confused, need thoughts

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I don't really know where to begin.  I haven't been on these boards in a while.  I have come here and read some, but haven't posted in a while.  The reason being, I reconnected with my exdBPDgf.  The relationship started over because I went back.  At first things were good as expected.  I put into practice the lessons that I read here.  I stopped reacting and taking things personal.  I started validating and listening to her needs and concerns.  Like I said things were going great.  I also know that when things are going great, that's when she becomes overwhelmed with the relationship.  She started talking about us getting married and we started planning a future together.  I was waiting for the perfect time to ask her to marry me.  Everything seemed fine.  She called me and asked me if I wanted to go out of town for the weekend.  I told her that would be great.  I figured a romantic get away was the perfect time to ask her to marry me.  She said she would pay for the lodging and I told her I would pay for the rest.  The drive there and the first night was one of the best times I had with her in a long time.  On Saturday afternoon, she laid down for a nap.  When she awoke, she said she wanted to go home.  She started telling me that I was never going to ask her to marry me.  She had seen the ring in my suitcase earlier in the day she said.  She started telling me all kinds of stuff.  I didn't react.  I stayed calm until she told me that she was going to move in with a guy in May.  My own abandonment fears kicked in at that time.  Just hours earlier, she had professed her undying love to me.  And now I learn that she is going to move in with a guy who was "just a friend."  I said some things that I regret now.  The ride home was so hard.  She said that she didn't want to see me anymore and that we were through.  And then she would say that she didn't want to end it.  I really don't even know what we are. I found out later, that she's not moving in with this guy.  Her daughter contacted me and said she was just mad at me.  I don't know what is true.

I am in no contact with her now.  The pain is excruciating.  She went from the idealizing  phase to the discard phase without the devaluing phase.  I never saw it coming.  I just feel really confused right now.  I bounce back in forth to wanting to contact her to not contacting her.  This is how it's always going to be isn't it?   It's only been a week.  I could sure use some advice.  I know you can't tell me what to do because in the end it's my choice.  I just need some help thinking this out.

[WhoMe51]

I don't really know where to begin.  I haven't been on these boards in a while.  I have come here and read some, but haven't posted in a while.  The reason being, I reconnected with my exdBPDgf.  The relationship started over because I went back.  At first things were good as expected.  I put into practice the lessons that I read here.  I stopped reacting and taking things personal.  I started validating and listening to her needs and concerns.  Like I said things were going great.  I also know that when things are going great, that's when she becomes overwhelmed with the relationship.  She started talking about us getting married and we started planning a future together.  I was waiting for the perfect time to ask her to marry me.  Everything seemed fine.  She called me and asked me if I wanted to go out of town for the weekend.  I told her that would be great.  I figured a romantic get away was the perfect time to ask her to marry me.  She said she would pay for the lodging and I told her I would pay for the rest.  The drive there and the first night was one of the best times I had with her in a long time.  On Saturday afternoon, she laid down for a nap.  When she awoke, she said she wanted to go home.  She started telling me that I was never going to ask her to marry me.  She had seen the ring in my suitcase earlier in the day she said.  She started telling me all kinds of stuff.  I didn't react.  I stayed calm until she told me that she was going to move in with a guy in May.  My own abandonment fears kicked in at that time.  Just hours earlier, she had professed her undying love to me.  And now I learn that she is going to move in with a guy who was "just a friend."  I said some things that I regret now.  The ride home was so hard.  She said that she didn't want to see me anymore and that we were through.  And then she would say that she didn't want to end it.  I really don't even know what we are. I found out later, that she's not moving in with this guy.  Her daughter contacted me and said she was just mad at me.  I don't know what is true.

I am in no contact with her now.  The pain is excruciating.  She went from the idealizing  phase to the discard phase without the devaluing phase.  I never saw it coming.  I just feel really confused right now.  I bounce back in forth to wanting to contact her to not contacting her.  This is how it's always going to be isn't it?   It's only been a week.  I could sure use some advice.  I know you can't tell me what to do because in the end it's my choice.  I just need some help thinking this out.

[WoundedBibi]

I just need some help thinking this out.

What do you want to think out exactly?

The pain when ending the relationship is excruciating. It really is.

The pain when staying in the relationship is excruciating. With some highs mixed in.

The difference is, the pain of the first option will die down. It will take (a lot of) time, there will be a lot of contradictory emotions, you will need to fight with yourself, but you can get past it and be an emotionally healthier person on the other side.

The pain of the second won't. Yes, there will be the occasional highs, extreme highs. But as you said yourself: it is always going to be like this.

[WhoMe51]

WoundedBibi,

I sure enjoy reading your thought out replies.  I sat here last night reading what you said on other threads.  I appreciate your thoughts and comment.  I think that I am bouncing around from the denial and bargaining stages.  I know that I am probably addicted to the extreme highs and even the lows.  I know it just takes time.  I just got off the phone with my brother and he asked what did I think making contact with her would do? He said your'e just giving her permission to keep treating with disrespect.  And he is right.  It's just very painful.  I have been here before and I kind of feel ashamed because I went back.

[Caley]

The daughter is a lieutenant ... a flying monkey. And, her Mother could be spinning a web for her, too.

Lots of drama my friend ... more to come.

You played it cool until she found your weak spot (it could be a fib about the 'guy' ... but who? If they care about you would introduce doubt, insecurity and jealousy ... if they loved you?).

Someone that loves you wouldn't do that.

Get rid ... you sound like a kind, caring and compassionate person ... allowing yourself to be bamboozled by someone who cares more about what she 'wants', and controlling your emotions to get it, more than what is good for you.

I'm pretty sure you'll not heed this ... I'm pretty sure you'll try to get to the bottom of something that'll drive you crackers ... and, still not be able to fathom ... just like the rest of us here have tried passionately to understand.

My advice ... take it or leave it. Leave well alone. Have you seen and felt enough to know and feel that this is not the future you want?

Best wishes.

[WhoMe51]

Caley,

"someone who loves you wouldn't do that"

That really hit me hard when I read what you wrote.  I was thinking you are right.  I wouldn't do that to her.  And I went out of my way not to do things that would bring insecurity.   

What is a flying monkey?

[Caley]

A 'Flying Monkey' is a euphemism for someone who is used by another to carry out a deed that the 'another' is too cowardly to do themselves. See 'Wizard of Oz'.

It doesn't matter if the daughter knows the truth (she doesn't) because if her Mother had told her the truth ... her daughter would most likely have said ... Mum, you're an 'arse' and deserve to be dumped ... the daughter is being used to convey the message that her Mother wasn't telling you the truth ... but the 'real truth' is that she was mad at you (but with no explanation as to why she was mad at you ... maybe, she's mad mate ... pay attention ... is it getting foggy yet?) and that the 'guy' was a fib to trigger jealousy (to make you work harder for her ... .this is not 'love' ... this is an emotional power play). Why not just tell the truth? It ... 'the guy' may very well be a complete fabrication. But, does that make it OK? The caring, hopeful and compassionate part of you will say, 'yes, that's OK ... she's just insecure' ... I can handle that. But she isn't insecure ... she's trying to establish who will have control ... and your gut is shouting at you.

It does not matter that you understand 'why' she is doing this. What matters is that you understand that you are involved with someone who is not being truthful with you ... when you are being truthful with her. It matters that you understand that lasting intimate committments are based upon 'shared decision making' and 'shared power'.

That is all you need to look at ... your gut will tell you the rest ... trust you ... never, ever doubt you ... because, you is all you have.

[WhoMe51]

I appreciate your comments and encouragement. 

I went to my therapist yesterday and we talked about how hard these breakups are.  All the different emotions you go through and all the doubts that you have.  She told me that the longer I stay away and focus on myself, those addictive feelings will lessen.  And I will become stronger.  She reaffirmed what this site says and what I have experienced, that every time you go back the abuse is worse.  And it doesn't matter what promises she makes to me, it will be bad.  She said to give yourself some time.  And do things that you used to enjoy before you met her. 

I guess the fog is lifting because I am seeing things that she did that didn't match her words of love.  I have a son from a previous marriage who has lived with his mom for about 2 yrs.  His situation hasn't been good at his mom's.  He lived with me for 4 1/2 yrs when his mom lured him to live with her.  It was all about the child support that she didn't pay.  Anyway, my son is moving back in with me and my dBPDexgf told me that I should have talked to her before I allowed him to move back with me.  We don't live together. And I did talk to her about it and she was fine at the time.  She said she could no longer be with me because of it.  I had forgotten about this conversation because she invited me to go away for the weekend.  I guess she had to build me up so she could discard me.  She sent me a text after the weekend telling me that she had fallen out of love with me a long time ago.  And that she was just going through the motions.  And that there was no passion between us anymore.  Like everything was my fault.  How can you have passion when you fall out of love with someone. This reminds me of  the time or several times she would tell me that I was just waiting for someone better to come along.  I told her I was satisfied with her and didn't want anyone else.  Anyways, things are becoming clear.  This is not the relationship I want to be in.  I always felt I couldn't do anything right. 

[heartandwhole]

I went to my therapist yesterday and we talked about how hard these breakups are.  All the different emotions you go through and all the doubts that you have.  She told me that the longer I stay away and focus on myself, those addictive feelings will lessen.  And I will become stronger.  She reaffirmed what this site says and what I have experienced, that every time you go back the abuse is worse.  And it doesn't matter what promises she makes to me, it will be bad.  She said to give yourself some time.  And do things that you used to enjoy before you met her. 

+1 WhoMe51 

This has been my experience. I'm four years out, and everything that you wrote here happened. Since then, my life has changed a lot, and I feel happy and better than I have in years. Things really do get better. It takes time, patience and work, but you can do it. You will change and grow and become the person you always wanted. 

heartandwhole