Wife doesn't accept sorry and I cannot help stop her meltdown

[Donbuon]

To everyone, I hope all is well to you and your love one's.

I need help.

I love my Wife and I am proud of her.She's very successful in her field of expertise, very busy and smart.

Every work colleagues and her close friends admire her.Unfortunately, I observed that her family is not that close to her.Most of her (5)siblings and parents have limited interaction and communication towards her.As a husband, I take care of house chores,I help in cooking, I fully take care of house cleaning, laundry, grocery etc., for my Wife is busy studying and working online.I massage her and listen to her attentively as much as I can.Share my last energy to her.

I have difficulty staying sane.Every mistake that I do, she calls me stupid and she stops on what she is doing and gets mad at me.She doesn't accept sorry anymore for she said that it doesn't make any sense for I always make the same mistakes and I am not changing.My usual mistakes are the following,

*I didn't understand what she was saying and I have to ask her to repeat it again.

*While we're talking according to her my comment doesn't make any sense and it's stupid therefore I am showing to her that I do not care.

*I always feel sleepy past 11:30pm and after massaging her while reading, I am dead tired and I cannot stay up with her until 1am after her readings are done.

*She's into coupons and sales and if I make a wrong purchase at the grocery she will get mad.

*If my words are wrong even though my intentions are pure, she will not accept any changes on it and get mad.

*Every mistake and argument, she said that I don't love her, she said that am useless and an ass.

She cries herself to exhaustion and the anger in her heart and thoughts are way too much for me to understand.

I have a good relationship with all my relatives and friends.I work and I do not mind that my salary is only a 3rd of what she earns.I arrived here in the US exactly 3 yrs ago and she is saying that I haven't done much for myself and I have no goals and ambitions.I might not be as smart as my Wife, but I know I am not stupid,(I became a Supervisor in my job&I speak 3 languages). She always throws to me the fact that I am better at work and with other people than taking care of her.

My Wife was diagnosed with Graves Disease (hyperthyroid), therefore this is messing her up.A huge hormonal struggle that even she knows is slowing and tiring her down.There was a time that during her radiation and I was taking care of her, I presented her a microwaved pizza (3pcs) in a plate where a piece is on top of the other, she got mad and flips the plate.She said that she's not a dog and the way I put the pizza on the plate was not proper and nasty.

For 3 years that we are married she finished her MBA and now she is fulfilling her dream to become a lawyer.We moved in a new house and try to be a normal as we can be.I supported my Wife the best way I can.I do not gamble, I do not do drugs or womanizing. My Wife is my everything and I will do anything for her.I know I am not perfect and I will mess things up, make mistakes, misunderstand her, forget things,make wrong decisions, fall-asleep and say comments and opinions that are honest and and sincere but will make her feel angry for she feels it doesn't make any sense and she has to correct it.She hits me in the peak of her anger (punching my chest and shoulders), she pinches her nails to my arms that causes marks. As a human being I cannot help her feel better for herself and get her out of that mental and emotional misery that consumes her.I know there's something mentally wrong with her,I know our relationship is not going to last.

My only concern as her Husband is how I can help her?I want to exhaust all means.I went to a therapist (3x), she doesn't want to come. The therapist said that there is nothing wrong with me and we cannot move forward if my Wife will not come with me, so the session stopped for the therapist said there's no sense for me going to her alone.As I also think about what's going to happen and happening to me, I want to help my Wife too.I know we will end up in a divorce, but before that happens, please try to enlighten me of other things I can do for my Wife.

Thank you for your time.God bless!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[iluminati]

 

There's a lot going on, so I'll try to latch onto different things.

* You mentioned Graves' Disease.  Thyroid problems often have mental health impacts.  Getting her thyroid issues right won't solve anything, but it will definitely take the edge off.

* In terms of the domestic violence, document, document, document.  I can't emphasize that enough.

* The communication stuff can be fixed by the lessons on the right.  It is the collective wisdom of this board, and it will behoove you to take advantage.  Go for it.

[waverider]

 

Welcome Donboun

It is quite hard to read your story without wanting to hand you a big STOP sign to show your wife.

Has life always been like this for you, even before you met your wife?

You probably are aware that you have taken on a totally submissive role and this is how your wife sees you. As such she will not treat you any other way regardless of what you do.

The core of your question is what else can you do to help your wife. The answer to this is to stop feeding her neediness you are just fueling it.  There is much to learn about personal values, self respect on boundaries. Until you learn what these mean to you your wife will not see them in you.

There is a lot of information on this site that will help you identify BPD behaviors and how better to reduce their effect on you. it is likely that prolonged exposure to it has had what can only be described as a brain washing effect on you.

Ask not what more can you do, but rather what should you stop doing.

Waverider

[sweetheart]

Hello Donbuon and welcome, I'm glad you found us.

I want to start by urging you to return to seeing a therapist, just for you, for your wellbeing and ongoing emotional support. It is still possible for you to receive help around your wife's behaviours even if she doesn't come with you.

Improving situations with our loved ones start with us, getting stronger and clearer about how we begin to look after ourselves. You sound understandably exhausted and overwhelmed. This is because you need to take care of yourself first in order to improve things. As you are finding out your wife will continue to take all you have to give even when you have no reserves left, leaving you feeling even more fatigued. You are right when you say you cannot change how your wife thinks and feels, you cannot make her better.

I am concerned for you that you are being hurt physically by your wife, this sounds painful and it must be very distressing for you. I going to provide you with a link around domestic violence for you to read which will be important in helping you understand what is happening, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

It is also important for your personal safety that as you soon as you think your wife is going to escalate any conflict whereby it becomes physical then you must try and remove yourself from the situation. Out of the room, out of the house if necessary. Start thinking in terms of putting your personal safety first.

I think I can hear in your post that in order to help your wife you perhaps feel you must endure this type of behaviour. You do not have to endure physical violence for this to happen.


It is really positive to hear that you have good relationships with family and friends, their support can be invaluable, it can be very easy to become isolated. Are any of them aware of how difficult things are for you at times?

Your starting point for helping your wife begins with you. When you have time have a look at the information links on your right -------->

[waverider]

A few thoughts for you:

Success is often an external cover, whilst inside she may feel like a failure. This she can't accept and so paints you as the failure to pass on responsibility for these thoughts. This is called projection. it is a coping mechanism.

The more you are painted the failure, the more she believes it, making it impossible to be respected. It is self perpetuating it.

Neediness is a Black Hole. It absorbs everything you can throw at it, until you have nothing left to give, and the net result of your efforts leaves no visible effect. it is purely a process of consuming without any end result.

[Donbuon]

To everyone, thank you for your time.

I will continue to educate myself through each of our own experiences in this blog.This disorder is really creating havoc in people's lives and no success or tangible things can make a human-being happy if we have a love one with BPD in our lives.Indeed, I cannot stop her to think and feel bad about little mistakes she sees in me.It was her choice to aggravate herself.I do avoid my Wife just like her own Family, I try to minimize my time and words with her that's why we both know our marriage is not going to last.I accepted the challenge of BPD and do my best to take care of myself and hopefully be a beacon of hope and some happiness to my Wife.Whenever we fight and she starts to squeeze her nails through me or throw a punch, I stop explaining and saying sorry, I just walk away.She will cry herself to exhaustion and she cannot control her misery anymore, it consumes her so much that that her eyes, the words she's saying and the tone of her voice reflects so much anger and frustration (my humanity and brain cannot understand the logic of such pain and anger). She will leave the house and sleep in a hotel and then blame everything on me and my stupidity.

I am relieved to listen from all of you and understand more things about this disorder.There were many times that I know I was blindsided by the truth for the love and beauty of life I see with my Wife.She's the most beautiful woman in the World to me that is why the last thing I can show my love to her is to walk away and never be a part of this.I believe as long as I am with her, I will do something to start her misery again.Every mistake that I do is killing her so much that her head and heart is exploding with so much anger and it kills me too seeing her like that.The anger is too much to handle and it melts every brain cell and love I have in this World for her.

I am not afraid of change or isolation, I just wish there is a cure for this and/or a systematic way to approach this mental disorder and I will do it for my Wife.It really sucks and to all of you who were there and is being challenged by a love one's situation, I wish you all the best and love in this World.