoundedBibi on March 19, 2016, 08:03:41 PM
Because if you make excuses for her behaviour you can continue to love her and hope she will love you like you felt she did when your relationship started? Because you feel hidden within her is the ultimate dream woman, someone so extraordinary you feel you will never meet again, and you cannot bear the thought to live without this faint promise of her turning back into that dream woman? Because she made you feel like no other at first, like you could conquer the world with her at your side and so very much ALIVE?
WoundedBibi
Spot on. Thank you, I got so much from your response.
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WoundedBibi
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Re: Why do I keep humanizing her faults?
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Reply #15 on:
March 27, 2016, 01:35:25 PM »
You're welcome HarleypsychRN
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