uBPD parent characteristics you may relate to

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Anybody relate?

1) parent has emotional hemophilia, feelings don't clot to foster conflict resolutions, keep on bleeding

2) parent cannot tolerate ambiguity, prefer to assume worst case scenario than bear confusion

3) parent forces child to walk perilous tightrope, trying to fulfill idealization but falls upon demonization, no net (rejection and abandonment)

4) parent hypersensitive to ANY criticism

5) parent has perfectionism for self and child

6) parent indulges child's grandiosity and then makes child guilty for not having been impossibly perfect

7) parent uses child as pawn in parents' marriage

8) parent has lack of object constancy, cannot tolerate or forgive unexpected or prolonged separations

9) parent has sudden terrifying rages

10) parent has trouble with empathy

11) change is a monumental struggle to parent

12) parent overdependent and over sensitive to feedback of casual acquaintances or outsiders

[bethanny]

Anybody relate?

1) parent has emotional hemophilia, feelings don't clot to foster conflict resolutions, keep on bleeding

2) parent cannot tolerate ambiguity, prefer to assume worst case scenario than bear confusion

3) parent forces child to walk perilous tightrope, trying to fulfill idealization but falls upon demonization, no net (rejection and abandonment)

4) parent hypersensitive to ANY criticism

5) parent has perfectionism for self and child

6) parent indulges child's grandiosity and then makes child guilty for not having been impossibly perfect

7) parent uses child as pawn in parents' marriage

8) parent has lack of object constancy, cannot tolerate or forgive unexpected or prolonged separations

9) parent has sudden terrifying rages

10) parent has trouble with empathy

11) change is a monumental struggle to parent

12) parent overdependent and over sensitive to feedback of casual acquaintances or outsiders

[Kwamina]

Hi bethanny

I can definitely relate to many of the characteristics you've listed here. It is a sad reality when your parent is disordered and exhibits these kinds of traits as this can really affect a child.

I think I might have told you before that my mother treated my oldest sister as all-good and my other sister as all-bad. However, after they moved out my mother started alternately splitting me into all-good and all-bad which was extremely confusing and damaging.

The sudden explosive raging was terrifying too. The 'Witch' as described by Christine Ann Lawson was one of the most frightening things I ever experienced. Though my mother wasn't often in 'Witch' mode, after experiencing this once I was always on guard for it to happening again, looking for signs of 'The Turn'. And unfortunately it did happen again.

It really is sad when you have a disordered parent. Their behavior can really damage a child and also the relationships they have with their children.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Bethanny!

Your summary is good and reminds me of the same book which Kwamina pointed out by Christine Ann Lawson. So many of the items in your list fall right into place with the examples she mentions in her book. Is there any particular one or two that you struggle with the most?

The never ending 'bleeding' is one which I grew so tired of with my uBPDm, and you've given it an appropriate description. Never ending, never able to stop the verbal flow.

I agree with Kwamina that some of the more difficult times for me were the raging of my mom. Terrifying, and to this day when I come across someone like that, it triggers me terribly. While I am better than I used to be, the hyper-vigilance from 'the turn' still follows me if I'm in an emotionally similar environment.

Kwamina, I'm glad to hear that I was not the only one who had to deal with the all-good and all-bad alternating splitting. Many times as I've read posts and books, I've tried to define who I was to my mom, and always came back to the "sometimes I was all-good, sometimes I was all-bad." I think my siblings also were regularly moved in and out of the same place. No wonder I am confused. 

Wools

[unicorn2014]

Yes I can relate to some of these such as the ambiguity and the inability to tolerate criticism , having trouble with empathy, and change being difficult. I appreciate you taking the time to write those out.

[bethanny]

Kwamina,

Thanks for being around once again to offer support & wisdom.

Looking back I recognize that I made myself appreciate my mother in WAIF mode which she stayed in as long as I was 100% attentive.  Anything less invited THE TERRIFYING WITCH. What a disturbing flip that was. Younger years she flipped back and forth and there was no acknowledgment of the bludgeoning I had been treated to by witch when WAIF returned. When I got older WITCH moved in a lot of time since I was so broken and overwhelmed I was not jumping through high hoops any more and unable to mother WAIF. I was falling apart. It wasn't that I wouldn't, I couldn't.  I was breaking down.

ALL GOOD VS ALL BAD AND BACK AGAIN. EMOTIONALLY SEA-SICKENING. Made a vulnerable child not be able to importantly cultivate a grounded sense of identity. Also, project that intolerance on all others. They are nice but if I get close will they turn on me and horrify me as well?

My latest revelation is how the uBPD exploits natural tendency to grandiosity of a child's ego hungry for validation so much as to child to become addicted to and codependent with uBPD on over the top attributions of specialness and then when unhealthy and merciless demands of the ubd parent are later not met, the parent shames and guilts and invalidates as if the child was all the time a big phony for not being the perfect one. It was a big manipulation game. The respect one savored as a child turns out to have been phony. 

To be continued.

Best,

Bethanny

[bethanny]

Wools,

Thanks for responding.

I cherish Lawson's book of insights! 

When one's own siblings struggle to sustain denial one needs others not in denial and a book explaining what was so confusing and horrifying.

The ambiguity one and the ubd parent's immediate adoption of the worst case scenario, emotional reasoning. Also the hemophilic bleeding.  No conflict resolution can be done because ubd parent's ego keeps acting like under attack and can't abide ANY feedback.  No reservoir of good willi ever. When one disappoints one is accused by uBPD parent of having been faking love and devotion and demonic in essence. That lack of ANY good will or any memory of past devotion is stunning and heartbreaking.

THE TURN. I appreciate Lawson's describing that. TRULY TERRIFYING.  I have heard it described as the Medusa look as well.

Irrational malice and jealousy from a parent. 

Unconditional acceptance from a parent grounds one existentially.  The right to assert one's will is the cornerstone of one's identity I have read. Terrible twos about feeling that important independence. When one is robbed of that one will be plagued with an undulating sense of identity, hounded and paralyzed by self-doubt that prevents enjoying life as adventure not gauntlet.  One with wholesome and unconditional support from authority figures has global self-esteem and is not dependent on being a human-doing, with specific self-esteem only.

Best,

Bethanny

[bethanny]

unicorn, thanks so much for responding and relating!  take care of your precious self!

Best,

Bethanny

[unicorn2014]

unicorn, thanks so much for responding and relating!  take care of your precious self!

Best,

Bethanny

Thank you bethany, I'm working on my 10th step in ACA, I may need to retrace my steps and start it over again. I don't currently have a working sponsor, I did ask someone to be my sponsor, but I don't see her in my homegrown so she's not an ideal choice. I'm going to approach someone else.

[Seoulsister]

emotional hemophilia

I have never heard it expressed this way, but it is so fitting!