My resentments

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I give up. 

[Verbena]

I give up. 

[Daniell85]

Unicorn, do you believe the only things he has been untruthful about are things associated with his divorce? By that I mean, maybe you feel he was "just" worried, so instead of taking the risk of losing you, he covered up the truth, and he has basically confined himself to only being dishonest with you specifically in that area of your relationship?

It's a really big thing he has done. He chose his own well being over yours. You know he did. He basically defrauded you to get you into a relationship with him, and continued that defrauding until you called him out on it and drew a line.

You are, of course, totally aware of this. Your variety of resentments are totally understandable, you had boundaries you were deceived into letting someone cross, based on what you believed were decent standards of behavior in someone who said they cared for you.

It's probably doubtful that you are ok with any lack of transparency. Most people want to know what the realities are in their life. You have a lot of hurt from what he has done. How will you handle further lack of transparency in the future? He already has permission from you to with hold information from you. You may not agree with that comment. In reality, though, he has won the showdown over his dishonesty. He gets to conceal things while you simmer with upset and let off the steam by nitpicking his other interactions with you.

It's really hard to get miles down a road on the way to a destination, then discover you took the wrong turn. It's a chore to go back, and a lot of people will say, just head in the direction you originally intended. You can do that ( I have sometimes) but there end up being a lot of twists and turns and strange surprises along the way.

[unicorn2014]

Hi daniell85 and Ty 4 ur feedback.

I'm trying to get to a point where I can recommit to working on improving the relationship. I'm almost there. I'm definitely not ready to leave him at this point. I'm trying to focus on the positive and learn better ways of communicating with him. I'm going to borrow I don't have to make everything all better again  and I have Sharon manning book at home.

He is functioning as my daughter's stepfather and I want that to continue. He's also helping me limp along as I continue to deal with the ongoing affects of my PTSD. Right now he's a very useful person in my life and I want to keep him around.

[formflier]

 he has won the showdown over his dishonesty.  

Unicorn,

I wish you well, I really do.

It's not your posting style.  It's the reality of your choices and your inability to face those.

There are plenty of people on here that are willing to help you, when you are ready to help yourself and take guidance, as that guidance was intended.  

FF

[formflier]

Right now he's a very useful person in my life and I want to keep him around.

He is a useful distraction from issues, like your daughter that you should be focused on. 

Instead of the daughter, the focus is on the sort of stepfather figure that reaches out to her to include her in adult conflict.

That is the kind of guy you have chosen to "help" you.

It is actually destructive to you daughters well being.

You have chosen that.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Hi FF I have printed out this agains recommended links and will formulate my next posting on those on the improving board. I will wrap up the resentments post on the PI board once I've had a chance to inventory how my resentments have affected me.

[unicorn2014]

FF if you would like to help me with parenting issues I welcome you to join me on the parenting board. You don't know me in real life but I've got nothing but positive feedback as a mother from teachers, friends, other parents, law enforcement, family. If we could leave my daughter out of this particular discussion I would appreciate that. I don't have any resentments towards my so about my daughter, that's one area he's excelled in. She considers him her stepfather and I'm ok with that. He does a great job in that area.

[daughterandmom]

I'm sorry, but I feel like the single most scary thing in all your posts is that you think a guy married to someone else, who has a great deal of trouble regulating himself and causes you constant stress and constant analyzing of his barrage of all over the place communication is someone who your daughter should consider a step father.

This terrifies me. You keep deflecting all references to you daughter and parenting issues, but as a mother myself this is the MOST important thing. How on earth can he be a stable role model for her when he is not a stable person?

I am sure you will respond with something about not needing any advice on this issue, that you want to keep it to the topics you select- but seriously. This is so hard to watch.

[unicorn2014]

Hi everyone, can we please keep the parenting issues on the parenting board? I have a thread there if you want to weigh in. I'm going to pick up the topic of my resentments again on the PI board once I've had a chance to inventory how they've affected me.

[daughterandmom]

The parenting board is for parents raising kids with BPD. The Co-parenting board is for people raising children with a partner or ex with BPD. Neither is what I am talking about. I am talking about how your relationship choices, and pushing this man as her step father is damaging to her.

[unicorn2014]

Hi daughter and mom, my daughter does have a couple of symptoms which I would be happy to talk about on my thread on the parenting board. I created this thread to address my resentments towards my so however I'm going to move that discussion over to the PI board once I finish my inventory . I'm respectfully asking that we please not draw my daughter into the discussion on my resentments towards my so regarding his divorce. Can we please stay on topic?

[formflier]

I'm respectfully asking that we please not draw my daughter into the discussion on my resentments towards my so regarding his divorce. Can we please stay on topic?

No, we can't and won't stay on "just" the topic you decide is the topic.

If you don't want your daughter brought up, then don't bring her up.

For you to bring up in a thread that your SO is reaching out, busting boundaries and bringing your daughter into an adult conflict is not something that we can, or should ignore.

You, the mother of the daughter in question are openly and repeatedly making choices that are not healthy for the development of your daughter. 

It's not going to be ignored.

There are two precious lives that are at stake here, that are affected by your choices.  Yours and your daughters.

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF as the host of the thread it's my responsibility to keep it on topic. This thread was about my resentments towards my SO for not being straightforward with me about his marriage or his divorce. I have an older thread on the parenting board about whether or not he is suited to be my daughter's  stepparent with her issues. You're welcome to weigh in there. I'm going to pick up the topic of my resentments again on the PI board. Meanwhile I was given a couple of helpful links to help me work on validation and managing intense emotions which I will post about on the staying board once I've assimilated the material.

[formflier]

FF as the host of the thread it's my responsibility to keep it on topic. 

In my opinion, your responsibility as the mother of your daughter trumps the "rule" (about hosting a topic) you are trying to invoke to evade responsibility for your daughters welfare.

This is another example of focusing on minutiae (rules on an online board) while ignoring a HUGE elephant in a room.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Unicorn,

So many people here have tried to get you to understand how your choice to remain in contact with this man and argue and dissect your every communication with him is poor role modeling and damaging to your daughter.

You seem to brush off all this feedback with the reply that it is not pertinent to the topic of your post, which always seems to be about some obscure exchange where one of you got their feelings hurt or hung up on the other.

The current status of your relationship with him seems to be based on continuous conflict and hurt feelings. Usually long distance relationships are prone to idealization because you don't see the flaws and warts of a spouse as you do when you live with them 24/7. Do you really imagine things are going to get better between you and this man when he (or maybe I should say *if*) he gets his divorce and then you live together/or at least in the same area?

So many of us here are waking up to the reality of our marriages with a BPD spouse. You've seen a lot of the downside, yet you still want this?

Frankly, you seem very stuck and have unrealistic expectations about this man. To an outsider, it looks like you're getting played. All the excuses he's given you about not getting a divorce seem completely unbelievable, yet you still hang onto hope. That he has some receipt from an attorney means little to nothing--for all you know, it could be about an entirely different matter.

He's deceived you and betrayed you and (I think) lied to you repeatedly. I'm not understanding why you continue to believe in him.

[daughterandmom]

Unicorn, can I ask just one question please and get a straight answer? No deflecting, no asking to talk about it on another thread. Just a yes or no answer- The relationship you are modeling for her right now, is this an example of the relationship you hope for her to have someday?

[Verbena]

Ok, I just thought I was done commenting on your posts, but I have to say this.  

Your statement about this man "functioning as a step-father" to your daughter really strikes a chord with me.

I came to this site initially because of my own daughter who is BPD, so I really do feel for you because of the struggles your daughter is facing.  I sincerely do.  But your boyfriend/fiance/significant other is not in any way functioning as a step-father.  I have great respect for a number of step-fathers I know who take on the role of parenting a child that is not biologically theirs and love/help raise that child as their own.  Your married boyfriend of four years (give or take) is not doing that.  He isn't married to you, doesn't live anywhere near you, and is not responsible (nor should he be) for co-parenting your 15 year old.  

He is a mentally disordered married man who lives in another state and is carrying on a drama-filled relationship with the mother of a teenager who is having serious emotional problems of her own.  That is what he is.  I truly believe you are setting a terrible example for your troubled daughter. 

Now, I really do give up.  

[GaGrl]

I truly wish I could contribute meaningfully. I have followed your multiple topics. Perhaps that is my comment/contribution... .that it appears to me, and concerns me... .that you have SO many topics on SO many boards covering SO many discrete issues, that you appear not to be able to synthesize all your various problems into a larger view called "unicorn's life." It's all very fragmented and difficult to read.

[unicorn2014]

I truly wish I could contribute meaningfully. I have followed your multiple topics. Perhaps that is my comment/contribution... .that it appears to me, and concerns me... .that you have SO many topics on SO many boards covering SO many discrete issues, that you appear not to be able to synthesize all your various problems into a larger view called "unicorn's life." It's all very fragmented and difficult to read.

Hi gargle, . I should not have put this post on the conflicted board, it belongs on the inventory board. However even that is questionable as inventorying my resentments publicly would be the equivalent of doing a 5th step at group level. Nevertheless when it comes to dealing with a difficult partner, this group/board is my higher power so I'm willing to submit myself to the guidance of the group. However in this thread  I think most but not all of  the guidance is off.

You are correct about your assessment of me: I am the adult child of disordered parents, my ex is disordered, my partner has a few BPD traits and my daughter has a couple of symptoms which may or may not be part of a greater disorder.

I try to keep my issues confined to the board they belong on, in this case this thread was supposed to be about my resentments towards my partner for not being upfront with me about being married and for taking so long to start the divorce process however this thread has gone way off course and no longer reflects the original topic. I have tried to steer it back on course and have been unsuccessful in doing so.

[Cat Familiar]

At the risk of offending you, Unicorn, which I'm sure I've already done, I'm going to tell you my observation of your threads. You've had many people be very active on your postings, offering you their opinion and answering your questions.

Your replies to many have been combative and argumentative and you have discounted and ignored their comments. Over time, the number of people who continue to respond to you has dropped significantly.

We are all strangers here, trying to help each other deal with very difficult situations that we all share. We offer our truth and our perspective to others' situations and sometimes what we have to say can be painful to hear, but in truth is growth.

I wish you well.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you all for taking the time to have this discussion, and I'll consider your feedback as I move forward.

[ForeverDad]

I find the lack of transparency unacceptable and not something I want to live with.

And he, from everything I have read here, finds transparency unacceptable. 

Think about that for a minute... .

So, if you have both reached an impasse that is a "dealbreaker", what is the emotionally healthy thing to do?

Hi form flier, there is another path. I have been told to keep my nose out of his business when it comes to his divorce... .

Yes, he does have his right to state what he will bring to the relationship, just as you can do similarly.  Clearly, you both have stated your respective positions and they don't match.  That is why FF said an impasse ought to be a Deal Breaker.

As Skip mentioned in another thread, the relationship is heading Downward.  Let me add an illustration.  When the Titanic sank, it went underwater in just a few hours.  But it didn't immediately hit bottom.  When it had sunk 500 feet it still hadn't hit bottom but it was still heading 'downward' and frankly there was no reasonable expectation for it to resurface.  So down and down it went, past 1000 feet, past 5000 feet, past 10,000 feet, until finally at some 12,500 feet it hit bottom, never again to see the light of day.  So it begs the question, if there is no reasonable expectation that your relationship will reverse course and become positive, why let this downward path continue longer?

I think you had expressed that he proposed and you accepted and thus you have to wait for him to get around to being available?  Let me help you separate your subjective perspective (from within the relationship) to a more objective perspective (from the outside looking into another's relationship).  If you had a close friend who got engaged to a separated but married man and faced what you are facing, dealing with an engagement with marriage repeatedly delayed, what advice would you give to your friend?