Being dumped by someone with BPD

[Guinness]

I was in a relationship for 10 years with a guy who was diagnosed with suffering from delusions, manic depression and psychosis, he was later imprisoned. I never received help and 2 years ago I met someone amazing.  Friends and family said to me is this guy for real?  He absorbed me, filled a massive gap in my life.  So attentive, so loving, caring, thoughtful and overly generous. I have a teenage son on my own who is difficult but has been the reason for living since my abusive relationship.  It was not possible to keep up with my ex partners demands to see me and I regularly felt that I had let him down.  I felt trapped but can't describe how special and precious he made me feel. I had hardened to men due to past experience and he spent ages breaking through and gaining my trust. He would make me look into his eyes and say you are my xxxx and I am your xxxx.  He made plans for our future, I would work less hours and we would buy that cottage in the countryside that I had always dreamed of. He wanted to take away my hurt and make things right for me.  After a difficult week I would go and see him and he would wrap me in blankets  and treat me like a child, always telling me what I needed. He continuously was in physical contact whether stroking my hair, arm or leg, it didn't matter who was around.  If I shifted slightly or asked him to stop he would look very hurt or rejected. He planned my diary of events that we would attend. He did not like to discussing my problems with anyone other than him.  He openly told people that he owned several properties and was wealthy enough not to work. He had very strong opinions on right and wrong an.d there was no in between, I was in so deep this was what I had craved for all my life. He told me that his last wife threatened to kill herself when he left and said she would never feel as loved again. Then he went through my phone and found several messages from my boss which were inappropriate.  He had also worked for the same guy and this was not the first time I had received  inappropriate attention from him the last time resulting in him being reported to HR.  I told my partner the truth that I was holding these messages for the right time to report him again and the reason why I didn't share t with him was because I was unsure how he would react.  I need my job as I have school fees and a mortgage to pay.  Well he appeared okay and the next day wouldn't answer my calls.  I asked my Mum to call him as I was beginning to become very anxious.  Later that day he called my Mum back and through loads of information at her about me flirting with blokes etc etc unbelievable insecurities which he had never discussed with me he then just said goodbye to my Mum.  The following evening, I went to see him and he had packed my clothes and belongings and they were in the hall.  I begged him to forgive me for not telling him and the reason I could not discuss it with him I was on the floor crying that he would think that I would do such a thing.  He was very cold and scarily feeling less after being so loving and kind.  He agreed eventually for me to make it up to him in 2 weeks and make him feel like I was important to him.  I work long hours live an hours drive fro him and have a son so I was anxious and tired trying to please so many people.  On the Sat and Sunday we had a good time and I was trying very hard to reconnect with him as he had changed.  The next 2 days he went to see his daughter and we spoke on a few occasions, he told me on the Tues night how much he loved me and asked me whether I still belonged to him. On the Wed he travelled back and called me but I was in a meeting I could tell my his text that he was not happy with me not being able to take his call.  Eventually we spoke and he said he was going out with friends as I didn't want to see him.  The fact was I couldn't see him as I needed to cook my sons tea. During the conversation the signal went on my phone and he then text me to say don't ever contact me again. I was distraught and couldn't sleep so at 3am I drove for an hour to his house to talk.  I let myself in and went into the bedroom and he had a woman in our bed. He coldly introduced her and told her not to be sorry.  I was in shock and just left without saying a word. He left my clothes on the back door, and I have heard nothing since.  This man came into my life and took me over telling me what I needed and he always knew best, protecting me in a way that I felt like a helpless child, wrapping me up taking control of every situation in my life, to suddenly and coldly cut me off.  I am now unable to function as I feel I need him to help me function I have lost all my confidence as he did everything  for me.  I desperately need some guidance on understanding why and how this happened.  I have not eaten for 5 days and am finding it hard to go on.  Please help me

[bunny4523]

Your story is typical of a BPD partner.  Have you read up on it at all?  It will help you to see multiple stories where the same thing happens no matter what the non BPD partner does.  IT IS NOT YOU.

The "falling in love too deep too fast, putting you on a pedestal and then devaluing you over something so little, mood swings, overrecting to emotions."  are all things the BPD does... .the outcome you experienced is inevitable in my opinion.  If it wasn't that, it would be something else.  I got dumped for taking too long at the store, playing beer pong with other men, talking more to my cats than him, not giving him enough eye contact... .the list goes on and on and I only lived with him for 6 months.  (He tried to keep all of this hidden during the courting period, didn't come out until I sold everything and moved in with him) I think he thought he had me trapped... .

You need to count your blessings that you dodged this bullet, know your value and move on.  Read some of my posts if you have time.  It isn't an easy process to get out but I'm telling you, it's what you need to do. 

[stimpy]

Hello Guinness,

I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this. What you write is the story of so many people who have found their way onto this site. If you can, try and find out as much as you can about BPD, it's causes, it's affect on the sufferer and the effect on the people like you and me who have had a relationship with a pwBPD.

You may have heard of a term called FOG, and it sounds like you might be in it. It is a kind of brainwashing, and it comes about during the devaluation/discard, when the F fear, O obligation and G guilt become how you feel. This needs to be processed out of your system, so that you can come back to who you really are.

Remember, you were ok before you met him and you'll be ok now he's gone. It will just take time to get there. His views of you are not who you are. his views are distorted and you are not at fault for what has happened. Mishaps and misunderstandings and problems always crop up in relationships. his reaction was not normal, it was a total overreaction. If it hadn't been this it would have been something else.

If you can, find someone to talk to about what you've been through and post here as much as you need to. That will help you start processing what has happened. I get the thing about eating, and if you can, just eat a little at a time.

You have dodged a bullet and found this site. Two good things.

By dodging the bullet, you can now start the process of understanding what has happened, what it means for you and where you want your life to go in the future.

He won't get better, but you will.

[jessedsickabouther]

Wow. That is a heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry

[bunny4523]

@stimpy

very well put   I think I am going to copy that, print it and put it in my wallet as a quick reference.

Thank you for posting