Moving on & piecing myself back together

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all.

I recently came across this site as I was looking for answers following the break down of my relationship, and it has helped me immeasurably to understand why things happened. I still hurt, massively, but I'm gradually training my head to understand the need to be away from that toxic environment.

So, the relationship. We met online, spoke for about a month, before meeting. I was captivated. She was intoxicating. I fell in love, hard. In hindsight, it was probably extreme infatuation but I hadn't felt anything like it. There was a couple of weeks where we didn't see each other (we were long distance), but we soon managed to see each other regularly. There was one huge argument borne out of nothing at all after a really wonderful day. I should have taken that as a sign. On the way back to the hotel, she exploded and just wanted to run away. I was dumbfounded.

We were deeply in love, and she disclosed to me quite quickly that she was going through a severe crisis with bulimia, and mentioned that she had a lot of family issues, deep depression, and disclosed to me she was a victim of sexual abuse when she was 6 years old. But, I resolved to 'save her', promised to stick with her, handle any bad times etc. I was in love with her. I recognise this as a trait of being in a relationship with a BPDer, love can prevail (and I'm an eternal optimist, hopeless romantic etc).

Not long after we moved in, I truly began to experience arguments that were vicious, and came out of nowhere. She had insane jealously issues, she would throw things, demand to know who I fancied before we met, cut friends out of my life, would lose it if I seemed slightly distracted and wasn't completely focussed on her. I hadn't experienced anything like them. I loved her, didn't want to run away, but I had moved to a new city and didn't know anyone apart from her. She would lash out and hit me for things that seemed completely insignificant.

I felt a duty to her, I can't explain it. I felt almost like I owed her my support and to accept that this is how it was going to be. "Once we move house it'll be better", "we'll get pets, that'll make her feel better", "let's just get her through university" (she is training to be a social worker). I told myself these little excuses to justify her behaviour, and unbelievably now, I managed to convince myself that she was ok and simply just accepted my role in the relationship. She would use sex as a weapon during arguments, would say things to make me jealous, insult me. If she didn't want sex for any reason, I would give her a hug. If I didn't, I called every name under the sun.

The worst memory I have, is on my 30th birthday. She took me away for the evening, and we were having a wonderful time. after dinner we were having a couple of drinks, then out of the blue her drink was poured over me and she spent the next hour locked in the en-suite screaming at me, "I hope if you have a daughter, she gets raped". I cut myself that night. I had never self harmed before, never considered it, but I was so upset, so despondent, I broke a glass and ran it down my arm. Happy birthday.

The rest of the relationship continued along this ilk. I rarely went out, and when I did she would have jealous rages. I walked on eggshells, trying to avoid doing things to avoid upsetting her, but I think I just burnt out. Just under two years of first meeting her I think I gave up. I was just tired. I loved her, so much. I was desperate to help her get better (and she did tell me she credits me with helping her beat her eating disorder). There would be times were I would literally have to kick down the bathroom door to stop her from trying to kill herself. But I just became distant, and buried my head in the sand. I didn't want her to leave me, but I just couldn't see through the fog.

Since she left 7 weeks ago she told me she hated me at first, then a week later told me she loved me and used me for emotional support. Then she hated me again, etc etc, then she was sexually assaulted and came running to me for support. Except for this time she was seeing someone new. I've begged, and pleaded for her to leave me alone. I've been left alone at our flat, surrounded by our memories and I've found it impossible to cope. I contacted her to tell her I was leaving the flat, which triggered a sadness in her. She was upset that we are finally at the end, we could have been something so much better etc. Once we have divided up our things, I'll block all of her numbers.

I feel numb today. I feel like this person has entered my life, chucked in a grenade and walked away so she doesn't have to see the consequences. I'm looking forward to moving in to my new flat, although I have to put my cats up for adoption. I cry, uncontrollably. I bear the physical scars of my relationship with her. I'm starting counselling on Thursday to try and fix the mental ones. But if she asked me if I still loved her, I would say yes. The relationship was so, so intense I'm finding it so difficult to just switch those off, whereas she has seemingly moved on with a second though.

Thanks for reading, I hope I can find some peace through this site.

[duncsvoice]

Hi all.

I recently came across this site as I was looking for answers following the break down of my relationship, and it has helped me immeasurably to understand why things happened. I still hurt, massively, but I'm gradually training my head to understand the need to be away from that toxic environment.

So, the relationship. We met online, spoke for about a month, before meeting. I was captivated. She was intoxicating. I fell in love, hard. In hindsight, it was probably extreme infatuation but I hadn't felt anything like it. There was a couple of weeks where we didn't see each other (we were long distance), but we soon managed to see each other regularly. There was one huge argument borne out of nothing at all after a really wonderful day. I should have taken that as a sign. On the way back to the hotel, she exploded and just wanted to run away. I was dumbfounded.

We were deeply in love, and she disclosed to me quite quickly that she was going through a severe crisis with bulimia, and mentioned that she had a lot of family issues, deep depression, and disclosed to me she was a victim of sexual abuse when she was 6 years old. But, I resolved to 'save her', promised to stick with her, handle any bad times etc. I was in love with her. I recognise this as a trait of being in a relationship with a BPDer, love can prevail (and I'm an eternal optimist, hopeless romantic etc).

Not long after we moved in, I truly began to experience arguments that were vicious, and came out of nowhere. She had insane jealously issues, she would throw things, demand to know who I fancied before we met, cut friends out of my life, would lose it if I seemed slightly distracted and wasn't completely focussed on her. I hadn't experienced anything like them. I loved her, didn't want to run away, but I had moved to a new city and didn't know anyone apart from her. She would lash out and hit me for things that seemed completely insignificant.

I felt a duty to her, I can't explain it. I felt almost like I owed her my support and to accept that this is how it was going to be. "Once we move house it'll be better", "we'll get pets, that'll make her feel better", "let's just get her through university" (she is training to be a social worker). I told myself these little excuses to justify her behaviour, and unbelievably now, I managed to convince myself that she was ok and simply just accepted my role in the relationship. She would use sex as a weapon during arguments, would say things to make me jealous, insult me. If she didn't want sex for any reason, I would give her a hug. If I didn't, I called every name under the sun.

The worst memory I have, is on my 30th birthday. She took me away for the evening, and we were having a wonderful time. after dinner we were having a couple of drinks, then out of the blue her drink was poured over me and she spent the next hour locked in the en-suite screaming at me, "I hope if you have a daughter, she gets raped". I cut myself that night. I had never self harmed before, never considered it, but I was so upset, so despondent, I broke a glass and ran it down my arm. Happy birthday.

The rest of the relationship continued along this ilk. I rarely went out, and when I did she would have jealous rages. I walked on eggshells, trying to avoid doing things to avoid upsetting her, but I think I just burnt out. Just under two years of first meeting her I think I gave up. I was just tired. I loved her, so much. I was desperate to help her get better (and she did tell me she credits me with helping her beat her eating disorder). There would be times were I would literally have to kick down the bathroom door to stop her from trying to kill herself. But I just became distant, and buried my head in the sand. I didn't want her to leave me, but I just couldn't see through the fog.

Since she left 7 weeks ago she told me she hated me at first, then a week later told me she loved me and used me for emotional support. Then she hated me again, etc etc, then she was sexually assaulted and came running to me for support. Except for this time she was seeing someone new. I've begged, and pleaded for her to leave me alone. I've been left alone at our flat, surrounded by our memories and I've found it impossible to cope. I contacted her to tell her I was leaving the flat, which triggered a sadness in her. She was upset that we are finally at the end, we could have been something so much better etc. Once we have divided up our things, I'll block all of her numbers.

I feel numb today. I feel like this person has entered my life, chucked in a grenade and walked away so she doesn't have to see the consequences. I'm looking forward to moving in to my new flat, although I have to put my cats up for adoption. I cry, uncontrollably. I bear the physical scars of my relationship with her. I'm starting counselling on Thursday to try and fix the mental ones. But if she asked me if I still loved her, I would say yes. The relationship was so, so intense I'm finding it so difficult to just switch those off, whereas she has seemingly moved on with a second though.

Thanks for reading, I hope I can find some peace through this site.

[Frank88]

Duncsvoice: You'll get a lot of support on this site. I encourage you to read as much as you can on all the boards, not just the Detaching board.  You'll see people at different stages of their relationships and breakups.  Your feelings right now are natural, and are in line with what everyone else seems to have gone through.  Unfortunately, time is one of the only ways to heal, and no contact.  Seeing a psychologist is good, and there are meds out there if you need them.  Take it day by day.  When I read what you wrote, it just reminds me that mine was the same way.  It takes a little while for the true colors to come out, but they do.  I really hope my ex does ok in her next one, she's with a decent guy, but with everything I read, it may only be a matter of time before that one goes too.  In the end, you have to take care of yourself so that you can be in a position to take care of others in your life should that need arise.  Your family and friends will want the real you, the original you. 

[khibomsis]

  Welcome to this board duncsvoice! You have come to the right place. BPD is still poorly understood out there, often even those close to us cannot understand what we've gone through. I warned my spouse about my uBPD mom before we got married, feeling that she should know what she was getting into, but even then it took years before one day she exclaimed:" but your mom really is crazy!" I cried with relief when I said "yes, that is what I've been trying to tell you." She said " I have never experienced anything like it, that is why I couldn't imagine it. "

Here you will find people who understand, who have been through the same mill and who are supporting each other to come out on the other side.

You have already crossed two huge hurdles, that is the decision to go for no contact as soon as you can, and to get professional help. It is not uncommon to suffer post traumatic stress symptoms. You have been through a lot and must expect to be tired. Are you able to direct the same love and support inwards that you been pouring into your ex? 

I am sorry to hear about your pending separation from your cats! What helped me a lot when I was at rock bottom was reminding myself that this too shall pass.