Anybody else get the urge to write,text, or leave angry voicemail?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

She dumped me out of the blue like the typical BPD. I helped her start her career- I helped her find jobs related to her career so she can make some money. If she needed help financially I was always there. When she needed me emotionally I was always there for her as for the most part her divorced parents were not active in her life.

I honestly did amazing things for her. I am no means trying to be narcissistic as I have some faults of my own. However, I really did help her make great strides in her life. I feel so dumb for giving her multiple second chances. I feel so betrayed, so used, more angry than sad.

It's been a solid month of NC and three months of being broken up yet the urge to just text her my anger and frustration is still there... .

Anyone else in the same boat?

[codes316]

She dumped me out of the blue like the typical BPD. I helped her start her career- I helped her find jobs related to her career so she can make some money. If she needed help financially I was always there. When she needed me emotionally I was always there for her as for the most part her divorced parents were not active in her life.

I honestly did amazing things for her. I am no means trying to be narcissistic as I have some faults of my own. However, I really did help her make great strides in her life. I feel so dumb for giving her multiple second chances. I feel so betrayed, so used, more angry than sad.

It's been a solid month of NC and three months of being broken up yet the urge to just text her my anger and frustration is still there... .

Anyone else in the same boat?

[Frustratedbloke]

We all are because they never gave us a chance at real closure and their behaviour was often appalling. But just remember that the only thing that message will give her is satisfaction, it's narcissistic supply without even asking for it. It could also tell her the door is open if she wants to make a dramatic re-entry.

And what happens if she ignores that too? It's like another smack in the face.

Essentially you'll get nothing from it, but you'll give her a lot.

[Lonely_Astro]

We all are because they never gave us a chance at real closure and their behaviour was often appalling. But just remember that the only thing that message will give her is satisfaction, it's narcissistic supply without even asking for it. It could also tell her the door is open if she wants to make a dramatic re-entry.

And what happens if she ignores that too? It's like another smack in the face.

Essentially you'll get nothing from it, but you'll give her a lot.

^^ This.

Any contact with them, good or bad, is 'good' to them.  Especially if they have Narc traits.

[tryingsome]

Any contact with them, good or bad, is 'good' to them.  Especially if they have Narc traits.

Not entirely true, being with my ex for 6 years there are certain things you can say to them that is bad. That attacks their core; and that is not 'good to them'. There were a couple of things I said at the end that while breaking NC was hurtful to them. Things I will not share here, as if you tell them you will expose their core; and they will leave you alone without rage. But you will realize it is things you should not have said; words that might have been better unspoken.

Usually people get caught up in saying how us Non's did this and that and how good we were too you. How the pwBPD never appreciated our goodness. Words vary but that is the gist most people write in their angry letters. And yes, this stuff they eat up. They like this attention even though it is bad.

But I think it is a natural response; to understand how certain people can use other people for their need. I think it is trying to understand this perspective that makes us respond with angry letters and at other times apologies. hang tough, things will slowly get better.

[balletomane]

I sometimes get urges to write, because I still want him to understand exactly how much he hurt me, and why. Those urges occur less frequently with time, because I realise that no matter how I say it, he's unlikely to understand those things, much less feel any compassion or remorse (and even if he did feel these things, he wouldn't be able to express them - his emotional and interpersonal difficulties get in the way). During our relationship, whenever he said or did anything particularly vicious, I was sure that if only I could explain in exactly the right way, he'd get it, and it would never happen again. That was wishful thinking on my part. There is no magic phrase that will unlock kindness and regret.

Going NC communicated my pain to him more effectively than anything I said. He cheated on me with his flatmate and decided he'd rather have a relationship with her, but expected me to stay around for him as his friend, because - in his exact words - "I need you." He waited until he was sure of the new relationship with his flatmate before telling me what was going on between them, presumably to make sure he still had me if things with her didn't work out. I found this very calculating and cruel. But I was so used to accommodating and excusing all his selfish and thoughtless behaviour that at first I did try to be the friend he "needed", even after he'd done this and worse to me. Six weeks in, I realised that having to suppress my own feelings and pretend everything was OK in order to appease him was making me ill and miserable, so I cut contact. That shocked him. He did not see it coming. He just assumed I would always be there. He still thinks everything is my fault and is adamant that I am the one who hurt him, but the NC at least forced him to let go of the idea that he could have his cake and eat it.

[MakingMyWay]

I did it. It was not worth it and I regret it deeply. All it did was reinforce her narrative and let her smear me more than if I had just left it. It let her show the new guy how 'abusive' and how I was 'stalking' her by running into her twice at university. She just twisted my words and actions to make her seem like a victim.

Silence is far far more effective at getting your message across. It shows to them that you are no longer able to be manipulated and abused.

[WoundedBibi]

I did it. It was not worth it and I regret it deeply. All it did was reinforce her narrative and let her smear me more than if I had just left it. [edit] She just twisted my words and actions to make her seem like a victim.

^^ that ^^

Just replace her with him.

And then I realized it was pointless. He would always twist it so I was the witch. I couldn't say it 'just right' (with you on that one, balletomane) so he would get what I wanted to say. Saying it just right, more often, louder, all pointless.

I didn't use NC though as a way of telling him how I felt, of conveying a message. I used it for me, to protect me from further harm.

At first it was just NC as in no contact between us. Now I've moved on to NC as in removing more of him from my life. No more checking up online or trying to find information on him through other online sources; there's a lot about him I don't know and that I will never know. I don't know what or who made him like this. I don't know when he turned into the person he is now. I don't know how many gfs he has had, or sexual partners. I don't know when the sexual dysfunction started. I don't know what he said about me. I don't know him. I will never know him.

I do sometimes fantasize 'scripts' about what it will be like when I run into him. Because I know it will happen, it's just a matter of time.

Sometimes in my script he just looks at me with a sour face. Sometimes he makes a derogatory remark to me or about me loud enough for me to hear. Usually I just smile at him and walk away. Sometimes I answer him back. Say something to show I understand something of what goes on inside. In a compassionate way. Sometimes it makes him go into a rage and I keep my cool. Sometimes it takes him aback like he realizes I do get some of who he is. Maybe that last bit is my 'revenge' fantasy: "see, this perceptive smart sensitive woman could have been your woman, but she doesn't want to be that anymore".

Only time will tell what will happen when it does and if I will be able to keep my cool. If I don't still feel attracted to him, or afraid of him.

[Frank88]

codes-congrats on one month NC. Doesn't sound like much, but it is. Keep up the good work. Talking to your ex doesn't get you far. It just isn't worth any of the emotions coming back. However, if she is smearing you, I believe it is ok to push back. That may not mean talking to her, but if you're still in any social or business circles that she may be part of, even peripherally, I would make sure people know your story.  Saying she is nuts or has BPD may not be a good thing, but letting people know that she was the cause of the issues is not all bad. My ex has told stories that make it look like she is innocent. She continues to try and destroy my predecessor's reputation too. Walking away does preserve dignity, and most people usually know whose fault it is, but I'm a proponent of at least clarifying the lies that are told. Some on this board might disagree. But, a BPD fears abandonment and people finding out about their lies.  If the BPD knows you will debunk her lies, she will be more likely to move onto other things.  They love to play the victim, so making you look bad is par for the course. I say fight back if you can, but try to keep detaching. 

[Lonely_Astro]

Usually people get caught up in saying how us Non's did this and that and how good we were too you. How the pwBPD never appreciated our goodness. Words vary but that is the gist most people write in their angry letters. And yes, this stuff they eat up. They like this attention even though it is bad.

This is basically what I was saying.  Most people get angry and want to tell their side. They are looking for closure or validation.  The pwBPD usually can't/won't give you this, which leads to more frustration and anger from you.  After all, the non is trying to have a rational discussion with an irrational person.  It just isn't going to work.

Plus, if they've painted you fully black, all this does is reinforce their thoughts/feelings about you being the bad guy.  It literally justifies to them that you were 'controlling' or 'abusive' or whatever other adjective they want to use about you as to why you are Satan's right hand (even though the truth is they were more likely to be the bad one, that's irrelevant to them).

Don't get me wrong of course, if you had a r/s with them and know anything about BPD then I'm sure you know of things to do/say that would hurt them at their core.  Even if you knew nothing of the disorder one could still accidentally hit a core nerve with them.  While perhaps my original statement was a bit to general, I still stand by that for the most part any attempt to explain yourself or your actions as well as to seek some form of validation from them does nothing but to feed them.  After all, it shows them they're still on your mind, you're still chasing them... .and that's exactly what most of them want.  You're still in their stable, in their mind. Whether that's actually true or not doesn't matter.

[WoundedBibi]

While perhaps my original statement was a bit to general, I still stand by that for the most part any attempt to explain yourself or your actions as well as to seek some form of validation from them does nothing but to feed them.  After all, it shows them they're still on your mind, you're still chasing them... .and that's exactly what most of them want.  You're still in their stable, in their mind. Whether that's actually true or not doesn't matter.

I prefer to see it from the 'me perspective' instead of thinking about if contact will feed them or their view of you as the right hand of Satan (although that last bit did play a part for me) or to get the message across "yes! I broke contact! Yes, me! How do you like that, huh? Serves you right you... .Didn't see that coming, did you?". Because that is still about THEM and partly about getting back at them. I chose NC because contact didn't feed MY needs.

[Lonely_Astro]

While perhaps my original statement was a bit to general, I still stand by that for the most part any attempt to explain yourself or your actions as well as to seek some form of validation from them does nothing but to feed them.  After all, it shows them they're still on your mind, you're still chasing them... .and that's exactly what most of them want.  You're still in their stable, in their mind. Whether that's actually true or not doesn't matter.

I prefer to see it from the 'me perspective' instead of thinking about if contact will feed them or their view of you as the right hand of Satan (although that last bit did play a part for me) or to get the message across "yes! I broke contact! Yes, me! How do you like that, huh? Serves you right you... .Didn't see that coming, did you?". Because that is still about THEM and partly about getting back at them. I chose NC because contact didn't feed MY needs.

Your last sentence is exactly why I went full NC as well.  While J would speak to me if I reached out (she reached out once) to her, our conversations always ended with me feeling more hurt and more confused.  The final nail was finding out she was in a r/s for at least 2 months, all the while stringing me along with the just arms reach away promise of reconciliation.  But, J isn't like many on here... .she's diagnosed, HF, self aware, and shows Narc traits.  The most difficult to have a r/s with.