what to do?

[Go Fish]

Hi, My uBPD husband has been frustrated with my behavior. I've been working more, and both of us have been travelling at different times. Recently, our teenage daughter went on a school trip for a week and it made us both realise that we don't have much to say to each other. I just can't stand being around him anymore. He said, in front of both of our children, that he is going to travel more and work more and won't be home that much because nobody wants to be with him.

I have mixed feelings about this. It's made my oldest daughter very upset because she gets along with him the best, and my youngest, whom he often gets angry at, tried to talk to him calmly. I just couldn't anymore. We moved to a different country for his job and I really can't stand the way he treats me. He'll make nice plans or do something kind, and then the same day, he'll try to turn the kids on me, and since they're teenagers, it often works, although they will apologise later. I don't think this is sustainable for me but I don't know what to do next, honestly. I can't really just pack up and move out. Talking to him never helps. I know there is a lot of advice about how to talk with someone with BPD, I've read it, and I can't live that way. He is constantly insulting me, I've left the house many times, and there's just no change.

I think we actually don't want to be together anymore and maybe even as a couple without the BPD, we're not compatible. We've been married for many years. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

You do sound very frustrated, and legitimately so. 

When you say "I can't really just pack up and move out" what do you mean by that?

What is keeping you there?

You also said your H is frustrated by your behavior. Can you be more specific? Is he frustrated with you creating distance, or frustrated with what you do together?

[Go Fish]

I still feel that I can't leave because we have two children and I have a part-time job. There are financial issues. Plus living abroad makes me unsure where to go. The kids are settled in here, I would like to go home, so any change would be temporary and would only add more instability.

He is frustrated that I haven't been available for him for the past month or so. It's been one thing after another, work, travel, more responsibilities than I usually have, and when we talk, he usually starts off well, then turns it around to something insulting, demeaning, alienating... .bait and switch, and I don't have the energy or will to act the part of the counsellor. He drinks too, although I'm not sure how much this adds to it.

He would like to do more things he enjoys, biking or hiking, which is fine. It hasn't been good weather, we've been busy, but he's now punishing all of us for not being there for him. This was a strong over-reaction, leading to extreme stress all around. We are actually going on a vacation, so you would think he would just let it go and wait since it's typical to finish things up before vacation. Admittedly, I haven't been kind to him and I'm sorry about that. I'm really hurt and tired, and now even sick, I'm afraid because I can't sleep at all at night, and he wakes up and reads his phone, etc. It's a terrible, unbearable cycle and I really don't see a way out.

[sweetheart]

Hello Go Fish,

Being overwhelmed in that unbearable cycle as you are acutely aware is keeping you stuck.

Living as you are in fear, feeling sick and exhausted is not sustainable long term.

I understand your reasons for not wanting to use the tools here to deal with your husbands behaviour, so instead, as a way of starting to improve things, I have put in some links specifically targeted at your needs and self care,

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Workshop - SUCCESS STORIES: How I gained control of my life

Have a read and think about your options in and out of the relationship, where best can you direct your energy in order for your life to improve, short and long term?

Come back and let us know your thoughts, we are always here to listen.

[Grey Kitty]

He is frustrated that I haven't been available for him for the past month or so. It's been one thing after another, work, travel, more responsibilities than I usually have, and when we talk, he usually starts off well, then turns it around to something insulting, demeaning, alienating.... bait and switch, and I don't have the energy or will to act the part of the counsellor. He drinks too, although I'm not sure how much this adds to it.

It sounds like reducing the time you spend in conflict with him is the best option right now.

Simply reducing the time together may help a bit... .but if you go on a vacation together, that will be a big chunk where you will be together, and that will require you to do better.

I see you've been here a few years, and took a break; I'm guessing you've got some experience with the tools and lessons here, but are ready to take a refresher and try some more.

You don't sound like you really WANT to stay in this frustrating marriage... .and I can understand that... .but you also aren't willing and able to leave NOW, so that leaves you with one good choice--work hard on what you can do to improve the marriage and reduce conflict right now--so that the time between now and when/if you leave is better for you and your children. (Even if/as you are working on a longer-term plan to move out.)

It sounds like his "bait and switch" is "working". By "working" I mean he's getting a chance to verbally abuse you, and you are letting it happen. So work on what you can do to fix that.

I'd suggest that you work on taking a time out immediately when you first notice him starting to switch and become abusive, insulting, demeaning, critical, or whatever.

TOOLS: How to take a time out