Will my exBPD ever see me in a good light again?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all, I'm new here and would just like some advice. I'll try to keep the story as short as possible.

My first serious relationship has just ended a couple of weeks ago.

My ex has BPD and after 1 week of our break up has already found another 'life partner" (her friend who hangs out with us sometimes when we were dating and was obsessed with her).

I know about her fears of being alone and told me she's never single for long.

Learning how to cope with the break up is hard and I've been hurting myself too  much reading her social media posts. But I haven't been reading too much into it lately.

Apparently she is really happy and telling the world how perfect this friend is compared to me etc.

On her personal blog she describes me as an addiction that has destroyed her and that her friend

is nice to talk to but that her flaws stick out too much that makes her want to run away but that

she might have the chance for a 'normal' relationship without constant arguments. She even recommended I get diagnosed in case I have BPD too, and when I went to my psychologist I was told I don't have anything serious and my anxiety just escalates depending on who triggers that (my ex), and we just needed to work on better communication. Itwas just that my BPDex no longer wanted to work on better communication etc.

She initiated no contact telling me that we can be friends in a months time giving me a specific date (whether she contacts me or not) and that out of consolation the friend wasn't right for her either but this was before she decided to be official with her friend anyway.

In some ways I blame myself. I proposed an open relationship because there were times I was curious about others but with that said they were purely for hookups. I changed my mind by the time I heard she's been having fun with the friend who is crazy for her and it just felt wrong to keep that going since the friend really liked her. This is when she got angry at me for the very last time. I told her that it wasn't fair to pick friend because it;s making things messy instead of having fun with a stranger and I dropped the girl I was seeing at that time. She reacted that I should just go date the other girl because she's prettier etc. She didn't really understand that I loved her and only her. She keeps encouraging me to date the girl.

I know I triggered her abandonment issues hence why she thinks our relationship is no longer fixable. She said I am the one to blame for everything and that I was the one who created distance in the relationship when she was completely happy with just me.

She's convinced now that her friend is the one because the friend only wantedto be with her whereas I made that mistake of opening our relationship and making her feel 'not good enough' no matter how much I told her I loved her and would stop seeing others and create happier memories like when the friend would take her out during the crises we had. I think that's why she thinks the friend is some kind of white knight.

Things are happening so fast,like she's calling her friend now the love of her life, life partner etc. and I am stuck whether I should move on or wait if her new relationship fails or if she'll ever see me in a good light again

I don't know how long it will take and what to do in the mean time or if it is worth it because of her mental illness. I am completely heartbroken over this and still very much love her. Did she even love me etc. comes to mind all the time because of how quickly she has moved on after a week when I thought she really wanted things to work. I thought she would have been happy to keep it monogamous again. She didn't even grieve our 10 months together and I was her longest relationship. She's had many, longest before me 6 months then the rest 3 months or less.

She told me I made her feel worthless because of what I did, blames everything on me, that it was manipulative and controlling of me and now that I'm wanting to fully commit to her to show her that isn't true is where she leaves me and says it's toofar gone and 'broken'.

it seems like I triggered her too much.

Is it too unhealthy to wait till she comes back? I heard people with BPD do not miss their exes at all if they're distracted with someone new. Is that true? Is it possible to be painted black forever due to what's happened? Does love fade away that quickly for people with BPD? Out of sight out of mind right? :/

[Curiously1]

Hey all, I'm new here and would just like some advice. I'll try to keep the story as short as possible.

My first serious relationship has just ended a couple of weeks ago.

My ex has BPD and after 1 week of our break up has already found another 'life partner" (her friend who hangs out with us sometimes when we were dating and was obsessed with her).

I know about her fears of being alone and told me she's never single for long.

Learning how to cope with the break up is hard and I've been hurting myself too  much reading her social media posts. But I haven't been reading too much into it lately.

Apparently she is really happy and telling the world how perfect this friend is compared to me etc.

On her personal blog she describes me as an addiction that has destroyed her and that her friend

is nice to talk to but that her flaws stick out too much that makes her want to run away but that

she might have the chance for a 'normal' relationship without constant arguments. She even recommended I get diagnosed in case I have BPD too, and when I went to my psychologist I was told I don't have anything serious and my anxiety just escalates depending on who triggers that (my ex), and we just needed to work on better communication. Itwas just that my BPDex no longer wanted to work on better communication etc.

She initiated no contact telling me that we can be friends in a months time giving me a specific date (whether she contacts me or not) and that out of consolation the friend wasn't right for her either but this was before she decided to be official with her friend anyway.

In some ways I blame myself. I proposed an open relationship because there were times I was curious about others but with that said they were purely for hookups. I changed my mind by the time I heard she's been having fun with the friend who is crazy for her and it just felt wrong to keep that going since the friend really liked her. This is when she got angry at me for the very last time. I told her that it wasn't fair to pick friend because it;s making things messy instead of having fun with a stranger and I dropped the girl I was seeing at that time. She reacted that I should just go date the other girl because she's prettier etc. She didn't really understand that I loved her and only her. She keeps encouraging me to date the girl.

I know I triggered her abandonment issues hence why she thinks our relationship is no longer fixable. She said I am the one to blame for everything and that I was the one who created distance in the relationship when she was completely happy with just me.

She's convinced now that her friend is the one because the friend only wantedto be with her whereas I made that mistake of opening our relationship and making her feel 'not good enough' no matter how much I told her I loved her and would stop seeing others and create happier memories like when the friend would take her out during the crises we had. I think that's why she thinks the friend is some kind of white knight.

Things are happening so fast,like she's calling her friend now the love of her life, life partner etc. and I am stuck whether I should move on or wait if her new relationship fails or if she'll ever see me in a good light again

I don't know how long it will take and what to do in the mean time or if it is worth it because of her mental illness. I am completely heartbroken over this and still very much love her. Did she even love me etc. comes to mind all the time because of how quickly she has moved on after a week when I thought she really wanted things to work. I thought she would have been happy to keep it monogamous again. She didn't even grieve our 10 months together and I was her longest relationship. She's had many, longest before me 6 months then the rest 3 months or less.

She told me I made her feel worthless because of what I did, blames everything on me, that it was manipulative and controlling of me and now that I'm wanting to fully commit to her to show her that isn't true is where she leaves me and says it's toofar gone and 'broken'.

it seems like I triggered her too much.

Is it too unhealthy to wait till she comes back? I heard people with BPD do not miss their exes at all if they're distracted with someone new. Is that true? Is it possible to be painted black forever due to what's happened? Does love fade away that quickly for people with BPD? Out of sight out of mind right? :/

[Teereese]

  Curiously1,

I am sorry that you are going through this. We have all been there and this is a great place for support.

pwBPD tend to move on and find a replacement quickly. My stbxh has a very new replacement that "completes him"  This actually makes me happy because my hope is at some point he will focus on idealizing her and less on devaluing me. She will get the devaluing soon enough.

Blaming yourself initially is normal until you realize that you are only responsible for yourself. I blamed myself for much more than I had control over. I was not perfect and could have done things differently. A relationship with a pwBPD is a roller coaster ride.

Would you really want a relationship that will cycle through all that a pwBPD has to offer? What you have been through will likely happen again and again until you decide to stop it.


Is it too unhealthy to wait till she comes back?

What do you think? Was this a healthy relationship?

I heard people with BPD do not miss their exes at all if they're distracted with someone new. Is that true?

pwBPD tend to recycle their lovers. She may want to come back around at some point when her new r/s has failed. Is that really what you want?

Is it possible to be painted black forever due to what's happened?

Perhaps. My stbxh has painted me black over the years and then back to white. At this point, I am painted black and it may be permanent because I am never going back.

Does love fade away that quickly for people with BPD?

pwBPD have a skewed view of love.

Out of sight out of mind right?

Usually.

Take time to reflect, figure out yourself and what you really want, take care of yourself and focus on you. 

[Curiously1]

She did know it was unhealthy. She told me she needed more positive interactions. We had constant arguments/fights during the last month leading to the breakup. It felt impossible to try make things better again because the friend was now in the picture, and instead of trying to repair things, she would ignore me, and just see the friend instead as an escape from our issues.

I feel really bad because I was seeing a psychologist for some advice. She loved how I fought for our love and how I never gave up and now this. She would always come back and never left and I grew more fond of her because of that but now I realise it was because she didn't have a backup at that point.

It wasn't entirely my fault, I know because it takes two. She told me she "tried" and "it was fun while it lasted"... that's all really but she never really tried. There was too much push/pull and threats to break up from both sides.


I was too optimistic about using the new stuff I learnt from the psychologist and told her all about it but she didn't acknowledge any of my efforts anymore and instead of tring to communicate with me, she would run off to the other friend and go have a fun date instead.

She never really wanted to confront anything because as she put it, I made her feel crappy about herself. Eventually I made her feel crap about herself + not good enough for me (in her eyes) that I think she's on the rebound now because her friend validates her that it was never her fault or something and that it was all mine.

Basically its all my fault and she can't see how she contributed to the issues...

That's why her friend can do no wrong right now. Her friend is "normal" , "neurotypical" she says

and I am not. All I have is anxiety and normal but she doesn't see it that way. I started thinking I had major issues but psychologist said I don't so thank goodness for me I don't have BPD too which she suspected I had.

[Teereese]

Most of what you describe is typical BPD behavior.

I was in a 20+ year marriage and the more I tried, the worse it got. Once I began seeing a therapist, it became clear that the r/s was doomed. I am stubborn. I stayed.

In my case, my ex was abused and neglected from the day he was born. I believe the abuse and neglect to be the cause of his disorder. He is an addict. He was an addict before he met me. All of this predates me by decades, but in his mind, everything is my fault.

Much of what your ex says about feeling crappy about herself and not being worthy are her issues. Her feelings about herself.

Of course her friend is validating your ex. Friend is only hearing your ex's side. Your ex is in the idealization phase with friend. pwBPD need a person to feed their needs.

For years, I thought I was insane. My ex had me questioning my core, values and beliefs on a daily basis.

[Curiously1]

I questioned myself so so much. I was always about self-improvement, reflecting on myself to the point that I thought there was something really wrong with me too... to not be able to make things work out or find the right way to communicate her which didn't offend her, appear to accuse her etc.

I thought I could still meet her needs by showing her that we can have a monogamous relationship again.

I thought that was enough to make her feel good enough for me. But yeah, she simply changed her mind

and it hurts to know that she's convinced that we've tried everything we could to make it work when we really haven't tried any of it. She doesn't believe anyone can put up with her and here I am trying my best and she just left.

She wrote on her blog about "boundaries" and how I crossed them but the thing is, I was just suggesting she improve some of her behaviours and wear appropriate footwear to a fancy restaurant (just small things like that). But by telling her anything she disagreed with, to her that was sort of this stepping over her boundaries and she thinks I'm trying to change her completely (whatever that means).

"There’s a girl. She’s adorable and all you want to do is hold her. But she is as mad as a hatter and addictive to boot. If you indulge that addiction, she will destroy you.

There’s another girl. She’s more neurotypical. You have common ground with her. She’s nice to talk to. But spend too much time with her and her flaws stick out like a sore thumb and you just want to get away from her.

Then there’s you. God forbid having having to spend time with yourself. You will be miserable spending your whole life putting up with your own bull****"

The first girl she's speaking of is me. Somehow I destroyed her for just suggesting to her to help me clean the house, to just help me do some domestic chores now and again and somehow that made me a horrible person in her mind. I think at some point she said I was turning into her nagging sister or something or someone from her past that told her she should do this or that because it'll help her.

I can't really think of anything else we really fought about. It was mostly her contributing to stuff around the house that would trigger her, or me asking her if she really loved me. She did feel helpless as a child she told me when it came to chores, like she could never do it right but I never put her down about it. Her helping out around the house was somehow ruining her identity and that I should have loved her for her 'unconditionally' and let her trash the house or else she would fail her studies. It was either or. Like do you want me to be your domestic queen with the house all sparkly and me fail my degree or would you rather not worry about it and have me succeed in my studies?" that kind of attitude.

The second girl is about her friend but even though she can't stand those things about her, guess what? they just happen to be in a relationship now and everything which she said appears to be the complete opposite now with her happy tweets about their relationship. It's so confusing but yeah, she never wants to be alone so maybe she somehow convinced herself this was the right thing to do for her but it's definitely idealisation like you said.

[once removed]

hi curiously1 

Teereese has given you good advice and insight.

She wrote on her blog about "boundaries" and how I crossed them but the thing is, I was just suggesting she improve some of her behaviours and wear appropriate footwear to a fancy restaurant (just small things like that). But by telling her anything she disagreed with, to her that was sort of this stepping over her boundaries and she thinks I'm trying to change her completely (whatever that means).

people with BPD tend to subconsciously seek relationships that will "reparent", a replaying of the failure to detach and become an autonomous self that occurred at a very young age. unknown to you, you were parentified. in that role, it is a matter of time before you represent what is known as the "punitive parent", a schema mode we all share. as someone lacking an autonomous self, a person with BPD will, at first, gain a sense of self through attachments (you). this is a doomed dynamic - ultimately a pwBPD will resent themselves, feelings that will be avoided by resenting and blaming you. this dynamic may swing back and forth. thats not your fault.

but in other words, telling a person with BPD (or possibly anyone) what to wear or not to wear triggers the punitive parent.

[Curiously1]

Thanks for all the insight guys.

Yep learning little bits about what happened to her

I tried to avoid telling her certain things she could have improved on at the beginning of our relationship because I knew that some of these things might make someone feel ashamed/embarrrassed which I was trying to avoid.

Instead, I just did everything and hoped I'd be a good example, and eventually motivate her to help out that way.

At some point, of course a discussion had to be made because the home environment was just affecting me to the point I'd be embarrassed to bring friends over and I just really needed some help. I'm not even a neat freak. She would make excuses each time instead of talk through things like we can worry about it when we have enough money and would simply hire a cleaner or when I thought we needed to buy extra socks because the other ones are getting old she'd make another excuse and say everything breaks so don't worry about getting anything.

She even said that if we were to have kids, how I'd cope since kids make huge messes. Thing is, that's when you teach kids life skills and be more patient with them so that's different.

One progress for us was that eventually we were able to buy a vacuum, a broom and some cleaning products. Surprisingly she didn't have any at hers, it didn't make sense to me but I needed to nag enough times to have them.

She got very angry with me and that the things that I thought mattered were too trivial and that her studies were more important than anything else. Of course I knew they were important and should be a priority but yeah, I could never suggest she make any changes to anything without making her angry.

I wish she appreciated my efforts instead of me turning into the 'punitive parent' or simply a nagging horrible person but I don't think she sees that. I was afraid of being like my own mother who did all the chores and was always exhausted not having much time for herself where dad just worked, came home to eat then sleep. I was afraid of having a miserable life without much support which I told her about but yes, she told me not to worry, that money will solve all our problems and that things will be taken care of in the future... .

I endure a lot, maybe because that's how my mother is. Based on knowing bits about her past I have an idea as to why these things hurt her but it's still hard to let go. That sense that I need to love and care for her despite her flaws is still there

[hopealways]

hi curiously1 

Teereese has given you good advice and insight.

She wrote on her blog about "boundaries" and how I crossed them but the thing is, I was just suggesting she improve some of her behaviours and wear appropriate footwear to a fancy restaurant (just small things like that). But by telling her anything she disagreed with, to her that was sort of this stepping over her boundaries and she thinks I'm trying to change her completely (whatever that means).

people with BPD tend to subconsciously seek relationships that will "reparent", a replaying of the failure to detach and become an autonomous self that occurred at a very young age. unknown to you, you were parentified. in that role, it is a matter of time before you represent what is known as the "punitive parent", a schema mode we all share. as someone lacking an autonomous self, a person with BPD will, at first, gain a sense of self through attachments (you). this is a doomed dynamic - ultimately a pwBPD will resent themselves, feelings that will be avoided by resenting and blaming you. this dynamic may swing back and forth. thats not your fault.

but in other words, telling a person with BPD (or possibly anyone) what to wear or not to wear triggers the punitive parent.

Thanks for sharing this onceremoved (in bold) this is exactly what played out with my BPDx. Very insightful.

[tryingsome]

A more cynical answer (I'm in that mood tonight).

To answer the question, will the exBPD ever see you in a good light again?

No.

And the pwBPD NEVER saw you in a good light.

Just like they NEVER saw you in a bad light.

What they see isn't even you.

You are like a rock they pick up.

Tell themselves how this rock is everything to them

Then tell themselves this rock is nothing to them.

It is just a rock; it didn't do anything.

And that is why it is so easy to pick up another person.

We are just rocks on a seashore.

Sometimes it is good to look at another perspective.

I don't even think it is true necessarily. But I am not a pwBPD... .Heck, I don't even understand normal people sometimes.

The psychological answers are probably more correct, but I am not a psychologist.

What I find is you take the tools you need to heal and move on.

To realize in most of this (not all mind you); that you can't make someone think of you in a way that is not their own.

[JerryRG]

I used to hope and pray my exBPD would change, she did, she got worse and worse.

I hoped she would understand me, she only wanted to see what she wanted to see.

Right now I don't care what she thinks, all that matters is what I think.

I went NC and that was my choice

She's broken, dead inside, just an actor without a stage.

She asked me if I would kill myself with her, this was the extent of her love for me, She wanted me to die.

[Curiously1]

Any ideas on what she could mean when she says she's afraid I'll destroy her?

She broke up with me through text and told me to not come over that weekend we were suppose to speak.

It's like she's so afraid of seeing me and that I'll make her change her mind but then,

why did she become so afraid of me? We were never physically violent to one another.

Could it be that I became too close to her?

Anyone experience pwBPD being afraid or want to avoid seeing you face-to-face?

[WoundedBibi]

Well, you have probably triggered some of her primal fears (rejection; not being good enough, being a bad person). Those emotions you triggered for her feel as if she is going to die, they're that intense. Why would she want to see someone who makes her feel (from her point of view) she is going to die? Who makes her feel she's a bad person?

Don't fret over this; at some point anything you would have said would have triggered her. At some point every other person will trigger her. It is how life is for her.

Once I confronted my ex with his behaviour, I triggered him. He hated being around me after we broke up. That's probably part of the reason he started his smear campaign against me (that and needing to punish me for triggering him, and the need to paint me black to feel better about himself, and the need to feel in control again). Hoping I would go away (from work). He got what he wanted. For now.

More to the point though, why do you want to see her?

And why did you (I did the same... ) let yourself be the punitive parent? Or better said, why do you get into relationships (or has this been the only one?) where there is a partner that needs building up, where you can step into the role of wise one, the bigger one?

[Curiously1]

Well, you have probably triggered some of her primal fears (rejection; not being good enough, being a bad person). Those emotions you triggered for her feel as if she is going to die, they're that intense. Why would she want to see someone who makes her feel (from her point of view) she is going to die? Who makes her feel she's a bad person?

Don't fret over this; at some point anything you would have said would have triggered her. At some point every other person will trigger her. It is how life is for her.

Once I confronted my ex with his behaviour, I triggered him. He hated being around me after we broke up. That's probably part of the reason he started his smear campaign against me (that and needing to punish me for triggering him, and the need to paint me black to feel better about himself, and the need to feel in control again). Hoping I would go away (from work). He got what he wanted. For now.

More to the point though, why do you want to see her?

And why did you (I did the same... ) let yourself be the punitive parent? Or better said, why do you get into relationships (or has this been the only one?) where there is a partner that needs building up, where you can step into the role of wise one, the bigger one?

I don't know, I still love her and I'm hurting a lot. And yes, this is my first relationship. I'm still convinced things can work out if she still cares but based on what I've read now, pwBPD don't seem to feel the same way after break ups and a replacement. I know that if she doesn't seek help, since right now she isn't seeking help... then what are the chances it'll ever work out in the future? I did ask her if we had a chance through text the day she broke up with me and she said yes but in a few years time since she's blaming everything on me and my age (I'm 22) and she went on about perhaps I was too immature but she still cares about me.

It hasn't been a full month yet and she said we could be friends, and she gave me a specific date next month that we can both contact each other by so right now it's NC and she initiated it. I don't know if she'll remember that or think it's important anymore now that's she's occupied with her new r/s.

She was all alone when I met her and I don't know if it was pity but I just felt like I needed to care for her and I eventually started to have feelings for her. I wanted her to fee loved because I felt like she deserved it and I couldn't believe the circumstances she's been through. Like her mum passing away at a very early age and an absent father and just the whole family story and how her exes treated her. I can see why she doesn't know some basic life skills and I was willing to teach her along the way, hoping that'd make her feel more confident and happy.

I started to idealise her in the way that she's been through so much which I didn't think she deserved and she still turned out a wonderful person. She's nearly finished her second degree, she's intelligent in that way and she did it all by herself with no support at all.

I feel bad about being painted black. That I am a huge trigger for her now and I really don't want to be.

It's out of my control and it's making me feel helpless and I feel jealous about the replacement.

I'm considering a friendship with her... But I don't know if I can handle that yet.

I might still mean something to her. She said for all of her exes so far she went cold turkey and never goes back but she still cares about me. To some degree I feel that she likes taking care of me too?

I think we both take turns in this punitive parent thing. Our relationship was childish and parentish at the same time. I don't know how else to describe it. Like she'd be more parentish when it came to my uni-work and telling me I needed to focus, and I'd be parentish in a way of teaching her other life skills.

It's why I thought we'd be good together and I'm having trouble letting go.

[WoundedBibi]

I don't know, I still love her and I'm hurting a lot.

I understand. We are all hurting here. Some have started to hurt less by learning and healing ourselves.

I'm still convinced things can work out if she still cares but based on what I've read now, pwBPD don't seem to feel the same way after break ups and a replacement.

Regardless of how she feels please remember her behaviour will not change. If you do get recycled, the cycle will be shorter, you will be painted black again, there will be another replacement. Do you want that kind of relationship for yourself?

I know that if she doesn't seek help, since right now she isn't seeking help... then what are the chances it'll ever work out in the future?

You cannot make her seek help. She needs to want to and act on it herself.

And you need help too; unless you stop being a rescuer you most probably will attract the same kind of person as your ex. Being a rescuer is unhealthy.

It hasn't been a full month yet and she said we could be friends, and she gave me a specific date next month that we can both contact each other by so right now it's NC and she initiated it. I don't know if she'll remember that or think it's important anymore now that's she's occupied with her new r/s.

Do YOU think it is important to contact her now she is in a new relationship? And if yes, why? What would be your aim? Can you TRUELY say you want to be just friends? And if yes, do you realize within a friendship a pwBPD shows the same behaviour on a smaller scale? And will you stop rescuing her?

She was all alone when I met her and I don't know if it was pity but I just felt like I needed to care for her and I eventually started to have feelings for her. I wanted her to fee loved because I felt like she deserved it and I couldn't believe the circumstances she's been through. Like her mum passing away at a very early age and an absent father and just the whole family story and how her exes treated her.

Classic rescue behaviour.

and I was willing to teach her along the way

I' not saying I'm any better than you, and your aim might have been to make her happier but can you see if you read the above quote how condescending it sounds?

she still turned out a wonderful person.

But still a person with BPD. That is not going to go away. And a PD is not something bad latched on to a nice person. The PD cannot be cut away. The whole person is affected by the PD. Remember they have a mask on which reflects the person they think the world wants them to be. The mask only drops for the once that get close. Neither the mask nor the boogie man behind is a real complete person.

I feel bad about being painted black. That I am a huge trigger for her now and I really don't want to be.

You're not just a trigger now. You were a trigger before you realized. You were a trigger the first time you said something that touched her core. You were chosen by her because you would be her trigger.

It's out of my control and it's making me feel helpless and I feel jealous about the replacement.

I'm considering a friendship with her... But I don't know if I can handle that yet.

You cannot control her. You never could. And you shouldn't want to control anyone. You cannot control her new relationship, nor should you want to.

It's natural that you feel jealous. It's natural you feel helpless. But you're not helpless. You can control you. You can help you. You're just 22. See this as a gift, an opportunity to learn how to become a happy healthy person that has no need to rescue anyone else. If I could back to being 22 and learning what I still am trying to learn now, I would do it in a heartbeat.

As long as you feel you love her, don't try and be friends. It would be a false friendship. You would have expectations she cannot fulfill. You would be in it with ulterior motives.

And if you at some point feel you no longer love her as in being in love, realize the friendship will never be as any other, there will always be things she cannot give you a 'normal' friend would be able to.

I might still mean something to her. She said for all of her exes so far she went cold turkey and never goes back but she still cares about me.

That still doesn't mean you can or should be together.

[Curiously1]

Everything you said is true. I'm too much of a 'rescuer' and I need to stop thinking she's my responsibility.

It's really hard not to. I felt like I failed and there's nothing I can do to make her life better etc.

I forget about myself all the time. I was willing to sacrifice a lot just to prove to her that life could be better

and that she could be loved, feel safe and have everything she wanted with me. I had no control and I shouldn't take control, you're absolutely right. Sorry for sounding condescending. My BPDex probably felt the exact same way hence never felt good enough. Get this guilt that I should have loved her EXACTLY the way she was without her needing to change anything but that's silly, we all need to adjust and make some changes for the better.

[WoundedBibi]

I forget about myself all the time. I was willing to sacrifice a lot just to prove to her that life could be better and that she could be loved, feel safe and have everything she wanted with me.

I am/was in the same boat. That's why I get it 

Sorry for sounding condescending. My BPDex probably felt the exact same way hence never felt good enough.

No need to apologize to me, I did the same. It's just something I hope you see you are doing and that you need to stop doing. Not for your ex but for you. So you don't behave like that in another relationship when you're ready for one.

Get this guilt that I should have loved her EXACTLY the way she was without her needing to change anything but that's silly, we all need to adjust and make some changes for the better.

I felt exactly the same for a while. Why didn't I say this or that? Why did I scr*w up? Why did I criticize him? (He hated I said -in a nice way- if he wanted to keep his job showing up to a meeting with his body language and face saying "scr*w all of you! I don't want to be here" wasn't the way to do it. He hated me even more when management called him into a room a few weeks later and told him exactly that). But you're right, we all need to adjust in a relationship. It is impossible to just give and give and give and forget about you and what you want. And you know what? In a healthy relationship people criticize each other too. "honey, maybe it would have been better if you would have... ." And you can never know *exactly* what the other person needs or wants.

[HarleypsychRN]

Does it really matter (unless you have children together) how they view you?

I know I did the best I could given the sick dynamic SHE brought to the relationship. I did my best to be the healer and it bought me 50 days of a relationship. I never dreamed she was that toxic (what an actress she is) and whip-smart too.

Mine is 54 old and there is no chance of her changing at this point in her life. I refuse to question my actions (although I question my judgement on a daily basis).

She can choose to view me in any light she chooses. I am learning who I am and who I am not. I have a lot of work to do but getting into therapy was the BEST thing I ever did (even though it is early in the process).

STOP BLAMING YOURSELF... .I've been through enough... .we've been through enough for a lifetime. Again, don't know who said it but "The calendar changes... .they don't". My exBPD will never change because she is too smart, too toxic and just doesn't get it. I confronted her upon leaving and wrote her the most insightful text urging her to come back and get back into therapy and get her act together... .her response was definitive of the relationship... ."I neither need or want your help!